8:00 gm

dream was with nat and jamie in desert like are with some drying bushes like joshua tree. it was my birthday and late at night and i left the place to wander outside at like three am. the moon was out so it wasnt pitch black.  i go to a bush and pick up a pink object that looks like sausage libks. i put it back down. items r spawning around me. walk around come back its now thr frog phone frlm the meme.

then im with coco and my brother getting on a train or plane or something. we try one entrance but then try anither and a flight atttendanf helps us. its a door like in star wars that opens downwards ans makes a ramp like a drawbridge. its fancy and ee go inside and then we can drink

then its jamies birthday and nat and i r in the sane cabin house in the desert. we are all drunk. jamie is celebrating. i couldnt drink on my birthday but i can drink now but not a lot

we want to head outside and we do but its bright out. cars. i think this is when the train part happened actually

then i get a call from sam and texts from the cummies groupchat. there is new housing opening up like the cabin we are at. i walk out abd am in more of a desert with what looks like giant trailers. there are doors. each door has twelve people allowed and in my head i think its perfect. im the only one there so i go to the website on my phone and sign up to put down a deposit. i have my mothers card memorized jn the dream and i type it down and get it. my mom calls me and i explain that its for housing snd she says ok. theres a queue of people behind me now trying to get housing. the insude looks like an RV with a vertical shower and its cramped in the corner and the deposit was 795. theres s tall guy with shaggy bleach blonde hair and visible dark roots and a short girl two small pigtails that stick out to her shoulders. theyre mad i got the house first cuz theyre filling up. i say im gonna make the house riverdale themed with cutouts of kj apa and cole sprouse, but i accidentally say cody simpson and not cole sprouse and i have to correct myself.

i exit the house and go outside and doen the long switchback ramp that is now there. it used to be steps. theres the new boot goofin guy from reno 911 and if someone runs he shoots them with his gun and they fall to the group. i walk slowly and pass another sheriff who is on their break. they dont shoot me but keep looking at their hand but something slrts them snd they spring into action and shoot their gun and what looks like a pistachio comes out and falls after moving only a few feet. they glitch and immediately go back to standing against the railing and i go down

other tidbits:

calling my brother and he says the word Donk but i dknt remember whag else he said

seth mitchell was there for the house but not present, just online for the group chat

i think after the house elisa and gavin picked me up at late at night and drove me back to the cabjn which nkw had a driveway. elisa says something to me. gavin is half asleep in the backs eat and resting against the right window snd i sit on the left side.

it wasnt cam but a girl that looks like cam was at the party and trying to keep things in order

and there was a lot more but thats what i remember. i finally remembered a dream !!! its been so long. i knew falling asleep earlier would help but not i dont feel rested

8:23 i finish typing check fitbit

8:26 had to go and manually pair it but i got 8hrs of sleep ! my sleep score was ninety woah. ive been getting mid seventies.

8:28 my alarm rings again. i need to join group. dont have time to use bathroom cuz i was writing diwn my dream. this alwags happens


8:29 get on laptop fill out form

8:30 join group

8:44 leav e group. have to text rex and my brother back


8:55 go to bathroom sit down #1 abd 2. chrck obey me

8:57 finish wipe flush wash hands. fiddle with soap dispenser and fix it. brush teeth

9:00 finish. put on new toilet paper and take off yesterday’s eyeliner

9:03 exit bathroom. grab yogurt from fridge

9:05 texting rex more abt what ppl do on their finstas and workinf through relationship problems. nat’s going thru a rough time rn n we r worried abt them

9:06 back in room dont take off slippers go get face oil

9:07 no exposures before meeting gonna just eat breakfast mindfully

9:10 exit room get muesli from pantry. mix yogurt and museli together. im officially out of yogurt

9:11 put honey on it sit down at table.

9:19 wendy givess me a bite of her cake i say thank you we agree red velvet is delicious. i go back to my room close door take off slippers

9:20 join meeting

9:36 exit with megan. i cried a lot. just very very tired. megan said to take it easy today and to just get done what i can and to not worry abt hw since my opening is lasting all night long. when we hang up i cry for a while longer and go on my phone a bit

10:00 join dr wang meeting. was texting and on instagram

10:33 hang up with dr wang. she still isnt sure if i have ocd or if its all paranoia but is glad that the risperdal is helping. me trying to explain to her that it’s probably also me improving from doing all of this therapy doesn’t seem to work. i really do think that i have ocd symptoms so im not quite sure how she is seeing the situation but im just going to talk to dr davis once i get out of here and see wtf he thinks since he knows me better. also i dont even know what diagnosis paranoia is like is PPD? is it paranoid schizophrenia ? what is the paranoia caused by or is it just Paranoia because it’s usually a symptom and not an entire diagnosis on its own ???? it doesn’t really matter i’m just curious as to what is going on with my disagnoses rn lmao.

10:36 typing stuff down i fart


10:37 put on slippers exit room. gonna try and do trash can lid. ok here goes

10:41 finish. 6 7 6.5. i want to throw up. i gagged so hard. i can do this. 30 urges and five more. if its constant urges i just say thirty cuz im too stressed to count

11:14 did the puzzle. kitchen sink time

11:18 2 0 0. ok gonna do trash again

11:22 6 4 3 but jump back up to 5 at the end. the smell is terrible. sixteen urges when i finish three more now. idk how to describe how i know what an urge is but i just feels like the pit in my stomach is dropping and my whoke body wants to sanitize

11:23 sam exits the bathroom and goes to his room. he’s excited abt dressinf up to go to my art opening

11:27 shower

11:31 finish 5 4. wet floor feels bad ew. sam Just got out of the shower and i smell the sweat along with the soap. gonna do dryer and then toilet seat

11:33 dryer

11:35 cut it early 2 0 0. not tracking urges today sorry i just cant. too much stress. feel dirty on my feet still. toilet time

11:39 6 5 6. ill be ok. so many urges just one big yell

11:43 come outside mimi is there she says hey i say hi back. she gets water from our fridge. sink time

11:47 finish 1 0 0. this is nothign compared to the trash. one more shower

11:50 4 3. feels gross but this is nothing !!! this is nothing. dryer

11:53 2 0 1. toilet

11:54 no toilet. im in an energy spike. i need to calm down

11:57 put on contact leave bathroom. never changed slippers

11:58 walk past mimi eating at kitchen table go sit at desk in room dont take off slippers cuz feet r cold


12:01 join group. i stg i know zoe from somewhere

12:23 look at myself in photobooth and compare it to previous photos ive taken. ive gained weight since the start of the semester. feels awful



3:58 set up


transparent paper layer sims day over mine


11:01 im at home now !

11:06 im ending this when my show ends at least i feel like i am. the opening was really cathartic. or ill end it tonight ill see how i feel tomorrow


my opening went really well. so tired. no more typing today. talked with people. mimi making me a pazooki. so happy.

11:22 ate and said thank u to sam and mimi. in bed. sleepy. goodnight

11:51 ok gnite