12:04 ok i got to noon. three urges. i need to step away from my laptop. i unplug my second monitor. urge

12:05 i unplug my laptop. urge. i wonder if yesterday’s is the right one. i think mimi cooking salmon was a sign. im gonna use it. somehow it makes sense in my head. 13 and 47 together are a good pairing idk why.

12:06 fear, and loathing in las vegas is playing. i forgot how good their music is. it’s wild

12:10 i stop spotify. i’ve been on instagram screenrecording jacob sartorius’ story for mentos.

12:15 i follow cao fei on instagram cant believe i hadnt done that yet. i’m zoning out on my phone i need to go to bed

12:17 i get up and take off my makeup in front of my mirror with a makeup wipe

12:19 i adjust my laptop and i move my makeup light over. gonna try and attend group from my desk tomorrow now that i’m more comfy in the area

12:23 screenrecord a meme and post to mentos. scroll thru my feed a bit.

12:24 turn off my makeup light. its kind of dusty. urge

12:25 i text cam abt maybe getting manicures done together one day

12:26 i close my laptop urge. i get up from my desk and go plug my ipad in to charge. urge

12:27 i put on slippers go outside. i stand there for a bit in the kitchen. tired

12:28 bathroom change slippers. laundry door is open so i close that along with the main door

12:29 sit down pee

12:30 i check mail and instagram. i only did the laptop for hw today not the eat from dish or cook with pan. im sorry megan. couldnt do it today. have to work on thesis

12:31 get up wipe flush.  wash hands brush teeth

12:33 finish. wash face work on getting off mascara

12:34 floss. finish and throw it away

12:35 wash mouth and rinse hands. testosterone

12:36 wash hands. urge after touching towel. i open door change slippers go outside

12:37 go to room grab water come out get water urge go back to room. take 1.5mg risperdal 200 lamictal and then methylfolate.

12:41 zoned out

12:42 change into pjs. i look at my body in the mirror and want to cry. urge

12:44 sanitize. i want to kill myself

12:47 sitting at desk chair. have to update logs and stuff

12:48 idk if i did shower or not have to check

12:50 i check i did not. ill b honest tomorrow. i’m owning up to having a weirdly balanced day

12:51 i clear my check in form. gonna tally sanitizing

12:57 finish tallying 2 submit 34 resist. better than expected. gonna go and double check my text logs from while i was video editing

1:04 finish crossreferencing all my texts. close laptop three urges one more. sleepy.

1:05 get up urge. put on shorts over underwear so i don’t see my body hair. i want to shave so badly but cant because shower

1:06 stare at self in mirror. i’m so ugly oh my god

1:07 sanitize get in bed. gonna play obey me

1:17 catch up on obey me. gonna plau wordscapes

1:25 ok set alarm goodnight

8:00 gm open obey me

8:01 catch up


ok so i was with a group of friends we were at a fancy hotel. going to different rooms. it was a program organized by the last bookstore where we presented our work. marisol and leor where there abd mari and i went on a tour with the lady. one girl has super tall ceilings with clothes hanging down the half wall that descended. it was a point in the room where jt was shaped like a pentagron and fhe wall was a lkttle big longer than fhe triangle at the top. the bed was white with many pillow


next dream i’m driving and with some friends and we are drivinf through orange county and pointing out landmarks. there’s a place called littlest oldest town that has its name in giant neon red letters above a building. ir has a banner that’s tiny in comparison but says closing. i make us get off springdale by where the hockey stadium is but we exit to the right instead of left to get to the town. it feels like a strip mall you pass on a road trip.

there’s a scary lookinf biker dude with a earring stud on his right ear and bald and a sleeveless torn leather vest jean and grayinf beard. i ask about the town and he looks at me with an eyebrow raised and offers to give me a tour.

dont remember well but we walk around and then it’s night and we are on a sidewalk next to some grass in suburbia. the guy says he used to have a lot of fun our here and he changes into an asian man with blck hair and a tshirt. he doesn’t look like him but i know it’s my mom’s friend alan. we hug


nextdream its daytime on a hill and i am with friends. i look at this chart of socioeconomic status of usc students it looks like a very long scroll in dark mode. i’m in the middle with sam cam and bacon are a few rungs below me renzel is a few above me griffin above her leor above him. cam and bacon are ar 10,000 dollars idk what it meant. the scrolls snaps together and disappears.

i’m in a car at night. we are driving away and there’s a girl with dark olive skin and her long brown hair in a low ponytail. she is leaning over rhe backseat givinf direcrions to the driver as he drives through city streets. we are talking abt covid. she says she went back to live with her shitty dad and they had a long talked and worked things out. the driver is alan but switches to my uncle and talks about how he’s been gone from his dad for seven years but came back and is doing better. we arrive at a tiny home and somehow i know it’s my mom and uncles childhood home.

we are in the hallway the halls are a slightly dirty light blue. the ceilinf is low there is a kitchen to the rithr and a wall to the left. my uncle spreads his arms and says that it’s all good cuz they used to call my dad ( a word in spanish ). in my head it means insufferable.



8:20 i finish typing dream i google and it was insufrible that my uncle djd say. i heard it with an ah instead of ee but its the same word.

8:21 have to get out of bed. check fitbit

8:20 i slept for 5hr 57 minutes. i woke up at 7:20~ish and then was semi awake so it makes sense. my score is 73


8:29 im on my laptop

8:26 make bed

8:32 join group

8:42 leave group gonna write check in later gonna do ADLs and then start exposures asap

(2:09 me:


check in:

last night for hw i did exposures with technology, and i was supposed to eat from the stove and use a dish and do retrain ocd and finish my exposures

i didn’t do all of my exposures and didn’t do anything but technology yesterday just because i knew i needed to balance

today my goals are to finish my trials, finish my first thesis video, and attend class this afternoon

depression 0 ln 3

avoidance 1 ln 2

rumination 1 ln 3

self harm thoughts 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth no last time yesterday night will do later today

shower no last time the 1st

breakfast no

slept 6hrs

sanitizing ban submit 2 resist 36

suicidal ideation 0 ln 2

anxiety 2 ln 3 )


9:21 join meeting with megan. sit down at desk chair

9:29 finish meeting. she says im really making good progress and i say i hope so cuz i have things to do. she laughs. i want to cry after hanging up. i’m trying so hard. i’m so tired. im exhausted

9:30 crying. i hear the espresso machine in the kitchen. mimi is awake

9:32 looking cant find hdmi thinngy gonna look outside

9:33 i put on slippers go outside to living room pass by mimi in the kitchen i say hi. i go to the electronics area and look i find thing i was looking for

9:34 i take it back to my room take off slippers open it. it’s usb not hdmi. gonna order an hdmi cable then maybe two just in case.


10:44 urge. urge

10:47 finish updating three urgesjoin meetin


smart goal: shower every day wash hair every 2-3 days

steps: do laundry for towels first

not use a new towel after one use


shower once -


start by practicing touching shower walls and handles ( doing rn )

practice standing in shower without water on - then practice naked ?


shower and wash hair.

- keep shower door closed

• touch walls intentionally
• do handwashing ritual for count of 5 not ten
• stop ritual

use towel more than once. twice at first then build up to three since that’s recommended. idk the normal amount of towel uses but i just googled


practice showering once a week first then slowly increase as i get more comfy


1:00 end group. we just gave a lot of support to christian by the end because he’s new. he reminds me of joe pera lmao. so kind

1:02 finish updating exposures join meeting

1:12 end meeting. told her abt discovery scholar she is excited for me !

1:15 i email tom about the adapter for the install. better just to ask rather than buy two and be stuck with one or having to return it !

1:16 i check the rest of my mail and jennifer tells me congrats on the discovery scholar distinction !

1:17 i text papa about the adapters and that i got his email

1:59 go to desk sit down at laptop. fill out form

2:01 join check out

2:08 exit check out gonna right stuff in rn

check out:

i worked on exposures and retrain ocd today

i got it all done and started tackling a harder exposure !

depression 1

avoidance 1

rumination 3

self harm thoughts 0

homicidal thoughts 0

hw im working on my thesis and going to try out shower exposures for tomorrow

sanitize ban:

suicidal ideation 0

anxiety 1


2:14 finish typing but have to track sanitizing one sec

2:17 ok submit 1 resist 85 ( i think i only sanitized once sometimes i miss one written down here or there )


5:00 enter class. very few people have their cameras on lmao i dont care i did my makeup to try and look nice to prove that i am better than everyone else. i am superior

5:04 taylor looks really cute but her comment on my post rubbed me the wrong way lmao and i cant deal with it still. cis people tire me and cis people that consider themselves outside of the conversation don’t understand.


8:39 facetiming wendy watched tv with nat. feel better. gonna be video editing now

9:03 finish facetime. want to die again

9:04 i start playing acid rap. im gonna smoke from my pen lmao

9:06 i blow smoke rings. i feel the weed. i wanna drink too but this is already me breaking my sober promise. i just can’t do it tnite. not tnite


9:42 i took like a ten min break. the weed calmed me down. doing better. im sorry i didnt mean to break my promise i just. cant do this lmao


11:28 i have to figure out this poster