12:01 in bed. check insta. wendy is texting me asking for me to talk to jack to see if he is into wendy. i say i need to become better friends with him first

12:07 stop insta to go to type. i posted a markiplier meme to mentos

12:18 catch up text wendy more abt talking with jack. im full but im hungry still

12:20 i check insta briefly before going to fitbit

12:22 my heart rate is lower. wasnt a compulsion check just curious. since i kept seeing it at over 100 its nice to see it under 70

12:23 tired but obey me

12:35 catch uo set alarms finish playing before 8 ymrw goodnight

7:40 wake up. i masturbated last night. i go on obey me and finish my battles before they reset.

8:10 i wake up again. i got on insta

8:25 i need to get out of bed

8:26 i get up put on slippers go outside pass by mimi say good morning as i head to bathroom

8:27 i change slippers sit down #1 and 2

8:29 get up wipe flush wash hands. brush teeth

8:30 finish wash hands wash face. walk back to room

8:31 i enter my room and take off slippers put on face oil and glasses then go and put blanket over desk chair sit down

8:32 join group and finish up check out form

8:42 leave group. will type down check in later. want to get started on exposures

(2:08pm me here


check in:

for homework i ate from dishes, did exposures and BAs

ideas are to finish trials, keep eating from dishes, do more laundry

depression 0 ln 4

avoidance 0 ln 4

rumination 1 ln 5

self harm thoughts 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner no cuz i ate a big lunch

brush teeth yes

shower yes

breakfast no

slept 7hr

suicidal ideation 0 ln 3

anxiety 0 ln 5 )


8”43 i zone out and look at my email for a second. gonna check my daily assignments cuz im p sure i meet with dr wang


8:45 i get up make my bed. go to mirror

8:46 look in mirror. fat. i dont want to eat breakfast even tho im hungry. or maybe i will and now that i can shower more i can try and start working out at least once a week

8:47 i head outside. mimi is no longer here

8:48 grab bread from fridge put in toaster. grab yogurt. theres a slice of toast in the toaster already and i eat a bit of it before throwing it away cuz i thought wendy was coming outside

8:49 i start to get my yogurt ready

8:51 sam comes out and goes to the shower he says good morning

8:52 start eating. i stand at the counter

8:56 mimi comes down the hall and rinses her espresso cup

9:01 clean up from eating. sam comes out the bathroom and races to his room

9:03 i wipe the counter but keep myself from using cleaner. urge. urge. i dont want to do exposures !!!! avoidant ass

9:04 i sit down at the kitchen table and look at daiky assignments list. at 9:05 ill start and get two done

9:05 trash can lid

9:08 finish. 431. one urge two after

9:10 check messages. ace sent me an attack on titan tiktok. i will admit that the twitter edits r super funny

9:11 sink

9:14 finish 3 4 3. four urges. check assignment list

9:17 microwave

9:20 finish 212. three urges. walk to room taje off slippers put on sweatshirt sit at deak. urge

9:21 join meeting but there’s a microsoft teams error

9:23 i exit and rejoin. it works this time

9:35 end. megan’s proud of my weekend ! i left out the part where i did drugs but i said everything else and she was rlly excited that i cleaned up and pushed myself to not avoid the kitchen yesterday. she also said congrats on the installation and scholarship !

9:44 ive been emailing people. abd texting people abt the opening. gonna email kevin david and matt. maybe kibum

9:53 emailing everyone. gotta text schelsey paulson and casey

9:58 finish emailing and texting everyone. so tired. checj insta

9:59 ok some more exposures. get up go outside put on slippers

10:00 in bathroom change slippers set alarm for 10:30. i feel my thighs squish together i want to die. showef time

10:04finish 6 4. tired. i think mimi was painting outside but i didn’t look hard enough

10:05 post to mentos

10:07 started playin obey me but timer so i put on slippers go to laundry room ryer

10:10 finish 3 2 1. one urge

10:14 dryer

10:17 finish 3 1 0. no urge or maybe one ? it was a maybe. ill count it for now

10:20 wendy comes out to the sink wnd says good morning to me ( bathroom door is open ). ive been sitting on the toilet lid during habituation and breaks. stand up shower

10:23 finish 5 3. put on living room slippers go outside wendy says jack might be over tonight. we scheme how eventually ill bring up wrndy in the convo either tonight or this summer. i sit at the kitchen table. mimi is painting in her corner.

10:26. insanellectuals is our best mutual tbh. was on insta. gonna do trash can lid then go to my room

10:30 finish 3 2 1. two urges. go back to my room take off slippers sit down join meeting

10:55 finish with dr wang. we r increasing my dose of risperdal again

10:57 checj insta.

10:58 check messages. ace is yearning. i think abt augustina visiting me

11:00 texting ace abt augustina visiting me

11:01 gwt uo check daily assignments go outside put on slippers. sink. mimi is painting still

11:04 2 1 1. no urges

11:05 post a pic of reigen to mentos. have to live up to my admin name. one urge

11:08 google what glazing is. microwave time

11:11 finish. ten exposures done 15 to go. 2 1 3 one urge during four after

11:14 i catch up on obey me. wendy comes out her room and puts dishes in the dishwasher.

11:15 trasb can lid

11:18 finish 3 3 2 three urges

11:23 was emailing and texting people abt my show. kibum cant make it but he did email back which was kind ! ppl r responding thank god. stressed but excited. sink

11:27 finish 3 2 1. milner comes in from room kisses mt forehead goes to make coffee. they sit at table with me

11:28 i check email again then check insta

11:33 gonna do dryer shower then eat

11:36 3 1 1. sitting on toilet lid again didnt change slippers

11:39 sam comes out he needs to pee. i get up out of bathroom. gonna do microwave

11:43 finish 2 1 1 one urge

11:45 gonna do sink. ramen is in microwave

11:48 finish 3 2 1. two urges.

11:51 shower

11:54 4 2 finish. in kitchen eating ramen. mixed in soup base. mimi cleaning her brushes in the sink. she asks abt my thesis. milner goes back to their room

11:57 talk with mimi abt the race

11:59 take my ramen with my and go into my room take off slippers

12:00 join group

12:02 group starts

12:38 go meet dr bergman cuz she put the time wrong in the email and it was 12:30 not 1:30

12:55 finish meeting with dr bergman. talk abt the paranoia ocd combo

1:02 meet with megan

1:12 finish with megan talked abt hw. gonna do laundry and sweep. so tired today might nap after check out


1:14 tally exposures 2 shower 2 microwave 2 dryer 1 sink 2 trash can. if i push i can do it

1:15 trash

1:18 finish 2 1 1. sam comes outside and makes veggie nuggets. he stomps with so much purpose when he walks. i go on mentos and thirst with kon in the comments about reiner and yagami

1:21 sink

1:25 finish 1 3 1. one urge. barely any urges today !!

1:27 microwave

1:31 finish 1 2 1. shower

1:35 finish 4 3. im barwly paying attention oops.

1;37 dryer

1:40 finish 1 1 1. yeah. four more !! one more shower i dont give q fuck today

1:44 finish 5 3. one more dryer

1:47 finish 1 1 1. vibing. gonna do microwave walk outside. never changed slippers

1:48 do microwave sit down. sam is in the kitchen and shows me a jeremy fragrance video. so good

1:51 finish 3 2 1. trash

1:55 finish 3 1 1. sam goes to his room mimi comes oht and gets a slice of cake. i text the messenger group chat abt nacho slop

1:56 texting soencer abt memes


1:57 go to room put phine to charge sit at desk type on laptop. just realized i need it for exposures

1:58 grab phone update exposures. i didnt write down the last shower one i did but i just put in what i think i had. i chew some gum

2:00 join group fill out form

2:01 join group. hide gum on side of mouth

2:08 leave group start chewing gum. gonna update check in and check out


check out:

worked on exposures today

i think i made progress. far less sanitizing urges today than previously. will tally in a bit or not today. tired but i know its less.

depression 0

avoidance 0

rumination 1

hw i will do more exposures and BAs and working on keeping a balance

sanitizing ban submit 0 rewsist 28

suicidal ideation 0

anxiety 1


2:13 finish typing down check out and tallying sanitizing LOOK AT HOW LOW THAT NUMBER IS !!!! WOOOOOOO !!! LOOK AT THAT SHIT. ITS BEAUTIFUL. NEVER FELT THIS BEFORE WOAH WOAH WOAHHHHH



2:14 i lay in bed and pull blanket over me but dont get under covers. wanna die.


IM QUITTING LMAO. too much mentally. talking with jackie at her backyard. doing this during the talk the studio visits until the opening is too much. i need to stop and take care of myself. maybe ill still write down what i did during treatment but im stopping afterwards. i need a break. im taking care of myself. fuck off on kawara


9:32


11:23 ok i dont know if im quitting or not. ill see. it will just be full of gaps in the next two days cuz of talks and visits.


but anyways today i drew on my ipad a bunch wnd watched the f1 race with mimi. so proud of lando. wendy and i had the realization that we were both at the rich brian concert together way back when.


8:14 race ends with mimi and i go to jackie’s i drive

8:27 i find parking and say im here. jackie gets me and we go to the backyard area with the fire pit.


we catch up wnd talk about a bunch of things. i meet three of their roommates that come outside one by one n hang out just during the course of the evening.


we talk abt the psychology professor we’ve both had and how she made a weird tweet that was out of line. we also talk abt languages. jackie is learnjng german rn and used to take french but its rusty. jackies roommate is linguistics so we talked a lot abt languages tonight. i talked a bit abt not being as fluent in spanish anymore


theo also came out for a bit he was getting cords for a new interface he got for his audio stuff but he had been troubleshooting all day only to realize he didnt have the right cord. he left at around 9:30 came back a bit before 10. they didnt have the cords at target so he ordered one online


jackie and i talk abt graduation and seeing everyone and we try and figure out how many people there are in roski and quickly give up. jackie went to a fabric store today and is gonna start making clothes. i tell her abt boots i got and she talks about a jumpsuit she bought. exciting. jackie says she might roller skate across the stage at graduation and i say do it.


another one of her roommates came out earlier but i dont remember much of what we talked abt. they were rlly cute n i couldbt look them in the eye. she rolled a joint and smoked next to us as jackie and i chatted. the other roommate that came out later had redownloaded tiktok and was becoming addicted again


when the last roommate left i also decided to leave. we were talking about shitty reality shows and jackie was telling us about one about marrying millionaires and i tell her about the fake prince harry dating show. we all have fun talking abt both of them.


10:49 i get back home and text jackie that i’m back safe. i go inside and go to the bathroom dont change slippers


then i talked with wendy a bit. she was on call with theo. i checked laundry and i think milners laundry was still in the dryer. its too late to do laundry so ill take that L. i then swept the kitchen floor briefly but not too intense.


then i fed my sourdough starter and got water and drank it then got more water and refilled the jug. then i came to my room took off slippers got my ramen from today and took it threw away container and washed chopsticks and spoon. go back to room sit down


then i type. also i was working on my talk tomorrow for chapman and i emailed micol at 7:48 and at 8:37 she emailed back and i read it a bit ago and replied at 11:13 lmao. i was on instagram for a bit after sitting down too. i forgot what i wrote down today but kibum cant make it but david is going to try but hes still in colorado and so is laub


11:37 finish typing all that down. sorry its a fucked up log today but i managed to type it down. it might become more anecdotal like this depending on how the days go. i also want to see what happens after the opening because either i stop then or i continue until the end of april which seems rather fitting. i do only have ten days to go pretty much. i think i can make it happen im just being more lenient with myself because i dont want to run myself to the ground while also being in therapy !!!


this has gotten a lot harder ever since being in therapy. the good news is that im doing a lot better. that also means that im exhausted after therapy and so i dont do a lot after or check my phone or have energy for several hours so there’s always a Gap in motivation that i have.


so i guess it was easier to do back when i started but now its kind of just me trying to find energy when i can and im telling myself that its ok. im doing a lot of emailing and energy expending rn for the show so it makes sense that i have less energy to take notes like this. and i think that rather than quitting its to celebrate that


also because i have way less compulsions now so i dont really have markers like i used to where i have to write things down !!! like before i would write down every time i sanitized but now i dont so i just vibe and draw for a few hours and dont look at my phone at all. my life is just different right now and i thjnk that’s beautiful


typing all of this stuff down is helping me a lot because i think what ive learned through all this is that i genuinely do have a life and i feel like im breathing again finally after having such a bad time with my ocd. and im not like my sim as much anymore. im like my sim on a good day in the beginning now. it really did become a weird 180. so i think its exciting that it did that ! but now all of my actions r more instinctive rather than being ruled by compulsions so i think less while doing the things and so time passes by


but isn’t that really interesting ? how packed my days felt when i first started out and how ruled by mental prompts i was. and now it feels more like im following my whims and what i truly desire rather than what my brain is telling me to do. i feel more human again. and im rlly happy about that



so maybe that’s what ill do is ill try my best to use timestamps during treatment but if i want to just do freeform writing like i am now afterwards then that will be just as interesting. because im thinking differently now. This is how im thinking now. im a completely different person


isnt that beautiful ? i think that’s beautiful. ok i have to charge my phone and take my meds one second here

11:46 i get up go to take meds we bumped my risperdal up to 1.75 at night but besides that everything is the same

11:47 i look in the mirror. feel fat but its ok i tell myself. i didnt eat dinner but i had a nutrigrain fruit bar while talking to wendy once i got back

11:48 i put away my sweatshirt and turn off mylight. i take off my sweatpants so im just wearing my pj shorts again. i turn off my light and wait for my eyes to adjust then get into bed and charge mu phone

11:51 sam and wendy are chatting outside abt having bad days. mimi and i were also super tired today. we cant tell if its the post party or not cuz sam wasnt at the party this weekend he was in his room

11:52 wendy goes back to her room. she snorted all of her coke last night instead of asking sam for adderall. im concerned abt both of those actions since she was trying to force an all nighter

11:53 i didnt brush my teeth or put on T but ill do that tomorrow morning. gonna catch up on obey me