no major notes for today just exposure logs


8:09 dream i was with jack and wendy but it wasnt jack it was a boy with shaggy brown hair in a longer vers of reigen’s haircut with round glasses that made it hard to see his eyes. we were in a store that sold the same things as hot topic but was bigger and nicer. we were picking out clothes for him. there was a crop top pink in front blue in back with a line drawing he liked and i pulled something orange out for him too. we were looking for funky designs but he wanted things that looked like him so we kept finding cartoon vers of him on the shirts and he slowly morphed until he was a simple cell shaded cartoon and wendy was gone. i go farther back into the store and look at greeting cards to see if theres any that are good for tshirt designs.


at the same time a girl with blunt cut straight hair at a diagonal slightly below her chin and bangs appear. she has tan skin and blonde hair. she asks jack who is no longer jack if hes a famous fighter because thats who’s on the shirts. jack does not look like w fighter at all and has a button down light blue pale like almost white shirt tucked into khaki pants and a brown belt. he lies and says yes. shes fawbing over him


i do my freckles in a mirror and come back to the store and get hit on by a few guys. i go to the mirror and smudge them a lot to look mkre natural but i put so many on the left side of my face it looks scarred. this old man comments on it next time i come out


we were in this weird vehice driving through a place maybe a jungle ?


wendy tells us its time to go in the store but i cant hear her. i go outside. jack now also has a girl with blunt cut hair like colette in ratatouille and a frown on her face. she and some guys are all fighters and dont believe that jack is a fighter. there is the blonde girl and a girl that looks the same but slightly longer hair. its her olfer sister. the og blonde girl has more delicate features. they are arguing over who gets jack and they start to fight.


jack stands there and watches them with a bemused look on his face. colette girl is behind him with the guys one has buzzed blonde hair. her arm stretchs out and she slaps his arms and back Hard. his arm moves up in response but he doesnt move. shes surprised. maybe he could be a fighter after all.


thats all i remember


(2:15 here)

ok assuming i wrote this down at 8”30 so im gonna put it at that time

for hw last night i got through my thesis opening!

my goals are to finish trials but keep it balanced, touch ipad, and do more laundry

depression 0 ln 0

avoidance 1 ln 1

rumination 1 ln 0

self harm 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner yer

brush teeth yes

shower no last time sunday

breakfast no last time yesterday

suicidal ideation 0 ln 0

anxiety 0 ln 1


then after that i made microwave pho in between check in and my meeting with megan

9:20 meet with megan

(2:17pm me says goodbye now)


9:38 just had a really amazing talk with megan about my thesis. i shared my diaries with her and made sure that she knew they weren’t compulsions because I took a lot of breaks and checked in with myself regularly. she really loved the idea and loved what i learned from the sims as well. we talked about my progress and how the lining up of treatment and show dates was really important. idk it just meant a lot and i wanted to write it down. idk. she said i was brilliant and she’s so proud of me and my progress and i want to cry rn cuz that means so much. im working so hard im trying so hard. it means a lot for someone to be there by me and be proud of me


crying now. im so happy it feels like one big exhale. the amount of fear ive had over my thesis has been insane like genuinely mentally ill. i was so scared i couldn’t do it or id have to take a semester off, or that i would fail miserably and my mental illness would once again stop me. i was so scared. im still scared but im doing so much better


its so nice to feel like a human being again. i miss this. i didnt think i could feel like this again. im so grateful. i dont think people realize how grateful i am for them. this is my gratitude


9:43 wiping off my tears. exposure time. i can do it !!! i can do it !!!!


9:44 outside in kitchen. start trash

9:48 finish. 5 4 4. its not as bad if i just focus on the lid itself. working on puzzle

9:51 sink time

9:55 finish 2 0 0. i clean and feed my sourdough starter and get paper towels. we are on our last roll

10:01 i finish with sourdough starter and clean up. three urges. next is shower

10:05 finish 3 2. one urge. really good mood today so things r way easier. feels nice. sitting on toilet lid to habituate

10:08 dryer

10:12 finish 2 0 1. check insta. timmy’s drawings r wild. i wanna draw like him. want to tattoo fun things like that. i crack my neck a few times. at 10:15 i do toilet seat. it will be ok !!

10:15 start. i rub my eye before

10:18 finish 5 5.5 3. four urges. its a Very low three like less of stress and more of rumination / being uncomfortable

10:21 wipe n flush the seat cuz i notice a stain. realize after i shouldnt have done that. whatever. five urges one more. dryer

10:25 4 5 3. four urges two more. its cuz of the toilet seat. i read thru some of my early logs

10:38 i got sucked into my daily logs. dryer time

10:41 i get a brain zap. been a very long time since i felt that. i look in the mirror. finish 1 0 1. one urge. its still from the toilet. u can see my breasts still even tho this is a giant shirt i want to cry.

10:42 i text back spencer. we werw texting earlier abt their job and a fanfiction they wrote. it was so good even if it was abt hetalia. ill allow it. three urges

10:43 three urges from toilet again. wanna cry. its getting everything dirty. another urge to sanitize. i havent had urges in so long like this where its not just an urge its a NEED. four more. one more

10:44 urge. three more. shower

10:47 finish 1 0. its not wet so its super easy rn. urge thinking abt showering barefoot. two more. also three urges from toilet while i habituated

10:48 i walk out of the bathroom briefly and i notice someone put away the dishes. thank you. ill do it next time. ill take out the recycling today as hw. three urges

10:49 three urges just boom boom boom. four more. its like my hands pulse n my stomach drops.

10:50 toilet seat again

10:53 finish 6 6 4. six urges four more once i finish. go on insta text back nat and respond to aswathy in the comments of the backup account.

10:56 i text back soencer. four urges from using my phone n touching the seat. sink time. sit at kitchen table to habituate

10:59 finish four urge. 5 4. its all residual from toilet seat but i feel the urges start to go down three more. im less uncomfy. ill get there. maybe ill bake tonight

11:01 i go get my charger from my room and go back to the kitchen i plug it in by the counter. four urges. i hate touching ym hpone but i cant avoid it !!! cant avoid it. next is trash can

11:02 trash can time

11:05 6 6.5 5. i say i love my friends out loud. twenty four urges three after. its the repeated touches that r affecting me. i started crying during habituation. i was thinking of ren and rex and teryn

11:06 i rub my chin with the back of my hand. i want to work on the puzzle but im scared to touch it. wendy comes outside from her room and opens her fridge

11:07 wendy washes an empty bottle of apple cider and shoves it in the already oevrflowing recycle bin. i tell her to put it to the side but she doesnt do it. i laugh

11:08 wendy grabs slices of bread from her fridge and puts them in the toaster. four urges cuz i can smell the trash. ill start with sink next.

11:09 sink

11:12 i scratch my crotch. i finish. been cracking my neck a lot. 4 3 4 and like six urges ? i was daydreaming a lil. thinking abt people reading when i masturbate. want to kms but not in a suicidal way just embarrassed. idk why i do this to myself

11:15 react to memes sam texted me. screenshot images on twitter for mentos. trash can time again. four urges. four more. jesus christ. just boom boom boom boom. one. JESUS.

11:19 7 7 6. twenty two urges. felt like one big scream during. four more. i was coughing and gagging wnd fell to the floor. i want to die i want to wash my hands i want to sanitize

11:20 big cough and gag. four urges. feel like im gonna throw up. want to wash hands. want to die. i smell the trash on me. im filthy. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god.

11:21 cough and gag afain. have to go to bathroom do more exposures. tears running down face. want to die. oh my god eleven urges oh my god oh my god im justw riting down numbers i cant keep track i cant keep track four more now its eight not four oh my god. gonna do shower gonna walk away from trash been standing right next to it

11:22 walk away from trash but smell doesnt go away. want to cry. nine urges. i cant do this. j want to wash my hands so bad want to wash. shower time

11:26 two one. want to cry eleven urges two more. i smell the trash on me. i want to wash want to sanitize so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad so bad oh my god tbis is the worst ones yet this is the worst the worst ones megan im gonn a throttle your neck im gonna kms im gonna go back in time n beat the shit out of whoever invented exposure therapy four more urges HDJSJDJDJF AHHHHHHHHH IM FUCJCKKCKFMGMGM

11:27 still smell it i gag again. i will literally throw up dont tempt me. doing my best to hold it down. four urges

11:29 toilet time. posted meme to mentos. want to cry. eight urges. boomboomboom.

11:33 finish want to cry. 6 6.5 4. smell trash. four urges. i just dont even have brain crlls to work outside of smelling the trash

11:34 jamie sends me a meme on instagram i screenshot n post to mentos. kon and ace texted me ill look at it. twelve urges. jesus. i smell trash

11:36 dryer time. post more memes to mentos. kon sent us a tiktok abt nge. four urges i looked into toilet nothign in it but wanna throw up six i smell trash all on me its on me its on me

11:37 dryer

11:40 finish 4 4 5. i went outside to plug my phone see trash can n smell it want to die. gagging so much. so loud. didnt track urges. gonna eash my hands no ritual

11:41 wash hands use towel but freak out so wash hands again and use paper towel. throw it away oh my god nine urges okokokokok dont panic. set alarm for 11:55

11:42 go work on puzzle. four urges

11:55 alarm rings go to phone turn it off take charger phone and the among us plushie on the table and bring it to my room take off slippers

11:56 grab water take risperdal. want to sanitize but stop myself. urge. urge again

11:57 i still smell trash. gonna update exposures

12:00 update exposures n pause so i can do weekend planning

12:05 robert sends a meme. i cant react but i say i wish i could



12:11 finish updating rxposures numbers all over the place. smell trash less. 2 toilet 2 shower 1 dryer 2 trash 2 sink

12:13 i tell sal her makeup looks good. it does !!

1:00 leave group join megan

1:07 leave with megan. text in slack abt design meeting today

1:12 go out in kitchen. cold

1:13 trash can lid. one more round !!!!!

1:16 6 6.5 3. four urges. tried what brian recommended and did more thought defusion and narrating in the third person. helped so much.

1:17 three urges. anxiety rising now that i touch my phone

1:25 ok went thru my calendar scheduled all my studio visits. gonna email david

1:30 finish sink 2 1 0. sam comes out n eats a cheeseless cheesecake at the table while i habituate. we talk abt wendys insane schedule. i get texts from ben champ

1:31 texting ben champ abt my thesis

1:34 we facetime

1:58 we hang up. i love him sm. havent talked to him in over a year. gonna call him soon again. didnt do more exposures cuz of that but its ok

2:00 finish my check out form join group

2:02 enter meeting

2:13 leave group.


check out:

today i worked on exposures mainly

i did more than yesterday and that’s what matters !


depression 0

avoidance 1

rumination 2

self harm 0

homicidal 0


for hw i will do a lot of exposures and ba’s and just work hard to keep balance in my schedule cuz im getting busy

didnt sanitize today but will tally my resists later. so many today

suicidal ideation is a 0

anxiety is a 1


2:14 gonna write down check-in now

2:17 finish check in. gonna relax and finish traveler

2:38 finish slack time


BigBigBalls!1


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10:52 long day. teaching myself css. so tired. stressed. wendy sam let me sleep early so they r on call with jack for the website.


fun things today ariann texted me n we chatted abt ace attorney a bit. hope i talk to them more


fixed the scss stuff so it turned out more workable. tired as hell. exposures a lot. trash can a lot. take out recycle tomorrow. gonna dress nice. maybe wear pants not leggings


other fun things uhhhhh i dont know. have been on call since 8:30. left a few min ago. texting ace and kon. was on call from 2:30 to 5 today too. and therapy. i have work to do too. so tired.


so tired. they r all relying on me for css. i want to cry. i want someone to do this for me please. i dont know what im doing at all.