FRIDAY -  APRIL 9

( 9:24pm me here going to type down the crazy texts i sent last night )

12:21 i text sam some more - was texting him before midnight too but not updating

(11:03pm me is back to finish)

i text him about how milner is nonbinary but is so fucking cishet in their language that it makes me uncomfortable hearing them talk about physical and mental specifics between women and men. yes there is some evidence based off of chromosomes brain development but that doesnt mean that its adhered to gendered terms just learn alrdy !! u can use woman and man for it just be aware and they place so much Intonation on the words it feels terfy lmao.

12:22 sam and i talk about how there is no soundproofing in our rooms

12:24 milner says that a baby is 50lbs. i text sam and he is also shocked at that

12:26 milner talks about intersex people and the phrase “evolutionary bullshit” is thrown in there but i can’t tell wtf it was aimed at. i assume the worst when i text it to sam

12:26 sam sends me a tiktok abt niche childhood interests. they talk abt chinampas in the vid which i was obsessed with. sam talks to me about his clock obsession

12:30 sam named his stuffed animals after his favorite inventors as a kid. he sends me photos of different types of clocks and tells me about john harrison and his inventions of clocks that could work while on a boat

12:49 sam has to go to bed and i say gnite but i text him updates anyways as i video edit and listen. i have to pee and brush my teeth but milner and mimi keep yapping away

1:09 milner and mimi call it bullshit that red is the color of love and milner says that people are shocked that for them it’s teal. they say society shouldn’t enforce those colors on people ??

1:11 they talk more abt art. i text sam that i don’t like being elitist abt art but its so hard Not to be elitist sometimes

1:14 i stop texting sam.

1:34 i text ace and play them back in all the word hunt games we started

(end 11pm me’s catching up)

2:01sorry i. depressed. video edited. played a lot of word hunt games with ace. video exporting let’s see how she does. it’ll be cutting it close with 8:30am so im praying to god lmao


2:12 catch up on obey me. i might take a break from logs this entire weekend to just focus on video editing. i also need a vacation. ill let u guys know. the one day last weekend was rlly nice so i might do that again. just getting exhausted from everything. wearing me down so much


2:19 set alarms gonna try n sleep. legs cramping so bad all night. hurts so bad. i did laundry for my towels btw so i can shower soon !! goal for this weekend is to shower.

2:20 gnite

7:51 morning ! i chrck insta

7:53 get up. my video was too big for export i forgot abr the fucking size

7:58 i do a practice vers

8:01 i queue the real vers

8:05 change settings again and queue a sample

8:06 i put on slippers walk to bathroom change slippers sit down pee

8:07 get up

8:10 room go put on face oil

8:11 go to desk. check video quality. it looks really good at the lowest bit rate so im gonna take it lmao. i export the full thing it says it will only be 2gb now not 1tb LMAO

8:16 im abt to go outwide but i go back to my dresser change bottoms put on sweatpants

8:17 i go look at my body in the mirror before i put on the sweatpants. im not Fat but im not as skinny as those people online. idk how theyre so skinny.

8:19 i take my water glass put on slippers go outside

8:20 i go to grab my bread outside the fridge but it’s hard as hell. the trash is full so i don’t throw it out and leave it there. i get my bread from the fridge instead and pull out two slicers put in toaster

8:21 i take one slice back in my room with me take off slipppers sit on bed eat

8:23 i hear my toast finish put on slippers head outside


9:01 i take body selfie in mirror and analyze. fat. go outside dish

9:05 finish 2 1 0. gonnw feed starter

9:08 microwave 

9:09 mimi comes into the kitchen from down the hall. she says morning and goes to grab food from the fridhe

9:11 finish 4 5 0. three urges

9:13 mimi goes over to her espresso machine and starts it. the loud hum fills fhe room.

9:14 fridge time but mimi is puttinf stuff away in the pantry so i wait. fridge

9:18 finish 3 1 0. three urges. mimi went back to her room with her yogurt and espresso

9:19 wipe down counter urge go to room take off slippers sanitize come back outside. put away flour from starter urge and put away the starter itself

9:21 i realize the time race to my room take off slippers


9:38 get off call. i cried. so dysphoric today. they dont get it lmao. they told me to relax for a bit so im gonna make bread dough

9:49 on instagram. greatly enjoying all the prince philip memes today. insta keeps deleting claire’s posts on mentos

9:50 go out and makw bread dough

10:03 finish one urge. ate some dough. texted sam abt prince philip.

10:06 tom asks me for a photo of my work for advertising for the shwo so i go back to my room take off slippers go to desk


11:10 put on slippers head outside go shape bread dough

11:12 atesomw bread sough. start disg

11:15 finish 2 0 1. one urge. im gonna do fridge in a min but not 3 cuz i gotta catch up

11:17 start

11:20 finish 2 1 0

11:22 microwave

11:26 finish 4 3 1. four urges

11:29 dish

11:32 finish 2 0 0. im so distracted today i dont care im doing terribly

11:34 fridge

11:36 mimi walks in and grabs her painting. her professor wants to see it. she goes to her room

11:37 finish 2 1 0 one min then microwave. matt emailed back and said he would love to be kept in the loop !

11:38 start mic

11:42 finish 4 3 3 four urges. on instagram. gonna take a min then dish again

11:45 dish. was textinf wendy on slack

11:48 finish 2 1 1. on slack. gonna do fridge asap

11:52 microwave

11:55 finish 4 2 2. post meme to mentos. one more dish

11:58 finish 2 0 0. three urges but not rlly. i get water


1:33 been on insta. not doing exposures til after group ive decided

1:55 ive been catching up on all the chats in obey me. i had over 100 and ive brought it down to seventy. terrifying how much ive

missed

2:13 microwave beeps as i washing hands i go outside change slippers take out of microwave then set it to cool

2:14 go into bathroom change slippers. check insta briefly

2:15 get off insta

2:17 was thping stuff down change slipper go back outside to eat

2:21 i finish dumplings push down boxes in recycling urge. i wipe my nose with the back of my hand. im still so hungry. i sit down at kitchen table


4:10 finish meeting with cameron and renzel. we talk about the website and the poster. looks good.


4:53 finish facetime with jamie. bought shoes. i might just take a week off from this if that’s ok. i’ll come back when i’m done editing my thesis !!!!


5:30 update sims logs on website. maybe ill just update sparingly. i’m just so focused i’m barely doing anything else

5:46 jamie ft me again and we talk about my logs. she’s been high as hell and going through them in order to find mentions. im so happy someone likes them. she hangs up cuz wendy is facetiming her


it’s hard to type because i’m corroborating all my notes between devices so i never have the current date open !!!! so there’s going to be a lot of gaps today. gonna try and edit tonight and tomorrow so then i’ll be free to do less tech things snd more fun things


was listening to easyfun and now gfoty. yeah its that kind of day


5:51 i text michael that renzel posted the poster to the google drive sharwd folder. i check instagram briefly but nothing new

5:52 i check mail and the confiemarion emails are there from the shoes i bought. i need a job so i can boost up my savings again cuz i just spent money i dont have lmao. gonna apply for getty intwrnships this week. have to get money i’m saving the chapman money to pay for the photos justine is taking of me that i wish i could cancel but i don’t want to rid her of money lmao. i hope she cancels on me


6:01 finished march 23 and 24 next page. gonna just try n update when i grab my phone. ive done all my sims and the epilogue so far !


6:05 sharwd all my iphone notes to my laptop next is my ipad

6:07 share ipad notes. only two. the gfoty album oplays and ag cook plays again. i go to spotify and play hannah diamond

6:25 started texting augustina on insta abt my shoes and abt prince philip n abt among us and about spam calls


6:50 i pause texting augustina cuz wendy facetimes me. i trimmed my nails too and i feel much better

7:00 hang up. wendy and sam told me abt their walk. i miss them and jamie sm

7:08 was on instagram. need to work again. texted augustina back briefly before convo ended

7:17 on insta. gonna get water and open my door. i go put on slippers go to kitchen get water. check on bread dough. lookin sexy.

7:18 i gi back to my room take off slippers take off sweater stretch. sit down at desk and type

7:20 i have to oee get up put on slippers leave

7:21 i go to bathroom change slippers sit down #1 and 2

7:26 i catch up on obey me. i get up flush wipe wash hands etc

7:27 i change slippers go get more water. drink it as i go to my room take off slippers

7:28 i turn on my fan to get airflow in and i sit down and finish my water. im so avoidant i dont wanna do my exposures and im gonna be a little bitch and not do them til sunday !!!!! whore

7:29 the fan feels so good. i shouldve done this a while ago. i dont have any windows that can open so the air is so stagnant in my room

7:34 play ace back in word hunt games. im gonna watch something on my ipad while i work i think

7:36 watching........ sherlock

7:37 texting act that i watched sherlock and then i say ttyl i have to work

7:44 i trim my nails more. much MUCH better. ok work again

8:38 finish updating website !!! next is video editing. sherlock is so bad but so good. it’s camp

8:39 text ace. we agree that riverdale is better than sherlock

8:41 check instagram. irene adler has appeared in sherlock. it’s veering closed and closer towards camp but just misses the mark

8:42 check mail. nothing. gonna lay on bed a bit then keep working. turn off ipad lay down. the fan helps so much in keeping me alertt

8:43 what if i sleep. i get under my blanket. im so exhausted

8:44 i check instagram again. tired

8:45 i check mail. i want tofu soup but ive eaten too much today. cant eat any more tonight

8:56 i catch up in obey me. i downloaded a new game from an ad. i start playing

8:58 mimi comes into my room. she gently sets a portos box next to me. i gasp quietly. she got me a pastelito con guava !!! i say thank u. i almost knock the box off but am careful and dont do it. we start chatting about portos

9:00 i finish eating it. we talk about watching star wars and maybe the matrix movies tomorrow. we also talk about how im working on my thesis and she’s workinf on her portfolio website and has a bunch of edits to make

9:01 i get up while we chat and grab my water glass put on slippers and go to put the box by the entryway. i make my way back to the kitchen and we chat some more

9:03 i check on my dough. mimi is talking to me abt her chatting with milner last night. it was a crazy convo that i didn’t write down but it was essentially them talking about family history -> gender differences between cis people -> top surgery -> working out. it was a very binary convo and i got very uncomfortable listening from my room. at one point milner said that their ancestors were slave owners and i said holy shit. i text sam about it late at night lmao. actually im gonna go back to this morning n type it down brb.


9:26 head hurts im gonna pause typing and take meds and get ready for bed. i smell something smokey. i go to get my tech and knock my mirror over and my earrinfs go flying qs it crashes down into my stand

9:27 i fix my mirror and put back up my earring stand. they all fell out and are all over the desk. i will deal with it later lmao. not tonight.


9:29 i plug my second harddrive into my laptop and compulsively say that i want to fucking kill myself

9:30 i transfer over the video to the harddrive

9:31 it finishes and i eject the harddrive. i grab my old laptop charger and plug it in and my old laptop turns on. i move to the other half of my desk and sit there now

9:32 i turn on my laptop. it turns on buck the trackpad is weird so i force quit it

9:33 i turn it on again. praying it works but if not ill have to figure out how to sacrifice my laptop for several days.

9:35 it works and i log in and i plug in my harddrive. but nkw the screen is totally black except my harddrive folder ???

9:36 it finally loads up. woah. this brinfs back memories. i have a tsuritama background on it. so cute

9:37 i get spinning beach ball every time i click lmao

9:40 it’s struggling but i manage to get it to copy the first video file to its desktop. this bad boy is nine years old.

9:46 it plays it just fine. gonna google something

9:54 i figure out the best way to scroll through to get to a specific time. that took me several minutes of googling to remember how to use quicktime lmao

9:56 i post to mentos

9:58 i unplug my harddrive. i think im gonna sleep. got a lot done. need to video edit my heart out tomorrow probably can’t paint. unless i edit tonight.

10:00 i have to decide what to do. i turn off my laptop and unplug my harddrive. i put on slippers cross the kitchen to the bathroom change slippers sit down and pee

10:02 i finish peeing check insta go and play my new app

10:13 i pause playing get up wipe wile seat flush wash hands

10:14 i was thinking abt this and at first i was confused as to why some of the logs are shorter than the early ones ( like ones i recorded the entire day for ) but i realized that some of my compulsions have faded so it makes sense that i’m typing less for some of these actions !!!! v interesting

10:16 i brush my teeth and wash my face

10:17 i floss

10:18 i put on my testosterone and wash my hands

10:19 i decide to shave for the first time in ages. i grab my razor and shaving soap and shave off my shitty little testosterone mustache. one day i’ll feel confident enough to keep it but for now it’s too faint

10:21 i finish and change slippers leave bathroom. i pause to check on my dough and taste it. it’s getting tart but in the morning is when i bake probably. sourdough starter wasn’t full ready so it’s gonna take longer than normal

10:22 back in room take off slippers go put on face oil. i grab my water glass and without putting my glasses back on ( i take them off to put on my oil ) i go put on slippers go to fridge get water

10:23 i finish the brita and i go fill it with more water before putting it back into the fridge. i go back to my room take off slippers and i turn off my ceiling fan

10:24 i get my glasses and take my risperdal lamictal and also my methylfolate and vitamin d. for some rzn dr wang didn’t meet with me today even though i needed to talk with her about starting fluvoxamine. whatever. i sanitize when done.

10:25 i sit down at my deak and type

10:29 i keep admiring my nails. i HAVE to do my other hand tomorrow lmao it’s still blank

10:31 finish typing. trying to decide if i esit i might try and start at least

10:33 i start editing

10:57 compulsive say im gonna kill myself

10:58 i check instagram and text back ace. i pick my nose. trying to decide if i sleep or not

10:59 im gonna sleep

11:00 i take off my pants and fold them and put them away. i go turn on my lamp then close my door. i look at my body in the mirror. fat. i turn off my light and get in bed

11:01 in bed gonna finally look at the fucking texts and update this morning

11:14 finish updating texts. tempted to update yesterday eveninf but im telling myself no cuz that was a moment where i was very depressed and i shouldn’t write over it. gonna check obey me then sleep

11:21 catch up. gonna set an early timer for it so i can get the last two battles. goodnight. gonna masturbate n sleep. plugged in phone turn off light