12:18 i remember to start recording

12:20 i use up my ap in obey me and i decide to sleep. i sm typing with on hand cuz bo is cuddling with my other arm.

12:35 vision ofwhitecloth angel covered phoenix pained face

12:52 i cant sleep so i go onto instagram. i want to smoke a blunt with jason briggs

12:57 bo has to pee so i take him inside. he wants to go into julians room but the door is locked why is it locked ???

1:18 i finish the daily and weekly packs for Flow. not counting those, i am 17 out of 43 packs perfectly completed. i have been playing for twelve days.

6:34 bo wakes me up to go outside

8:10 bo wakes me up to go outside. i play obey me goong back to sleep

10:27 i wake up for real

11:00 after playing on my phone i get a call from rogers. i hand sanitize and call back.

11:12 we schedule a screening for tomorrow at 11am

11:48 i was texting augustina for a bit, dr davis called and i answered. we decided not to change my medication and to wait for my admission to php

12:23 i go to the bathroom. just assume im on my phone most of the time here when theres gaps in between events

12:25 i brush teeth, wash face, and put on my testosterone

12:27 i pack up the bathroom

12:30 i clean my room and pack up and make my bed

12:33 i pick up my laptop using a tissue and now i have to hand sanitize in between touching everything again. what if i killed myself. like really. what if i did.

12:38 i eat the leftover cacio e pepe in its tupperware. cant use dish or microwave rn. i wash my dish afterwards

12:40 i use a paper towel to open the cabinet to grab my meds. i think its because im stressed about going back to LA that my ocd is acting up. its stupid of me to go back to LA but in my head i have to.

12:44 i eat all of the godiva chocolates in the bowl. bo thinks its a treat for him so i go get him a treat so he doesn’t feel left out.

12:45 i go upstairs to grab my bathroom bag and put away my shoes.

12:46 i see papa downstairs and talk about mama being back from her walk soon. i will leave once she is back.

12:46 there is something in my water. im freaking out.

12:53 i pack up and say bye to mama and papa. i cry once i close the door. im worried im going to die driving when i leave yhe house im destined to die

1:47 i am back safe. i didnt die. i played ag cook the entire time and he kept me safe. i had to step out of my car to kick trash to the side in the alleyway and i hand sanitized a bit while driving but i didnt put my gloves on so i did ok.

2:11 i text ace for help coaching me to go into the LA House. i havent left my car yet

2:17 i text my roommates to open the back door for me. im literally so scared this is so dumb i havent left my car yet

2:22 sam opens the door for me n i start to bring stuff in

2:31 i bring everything in. i do small talk with wendy. i open the door to my room and im trapped again in prison.

2:57 i spent the last few minutes looking up printing mini books online. itll be a lot of money to get them made but i dont care anymore. i used my gloves to touch my ipad and hand sanitized a lot but i did it.

2:58 i took off my gloves to use my phone better. i have to go to the bathroom but i’m scared of going to the bathroom

3:00 i go to the bathroom

3:06 i leave the bathroom and go back to the living room to talk to wendy.

3.12 i put my black gloves on and plug my laptop in to charge i hand sanitize after each step. im going to play the sims survival mode. earlier i was using one indoor glove one black glove but now i am using two black gloves because i dont want to contaminate my bedroom glove.

3:14 i open the sims 4. i bring my hand sanitizer closer to me cuz i have to use it in between laptop touches. wendy is using her laptop and idk how she does it.

3:15 my game has updated and i have to update wickedwhims now too.

3:20 i updqte wickedwhims and basemental drugs. i sanitize my phone and restart the sims. the laptop is contaminating my hands and my phone is affected now.

3:53 i end up making wendy’s ideal boyfriend in the sims

5:29 ive been playing the sims this entire time. ive had to hand sanitize a lot but its fun. im trying to build it up past winter so that way i dont have to go through the holidays every survival mode.

also update wendy is now dating her fictional boyfriend. she is very excited about that irl.

5:34 i go on instagram and share some clips from the gallery show that im in that opened today. it feels pretty epic

5:45 i got past all the holidys now i am just waiting for the snow to thaw and i can set everything up for survival mode. ive used so much hand sanitizer lmao the air is full of the smell

5:50 sam and mimi come in and we talk about the real housewives.

5:52 wendy wakes up and i update her on her sims bf

5:54 i sanitize just because. wendy comes over to hang out and stretch on the ground

5:57 theres stjll snow in the sims im gonna cry. i have to go to class

5:58 i sanitize THE SNOW IS THAWING GOD HAS BLESSED ME

6:00 i sanitize and join class. camera off. sanitize again.

6:01 sanitize again. in class now.

sanitize again. gonna try and document every time i use hand sanitizer lmao.

6:02 sanitize again. type in chat hello in class then sanitize again.

6:03 i close chat then sanitize again. i need to update emily mast on the video because i cqn’t edit it rn.

6:04 i consent to being recorded. i sanitize again.

6:05 i post to mentos illness i sanitize again the computer is freaking me out i cant do this i cant do this the light is poisoning me its foinf to kill me i want to die its killing me i cant do this im gonna walk away for. a second

6:08 i sanitize again to open fridge, open fridge qnd grab thai food, sanitizeagain, open roll of paper towels, sanitize again, open microwave, sanitize again, put pper towel below and on top thai food sanitize again close microwve put two minutes sanitize again grb phone type this. sorry im shaking. a bit and keyboard isnt responsing all too well becauss of my gloves.

6:11 the microwave is done but im ao scared of opening it the food is poisoned by the microwve but i hve to eat im so scred

6:12 i sanitize again i grab paper towel use to open microwave then use both paper towels on top andbottom to lift food without touching microwave, i sanjtize again and close microwave door then sanitize again then luckily drawer is open i get plastic fork because i cannot wash dishes right now. time to eat

6:18 i finish eating i go wash my hands i do my ritual. rub palms together count of ten. rub palms with fingers interlaced count of ten. rub back of left hand count of ten. rub back of rifht hnd count of ten. start all over but now nine. then eight, seven, six... until im at a count of one and i can stop. the water burned me a bit through my gloves because i used superhot water. i finished washing my hands and my keys fell to the ground. i used on of the paper towels to pick it up nd put it on a trivet on the table because the table is poisoned. i use the paper towels to throw awy the takeout container i sanitize again and take a sip of wtaer. i contemplte killing myself again. i cnt imagine being old nd livging like this. typing is shit cuz of glovss so sorry nd hard to go back and fix so im leaving a lot of it alone lmao.

6:23 i sanitize, put my phone down on the trivet, open fridge grab water pour into cup making sure it doesnt touch anything, put water away and sanitize again. i pick up my phone and go back to my laptop screen and the anxiety hits again. seeing the people on screen is terrifying

6:24 i want to drink hand sanitizer so bad. after i eat my stomach and esophagus are contaminated and i need to clean it. i need to get it out i have to stop myself from puttinf sanitizer in my water all the time.

6:25 i think about ways i can make a 24hr surveillance video for the second half of thesis. i might talk with thesis committee about it. im gonna talk to jennifer about making a book of these notes when my thesis is over.

6:26 i hand sanitize again and bring the sanitize with me back to the couch. i am shaking a bit still but my typing is better. this is really weird writing all of this down because i say all of what im thinking that i cant say to others without scaring them. i feel like im about to die and my heart is going to stop beating because my body is dirty and contaminated.

6:28 i sanitize and text back my therapist about the screening tomorrow. i check instagram. im not looking at the videos in class because im too scared to touch my laptop i might leave class early im gonna leave class early and message jean

6:30 i message jeanand leave class. i sanitize. im going to go lay down a bit before i do sims survival for the night.

6:32 i go into my room and take off my gloves. i sit on my bed and sanitize with the bottle by my bed. i feel my body relax !! it is so good not to wear gloves. my hands are all pruny from wearing them. I wore them for 3.5 hours in a row today. i’ll try and log how many hours i wear them every day.

6:40 i chat with a mentos illness follower on instagram. i switch to playing obey me

6:51 i catch up on the event in obey me. i can feel my body physically relaxing. i had no idea how tense i was using my laptop until right now. i could melt into my bed. i feel like butter on mashed potatoes.

7pm i plug my charger in and charge my phone and sanitize. im gonna check out the coaxial show

7:03 the link isnt working well

7:09 nothing much. my mind finally feels blank. i want to sleep for twelve hours but i have to do the sims round for today still

7:15 i earn the world champion plumber - perfection aware for completing 2640 puzzles perfectly. 61/100 achievements done.

7:27 i reach level 100 on 14x14. im gonna go to the bathroom

7:36 i havent gone to the bathroom but i made a meme to try and warn the follower that im not a minor and if they are they shouldnt try anything because i am Not abt that

7:47 i send thomas names i think would be good for curatorial committee

7:52 what if i overdose

8:02 i go use the bathroom finally. mimi is in the kitchen facetiming with nat and i say hi. i use the bathroom, wash my hands without the ritual, switch the empty toilet paper roll for a new one, exit the bathroom using my tshirt to touch the knob and go to the living area and sanitize

8:03 i put on my bedroom glove and lift my laptop and charger with one hand. i grab the hand sanitizer with my ungloved hand and bring both to my room.

8:04 i shake off my indoor glove so i don’t have to touch it with my hand and then sanitize. my laptop is on my bed now and i can feel my anxiety rise. this is so stupid.

8:09 i put my black gloves on and go to the 3D gallery on my laptop because mobile still wont work. i sanitize.

8:16 dulce johnny and casey are here ! we r voice chatting. i sanitized to use my phone rn but i am having fun

8:18 i sanitize twice

8:19 i watch one o the art videos i sanitize. i sanitize again

8:20 i sanitize

8:21 i sanitize. im sanitizing in between clicks again

8:22 i sanitize twice so far. one more time

8:23 i get excited about flying being enabled in the gallery

8:30 cam arrives ! i sanitize

8:31 i sanitize again

8:32 i sanitize again

8:33 i sanitize again

8:35 i sanitize again

8:37 i sanitize again. cam finished watching my video and we are chatting

8:38 i sanitize

8:39 i sanitize. i sanitize again

8:40 i sanitize again

8:41 i sanitize again and leave the gallery

8:42 i catch up on all my texts

8:44 i sanitize again and text cam on my laptop not my phone

8:45 i sanitize again and start playing the sims. when i start survival mode i will switch notes

8:46 i sanitize again. i explain survival mode to cam

8:50 i sanitize. at midnight sims time i start survival mode

8:54 i sanitize. its time. ill update this alongside sims in terms of my own actions.

8:56 i mess up and start over. i sanitize

8:57 i reopen the sims and sanitize again. i sanitize again

8:59 i start sims i sanitize

9 i sanitize again

9:01 i sanitize

9:02 i sanitize

9:04 i go on instagram to share another photo of the coaxial show. i sanitize and turn my attention to my sim again

9:05 thats a lie i answer a text from mama

9:06 i pay attention again

9:09 i got a weird voicemail

9:11 i sanitize again

9:13 not much to say just wanted to type something here. i want to die less right now

9:15 i sanitize, plug in my laptop charger, and sanitize again

9:17 i get another weird voicemail. just quiet except a few strained beeps from the same number

9:21 i remember im kind of hungry

9:22 i get the call again

9:23 i get a voicemail again. same beeps. i block the caller

9:24 i sanitize again

9:25 i sanitize

9:34 i scratch under my eye

9:35 i move my laptop to my lap. warm nd comfy

9:37 i text my dad about my show

9:40 i text ace and kon

9:42 i sanitize again

9:44 i text my dad some more

9:49 i take off my gloves and sanitize. ive never felt more free. my fingers move so fast

9:51 i check instagram

10:02 i adjust my pillows to be comfier

10:05 i cross my ankles the other way

10:11 i scratch the back of my neck

10:14 i text cam

10:21 i realize i havent changed my sims hair

10:24 i stop recording

10:44 i take off my headphones and sanitize

10:45 i cross my legs and sanitize

10:46 i rub my eye

10:47 i sanitize

10:48 i rub my eye

10:49 i rub my eye again

10:51 i pause to go eat. i sanitize my hands, move my laptop off my lap, then sanitize again

10:53 i bring my sanitizer and living area gloves with me

10:54 i eat the last of theo’s chocolate cake before realizing that now i need to wash the tupperware

10:57 i take off my glove right now to report that i: shook off crumbs into the trash, set the tupperware down and sanitized, washed the lid and container, then did my handwashing ritual and came back here

10:58 i eat some pie dough

10:59 i eat the rest of the brownies in the tray in my fridge

11:00 i sanitize and wash the crumbs off of the tray in the sink

11:01 i fill the tray with water to soak and do my handwashing ritual but only a count of ten and a count of five before im satisfied. i think i am very tired

11:05 i wipe my gloves with a paper towel and sanitize them. i grab the foil that covered the brownies and put it in the trash and then sanitize again

11:06 i grab my water glass and take a sip

11:07 i grab my hand sanitizer, car keys, and phone and take them in my room with me

11:08 i set everything down, sanitize my gloves, take off my gloves, and sanitize my hands again. i sit on my bed and type out the past few minutes

11:15 i check instagram

11:17 i play obey me before going back to instagram before texting ace and kon. unrelated i want to kill myself so badly. i want to feel nothing. i just want it to be over already. i cant imagine myself being older than i am right now.

11:23 i want to kill myself so badly. will i die at midnight. what if i take all of my pills. do i need milner to hold onto my pills again. can i attend class tomorrow. i dont know. im so scared. im so so scared fuckfuckfkc

11:28 i want to do cocaine again

11:39 i play flow for several levels

11:44 oh god am i rlly getting cocaine cravings i think im just tired and sad and i want to do drugs to feel something inside. im gonna smoke some weed

11:48 i rub my eye

11:49 i sanitize my hands and take two hits of my weed pen

11:50 i sneeze twice. i sanitize my hands

11:51 i sanitize my hands and go use the restroom

11:53 i wash my hands and grab my meds and bring them to my room

11:54 i sanitize my hands, take my pills, and sanitize again. milner is home and them and wendy talk in the kitchen area

11:55 i sanitize my hands and turn on my lamp. i sanitize again and turn off my main light

11:56 i take off my outer pillows and sanitize my hands again. i text sam about the conversation happening in the kitchen