MONDAY - APRIL 12

took a day off yesterday while at home. in la now. watched the departed. feeling epic. made a design sheet for special project

1:38 gonna sleep set alarms will start updating again tomorrow morning. its good for me to take days off. it means this isn’t a compulsion and i need to stop myswlf in order to keep it from becoming that !!!! 18 days to go before i decided to end this. we’ll see


7:50 wake up. text groupchat

8:00 wake up more. so tired. dream forgot fkrst remember second


j wan oka


8:10 wake up again. text justine. we decide to meet at los angeles national foresg. i chrck insta

8:15 chrck obey me

8:22 finish obey me. need tk get up brush teeth

8:23 get up make bed

8:24 put on slippers go outside to bathroom. mimi sitting at kitcjen table eatinf breakfast i say good morning. go into bathroom xhange slippers sit down pee

8:25 get up wipe flush wash hands brush teeth

8:27 finish wash face wash hands. grab eye contacts and saline and put in contacts

8:31 finish and look at time rush to my group change slippers take off slippers in room

8:32 set up lamp light and put oil on my face sit down

8:33 join group

8:42 leave. will do checfkout later just beause want to get started

( 4.13 me here to write down check in and check out


checkin. :

for hw this weekend i edited video, finished my exposures, and went to some stores

i did finish my homework but was avoidant on finishing my exposures

ideas ar to finish trials, keep eating from dishes, apply for an intersnjip

depression 0 ln 3

avoidance 2 ln 3

rumination 2 ln 1

self harm 0 ln 0

homicidal 0ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower yes

breakfast no last time eating last night

slept 5hr

sanitize ban subnit 4 resist 0 but unsure

suicidal ideath 1 ln 1

anxiety 1 ln 3

8:44 finish typing minute sof day next thing is my dream

so i dont remember the first dream i had but i know i had a vivid one before this one

for this one i was in micecraft as a paler version of steve and i was in the ocean and diving down in the water. i was with someone and we were talking about the relaxing properties of swimming in minecraft and how we love it.

i swam until i saw an island and there was a coral reef in a bay and so i swim over and dive down for a bit but then get up on the island and at first it’s minecraft terrain but then next it slowly becomes more real

i realize i’m on sonic the hedgehog’s island but there’s no loops or anything I just know it’shis for some reason. he is standing there

something happens and i get a vision in my head of different generations of sonic. then it’s kind of a blur i think i talk to him but then i cross over a hill in the island and i see the edge of desert terrain. i go down. there’s twelve sonics in a diamond formation

there are some human hybrid versions of sonic with like skin colored spike thingies quills ont hem and human faces with green eyes. some bigger sonics more buff and smaller ones. it’s just weird. they all sing something. someone is looking for a cigarette and they start singing about how smoking is bad

it feels very much like the robin hood scene in the original shrek movie. i walk past them and there is a desert town. i see meredith walking on cobbletstone streets. ok its less like a town and more like two stores i can genuinely see. meredith is talking to two teens but her legs are much shorter than hers and they walk away. then she and her friend go into a store. then i say something to a friend standing by me then i wake up

8:49 ok done writing dream gonna check individual meetings and then start my exposures i wanna get done today


8:52 out of bed in kitchen. i hear sam showering. put on slippers when ileft room. wendy texts slack sayinf we need to use denny’s font but i tell her it looks bad for the side thats why i used the header font. ok anyways

8:53 start dish

8:57 finish 2 0 0. i go take a photo of dirty counter

8:58 i text it to roommates ans ask them to llease clean up after themselves

8:59 i get uo and get my sourdough bread from the counter and bring it back tot the kitchen table with me. i statt chewing. i remember part ofmy dream was karen mt high school teacher buying sourdough bread and me and friends telling her we alrdy had sourdough

9:00 get up microwave

9:03 finish 4 4.5 3. start eating bread in final minute cuz so hungry. sam exits shower and runs to his room says good morning

9:06 fridge

9:10 finish 110. i finish my bread and wrap up the plastic wrap that was holdinf it to catch all the crumbs

9:11 i stand up go to fridge drink milk from carton. go to bathroom dont change slippers check laundry area. laundry machine going unsure if dryer too

9:13 change slippers shower

9:16 finish 7 6.5 want to cry seven big urges now ten. couldt last all fifteen

9:18 sit down bring foundation in front of mirror lamp set alarm for two min

9:20 alarm rings as i add concealer

9:21 finish concealer open teams


9:23 realize my meeting is at 10 not 9:20. update exposurs

9:26 finish back outside gonna do dryer walk thru bathroom dont change slippers

9:27 dryer

9:28 wendy enters kitchen. she’s setting up to do her practice thingy

9:30 finish 4 3 2. it was shaking while i did it n that made it worse. now im at a 4 once i finished. three urges

9:33 was on insta. shower again

9:37 finish 6.5 5. lasted all fifteen seconds two urges

9:39 textinf with reanna on insta about doinf shrooms at the turrell skyspace in pomona

9:40 timer fo ouraide do dishware. wendy on her zoom call at kitchen table

9:44 finish. 200. back in room took off slippers putting concealer on eyes. gonna do something simple today

9:47 finish part of eyeshadow gonna do microwave now

9:50 4 3 2. doing more eyeshadow went back to room took off slippers

9:54 exit room put on slippers. wendy talks to me and shares me a usc missed connevtions post abt white gay men

9:55 walk thru bathroom no change slipper do dryer

9:58 finish 4 4 3. go to room take off slippes grab eater pur on go get water go back to room drink sit at desk take off slippers

10:00 join meeting

10:14 exit. just updated megan ans jamie abt my weekend p much. talked abt my exposures. seeing dr wang at 10:30.

10:15 i fart. gotta go do more exposures get up. wendy is doing her acting so im gonna gove a sec. had put slippers on but take off go back to desk and do eyebrows

10:22 she starts over i go put on slipper go outside do dish

10:23 i throw away banana go back to room take off slipper three urges

10:26 finish 0 1 0. resume eyeshadow and start contour

10:30 join meeting with dr wang

10:42 she says i dont have ocd. confused. no med changes for now since risperdal feels good

10:55 finish makeup update exposure logs

need to do 3 microwave 3 shower2 dish 4 fridge 3 dryer. 15 total.

10:56 go outside put on slipper wendy eating at kitchen table shows me that ren is doinf tat giveaway. she’s gonna tag me.

10:57 start fridge

11:00 finish 3 2 0

11:03 fridge again

11:06 finish 3 2 1. do i really not have ocd ???? its fit me so well it doesn’t make sense

11:10 gonna do dish

11:13 finish 201. still confused abt me not having ocd. i feel like i do im jusy being too positive with her lmao. three urges. like everything we talk about applies to me ? idk. sam walks out and says hi to wendy and i

11:16 gonna do microwave

11:19 finish 2 1 0. or was it three idk. two urges. i ask wendy what she’s workinf on and its concept art for her job. sam cuts some meat and cheese for his bread ans goes back to his room

11:21 three urges. sqm texts me that usc is giving free vaccines to students on campus. mimi has no excuse anymore

11:22 gonna do shower

11:26 finish 6 5. four urges three more. one more

11:29 read an article sam sent me abt the salvator mundi painting issues with the exhibition. rlly interesting. shower again

11:32 finish 6 5. four urges. want to cry. this is likr when the therapist told me i was making my symptoms up. am i making my ocd up ? ill talk to megan. i think i was just too positive with dr wang i dont know. i was just excited abt being able to drive and go outside

11:34 calculated 2 microwave 1 shower 1 dish 2 fridge 3 dryer left. cant do dryer cuz wendy is using it for laundry

11:35 am i not allowed to be happy ? is that it ? i dont know. my symptoms always do ok when im at home so i end up in a good mood on monday. am i faking everything again ?

11:36 trying not to cry. dont wanna fuck up my makeup its so good today. one more shower

11:39 finish 6 5. a tear fell down my face but i blotted it away. i got up and left bathroom i dont know what slippers i was wearing or if i changed.

11:40 im wearing my outside slippers. one more dish. then ill onlt have seven left

11:42 dish

11:45 finish 3 1 4. i went to my bedroom and grabbed my glass from my desk went back to fridge got water before habituating. so thirsty. four urges. one more. one more.

11:48 back in room slipper off took risperdal and now joined lunch group brooke and kayla

12:00 leave lunch group join ocd group


1:18 leave meeting with megan. she says if doesnt matter and if i believe i do and i know myself best. she thinks i have ocd and jamie says regardless it’s usually for insuranxe. i cried a lot and tbey made me feel better

1:19 update makwip cuz crying

1:20 light amnt of vaseline. ok 2 fridge 2 microwave 3 dryer. exit room pur on slippers walk to laundry room thru bathroom

1:21 start dryer

1:24 finish five five four. lint on my hands freaked me out. walk to doorframe of bathroom to kitchen lewn on it. milner is now sitting at the kitchen table hitting their vape. four urges

1:27 milner asked for coffee n i got them my mocha blend. i eat an apple. time for microwave

1:29 whisper that i’m gonna kill myself compulsively. eat apple while habituating

1:31 finish 4 3 3 four urges. milner hands me a mug of coffee

1:32 get milk from fridge n do fridge exposure

1:35 finish 2 3 1. four urges. sip on coffee eat apple. milner tells me abt how their mom gave them her old coffee pot.

1:38 microwave time again

1:42 finish 2 1 2. three urges. wendy comes out and gets salmon from her fridge. she says good morning - she was napping. i tell her that putting the frozen salmon wrapped up still in a bowl of water helps to dethaw it. she tries it out. keep eating apple n sipping coffee

1:44 go to laundry room dryer

1:48 finish 3 4 2. at some point i got earbuds for sam this afternoon and i straight up cant remember where in the timeline so it’s lost. wendy went past me while habituating cuz she was looking for her laundry basket but couldn’t find it so she’s coming back

1:51 exit laundry room. was checking insta. fridge time

1:54 finish 3 1 0. talking with sam got distracted aby symposium. he starts his soon

1:59 i finish updating my makeup gonna join group and fill out check out form

2:06 leave group. i feel accomplished !!!


(4.13 me again doing check out:


i mainly did exposures today

depression 4

avoidance 3

rumination 3

self harm 0

homicidal 0

homework is finish up my exposures and do more situational exposures and ba’s

suicidal ideation 1

anxiety 3 )


2:27 catch up on obey me. i went to the bathroom earlier. shaking from coffee lmao hard to focus. shouldnt have drank it


2:58 joined scymposium zoom. yeah


4:05 finished. talking with sam. everyone rlly liked my work i talked with two of the judges for a full half hour !!!! so fun

4:07 update exposure logs


4:32 playing wordscapes and checking instagram. i should cook something im v hungry. coffee making me vibrate still

4:37 compulsively say im gonna kill myself out loud