12:52 (pm) hi.



i was trying to see if this was a compulsion or not to make sure i was safe but. im doing so bad and idk where to vent. want to cry.



had a really fun time yesterday night. got a tat touch up from ren then invited them and rex to the party tnite since theyre both fully vaxxed. really fun. baked bread for wendy went to bevmo with mimi. fun


party was fun too we decorated and ate cake and danced and everyone talked. really nice to be with people again


but at night when we had to clean up i got really bad i sanitized a bunch and helped clean but it felt bad and i organized my whole room yesterday night because i was freaking out. sanitized so much. and im doing laundry today so my energy is spent on that. the kitchen is a giant mess and i cant do it i cant touch it. my hands feel so stained with grime.


i did bad things i drank and smoked and did a tiny line of coke yesterday. thats why my ocd is worse. i hate recognizing that. but im gonna push forward. right now though the kitchen is a mess and dishes everywhere. i cleaned the whole kitchen yesterday morning from the Ma screening friday night. and mimi cleaned up after lunch. so i dont jnow who’s turn it is to wash dishes maybe milner but not sure.


all i know is that i cant touch the kitchen right now not even with gloves. im gonna flood myself if i do. i thibj i have money for postmates. I WON BY THE WAY !!!! i won the scymposium!!!! 1000 dollars baby. straight vibes. so im unsure of how the money gets deposited to me. but maybe i can use that as a cushion for a lil postmates rn. i want pasta.

1:02 just spent 27 dollars for pasta sisters. too tired to care. that means i have 6 dollars left after wifi for the month. ill figure it out.

1:03 never mind i need to transfer money i forgot abt crunchyroll but thats important

1:04 i transfer 50 dollars just so i dont get a notif for any random charges that i forget abt at the end of the month. once this kitchen is clean ill cook again. i just cant today. and i need something nice.

1:06 check insta. i did order it with extra pasta so hopefully i can make it into two meals

1:10 i check mail nothing new check instagram. i looked at blackboard earlier abd my presentation for class isnt til the 25th so i have time for my game making. it will be a simple visual novel since ive used cloudnovel before.

1:13 on insta. gonna apply for some more internships and then paint. excited to paint. im so hungry.

1:14 i check postmates. latest arrival is 2:17. god. at least my room is clean. gonna light a candle

1:15 i light my candle at my desk then come back to sit on my bed

1:19 i go to mail and read the nytimes morning briefing. im avoiding. im just hungry

1:57 been sending out internship applications. just got notif that my order is out for delivery. i think my laundry finished. so tired. chrck messages. i asked ace abt playing v3 later today n they say yes !

2:03 notif abt postmates. arriving soon. four more internships to go. texting Julián he found judith butler on genius. insane

2:04 go on insta notif food delivered. gonna go get it but olug in laptop first

2:06 laptop plugged in food secured. went to entryway to get it now in room on ground by bed

2:08 open bag run to kichten barefoot grab fork come back. sit down eat bread first to fill up

2:09 start eating

2:10 im glad i ordered. their truffle pasta is my favorite oasta

2:14 i finish eating. i might be able to make three meals if im patient

2:17 i chrck insta. i have to email mike tomorrow abt studio visits

2:18 i want to kill myself so badly

2:33 i was playing wordscapes now im on insta sam went outside talked to milner for a bit milner says they think my ocd is toi much for yhr kitchen theyre right. but im gonna help. just gonna get wnother lowd in

2:34 sam walks to my room and sees me. i say hi briefly but go back to my phone. dont want to talk rn

2:35 go outside put ob skippers. blow out candle.  milner js there. say hi. they r making toast n coffee. i pick up the table and clean it. i need to sanitixe so bad.

2:40 i go to the laundry room and taje my vlothrs out the dryer. i do the lint the wordt part and i wabt to sanitize. i put it in my hamper thrn put other lowd in dryer.

2:43 take hamper to riom take off slippers. put clothes on bed. urge.

2:45 sit dien type. so many urges. trying to delay. im doing really well. just trying to delay more. so exhausted

3:13 was on insta posted to mentos. we r finally gaining followers again feels good. folding laundry. gonna play ag cook

3:25 folding putting away. taking a break. ag cook makes me feel alive

3:31 i finish folding putting away come outside put on slippers. milner has their coffee is reading at a kitchen table. wendy and jack are in living room. wendy telling us abt the time that when she was in a sorority for a semester her friend took the girls to club 33

3:33 grab laptop come outside sit down at table. gonna finish internship apps then paint

3:43 i get up go to room take risperdal. i had water there already from yesterday and i take my glass out with me

3:56 milner tells me abt the book they r finishing

3:57 i have one more internship to apply for. sent in one for one archives rn. laundry done i hear it. gonna do the last internship then get the laundry

3:59 check insta text jackie. milner washes their dish and calls their dad abt the book

4:09 finish applying for internships. im done im stopping. no more for now. cant overwork myself. gonna get laundry but jack just got up went to use bathroom. wendy’s alarm wakes her up from her nap on the beige couch but she turns it off n sleeps

4:10 milner is picking up outside

4:12 jack comes outside and washes his hqnds in the kitchen sink. he goes bqck to sit on the grey couch

4:14 i close my laptop. i wanna find a good place to paint i might bring my stuff out here. idk. so tired. gonna do it

5:25 been painting. jack is leaving. call wendy over to look at my sim’s painted leg. she says it’s girthy. sam texts me abt jack leavign and how he didnt really interact with him. i say its ok

5:30 jack leaves

6:09 both legs done. take a break from painting and check insta. go to entryway and sit in blue inner tube from the party yesterday. sams door is open and he is on his bed. i ask him if it feels dry to him and he says he isnt sure.

6:10 gonna step outside for fresh air i walk yhe resy od the way barefoot to door

6:16 laying out in frobt of open door. carching up on texts from ace and kon. ask them to hang out later

6:32 emailed mike back invited tio junior and parents texting jackie abt hanging out tmrw

6:45~ painting again

7:06 pause to look at texts. one hand done

7:07 send a progress pic to ace and kon

7:20~ get a slice of sourdough bread abd eat while i painy

7:30~ stop fir the day clean brushes. wash cutting board and knife. so tired

7:40~ go to room get charger go to extension cord in kitchen plug in sit down on stool

7:41 post progress pic to my priv. check insta

7:50 catch up typing. i need to shower i brought out my shower stuff. i also drank the last of my milk at some point. dont remember when. gonna shower then work on designs for secret website

8:11 deflated the inner tube for wendy took forever. dont wabba shower but my arm is full of paint

8:23 been on instagram. sam went to use the bathroom when he gets out i will shower

8:30~ he exits. i go to my room get clothes. i was playing wordscapes. i grab my towel and slippers that i took out earlier and go to bathroom change slippers

8:31~ i decide to thin out my hair

8:43 i finish and i feel better. it lays more flat now. i thrkw my hair away into the trash and sit doen and pee


8:44 i shower

8:49 finish dry off get dressed

8:50~ i come out. change slippers. jack is here again he is stabding with wendy in the entryway. i say hiband take my dirty clothes to my room grab laundry hamper go to laundry room

8:51 i grab my laundry and out it in the hamper take it to my room. go outside sit on grey couch. wendy is working at the coffee table

8:52 wendy tells me abt the corset shes making. it sounds like a lot of work. i watch her sew

8:55~ i go to the ottoman to see if i have hw to do for psychology

9:18 i get up go put away my palette then come back and put away brushes in my room then come back. takes me a while yo organize. i grab my canvas and table easel and take to my room

9:20 i take off slippers and set my easel down on the ground by my palette. my room smells like oil paint. i sit down on my bed

9:22 i go in insta but then go on postmates n tip my delivery person.

9:25 i plug in my air freshener. gonna fold laundry

9:28 ace texts asking if i want to play v3 i say yes. i go outside put on slippers and get my laptop then come back take off slippers

9:32 i set up zoom andbsend id and pw on discord

9:36 ace says the id didnt work. i send the link instead of id

9:38 ace joins zoom. they set up

9:40 we start playing. we r in free time rn and going to talk to kiibo

9:41 mimi texts me that shes back and wants to watch the race but i text her that im playing a game with a friend now

10:05 i chrck texts mimi sent a video of us singing wendy a happy bday in the gc

10:17 i search up kiibo presents to make sure we have enough for his free time events

11:40 we finish qnd hang up. i put away my laundry

11:47 i go out qnd get water. sam is sitting at the kitchen table n playing nonagram. we talk abt the app for a few minutes

11:50 i go to the bathroom dont change slippers put on testosterone

11:51 i was hands sit down pee

11:52 get up wash hands brush teeth

11:54 finish wash face floss

11:55 outside. talk with sam some more as i get water. he hung out with anna today and worked on his thesis. i mention hanging out with jackie tomorrow and he says maybe he can come for a bit but he’s busy with work wnd i say i understand.

11:57 i grt water bring it to room take my risperdal lamictal methylfolate vitamin d. i put my face oil on

11:58 i go outside grab phone charger then come in qnd close door get in bed plug in fharger