12:08 catch up on obey me. set alarms sleep gnite. gonna get up early to catch up mkre

12:24 cum from asturbating. thinking wbt f1 race. was i dreaming ?frlt like a dream

7:40 wake up obey me. skeeo

8:10 wake upvchrchvyhjutp

8:23 up awake for real now. keep farting

8:28 i get up and go to mirror. i have bad bedhead so i flatten it down

8:29 grab my laptop go to bed

8:30 join group from my bed and fill out check out form while im there

8:43 leave group. it’s so dry and i feel terrible. i might nap until 9:10

(8:50am 4.21 me:

check in:

i finished exposures and did ba’s last night for hw

ideas for exposures are to finish trials, keep eating from dishes, and do more laundry

depression 0 ln 1

avoidance 2 ln 1

rumination 1 ln 2

self harm 0 ln 0

homicidal 0 ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth no last time yesterday

shower no last time sunday

breakfast no last time yesterday ( i ate it late )

slept 7hr

suicidal ideation 0 ln 1

anxiety 0 ln 1

)


9:05 wake up. feel better

9:06 put on new underwear

9:07 walk to bathroom sit down pee

9:08 get up wipe flush wash hands brush teeth

9:10 finish wash face put on T

9:12 finish wash hands leave bathroom didnt change slippers

9:13 get bread out fridge and cream cheese put in toaster. start trash can

9:14 eat a slice of bread while habituating and go get water from room come back

9:17 finish 2 3 0. my toast finished while i habituated so i put cream cheese on it and eat it

9:19 i throw away empty cream cheese and take the last of my toast and water with me to my room take off slippers

9:20 get on bed and join meeting with megan

9:35 leave meeting. talked a bit with megan about discharge and what the situation with my insurance is. so far everything seems to be ok


9:47 was on insta get up put on slippers go to bathroom pass mimi in kitchen say hello

9:48 enter bathroom put on contacts

9:49 go back to room take off slippers bring makeup to desk

10:26 i finish my makeup and getting dressed. gonna have to do exposures thru lunch to catch up. check messages augustina texted but gonna start exposures respind later

10:27 go outside put on slippers. wendy enters thru back hallway door. i think shes on her ohone. sink

10:30 finish 2 1 1. the phone is wet from the side counter by the sink three urges

10:31 clean up the counter three urges. looks like exposures r easy today but other stuff isnt. huh

10:34 augustina sent me a reddit meme. sam sent me a nicki minaj meme on insta. microwave time

10:37 finish 4 3 2. urge. take photo of stove send yo roommates. angry

10:42 ok emailed back matt and kevin. gonna do shower

10:45 5 2. no urges but feet feel awful. i respond to a meme ace sent kon and i on insta

10:48 respond to augustina mimi and marisol on instagram

10:49 clothes still in dryer but i gotta do it

10:52 finish 5 4 4. four urges. so mych lint. feel terribleh

10:54 trash again go outside to kitchen

10:57 finish 2 1 3. three urges

11:03 start sink. was confirming studio dates with schelsey

11:06 finish 4 5 6. something got on my hand. fifteen urges four more. idk. mind went blank. mind still blank

11:12 archived all photos of myself on my instagram. gonna do microwave

11:16 2 1 3. two urges still rattled. go to texts and insta

11:17 i feel so shitty i keep having the urge to type that im going to fucking kill myself. im going to fucking kill myself. this feels awfull five urges. i want to sanitize so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad now three more urges its relentless gonna do shower

11:18 in bathroom shower

11:21 finish 5 4. four urges. feet r tinglign so bad. feel awful. check insta for casey’s message

11:26 post abt thesis opening to insta. go do dryer

11:29 finish 4 3 2. two urges. go back to room fix eyeliner

11:33 trash can go back ohtside

11:36 finish 3 2 1 two urges. gonna wait a minute then do sink. feeling better now that my eyeliner is fixed. back in control of my brain

11:38 microwave

11:41 4 3 2 six urges. mimi comes in from the hallway with groceries and says hello. i say hi back and she starts to unload things into the pantry

11:42 mimi takes the air mattress bag from the living room and moves it to the side then puts done the leg rests on the beige couch and opens the blinds

11:45 shower

11:48 finish 4 3 two urges

11:51 dryer

11:55 finish 3 2 1. three urges. go to room fix makeup make bed

12:00 join group


12:01 join group for real. there was a gmail error so it took a while to load

12:36 im texting mama. she wants me to ask around and see if anyone has an extra ticket so Julián can come see me at graduation. im going to ask around but i think its uncertain. maybe ill ask cam

12:58 we leave group. really amazing convo today about living up to our potentials. i love everyone in this group. just a lot of support and helping each other realize that we can live our lives with mental illness and not be letting ourselves / everyone down. as someone with a lot of professors supporting me i’m always worried about letting them down so it means a lot to have these words and conversations to remind myself that it’s ok.

1:03 join meeting with megan

1:12 finish we talk about hw and she wants me to do some things for fun cuz all of my BAs i mention are productive BAs. she’s calling me out lmao. she compliments my makeup which means a lot. people also liked it in group and they laughed when i told them i did it as avoidance.

1:18 i contour an adam’s apple. i kind of have one but i make it more prominent. its very gender affirming

1:42 i email wade wallerstein and apply for an interview for deformal gallery. tired. gotta do some exposures but probably after group. gonna try and relax before my talk and go over my points one more time

1:57 i was editing my presentation and finding the right timestamps for all my excerpts. i also started categorizing all of my igtv videos finally.

1:58 i fill out my check out form

1:59 mental notes of things to do today

2:00 join group

2:01 realize i miss the obey me extra ap window

2:09 leave group. stressed. gonna go make something to eat before my talk and take my morning risperdal

(8:52 4.21 me:


check out:

today i worked on exposures.

i think i made progress. i was a bit avoidant but also am preparing for my talk right after this so i’m allowing it and i’ll do the rest of my exposures after my talk

depression 0

avoidance 2

rumination 1

self harm 0

homicidal 0

hw is do more exposures and BAs and keep balance and try and do something enjoyable

suicidal ideation 0

anxiety 3 )


2:14 go out to kitchen put on slippers. finish itemizing igtv videos. mentos isnt loading but loads fine from other accts.

2:16 reanna texts me photos. they r in the 3D gallery rn n taking screenshots of my work. kon is also texting ace and i wishing they lived in california. i wish the same

2:17 i put my pasta sisters in the microwave

2:20 done. its burning hot so i give it a sec

2:21 gingerly move it to table. grab a fork. might grab the shitty parm from webdys fridge

2:25 finish. so fuckign tasty

2:26 grab water from room go get water. sit back down at kitchen table

2:27 mentos illness finally loads. we are at risk of being deleted again

2:39 was on instagram posting memes to mentos. now back at my desk in my room took off slippers. ANXIOUS

2:40 email back matt. 2pm on tuesday next week is the plan

3:58 end meeting with micol. someone in class recognized buffcorrell and someone else had a bladee poster on the wall and laughed when i recognized it

3:59 i get up to go outside. gonna rest before class


4:09 told sam and mimi abt my talk. MY SHOES ARRIVED. gonna wear them to my opening. so excited to buy knee high socks for them now. they fit rlly well ! sitting at kitchen table

4:10 i ask abt laundry n mimi says shes doing a load and then putting milner’s back in yhe dryer but after that i can go. god fucking damnit

4:16 i go to the bathroom dont change slippers close both doors sit down #1 and 2

4:17 i go on insta and text ace and kon too. kon is gonna come visit soon hopefully

4:21 i get up wipe flush wash hands exit. considering smoking weed

4:25 i find my pen outside go to my room take off slippers take some hits blow some smoke rings. i regret it already but fuck it all

4:30 take swlfies on photobooth

5:08 been on my phone. checked mail. matt stromberg meet tuesday 2pm

5:12 do i email tom and let him know ? just cuz he was asking abt a checklist

5:15 i email tom abt that and the map

5:20 was on insta sam comes out room i tell him abt hyperallergic. he says nice and goes to bathroom closes door. he come out talk abt how he hasbto add pics to this thesis for the second draft

5:21 im crying but idk why

5:22 go to room take off slippers plug ohone in bed cuz i have three percent. gonna check obey me then do intern applications

6:14 been catching up on all the chats in obey me. get up put on slippers go outside to make dinner. grab rappoki bags n am gonna make that


6:30 i finish cooking sit down nd eat.i hard boiled eggs and was planning on eating them but i forgot how long they take to hard boil so it didnt happen in time but its ok ill make ramen eggs with thema nd eat them with rice later

sam came out while i was cooking and we chatted about disney evemtually buying all media sources. we dream of a live action tails gets trolled miniseries.

6:33 i sit down and eat. sam sits down and makes toast and cream cheese and eats next to me


6:36 i go take eggs out of pot and put them in cold water

7:02 i finish eating and wendy came out briefly she reminds us of the meeting. i wash all my dishes

7:03 i come inside my room take off slippers and join zoom. secret meeting time


8:20 finish. task is to make website pages and upload to drive

8:21 go outside mimi eating. i ask whose laundry she says milner i take it out n put my load in.

8:22 back in kitchen wendy and jamie r outside now ( jamie came over for meeting ). they r gonna make tigers jaw puzzle

8:24 wendy goes to cook something and is chopping at the counter. sam was outside but went bqck to his room. i stand at the kitchen table. gonna try n finish exposures later tonight but do work first