1:01 i finish sweeping my room. i swiffer too but its dry not wet and i wish it was wet. feels cleaner

1:02 we pause so ace can get into pjs. i say i might tap out. my head hurts

1:04 i say gnite. headache bad

1:09 finish filling oht yesterday

1:18 i catch up on obey me

1:24 i went to bathroom change slipper pee wssh hands cjanhe slipper back to room

1:25 set alsrm gnite mighr masturbate. i laid down n my back cracked so nice rn. peaceful

8:00 wake up. dream hard to remember. jamie there. Julian stern there and he had an older brother than was younger.  Julian was dating jamje but cheated on her with me. i was facetiming to pick something up for jamie but then i went over and played video games. we played smash and gta. a lot of gta and we talk abt video games and how i dont play a lot of them. we dont do anhthing and then we decided we couldn’t do this bur i was also texting his older be other and julian said that he was a ljttle short. i said ok. morning comes ans i eat breakfast there. jamie and wendy come over.

then we drive. we go next to a train station. we drive jamies car ans i talk to the older brother but it’s awkward. he is shorter and has bad acne. his friend that is also there is taller olive skin dark hair but i dont pau attention. we are in a big underground parking lot and we set off all crammed into the car. im in the middle and the brother and friend are in the far bakckseat and jamie is driving. when we arribe we pull into a parking lot and suddenly jm alone trying to meet up with them. theres the overpasses crisscrossing above me. theres a tiny restaurant warm light tan paint and iron cute fence wirh some plants. jamie calls and asks where im at wnd i say im on my way i walk past restaurant to station

i go inside and its bir jusy blank concrete and whiteish tile and some ticket booths. train tracks to the right. my mom is there with everhone in line. we are buying trip packages to mexico. my mom says to wave hi to carlitos and i look to the booth to the right and titi carlos is working there ans he gives us a wave and a smilen

the tour guide lady looks like my sixth grade teacher ms shaver and she shows us rock climbing packages. there is a smooth plastic rope and a knotted woven rope. i talk to the brother whilenwe decide. he seems nice but not my type.

then we decide on the knotted rope and i travel and suddently im alone in a giant field wkth a small cabin to my left and cows in the distance. i have a frisbe. i drill more holes in it. i wm simultaneously me and an 8yr old girl that looks like me with my long long hair from back then braided but its not me. we try to throw the frisbee wnd we do bad but eventually we get better wnd each time we run to get it but then teleport back to the cabin immediately like it just loops. o get a call from julian stern he and jamie are together and asks where im at. i say hang on. the dream blurs and thats all i remember

8:08 check instagram mail and messages

8:10 back to notes

8:19 finish typing dream check fitbit. it says i got 2hr 30min and then woke up at 4:30. so i slept 6hr 30 min since i actually woke up at 8. i got a 62. i wonder why it didnt track the last half

8:21 check obey me

8:27 finish obey me. get up put on slippers walk to bathroom

8:28 go in bathroom change slippers pee. get up wipe toilet seat flush wash hands. brush teeth

8:30 finish wash face wash hands. start walking to room change slippers

8:31 im at my room take off slippers. make my bed.

8:32 get on my bed try and load teams meeting and clear yesterday’s check in form

8:33 join group

8:48 finisb group gonna start exposures. tech first

check in:

yesterday for hw i did sweeping, did the podcast with jamie and wendy, and using my ipad alongside ba’s

i didnf do the ipad because i took a fat nap (lol) but next time i just need to prioritize it more

ideas for today are to get through as many of my trials as i can today without rushing, maybe practice using my second monitor, do laundry of my towels so i have an ability to shower more

depression 1 ln 2

avoidance 1 ln 2

rumination 1 ln 3

self harm thoughts 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time wednesday

eat breakfast no last time yesterday

slept 6.5hr and ok

suicidal ideation 0 ln 1

anxiety 0 ln 1

8:52 finish 3 2 1

8:55 wrote a bit of check in technology again

8:59 finish 3 3 1

9:02 finish writing out check. i realize i havent been writing check oht. i need to fix that. gonna do kitchen floor next. i pause to plug in air freshener then i put on slippers go outside

9:03 start

9:07 finish. 2 1. i go and feed my sourdough starter

9:12 i finish. one more floor

9:15 finish 2 0. i go wipe down the counter n wash the cup

9:18 gonna squeeze a sink in there go to bathroom dont change slippers

9:21 finish eitht urges saniize 1 0. urges from befoee. join meeting

9:32 end meeting. nothing important. just gonna work on more exposures

9:36 finish tech 3 1 0.

9:38 finish updating exposures. my right arm hurts now

9:39 one more tech

9:43 finish. 2 1 0.

9:45 check insta

9:48 tech one last tome

9:52 finish 2 0 0. now i have to venture outside lmao. ok i need 4 sink 5 fridge 5 washing machine 3 floor

9:55 ok going outside. put on slippers took water glass floor now

9:59 finish. 2 0. tried walking between laminate and tile and jt didnt change much thank god

10:02 i wipe down the table three urges wash hands two more. the sink is dirty again. why am i the only one that cleans it. but then again sam is the only one for trash so i cant complain

10:03 fridge

10:06 finish 2 1 3. ten urges. go on insta

10:10 sink

10:13 finish 2 2 0. 3 sink 4 fridge 5 wm 2 floor. 14 to go 11 done. not bad

10:15 two urges. i get brain zaps. could they really be delusions ? i dont think theyre gonna kill me or anything. im just patiently waitinf jt oht. that reminds me to take my morning risperdal. gonna do wm then do that

10:19 i finish 2 0 2. i put leave in conditioner on the part of my hair that’s a bit sticky outy today

10:20 six urges i go change slippers get water and go to my room take off slippers take risperdal

10:22 mimi walks down the hall and wishes me good morning

10:23 sink. i go outside and pass mimi making coffee at the counter

10:26 finish 0 0 0. i rub leave in conditioner into my longer braid

10:27 dom texts. she asks to posts phone til 4:30. that works perfect for me.

10:28 mimi sends me a photo of her art tools. its all water mixable. i need to buy new linseed oil then.

10:29 wm

10:32 finish. 2 0 1. i realize my paranoia is a Lot better. wow. theres no ghosts in the ether in front of me either. no gaster shadows

10:34 its so funny mimi and i texfing while im in the bathroom shes in the kitchen.

10:35 sink

10:38 finish. 0 0 0. idk what happened but im totally chill with it now. nice. 1 sink 3 wm  3 fridge 2 floor. nine to go.

10:40 i change slippers go into kitchen. mimi js eating yogurt and a banana at the table

10:41 fridge

10:45 finish. 2 3 3. i go to my room take off slippers. eight urges. eight exposures to go

10:46 i do Not sanitize i get on bed and fill out logs. join meeting

10:51 finish. next week we r gonna switch from sink to touching shower handles and now that the floor is all good we r gonna start handling dishware. that one might be hard but im ready.

10:52 gonna do retrain ocd

10:54 start

11:03 finish. need to go outside will do at 11:05. maybe ill make lunch rn cuz im starvinf or at least get watee boiling. start floor

11:09 finish 2 0. get water bouling for noodles packages

11:12 start fridge

11:16 end fridge 3 2 1. drain noodles and then add tofu to noodles and some sauces

11:21 fridge

11:25 finish. 2 1 0. start eating noodles. tomorrow maybe ill pan fry these with more tofu and peas

11:26 i get a voicemail from cvs abt a prescription. irs my testosterone i have to get it today before going to quest to get bloodwork done

11:28 last floor one

11:32 finish 0 0. i started eating my noodles halfway thru habituation. i stop myself now because i know im eating later and i dont want to overeat.

groceries i want:

milk

eggs

when i go home maybe get bok choy ?

mushrooms

bananas

apples

monterey jack cheese

mozzarella

sausage

11:48 finish washing dishes and putting my leftover noodles in tupperware. it’s hot still so i leave kt with the lid unsealed on the counter. i ate too much but its ok ill just wear a tshirt in the pool

11:49 join lunch hang out group. it’s one of the girls’ last day too, so two people are leaving today. sad. they were both so nice so i write down their contact info for when i get ou

11:46 talking abt memes

12:00 we leave and join group

1:00pm leave group. gonna use lauren’s name cuz she’s discharging but we had a GREAT time in the group therapy gc today. we all talked about how good the he/they’s voice is and tjey lead us in mindfulness. tip screaming

1:03 exposure logs. 3 washing machine one sink

1:04 i pass sam making mac and cheese in the kitchen

1:07 finish sink 0 0 0. sam tells me abt his mac and cheese. he’s adding oven baked cheese bites for crunch. excellent choice

1:08 i braid my front hair and run to my room dont take off slippers grab a rubber band and tie it. i head back to the bathroom. sam says this mac and cheese is the first non frozen food he’s had all week. i say congrats ans i put my noodles away in the fridge. mimi is workinf out in the entryway

1:12 washinf machin

1:15 finish. 2 1 1. i braid my longer braid. i think abt adding a third braid to the mix.


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1:19 wm

1:22 end. 3 2 3. four urges. i touched a slightly dustier part

1:25 one more

1:29 finish 4 3 4. eight urges. i walk thru the kitchen see sam eating at the table mimi still working out. i go to my room take of slippers sanitize

1:30 i sit down update exposure logs. all done for the day

1:31 join meeting

1:42 end meeting. megan is proud of me. we brainstorm weekend plans

1:46 fill check out. gonna do makeup idk why

2:00 alarm rings. i quickly half ass my nose contour and run to my laptop. urge

2:01 join group

2:13 leave tried sayinf something in group to say bye to lauren and brooke and it glitched and nothing was workinf. unsure if they heard. whatever ill text them when i discharge !! i still dont know how i go about using names. i think i will use names casually but then for specific experiences i will not.

2:14 i do my makeup more

2:30~ i finish. i try on my bathing suit bottoms and my body shape no longer fits them. i change into shorts and feel muvh better. i feel fat again. it takes a few diff pairs of shorts until im comfy withmyself

2:43 i put on a pair of pants go out of my room put on slippers walk tk bathroom change slippers. i pass mimi emptying the dishwasher

2:44 i sit down and pee. elisa is texting me. shes coming over 3pm on monday to print more stickers. exciting !! i print the quest documents from my phone then wash my hands

2:45 i pick them up once i leave the bathroom and change slippers. i go to my room take off slippers and organize my things in my bag.

2:50 i realize i should get going because i check and my appt is at 3:45 not 4

2:52 drive. worried that my meds will have been reshelved and ill have to wait 30min cuz if that happens ill have to come back another day

2:59 arrive at the village

3:02 enter target sanirize

3:10 back in car. got my meds. also got toothpaste. dribinf now

3:34 i arrive. i drove into one parking lot and the guy said i could either pay a $9 flat rate over here or cross over to pay $4 every twenty minutes for a $12 max rate on the other side of the lot. i say ill go to the other side and he laughs and shows me where to go. i drive forward and the man on the other side moves some orange cones for me and gives me a ticket. i leave it in my car cuz im not sure what to do with it.

3:35 i exit my car and go out. i spend a few minutes on the wrong set of stairs before i finally realize the entrances to the buildings are on the other side. i figure it out on the fourth floor ( i parked on p3 ) and i go in. i look at my quest email and it says suite 203 so i click the elevator button. im terrified of elevators

3:36 the elevator dings open. its covered in cardboard and red tape and the top us half open so you can see the dirty part that they try and hide. i want tk cry. i press 2 and it goes down fast and i lean againsf the rail. im terrified its going to collapse and im going to fall to my death.

3:37 i step out the elevator. im alive. i walk down the hall and into quest. i scan my qr code on the ipad and a nurse comes. i give her the forms i printed out and she scans my insurance card. she has me follow her to the back

3:38 i sit diwn at the table and put my tote bag on the ground. she takes my forms and spends a minute organizing everything on the computer. she prints stuff out.

3:39 she shows me the vitamin d test isn’t covered by my insurance because they didn’t write down a diagnosis for me when rogers submitted the requests. she said that i can submit it back to my doctor and have her figure it out and not to worry. she said i just have to say i’m not paying it and it’s fhe doctor’s fault for not specifying. i trust her. she has beautiful eyes so i’ll listen LMAO.

3:40 i sign some papers and she starts drawing blood

3:42~ we finish. i ask where the pay machine for parking is and she says its right outside. i realize that i shouldn’t have left my ticket in my car.

3:45~ it takes me several minutes to figure out how to get back to my car and then a few more to get back to the pay machine. the cost is 4 dollars. glad it stayed under 8. i walk back to my car

3:52 set off again.

3:55~ i pull into a street parking spot a bit aways and text askinf if i should brinf anything to dom’s. no response and i check waze and if i leave now ill get there @ 4:30 and will have time to figure things out so i’m not right on time. i start drivinf again

4:28 i arrive

4:35 on insta. gonna check locations

4:36 cam and bacon are on their way. gonna just typw down blood draw info then text that i’m here

4:40 dom texts the gate code. i say im here but i’ll be a bit cuz im typing

4:53 finish typing. check locations. cam and bacon are almost here. gonna walk over now

4;59 i ft dom cuz idk how to get inside. dom walks