12:26 didnt tally bans its ok tomorrow. played wordscaoss gonna do obey me then sleep

12:29 ok done with obey me set alarms goodnight. feel fat. increase risperdal dose feels shitty not physically but just sad we keep upping my dose


8:12 mornint !! i had a dream but cant remember. wish it was weekend cuz i woulf probably remember better. i check instagram. i need to get up

8:17 been on instagram. how tf am i gonna track sanitizing jf its on three diff devices

8:23 catch up on obey me. ok gotta get up im just so comfy

8:26 get up put on slippers go to bathroom change slippers sit down pee


8:27 get up wipe seat flush wash hands brush teeth

8:29 finish wash face decide to put on contacts

8:31 finish and change slippers go to my room take off slippers put on a new shirt. ran out of pj shirts so i’m using normal shirts now lmao

8:32 get on my bed three urges. takes a bit for teams to load

8:33 join group. brooke is back ! she’s in iop now i missed her

8:42 leave group check in:

last night i practiced using my ipad, using my laptop, doing exposures, i pushed myself with my laptop and am having trouble following my own rules

goals are to finish trials, use a stove for cooking again like last night, and video edit more and use my ipad to track trials today

depression 1 ln 2

avoidance 1 ln 3

rumination 2 ln 4

suicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time the 1st

breakfast no

slept 7.5 hrs which is the most ive gotten in a while, sleep score was 82 (checked fitbit during group)

suicidal ideathion 0 ln 1

anxiety 1 ln 4

8:46 gonna start to do exposures again !

8:47 finish typing down my day. maybe today i’ll try hard and it’ll be the day i use. it just feels right. this is the day. i’m going to pay extra close attention to everything rn and we’ll see what happens. I can’t match everything up cuz my sim’s day was sunday BUT maybe idk. it’s gonna be today my gut tells me so. ok. urge

8:49 get up make my bed switching to ipad for notes

8:50 there was something slimy on me. three urges freaking out idk what it is i didn’t pick my nose or anything


8:52 ingot up and made my bed. start tech

8:55 finish. during 2 hands on face 1 after habituation 0. i touched keyboard, ps controller, speaker and sat on my desk chair for habituation. might do makeup in between exposures today

8:58 put on concealer. tech again

9:03 touched speaker, charging cables, snd ps controller and sat at desk. farted once. during 1 hands on face 1 after habituation 2. i want to get my numbers down so bad so i have an easier time video editing without the tech around

9:04 start eyeshadow

9:06 halfway thru one eye tech again

9:10 finish. did speaker, harddrive and mouse in a handful, and microphone. sat at desk. 0 0 1. three urges afterwards. back to eyeshadow

9:13 almost done with eyeshadow. sit at other side of desk. tech time

9:27 finish touched speaker, controller, mouse and cables. 0 1 0. nice. back to eyeshadow

9:20 i map my eyeliner out with shadow. i get on my bed and switch to laptop


9:21 on laptop now. join meeting with mega

9:26 end meeting. just talked a bit about a mini headache i’m having and i’m not sure if it’s the risperdal dosage increasing or not but whatever i’ll be fine. i talk abt how using my laptop in front of all my tech on my desk was a bigger exposure but it helped my habituation today as well !

9:27 switching to ipad


9:28 on ipad. fart. reigen is my lock screen n he looks so fine. im insufferable.

9:29 tech. get off bed head over

9:30 start

9:34 finish

during 0

hands on face 0

after habituation 0. wooooooooo. back to eyeliner

9:37 finish one eye halfway thru thenother one more tech

9:41 finish tech touched speaker mic and desktop monitor. 0 1 0.

9:42 makeup

9:44 my alarm rings give myself three more min to finish face

9:48 ok have to go do more will come back for face. leave room put on slippers

9:49 enter kitchen   mimi is eating banana and yogurt. we talk about wellness day and how neither of us get a free day. ok touch fridge shelves

9:52 finidh. stopped timer early cuz i forgot to start it in the beginnign lmao. 1 0 1. back in room took off slippers makeup time

9:56 alarm rings take an extra min to finish tweezing my eyebrows.

9:57 put on slippers go outside to kitchen. mimi still eating. walk to counter touch dish fifteen seconds

10:00 finish. 3 2 4. i noticed the dust on the blender next to me and if freaked me out. seven urges to sanitize

10:01 back in room take off slippers

10:04 putting white on my eyebrows. knocked a brush to the ground pick it up two urges. put on slippers go to kitchem back to fridge. mimi’s and my not wendy / sam / milner

10:08 finish 2 3 1. nice. the table has a bunch of crumbs on it soninset my piad down on a coaster to protect it

10:09 i fart. it might be the trader joes soup dumplings from yesterday.

10:10 take of slippers back innroom tonfinish eyebrow. sit at makeup half of desk. finish eyebrow contour nose

10:12 put on slippers go outside kitchen

10:13 go to counter dish

10:15 finish 3. 2 3   brushed against cabinet while habituating gor four urges and one more as imtype this

10:17 back to room take off slippers finish makeup sit at desk. comtiur face start lips

10:21 stop to go do fridge again put on slippers go to kitchen

10:25 finish 3 2 0. put ipad on coaster on table go to room take off slippers desk makeup

10:28 finish makeup finished lips and didnhighlighetr. just mascara left

10:29 go to be sit down update exposures on laptop

10:33 finish updating. urge urge urge. ok gotta go do more gomna check my meeting time. check my mail i meet megan at 10:45.

10:34 put on slippers emter kitchen fridge

10:37 finish 1 0 0. yawned n said ugly compulsively five times. five urges. also earlier i compulsively said i wanted to kill myself but cant remember when

20:38 eneter room take off slippers type it down

10:39 mascara time

10:41 finish mascara decided to keep it white. put on slippers go outside to counter

10:42 dish

10:45 finish 3 2 3 four urges cuz i bumped cabinet. walk back to room take off slippers sanitize


10:46 got on bed on laptop now updating exposure

10:47 join meeting

10:49 we hang up. just sayingeverything’s chill. no news is good news she says. paranoia is also chill today too. maybe upping risperdal helped. gonna do mascara black cuz i dont like white on the webcam


10:53 officially finish makrup did mascara and dots on eyes. gonna donjewelry then back tomexposures

11:02 did earrings redid parts of eyeshadows and lips to matvh the red

11:03 went to dresser put on choker go tomdoormput on slippers go outside. mimi is swatting at a bug in the living room.

11:04 go to counter dish

11:07 finish 3 2 2 three urges. ended up chatting with mimi so i was distracted but its ok. shes gonna focus on her hair today. we talk about how her hair looks really nife today and ways ti give it volume on a regular basis. i say sea salt spray and when i was with long hair i would braid it at night so it was more evenly wavy the next day.

11:09 grab a banana from the top shelf of the counter and start eating.

11:10 peel it and throw the end away in the black trash can. urge

11:11 pause eating one more dish

11:14 finish 3 2 3. looked over the counter snd watched mimi paint in the living room. it calmed me down. the dish will not kill me. three urges

11:15 panicked after typing that. the dish will definitely kill me. resume eating banana

11:16 theres a knock at the door. he says amazon. i wait a second and then go to open the front door. its a box. i say thank you to the guy who’s at his truck by now. i take it to the kitchen  and open it. its my leggings vitamin d and steamer. mimi asks what i got and i tell her and say that a bamboo steamer is for making dumplings mainly

11:17  i put box by entryway then go wash hands at sink. i notice the dirt on the ledge from wendy’s plants and the stains on the edge of the sink snd i panic only was five seconds before i have to leave i dry hands with paper towel timer goes off back to ipad typing down

11:19 finish typing gonna finish banana and then fridge. four urges

11:20 finish banana throw it away go to room dont take off slippers sanitize go back out type more.

11:22 finish typing fridge time

11:26 finish.  3 2 1. sat at table ipad on coaster. fart. got distracted during habituation thinking of augustina’s paintings and the horse she did a while ago. it was beautiful. she’s a genius. i admire her so so so much trying not to be a straggot rn

11:29 go to room dont take off slippers grab water glass from desk go to my fridge get water grab vitamin d take it to room take off slippers. open the package one falls out on the ground cant find it. three urges.

11:30 my alarm rings from my ipad out on the kitchen table in a race to find the right risperdal pills and i say sorry to mimi. i take .5mg and go outside put on slippers

11:31 turn off alarm type

11:32 i finish typing. gonna do one shower one washing machine

11:33 go into bathroom change slippers. open shower touch shower handle 15 sec

11:37 finish 2 2 2 four urges. i had closed the toilet lid n sat on it while habituating

11:38 go back fix typos i spot in my notes. go back to kitchen change slippers gonna put away clean dishes

11:40 timer rings almost finished all dishes fifteen urges. another another another. gonna do washing machine go to bathroom change slippers walk through to laundry room. messed up put wrong slippers on wrong foot but i pause and fix in bathroom

11:41 touch washing machine fifteen seconds

11:45 finish. 3 2 1. four urges two more after. gonna take a break cuz it’s technically lunchtime. go through bathroom change slippers go to kitchen

11:46 i get a tupperware not a bowl cuz tupperware is safe i grab spring mix goat cheese and blueberries from my fridge. open spring mix put some in tupperware a lesf falls onto stove i put it in dish. i use my fork to get some goat cheese on my salad. i grab grey poupon from my fridge and get a shotglass and mix it with oil snd balsamic to make a quick vinaigrette. i put some blueberries on

11:52 i wipe down the counter. i got goat cheese on the ipad so i wipe that down too. i wash hands for ten seconds at kitchen sink and dont run away i use paper towel

11:53 i wipe down table i wash hands again ten seconds. inthrow away paper towels go to room dont take off slippers sanitize come back bring salad to table sit dosn type

11:57 start eating


12:00 i finish and i put my tupperware by sink and run to bathroom dont change slippers i wipe at the corners of my mouth. luckily lipstick not messed up

12:01 i run to my room take off slippers smile in my mirror i use to do my makeup and i use my tongue to get salad off my teeth. i close my door run to my bed get on and join group. it’s a small group today

12:05 we are playing kahoot. i get my phone ready


the thought: the kitchen sink is dirty and will kill me if i use it

defense: lmao idk. there’s germs in the dirts and flecks of food on the sink. wait this is so hard to type down. tryin to calm down. ok so. the food will get more dirty as time goes on and will spoil. the water touches the faucet as it leaves so if the faucet is dirty, then some will get in the water

prosecution: im not actually touching the food and most of it is probably water stains or mineral build up. the dirt on the ledge is from wendy’s plants and is not on the sink. i am not touching the faucet. the water is not touching the outside of the faucet. i have touched the sink and have practiced touching the bathroom sink before and it has been ok

verdict : it will suck but i wont die


12:40~ i get told that me checking my pulse during intense panic attacks is a compulsion. i disagree with everyone but stay quiet, but that’s just cuz people put their hand on their chest when they mindfully breathe and i use my pulse as a counter for when i do deep breathing and i ONLY do it if i’m near psychotic to keep myself from going over the edge. it’s not that i’m worried I’ll die if i don’t do it. but maybe i’m wrong. i’m just gonna stop telling people about it lmao and i only do it in extreme circumstances anyways like when its Bad bad

12:48 i write down the thoughts on trial worksheet in my notes app on the phone. the neighbors are arguing and it’s really distractig. i cant underestand all the words but there is a lot of yelling.

12:50 they ae really yelliner now i thik its two guys ?

1:01 finish group. i spent a lot of time looking at myself in photobooth to avoid looking at the people in group. for some reason it was scary today

it’s chad’s last day and we are all going to miss him. he has really wonderful advice and insight and feels like such a father figure to the whole group. he’s been the rock and it will be weird without him

eli’s last full day is tomorrow but she will still be in group for iop !

1:04 finish typing stuff down gonna do to two exposures before seeing megan. switching to ipad gonna get up put on slippers go to bathroom


1:05 went to bathroom change slippers. pass by mimi and milner eating at the kitchen table in the hallway. sam and wendy are still at yosemite

1:06 i need four of each. start shower

1:10 finish 3 1 1 only gonna do two min break so i can fit in wm

1:11 start

1:14 finish 321 two urges

1:15 exit bathroom change slippers. mimi milner r gone from table. turn off light go to room close door take off slippers four urges

1:16 on bed update logs three urges


1:17 join megan’s call

1:26 we end. doing the rest of my exposures for hw / until check-out group. hw is to make something on the stove and eat it on a plate. gonna switch from touching technology to touching the inside of the microwave tomorrow. also have to work on thesis for one hour but i Must take one break.

1:28 finish writing down ok gonna go update rest of exposures

1:30 finish updating gonna take a break and check obey me then do exposures


1:31 caught up on obey me. text schelsey. rain check on studio visit gonna do it after the 16th. i say it’ll work out since my thesis will be installed by then !

1:32 text cummies group about drinking games for Ma. i heart react to a text spencer sent earlier

1:33 text reanna about mob psycho 100. they are using it as inspiration for a glass painting animation for a final in their class. we talk abt the animation

1:36 text mimi about shakira and prince royce. deja vu is such a good song. finish catching up on obey me and texts will detail it later ok go to bathroom last push

1:37 enter change slippers shower

1:40 finish 3 2 1. two urges one more. gonna do two min breaks lmao cuz i wanna be done. tired for the day lotta hw to do

1:42 go to laundry room wm

1:45 done 3 1 0. fuck it go again asap

1:48 finish 2 1 2. i love azealia banks. had to google to make sure i spelled her name right

1:50 last wm

1:53 done 2 1 2 again. change slippers go to room four urges. want to tally sanitizing today

1:54 enter room take off slippers sanitize go close door get on bed will do last two shower after group


2:00 join check out didn’t finish tracking sanitizing but will do rn

2:08 finish xheck out. robert and amelia enjoyed my makeup but i don’t do it for compliments and i really dont like it when people compliment lmao. i can look at myself but no one else is allowed to look at me. except travis. it’s the he / they energy.

2:12 finish tallying ban

check out:

today i worked on exposures mainly = shower, washing machine, fridge, technology, dishware.

i think i did make progress ! much less paranoia

depression 0 avoidance 2 rumination 3

self harm thoughts 0

homicidal thoughts 0

homework is finish exposures, work on thesis, amek food and eat using a dish, take a break while working

sanitizing ban: submit 2 resist 91

suicidal ideation 1

anxiety 2

2:13 finish writing check out. need to do last two showers


2:33 did a lin manuel miranda posting spree on mentos.illness. we immediately lost a follower. gonna go back now and fill in details of text convos

2:39 update ipad note with texts convos

2:43 was on instagram still am gonna take selfies im cute !! go to desk fix makeup

2:40 i take selfies for my private. my face looks fat and i hate it

2:46 i start taking selfies for my main. i save two to my camera roll

3:01 ive been taking videos trying to get one where i look hot the whole time. i keep trying but my hair will look weird from an angle or my small chin makes itself apparent or my face looks fat. it’s hard work pretending to be attractive. i also have to hide my breasts and because i wear big shirts it makes me look even more overweight qnd i want people to think im really skinny still. meds making me gain weight i feel fat and ugly all the time

3:03 a selfie to show off my eyeliner

3:05 a selfie with a red eye filter. i’m avoiding exposures

3:10 posting to finsta

3:14 posted something abt wanting to dye my hair white and black when it grows out but deleted it

3:15 posted about people complimenting my makeup today but not travis lmao. its transphobic of him to not be in love with me at all times

3:16 i check my mail and look at the list of people for the symposium. there’s only six people in the arts and architecture category. i hope i get at least second place lmao

3:18 i text back ace. they ask if im the one that posted all the lin manuel and i say yes. they do not appreciate it.

3:19 i text spencer a meme i saw on instagram about nonbinary people because the stereotype looks just like them

3:21 i post a question asking if im ugly to mentos but only a few have seen my face. jexipads says im hot cuz im a meme account i say thank you for lying

3:26 ace sends me a socratic seminar meme about morality and murder. it’s a bunch of anime characters and hank green. we discuss. we decide saiki k would have the most insane things to say

3:27 textinf spencer about my tiny braids and i send progress pics

3:28 go on insta get off again. i type down the past hour or so

3:39 spam risk i dont answer

3:41 finish typing. this is so tiring usually i’m more casual but today is The day so i’m going to expend my energy for today !!!

3:42 Julián sends me a remix of kimi raikkonen’s interviews. someone then made a rap for it and does some verses. it’s insane.

3:43 spencer texts askinf about having a venom friend date i am So Excited

3:44 gia texts mentos asking what the fuck is going on with the lin posts. i apologize

3:45 i text sam that there are only six people in the scymposium for arts. gia texts back that she loves the lin posts. hell yeah

3:46 the kimi raikkonen song ends. love it. i have a splitting headache from my contacts lmao

3:47 look in mirror. im not Fat but ive been skinnier and i know it. i only want to see myself naked if my stomach is flat and my hips r less wide. i hope T helps me lose weight again because increasing the risperdal is gonna make me gain even more weight

3:48 i put on slippers go to my bathroom change slippers

3:49 i go #1 and 2. just assume i close doors im not writing that down every time lmao. i used to write it down when it had a compulsion attached but once it got better i stopped

3:50 google risperdal and weight gain

3:53 stop googling. makes me sad

3:54 check messages. text Julián abt the song text sam abt scymposium. i tell sam if i don’t get second place at least then i’ll commit arson

3:57 get up wipe fush wash hands i open door and mimi is right there getting coffee st the counter by the bathroom. she says hello and that she’s getting her second dose. i joke and say it’s her medication. milner is out standing in the kitchen too. they say they want to be prescribed caffeine so their insurance will cover it.

3:58 i take my package of white leggingd to my room place it on my desk. i come back outside i say it probably wouldn’t be covered by insurance since caffeine pills r over the counter. milner laughs

3:59 i go back to my room take off slippers. i get two tylenol and put then in my mouth then go get water glass from side of bed go outside put on slippers. i get water and take the tylenol

4:00 i drink some water and then wash my dishes from lunch. three urges. i wash my hands for a full ten seconds snd dont run away and use the kitchen towel to dry them.

4:01 i grab my sourdough starter and feed it

4:04 i finish. i go get more water then sit down on grey couch in living room drink water and type

4:06 head hurts so bad get up take water go to room take off slippers

4:07 in bed laying down. gonna retrace the minutes before rn

4:13 finish typing. check texts. i text back Julián and sam same convo from earlier. i tell spencer im free next week for venom friend date.

4:14 mimi sent me a somg to listen to. ill listen to it later. i send her the kimi raikkonen rap

4:15 gonna try n nap n be off my phone

6:16 hello !!! many small dreams. heart racing. got a political call rn according to caller id i hang up


dreams:

there was stuff that happened but my first memory is of me takinf a nap i was doing irl. i hear something and get up. there was someone at my door. kon comes in and throws me a really fat fanfiction book. there’s so many characters on the cover


6:18 check voicemail but its just spam back to dream:

characters on the cover and a long ass title that was very striking to me but i can no longer remember.

6:19 ( just writing down the time as i type ) kon leave my room wnd i go out to try and get him but they go into their room and close the door.  it’s the hallway of my house except there is a room between wendy’s room and mine

6:20 and kon goes into that one. ace is in mimi’s room down the hall and i see them walk in there.

6:21 just remembered that kon walked into my room cuz was talking about my headache and they said they were also feeling bad from the vaccine then they threw the book at me and left

6:22 i hear ace’s voice and i turn my head to face the entryway and there they are. they lower their arm and they are shirtless. i dont remember well what happened i think i went back into my room

6:23 a new dream i had left the house and was parking a black car it looked like jamie’s car but was a bit more new. i’m parallel parking it and i go outside to push it to fit in the guides cuz i drove forward a bit too much

6:24 my phone enters low power mode i keep typing. i looked outside and there’s a really buff walugi like 7ft tall massive with black short sleeves on and a black and white strapped bandana on his head. he is staring at me and breathing heavily

6:25 i say to him why don’t you go find princess peach. then there’s a random vision of him chasing not peach but daisy and grabbing her. he’s turned on and leaves

6:26 i dont think about the characters anymore but i masturbated while half asleep i think of an older fat ugly guy fucking a younger woman again

6:27 then i fell back asleep i had another dream it was an image of myself in the passenger seat of the car holding a giant embryo to my forehead. then cut to a screenshot of a tweet with a white girl that looks like chloe grace-moretz in a reaction image.

6:28 she’s at a press conference and is looking at someone with an amused “ are you kidding me “ face. the caption says

6:29 something like “ officiate educational student back in ( something something i dont remember” and then there’s a quote tweet that says “ is this what i deserve ? to be here ?” and then that dream ends

6:30 there was another few dreams that happened after but they are hard for me to remember rn. i heard a thump at my door at one point very vividly idk if that actually happened. the other dreams are lost

6:31 i rlly can’t remember them. i think one was about a jungle level in a platforming game but any details beyond that r gone. wish i remembered. i check fitbit

6:32 fitbit said i slept for an hr 54 minutes. too little sleep to analyze. looks like i rlly did fall asleep right as i typed

6:34 mimi and milner are talking in the hallway. mimi comes to my door and asks if i want to go on a drive with the two of them. i say yes just let me get on non-pajama pants. mimi’s in her workout clothes and says she just finished working out. i plug my phone in to charge

6:35 i go on instagram and look at my story and at mentos.illness. my brother posted a bunch new heteroflexible memes. i love it. i watch my selfies a few times. augustina hasn’t watched my finsta stories yet idk why i want her to since i’m just more feminine and probably less attractive to her since she’s used to cis guys

6:38 i respond to ulu’s compliments of my selfies. i check my main’s story and augustina hasn’t viewed but peter has. i feel so powerful

6:42 was vibing on insta when i hear milner say they are ready. i say let me put on pants and i get up. milner says the have to pee and head down the hall. i sanitize my hands and put on pants and put on slippers and head outside

6:43 i change from slippers to shoes at the end of the hallway and we wait for mimi to put on her shoes.

6:44 we head outside through the back hallway door to mimi’s car. milner asks whose chocolates are out there and i realize that’s where my fucking chocolates went. i grab a russel chocolate and eat it

6:46 mimi unlocks the car and i go into the backseat. mimi has a more constrictive-looking white surgical mask and says its uncomfy as hell

6:47 mimi says gnats are in her car. tactile hallucinations now lmao

6:48 mimi turns on the car and we exit out the back gate. she’s playing jesse’s girl

6:49 mimi goes to reverse out of the alley but there’s a car parked to the side. she tries to go but it’s too tight for her. she decides she has to go down the long bumpy way. i don’t mind but milner has to by careful cuz they have a mug of something. is it coffee ? idk

6:51 we turn onto vermont and i kissed a girl by katy perry comes on

6:54 telephone plays and we wait for the light to turn on for the 10 west

6:55 we get on the freeway. i love hearing mimi get mad at the other drivers. i love LA drivers

6:58 i catch up typing. maluma playing. gonna relax

7:00 i wish i was skinner so i could dance sexy again and not feel like a whale. i miss dancing sexy at parties with friends. i need to go dancing asap. go to a fucking warehouse party too. just get outside. mimi comments that she’s become a speed demon on the road and i laugh. me too

7:01 more maluma. my head is blissfully empty. i trust mimi’s driving. no intrusive thoughts

7:02 thinking about seeing augustina irl. so exciting.

7:03 if i look at the road too much intrusive thoughts. cqn’t look at the cars on the road or else my paranoia grows that they are following me

7:04 paranoia bad but its only like a 5. haven’t had it all day goddamnit

7:05 i wanna dance with somebody plays. very fitting. mimi opens her sunroof. we are on pch

7:08 mimi says it smells like socks and she’s right

7:10 prince plays. it’s 7. so good

7:11 i scratch my sternum

7:12 i check my mail. a few emails from usc but nothing important just update on symposium on monday

7:15 i’ve got you by marc anthony plays.

7:16 we enter malibu

7:18 peaceful. the sunset is beautiful. the air feels so good. i feel my body exhaling being out of The House. ghosts can’t keep up with mimi’s car and the creature on my back is shivering from the cold and shrinking. it is week

7:19 i need to know plays. mimi has impeccable music taste. mimi talks about how she was on pch and a flock of pelicans flew over and pooped all over her windshield. luckily none came in through her sunroof

7:23 call me by blondie plays. enjoying the drive. mimi reminds me that she played this song for her piano final a while ago. i had completely forgotten

7:25 we turn right on malibu canyon road. ace texts kon and i

7:26 i check my messages. i text kon and ace about eren jaegar. i hate his ass but i want it. Julián texted mentos about heteroflexible memes. god bless

7:27 im so excited by the pointer sisters plays. mimi texted me that the guy who did the kimi railkonen song has an who guenther ep. i talk to her abt it out loud. she wishes she had it queued but i say dont worry

7:30 i text nat answering their questions about testosterone. like a prayer prays. we are on a beautiful mountain road putting my phone down

7:34 we get to the first stoplight in a while. mimi pulls out a canister of gum and offers us some. i grab one n fumble a bit but manage to grab it before she has to start driving from the green light

7:36 mimi says we have to go to a karaoke bar together cuz we both know all the lyrics. faith by george michael plays. we talk a bit abt his death.

7:39 she drives me crazy by fine young cannibals plays.

7:40 we r in a town now. is this calabasas ? one of the gated neighborhoods we passed by says that. we turn onto a freehway think the 101. mimi immediately accelerates like hell. love her

7:41 10% battery left

7:42 i dont know the words to the verse but i know the chorus. first on in a while i didnt know more of

7:43 just like heaven by the cure plays. i have to listen to more of the cure their music calms me down. we pass a sign that confirms we are in calabasas. i dont think ive ever been here before

7:46 99 luftballoons plays.

7:47 this gum sucks ngl. rlly hard to chew

7:49 practicing with paranoia looking at cars. they are not here to hurt me. they are just driving

7:50 opportunities ( let’s make lots of money ) by the pet shop boys. i dont recognize it at first but when the singing starts i know exactly what song it is. mimi says she hates it cuz its in every commercial. valid. i text Julián abt the f1 raps

7:51 mimi skips the track. i been thinking about you plays by londonbeat plays. this one i dont know

7:55 check insta text back ulu. i misread one of her texts and thought she was asking about an instagram filter but she was calling me hot. i share a mentos post to my main story

7:56 mimi makes a very close lane switch. the 101 has very tight lanes

7:57 stormtrooper in drag by paul gardiner plays. it’s the song she sent me earlier. i like it

8:01 mimi says that the 101 is one of the worst highways in the country in terms of crashes. we agree that it’s still fun to drive when its not full of traffic

8:02 a song plays but she skips before i see which one it it. things can only get better by howard jones plays. nice

8:03 we hit traffic finally. 5% battery

8:05 she skips a few songs

8:06 she stop at mony mony by billy idol. i distinctly remember play this song on the dancing with the stars ds game. i need fo get my ds and charge it

8:07 we get on the 110

8:08 paranoia better. traffic makes me feel better for some reason ?

8:10 get on the 10. a car speeds past everyone and i say Yeah. another car or maybe the same one makes an intense sputtering noise and milner says it’s when they hear sounds like that coming from a car that they get concerned

8:11 we get on vermont. the girl is mine by michael jackson plays. mimi asks if her driving scared her and i say no i loved it

8:12 milner tells us about their crazy cousin who was extremely risky while driving them on his motorcycle

8:13 we talk abt the awful 110 downtown exits area. abracadabra starts playing

8:14 i tell milner that they won the official sims survival mode. i tell them about my sim’s wicked exit

8:15 mimi reverses into the alley the short way now that the side parked car is gone.

8:16 we arrive back

8:17 i get out close car door urge. milner reminds me to get my chocolates and i say Yes. i grab them go inside close door urge. change into slipper

8:18 i walk inside put stuff down on kitchen table turn on kichtn lights urge. i see the cabinets are all left open and i complain out loud. i close them with my wrists then i go to the bathroom dont change slippers grab toilet paper spit out my gum go back to kitchen throw it in the trash urge.

8:19 my phone is at 1% so i go to my room take off slippers go to bed and put it to charge. i type stuff down fast

8:21 typed down. gonna go pee and leave phone here

8:22 i sanitize, put away my makeup stuff, and sanitize again

8:23 i put on slippers and exit. mimi is cooking she has out salmon and broccoli. she says “ salmon salmon “ and i laugh. i go to use the bathroom but milner is in the laundry room so i say i’ll wait. i go to grab my jacket from the kitchen chair and go to my room

8:24 i hang up my jacket on my clothes rack dont take off slippers and go back outside. milner is done and in the kitchen now. i go to the bathroom change slippers and pee. i wipe and flush. i feel my boxers bite at my waist with the elastic. i feel huge even though my pants fit like normal. i wash my hands

8:25 i exit bathroom use shirt hem to open door. urge. change slippers. mimi has opened her salmon and seasoning it by the stove. it looks delicious i’m hungry. i turn off the light urge. i grab the steamer and chocolate and take it to my room

8:26 back in room. set down steamer and chocolate by my desk. get on bed and type

8:31 finish typing. tired. have to video edit want to eat but mimi using stove. at least my headache is better

8:32 i text back ace and kon about eren again. i go on obey me

8:38 i catch up on obey me

8:44 i go on insta and reply to ace and kon abt eren jaegar. i watch my video a few times im so pretty when i have makeup on i wish i was skinny. elisa posts to her priv that she’s a discovery scholar prize finalist which is AMAZING go elisa !! looks like i didnt get it but who cares.

8:48 i google more abt discovery scholars. so hyped for elisa.

8:58 ive been writing emails to jennifer and my thesis committee and signing up for install dates. i’m waiting til friday to install so i have a better chance of meeting with my thesis committee before then. i need to figure out how to include qr codes.

9:02 i text renzel abt taking photos of the area by the two projectors for me

9:08 on instagram scrolling through mentos’ feed. i need to eat but using the stove is gonna drain me. i might make ramen instead. too tired.

9:09 went outside. mimi washing dishes milner listening to something in room maybe podcast. i grab a ramen. i go to my bathroom cuz mimi’s at the sink and fill my ramen there

9:10 i grab paper towels and put one on top and one below the ramen. i put it in microwave urge. i see that there’s stains on the utensil holder on the stove as i ask mimi to clean it. she sounds annoyed and says she’s getting to it even though she’s washing dishes right now and it isn’t over there with her

9:11 close microwave urge i tell mimi not to worry and i go to my room and rest against doorframe and type

9:12 five urges as i type

9:14 finish typing. urge. ramen done in microwave. feel like i failed cuz im eating it. i bring my water glass out with me to the kitchen table. mimi goes to grab cleaning supplies from the broom closet and cleans the stove

9:15 urge get water close fridge urge. mimi  moves to the side for me to get my ramen from the microwave. she apologizes and i say she doesn’t need to apologize. i grab it by the ends of the paper towels and put it down on the kitchen table. urge

9:16 mimi takes her phone and goes to lock the front door with the chain

9:17 mimi goes to her room. i relax. people r scary rn. paranoia bad. so tired. its cuz im hungry. three urges. nonstop rn tbh

9:19 i cut open the sauce packets stir them into my ramen and sit down. four urges. start eating

9:23 i compulsively say out loud that i want to kill myself.

9:28 finish eating n burp. im crying for some reason even though it isn’t spicy. im still hungry but i need to stop. maybe ill eat some cake as a treat

9:31 i take some of the costco cake out of the fridge and eat it. i feel fat. i stop before i finish because i dont have the energy to wash a dish today

9:33 check insta. taylor responded to my selfie she better be platonic cuz i am not for this anymore. she’s the type of cis person i dislike which is most of them lmao. i gotta go t4t

9:35 i text renzel more abt the projectors. she says she can totally do that for me. epic. i check mail for no reason

9:36 ace texts kon and i a tiktok. i text abt how i want levi ackerman to walk me on a leash but if i ask him he would say no and leave the room. i want him to ignore my existence so bad

9:41 i check insta again im procrastinating on cleaning up. i text renzel a bit more abt the projectors

9:42 i want to kill myself

9:43 get up wash fork nd chopsticks. urge. wash hands use paper towel. go back and pick everything up and throw away urge. sing deja vu while i do it but i need to remember more lyrics

9:44 i wipe down the table urge. grab phone go to room take off slippers sanitize

9:45 grab my laptop charger from by my bed go to desk plug it in urge. bring laptop over urge and pluf it to charge. grab phone to type.

9:48 sitting here. i have to plug it in. urge. i cant sanitize. terrified.

9:49 ok switching to laptop. Urge

9:50 on laptop. plugged it in. took off earrings urge. photobooth is open i look so ugly. fat fucking face i look like an old lady receptionist at a shitty law firm

9:52 im gonna have to move things to google docs hang on. i fart

9:53 i move sims day 13 to a google doc that way i can have it and my daily notes open at the same time while i work

9:55 i queue all of the f1 covers on spotify. amazing. just amazing

9:56 the gotye vettell combo is SO GOOD

9:56 ok gonna focus on editing. i open up premiere

9:59 i set a timer cuz i forgot and i light my grapefruit candle. i start by extending out the image bg for a while

10:05 i make it 24hr long. it’s the max it’ll go lmao

10:12 i text sam asking if he is sober enough to help me with a question on my thesis. he says and i say don’t worry. i’m so happy for him

10:13 i go to text augustina and see that she sent me drawings she’s making for the brown esports team. they’re so cute and i say so. i ask her the question about my thesis as to whether i should include times in with my video. she says no and i agree. just the text by itself is powerful and it will work better with trying to sync it up to clocks lmao. i like her so much !

10:18 i pause texting her and switch to sam he sends me photos of yosemite and i say i havent been there in ages. it’s his first time going and he loves it

10:19 augustina gets vaxxed on saturday exciting !!! we text a bit abt it

10:22 i’m texting people so i’m counting this as a break

10:24 start working again

10:26 text ace and kon about augustina

10:39 spent a bunch of time cuz i realized the position was wrong lmao. back on track now. check messages

10:53 text ace abt augustina seeing my thesis and i text Julián about the f1 cover songs. insanely good

10:59 mama texts me and sends me a fuckjerry tiktok. it’s wholesome it’s of a dog tucking in a baby. i say it reminds me of how Bo treated nino when he was a baby

11:01 i change my sitting position and uncross my legs and stretch

11:02 back to work

11:10 i’ve decided at 11:30 im gonna stop for today im gonna do my best to stick to that. i’ve taken small breaks so im proud of myself !

11:14 i say ugly five times in a row compulsively

11:30 i said i would stop. i’m so scared if i stop i won’t have time to work tomorrow. i’m gonna take a break and work more

11:31 step away from laptop. urge. i stretch then drink my water put on slippers and head out to the hall

11:32 i open the back door and stand there and finish my water

11:33 i go back to my room take off slippers. i’m gonna lay on my bed a bit. urge

11:47 was on instagram. back. gonna work until i get to noon on the sims game

11:48 back at it

11:51 i finish all the f1 songs. i switch to hxh songs because i’m incorrigible