hi

doing bad 1:19

big cleaning binge. drove home at like 11:30 last night texted mom i got home 12:25 tonight.


drive was so scary. played ag cook but didnt help. prime number didnt help. they helped a little. convinced every car driving faster than me was goinf to pull up to the side and shoot me. they were chasing me. i drove fast but scared to go too fast so i stayed a bit above 80 so i wouldnt be in danger of cars ahead of me


three cars passed me on 405 and then i freak out what if i lose sight of them then im trying to keep eye on them as they drive far away. scared


make it back took wrong turn cuz stress. made it back ok. suicidal. very suicidal. very very. once i got off freeway i wanted to get out of the car and kill myself. i dont know.


12:30~ unpacked everything fly on me freaked out. apple fell. scared. take into house. dirty.


i go put food away and paint stuff in my room. go feed sourdough starter. food ok. mimi say hi.


everything fit ok in. fridge. go bathroom sweep. dirty so dirty. fix it. clean it.

then everything dirty i clean sink toilet scrub hard. just paper towels but lot of them. dust dust dust. its cuz sam is gone now i need dust gone. floor is so dirty but its just a dirty old bathroom i can do my best to clean it but its never enough always dirty


i clean toilet im on ground scrubbing around toilet with paper towels. milner say hi ask how im doing i say ok


i wash hands refill soap wash again go pee wipe toilet seat flush wash hands brush teeth and organize toiletries wash hands put on testosterone wash hands take bag leave go to room


i did all the normal slipper changes i take off slipper go into room organize room so dirty its so dirty dirty bad bad bad dust dirt everywhere no space for paint stuff so scared try and organizw but dirty sanirize 16 times cant resist try and pick up but constantly sanitizing i change clothes. idk how to shower all my towels are dirty everything dirty cant touch. so messy tech all over desk so scared megan please let me clean so stresswd want to die suicidal suicidal


1:29 want to kill myself overdose choke myself on handle of door but people will find me but i need to end it now. need to gone. cant do it so scared. so scared. i miss bo i want to be back with bo why did i come back i cam back for therapy i was doinf so well at home i was doinf so well i cleaned ate breakfast made dinner did work then i go to trader joes so bad made it so bad cried in parking lot so scary scary scary scary scary cryinf now remembering cashier wanted to kill me the workers everyone wanted to kill me so scared got food to cook bur now so scared idk if i can cook so scared im so scared i cant do this i cant do this i cant do this i cant do this

what if i atgwmlted attempt what if i attempt right now do you think it would work if i choke myself on door handle would it work would it oe do i take all my zoloft at once i want to go i want ro die but i wont do it i promise i wonr do it but i sont want to be alive but i wont do it i swear i wont ill stay alivw i promise i promiswd so many people ill stay alive and i cant break promises i cant break them i cant i cant be a burden if i die im a huge burden huge burden i need to find a job i need to get better i have to get better or else ill die if i die i cant do this i think i cant i dont jnow i dont know i cant i dont know dont know i dont know i dont know i sofndnndmdmdndjsjjsjwxm wr cetcwcqrlcqrlctwclqrvwtlc


so stressed stresswd streased i dont know what to do i dont jnow what to do fonna play more sims gonna play play play play

1:34 crying hard crying hadd scared scared feel alone. came back to feel less alone with roommates i want bo i miss bo whefe is my dog where is he where is he i need jim im not safe without him i need him by my side plwase pleE


1:36 calmer. im too scared to touch anything rn and too scared to sleep. my fitbit needs to charhw but i cant leave my bed or turn on my light. i have to figure this out. i refuse to put on gloves again. i cannot take steps backwards


1:37 i have an exam today. fuck. im so tired. so tired. sims


3:41 got to my sim dying. doing epilogue of the rest of the time with the other sims. everyone desd except milnnmr

3:42 set alarms goodnugt


8:00 good morning ! i check mail, messages, instagram

8:10 i get out of bed. i have to poop reallt bad. i put on slippers and walk outside and change slippers close door and sit down on toilet ( ive stopped writing down me closing the door because i do it with my bare hands now and without thinking - if i dont think abt a step rn i describe it less !)

8:11 i go #1 and 2

8:13 check obey me


8:18 catch up on obey me get up wipe flush. go wash hands

8:19 brush teeth

8:21 finish wash face. exit bathroom change slippers

8:22 mimi is out there eating. she says hi and if i felt the earthquake. i did feel the earthquake and only now remember. i also realized that i don’t remember my dream. i had one earlier on in the night but it faded away

8:23 i wash my pink water cup

8:24 i grab the apple that fell (it got a tiny crack and i want to clean it and eat it before it goes bad) and i wash it. i put it on a paper towel and get monterey jack cheese from the fridge and cut up a few slices. i wash the knife

8:27 mimi talks about getting water jugs just in case of another earthquake. she’s worried she’s paranoid but i think it’s a good idea just in general. i go back to my room

8:28 i set my paper towel down on my desk and i grab my orange water glass go outside fill it with water come back. i set it down take off slippers go to dresser put on face oil

8:29 i come back to my bed and make it. i open my laptop and chew on my apple as i fill out the exposure logs

8:31 i join group

8:43 we finish check-in. the he / they called on me >:)

check in:

what i did for hw was shop, sweep, pool, shower, ipad

didn’t shower cuz the pool situation didn’t allow for it and i’m going to try touching my ipad this morning

goals are to get trials done, touch my ipad, and finish sims for my thesis. i change ipad to take my exam

(ln means weekend in this case)

depression 2 ln 5

avoidance 3 ln 6

rumination 4 ln 5

self harm thoughts 0 ln 4

homicidal thoughs 0 ln 0

trader joes made these higher than a 4

eat dinner yes

brush teeh yes

shower no last time thusday

breakfast yes

slept 3 hours 47 minutes and slept ok

sanitizing ban by the time i went to be i submitted 18 times and resisted 0. i only stopped cuz i was on my bed avoiding touching anything

suicidal thoughts 2 last night 5

anxiety 2 last night 5


should i make my own paranoia option ?


8:44 i eat more of my apple and go to plug my fitbit in. that’s when I check my sleep. i go back to my bed urge to sanitize and write out my morning

8:45 i check my email. megan says she will have a new shadow starting today. i email back that it sounds good and I’ll see her later. i go back to typing

8:56 finish writing check in. urge. don’t want to do exposures. gonna do a bad thing and do retrain ocd and then only do a few


8:54 i fart

9:07 finish retrain gonna do tech. fart


9:13 finish tech.  1 1 1

9:16 i fart. one mlre tech

9:29 finish 2 0 1


9:20 i take my apple core and paper towel and change slippers and go outside and throw it away. mimi is in the living room painting her self portrait. i go back to my room take off slippers and get on my bed and text mama about the eartquakes

9:21 i fill in my exposures and join meeting

9:36 finish meeting. just went over my weekend and sunday. megan said to remember that a lot of my ocd symptoms yesterday were caused by me going to trader joes

9:39 i email thomas about studio visits cuz david from visitor welcome center emailed me back and wants to see my show in person.

9:45 i fill out the form Micol sent me for my talk on april 20th and i send it back

9:46 i fart and send a follow up email because Iforgot to specify time. i fart again

9:47 gonna sims until 10 to calm down. nvm gonna do some exposures outside my room and then makeup

9:53 lied again. gonna do tech and sims in between



9:48 start tech

9:52 finish 2 0 0

9:56 start tech

9:58 announce i wanna kill myself

10:00 finish 1 0 0. sims

10:03 tech

10:07 finish 2 0 0 urge. sims

10:10 pause sims. gonna take laptop outsjde and do more exposures

10:12 i put on slippers turn off my light and go outside. mimi added cad red light as her bg and i go oooooooo. she asks if its ok and i say its epic

10:13 i walk up and look closer. i say its good she chose a warm tone because a cool tone would have made her look sickly. she laughs

10:14 fridge

10:17 finish 2 2 1. three urges. sims

10:18 i scratch my butt

10:21 fridge

10:22 fart

10:24 finish 2 1 1. eight urges

10:28 gonna try dishwarw

10:31 finish. 5 6 6 fourteen urges. one more

10:35 milner manages to survive with three hours til death cuz they shut off the power. looks like they live for three more days confirmed. this always happens. start dish again

10:39 finish 5 4 3 six urges one more. stretch my leg on counter. urge

10:41 urge. laptop batter running low goinf vack to room. i check insta

10:43 i get up take my laptop back to my room take off slippers and set it to charge. three urges and i sanitize

10:44 i take my risperdal and finish my water by my bed

10:46 start to update wxposures. urge urge

10:47 join meeting

10:51 leave. megan is glad im doing the dishware. it’s an important one. urge. gonna play sims til 11

10:54 i fart

11:00 ok back outside to do more exposurss

11:01 i fart and take my laptop outside. i check instagram. panteha’s instagram takeover isn’t that good

11:02 fridge

11:05 end. 4 4 3. seven urges

11:08 pause sims dishware

11:12 finish 5 5 4. urge when finished. back to sims. urge

11:17 dishes again

11:20 finish 4 5 4 three urges during three rn after. sims

11:24  fridge

11:27 finish 5 5 5 16 urges. urge.

11:28 i go to my room take my laptop take off my slippers. i sanitize twice then get on my bed and plug in my laptop. urge. gonna play mkre sims. urge

11:56 i fart. playing the sims still. didnt eat. might go use bathroom before group


11:58 i put on slippers run outside to get bread and cut a slice. i cut another slice and cut it in half and put it in the toaster

12:00 i realize the time and i turn off the toaster and grab my first slice of bed and run to my room take off slippers

12:02 i enter group. i see a spider on my bed and freak out. i don’t have a tissue by me but i grab a receipt and squash it. the guts get on my bed. i want to cry. seven urges. i feel spiders on my skin

12:05 very vivid tactile hallucination

12:06 one of the guys in group is going on a major rant about vegans. i love it. the vegan in the group who has been very quiet and polite and just laughs. i havent seen her smile before i love it

12:08 the group is about values

12:29 someone yanks at my door but doesn’t come in. terrified

1:01 we end. it was a good group. chad’s last day is no longer today but wednesday. we all respect him so much. gonna go eat bread

1:03 i put on slippers go outside with my laptop. i put a slice back in the toaster and eat another slice plain.

1:04 update exposure logs

1:06 my toast is ready and i slice butter and spread it on it. it’s so good. i eat while standing up by the counter

1:09 i put in a

1:14 four urges to sanitize

1:15 join meeting urge

1:21 end meeting gonna finish dishware and fridge


1:26 catch up on obey me. start dish

1:29 finish. scratch butt wipe down counter. 5 4 5. three urges

1:31 start sims. three urges

1:33 start fridge

1:36 finish 5 4 4. four urges. text roommates pic of dirty stove and ask once again for them to clean it when they cook.

1:39 fridge

1:43 finish. 5 4 2. trying to stay mindful but hard now that im mad at my roommates again

1:46 shower handle time

1:50 finish 4 3 3. had to walk out to kitchen cuz mimi doinf laundry made it hard to focus. four urges

11:54 five urges. back to shower. been playing sims in between

1:58 finish. 5 4 3. nine urges. gonna go back to room and fill oht check ou

1:59 take my laptop back to my room take off slippers sanitize plug it in get on my bed

2:01 join group urge

2:08 leave group. gonna play sims then finish exposures

(10:18 me) check out:

for work today i did exposures and retrain ocd. i didnt get all of them done but i am working on showing myself compassion !

depression 2

avoidance 2

rumination 1

self harm thoughts 0

homicidal thoughts 0

hw is touching technology and finishing exposures

suicidal ideation 1

anxiety 3

(10:20 me is calculating sanitizing rn)

(10:24 me:)

114 resist 2 submit sanitizing ban

(10:25 me says bye ! )

3:00 i scratch mt back. elisa texts me abt cominf over to print stickers. she might be a bit latw i say thats fine

3:18 i pick my nose and keep playing the sims

3:26 elisa texts that she’s on her way

3:35 elisa arrives. i hear her knocking and i put on a mask and slippers and come outside. she calls me as i open the door

4:12 she leaves. i go back to my room take off my mask and slippers plug in my phone and start finishing up the sims. i might make nuggets next but i want to finish sims first.

4:13 i go back into my room take off slippers take off mask two urges.

4:14 throw blanket over my shoulders get comfy. final push and then im DONE

5:10 i finish. im gonna fix reigen’s sim quickly then study for the exam

6:00 i downloaded so many new mods. ok im gonna get up stretch read through chapters then take test


6:02 i go out to the kitchen put on slippers

6:10 makimg frozem gnocchi sanitize three times. sanitize bowl. one bowl is cracked i put it in recycle. i cover bowl with paper towel microwave might move it to pot or tupperware to eat.

6:11 sanitize

6:19 sanitize twice start watinf. bowl is heated up so its ok

7:30 finish my test got an 86 without reading the book i need a 72 or higher on the final to pass the class. easy. tired stressed. gonna gesso

7:35~ finish gessoing new layer then go to my room. i decide to try touching my ipad and i plug it in to charge and i open up procreate and draw some more on an old drawing of mine

8:11 post photo of my doodle to my finsta. its not amazing but i do like it

8:15 i decide to do poses for me to draw later. i take off my clothes and curl up into a ball and take some videos in diff poses

8:24 i stop the video and screenshot

8:30 i stop and get on my bed grab my sketchbook and practice drawing sexy tommy trojan and traveler.

9:17 i send photos of the usc sexy traveler girl i was drawing to the slack. my next goal is to make sexy nonbinary tirebiter

9:20 i leave slack and go out of my room put on slippers and sand down my canvas and do another layer of gesso i then check my phone and go on instagram

at 9:30 i realize ace texted me about playing v3 and i didnt respond. i text back and we decide it’s too late so we will play tomorrow.

9:41 stop texting that took several minutes then i went on instagram

9:42 i text nat abt some racist shit a white boy did. he made a hentai themed audio plugin which is so tone deaf. we talk and i tell nat theyre not oversensitive and that it really truly is a harmful stereotype he’s exploiting

9:58 checked mail came to notes

10:13 i finish piecing together the past few hours. i wasnt rlly on mt phone for a lot of it so i had to try and remember brief moments where i did use my phone to get an accurate timeline

10:14 gonna go back and write down my check out form before i reset the document

10:18 i send off an email to thomas and zone out. ok check out form

10:25 i calculate all my sanitizing bans ans write that down too

10:29 i clean up and save the check in and out form. i need to do exposures

10:33 on insta need to update exposurss first

nvm i did already. i have 3 shower 5 washinf machine lets do this

10:35. go into bathroom dont change slippers

10:36 washinf machine

10:39 finish 3 2 3

10:42 again

10:45 4 5 3 zoned out. oops. thinning my hair. didnt like how it looked today on camera

10:48 urge. showrr

10:51 finish 4 3 3. three urges. clean up hair. sanirize

10:55 one last layer of gesso. urge. washing machine

10:59 finish. 5 4 4. so tired but urges there. four. one mkre. one more

11:00 was on instagram. closed both door to bathroom lifted lid sat down peed. five urges

11:02 get up flush wash hands. shiwer

11:06 finish 4 3 3. the bathroom smells bad. four urges. gonna brush teeth

11:09 finish brushing teeth. wipe more hair off sink. six urges.

11:10 wm

11:13 finish 4 3 2. four urges once i touch my phone. gonna floss

11:16 finish flossing and put it back in the cabinet. wash hands. seven urges.

11:17 wm

11:20 finish 4 3 3. three urges

11:22 check obey me. fart

11:24 put on testosterone. last shower

11:27 finish seven urges sanirize 4 3 4.

11:28 i go tap my gesso but its not dry yet. urge. i get water

11:29 i go wash the knife from my bread slicing today.  i wash my hands ritual for one count of ten each step

11:30 i feed my sourdough starter

11:31 i wash my spoon. there’s something hanging from the faucet and i knock it off. freak out urge. i wash the spoon again. then i wash a spoon that wasn’t mine but was in the sink

11:34 sanitize, wipe down counter, then sanitize again

11:35 write it down

11:37 my hands hurt so bad. they are not going to fall off. they are not going to fall off. i remain calm. gonna get more watwr

11:38 drink it all urge. i remember the spider i killed. i feel spiders all over me now. i go look at mimi’s painting setup. i realize i forgot my palette knives. i might drive home tomorrow to get them and to look for my palette paper

11:40 nvm found one in my painting bucket. i dont know where i have palette paper but i migjt just do the plastic wrap trick like usualt

11:41 i go to my canvas. not dry yet. gonna take my meds and come back

11:48 been on instagram. made a post about how i feel like shit and want to go on a date with someone and watch venom (2018). if anyone reading this would like to watch venom (2018) with me let me know. for someone with so many friends that used to have crushes on it i sure am lonely as hell. why do people think im unattainable im literally right here. ive always been here. i dont get it i feel so silly