7:30 i wake up and jimp outbof bed

7:35 i split my lip again. i masturbated last night. i thought of a fat ugly older man fucking a younger woman again. when i was falling asleep i thought of the creature that haunts me. its under my bed. i dont remember if i dreamed or not. maybe because i woke up early i didnt enter the time i normally dream

7:36 i fart

7:37 i check instagram

7:38 i fart

7:48 i turn off my 7:50 alarm. i post to mentos

7:53 i open front camera. i have a little bit of dried blood by my nose. did it pick at a zit in my sleep ? i pick the blood off and feel a zit under there.

7:54 i check my mail. i have a reminder for my advisement appointment on the 15th at 4pm

7:55 i pick at my nails and clean the underside. theyre finally at a length i like

7:57 i check my mail again. i have no clue what i was expecting

7:59 i sit up in bed. im exhausted and its cold

8:00 my alarm rings. i stop it

8:01 i get up and sanitize my hands. i go grab my jacket from the ground and pick it up. sometimes the ground is safe and i dont know why

8:02 i get back in bed and grab my seat rest pillow. idk how to name it but it stands up and has an arm on each side and i use it when im seated so it supports my back. i sanitize twice. the hand sanitizer doesnt burn today

8:12 greg lindquist followed me back ( augustina and i were talking about him yesterday ). i text her and she also goes wild

8:15 i exit instagram. i rlly gotta keep track of the time. i sanitize

8:16 i get up and sanitize. i go to my desk and put vaseline on my lips

8:17 i change slippers and go to the bathroom. i change slippers again and use my wrist to turn on the light. i sit down on the toilet and pee

8:18 i wipe and use my nonwipe hand to grab toilet paper and flush. i use both hands to tie up my pants. i wash my hands ten seconds no ritual, i brush my teeth. i pay attention to my back molars and that helps me with my breath.

8:20 i rinse my mouth and wash my face. i rinse my hands

8:21 i change slippers and walk out the bathroom and use my wrist to turn off my light. i hear my alarm. i apologize and race over change slippers. i put on my face oil quickly and drink water. i bring my water to my bed and place it on the side careful not to spill it

8:22 i turn off my alarm. i realize i left my glasses on my desk. i get up to grab them and immediately spill my water. i go back to my bed and sanitize. i grab a glove and use it like a napkin and open up my laptop

8:23 i put on my gloves and sanitize. i log into my laptop

8:24 i use phone to check my notes i sanitize. i start typing out the past few minutes

8:26 i check photobooth to see how i look. my hair is so ugly and greasy. i pat it down

8:30 i run to close my door and i run back and sanitize my hands

8:31 i open teams from my email. maria lets me into the meeting

8:32 maria lets me know i

8:34 i didnt receive the email for my outcome assessment. i type very slowly so maria wont hear

8:39 i sanitize

8:40 we end. maria was typing out my information and asked for my mom’s information since she is my guarantor. i finally can type fast again. i want to play the sims but I only have twenty minutes before my next meeting so i cant.

8:41 i sanitize. im gonna have so much laptop fatigue every day i can sense it

8:43 i sanitize. how tf am i going to stop sanitizing. i sanitize again

8:44 i realize that i was sent two different teams meetings. i email maria

8:45 i try and fight the urge to sanitize. my palms feel terrible but im holding out. i can feel the contamination spreading

8:47 i want to kill myself. i cant stop thinking about my hands

8:48 maria responds and tells me to get back on the call. i rejoin and she explains that from 9 to 10 i am filling out forms by myself and then at 10am i join the call with the link that megan sent me earlier

8:49 we hang up. i want to sanitize so badly

8:50 i sanitize twice and take off my gloves and sanitize again

8:51 i go on my phone and check instagram

8:52 i move my water glass and hand sanitizer and sanitize again. i sanitize again

8:53 i get up and change slippers and go to the kitchen. i grab a fork and go to cut myself a brownie. i cut myself one and see flies on the stove and i want to cry

8:54 i eat my brownie and slowly walk back to my room. i change slippers and go inside my room and keep eating

8:55 i get on my bed and finish the brownie. i dont care about crumbs my bed is safe

8:57 i check my mail. im not going back on my laptop until i get the email

8:58 i scratch my ear. im so cold. i want to drink water but im terrified because it spilled on the ground. i feel flies on my skin. terrified

8:59 i feel flies in my throat. my brownie has flies in it. theyre in me now. im trying to tell myself otherwise

9:00 i check messages. nothing new. flies all over me freaking out i think of the scene in indiana jones. my biggest fear

9:03 i scratch my head and check instagram. cant stop thinking about flies

9:04 i check email. no forms yet. worried ill fall asleep again

9:05 i check instagram. i respond to sams post about getting yuppduk

9:06 i rub my mouth with my sleeve. i feel flies on my head i scratch. theyre living in my hair in my skin. i scratch my face

9:07 i check instagram again. sam hasnt responded. at 2:30 i can fall asleep again. nat texts me

9:08 i check my mail. nothing. i check my message. i feel flies on my belly i scratch. nat asks if i can facetime this morning and i say that i cant but i can after 2:30

9:09 i check my mail again. at 9:15 ill email maria

9:10 i check my mail. i try and adjust my covers so i move my gloves to the side and i sanitize

9:11 i twist my covers around so i grab my laptop with my bare hand by the screen and i move it. im so cold i dont wanna get out from my cover to sanitize

9:12 im scared of touching my laptop. i check my email again. i scratch my face and ear. i feel flies all over me.

9:13 i check my mail. nothing

9:14 i think about how in high school i learned how to practice sleep hygiene and only use my bed for sleeping. now i spend my entire day in bed cuz its safe. oops

9:15 i check my email. no new emails. i email maria letting her know

9:17 ive been zoning out checking old emails trying to find it

9:18 no email back from maria

9:19 i scratch my face. im gonna fall asleep again i just know it. maybe ill nap during lunch. i check my email. i finally got the assessment.

9:57 i rush to fill them out and finish. i check my email. maria emailed me to confirm i got them. i tell her yes

9:58 i also get an email from the nurse to grab my medication for our meeting

9:59 i go get my meds

10:00 i getback and sanitize i run to close my door i dont put on my slippers

10:01 i put on my gloves sanitize and log in to my computer

sanitize 6

11:01 i finish with megan i sanitize plug in my laptop sanitize join teams meeint giwht ryan sanitize

11:02 i sanitize and wait for her to let me in

sanitize 3 1 she gives me anxuety 1 1


11:43 i finish with ryan. i take off my gloves and sanitize my hands

11:44 i check instagram. im being slandered for thinking levi ackerman is hot

11:51 im defending myself in the mentos illness group chat

12:05 i texted adrian that greg lindquist followed me back

12:26 ive been on instagram posting and sharing memes

12:27 im freezing cold. my hands feel like ice. ive decided to wait until the end of my program day to write it out just so i can take breaks in between. im lucky i have a good memory


1:30 i finish with dr. wang. she looks concerned. i text ace on my laptop laughing aboht it. i sanitize

1:31 i take off my gloves and sanitize and go to instagram. i edit an image in story mode and i post it to mentos laughing about dr wang’s face. i scroll instagram

1:33 i text spencer about the homestuck memes they sent me. i go back to instagram

1:40 i go to obey me to catch up for the day

1:43 i text nat that i’m free after 2 if she wants to call but i bet theyre busy so i dont expect a response. i go back to obey me

1:45 i go join the call with megan again

1:46 dr davis’ phone number calls. it’s janet his secretary. she says dr wang called them and asked to discuss, so i should just put down her name on the release form if that’s okay. megan answers the call and there’s a moment where i talk to janet while she watches. she laughs

1:47 i end the call with dr davis. megan gives me her check out script. i ask if there are mandatory dates for college that i can let them know about, like for my thesis show. she says to just let her know. she tells me more about the program. it’s going to be exposure driven and focused on behavioral work, and a lot of self motivation. there’s a check in group, individual work time, i check in with megan three times during the day, i have lunch, more work time and a group therapy session, and a check out group. i ask if they dont want me to see dr levy and they say a check in call every once in a while is fine, but dont see her regularly. she asks if she can send the safety plan we drafted to my mom and i say ok. megan asks if i have any more questions. i say no for now. she says awesome and that she’ll see me on monday to finish the admission process.

1:57 we hang up. i sanitize and take off my gloves and sanitize again.

2:01 i fill out the release form and send to janet. i sanitize twice. i used my glove like a napkin only part of the time

dr levy calls 3:35. she tells me she is proud of me and i am one of the few patients she has that actually practices exposure therapy on my own and comes up with strategies myself to fight my ocd. she says i will get through this. 9:16 me is sobbing while typing this and 3:40 me was sobbing while talking to her. she says she will talk to dr bergman snd see if i can see her if non ocd stuff come up. i just want a hug

3:47 we hang up i cry more


i zone out and cry. i go on instagram mainly


6:01 texting spencer crying hard again. i miss them so much. i got northern cafe as takeout and ate too much because i was so hungry. i cant touch anything rn besides my food and my phone. i wanna play sims but im so scared


i love spencer so much. i miss them. i miss my friend. i want to see them and get a hug. they give such good hugs. crying so hard from today and me missing them is making me cry harder. we dont text a lotcuz they take a bit to reply but when we do its so fun. i get to hang out on sunday on zoom. im so excited. i miss them so mych spencer i LOVE YOU !!!!!!


6:40 i facetime spencer. i play the sims and they draw. 7:30 we hang up

7:38 i facetime nat. we catch up. i miss her so much too


7:43 my mom texts me about how im doing. i tell her about the mandatory safety plan that they will send her. she asks if i also have a plan with my roommates. i tell her i have plans for them too. i tell her im face timing nat and i trade messages back and forth between them.

8:00~ i go get water and we say hi to mimi and sam. i take my effexor and methylfolate.

8:53 we hang up

9:00 ace is making tea but then we call. spending a lot of time with friends today so i feel less alone. not typing here. feeling better but crying a lot. when im not talking to someone i feel my body shake and i start crying. im drinking water to try and rehydrate. i feel my whole body tremble


ive been playing the sims and its fun but i cant use my laptop if im not calling someone. ive been on the phone with someone all day im dissociating now that im not on phone 9:15




9:20 not counting sanitize because too much and too tired. calling with ace now starting zoom meeting might play sims afterwards. practicing exposure therapy with laptop is good. it wont kill me. i WANT to be able to use my laptop. i can do this. i can get better. i am typing right now and it is not killing me. im crying again but imtouching my laptop.


it feels like its burning me when i touch it and poisoning me. it’s not doing that. it’s not hurting me. it’s just my brain telling me these funny things.


it helps when i type that out. it’s just my brain telling me that. this is really helping. its much better than trying to say it out loud. the laptop is still poisoning but i can breathe better. it’s not hurting me. i am fine. i am not dying. my hands feel like they are going to fall off but it’s just stress.


i can get through it. i can do it. i might not fill in the information from today. i can’t do it im sorry. listing every out is really triggering. maybe tomorrow i can write down what i did today. just writing this down is a lot. i had to say the same thing to every doctor so ill just do a summary LMAO of what i said every time


9:26 papa texts me i start crying again. ace is in the zoom

2132003787


9:25 papa texts me about my day. i

9:27 i call ace.


12:17 we watched two episodes of ghost stories two ep of mob psycho. saving last two of mob psycho for another time. now we are watching wonder egg priority. we r both ugly crying.


its about a girl thats trying to bring her friend back after she kills herself. ace and i are both think of what would happen if either of us ever attempted and succeeded. i dont want to lost my best friend. i love them so much.


ive been sobbing all daymy face hurts so bad i have a headache. its hard to be orderly and think of the time when you’re overwhelmed. tired. ace asks if i want to stop but i want to keep watching with them. this anime is making me cry so hard. death is really hard for me.


thinking about family trauma around people dying at 15. making me cry more. second episode is happier.

12:42 we finish the second episode. ace is ready to go to sleep

i text ace tahnk you for being my friend. i love them so much. i start sobbing again

12:44 we end. cry hard head hurts


ok no more sims im gonna summarize what we talked about today. i talked to therapist nurse and psychiatrist today


reason why im there: mental health severely impairing my daily functioning, currently mainly based around ocd symptoms

medication im taking: 200mg lamictal, 25mg effexor, 400mg methylfolate, 1mg risperdal, 40mg testosterone ( suspended )

medications ive had averse reactions to: zoloft and all ssris, klonopin

mental health medications i remember being on before: celexa, lexapro, prozac, seroquel, most likely others but i can’t remember. we used to keep a spreadsheet of all the medications i was taking or had taken previously but it’s been a while. i am missing many.

mental health history: started seeing a therapist psycholoist and psychiatrist as part of my clinical team in 2013, stuck with therapist until now. worked on mainly anxiety and depression, was later diagnosed with ocd in 2015 or so. mainly was dealing with chronic pain and mental health aggravating said pain.

hospitalized 2016 for suicidal thoughts and plans. inpatient for 73 days, rest of summer in iop, had to change school.

attempted in 2017

2018 ocd becomes major issue

2019 compusions get worse. i get as far as preparing to attempt but manage to stop right before attempting. both instances were impulsive and driven by intrusive thoughts

2020 ocd gets worse

2021 partial hospitalization program at rogers. decision to not be hospitalized after 2016 because of triggers in hospital worsening my mental health

list of current compulsions / rituals / thoughts

dr wang talked to me about schizophrenic symptoms as well and i replied honestly but i truly believe my experiences with psychosis and lapses of memory in 2016 and 2019 were based on aggravated ocd.


i think that’s it. i had to say that three times today lmao. and we talked about family trauma about my grandmother dying when my mom was 15 and uhhhh im trying to remember what else. we talked about making plans in case i become suicidal to the point of actually planning or wanting to attempt. we talk about my brief mania episodes and i explain about how its probably just from trying to expend energy to combat ocd symptoms. we talk about my depression and how it might not be as apparent due to fatigue from ocd ( my thoughts not theirs lmao ). we talk about my drug use and my agreement to stay sober during the course of the program ( i will do so besides watching star wars with mimi tomorrow ). i give them the whole list of drugs i do and i explain to them what poppers are.


the program is going to be all exposure based so ill probably have time to type down notes during it but we will see. im gonna do my best but it might be less detailed than im doing right now and im not gonna push it. but im gonna work hard. the structure is group check in, individual exposure work with three 15-20minute check ins with megan, lunch break, group therapy, finish individual work, group check-out. on monday megan will spend extra time with me to finish my admission process and i might spend more time with dr wang for the admission process.


i let them know that i do have a support network and when im doing bad i do reach out, and that i have coping mechanisms in place to help. they are glad that i know to reach out when i feel more unsafe or out of control. im glad too. that’s why i texted and called with so many people today. i am so grateful i have friends. i used to not have good friends. they were good but i didnt let them in. they didn’t really grow with me. npw i have friends that truly work with me and understand me, and im more myself now. i have a genuine support system and people that i can trust. means a lot. never thought i would have this irl. only ever thought i could have this online.


i am typing on my laptop now no gloves and i can do it. a lot of my fears i do my best to work through but it’s exhausting. im already working on xposure therapy myself and getting started before the program starts. i want to get better and i want to get out of this program as soon as possible.


1:22am ok im done typing for tonight i think. i havent been writing about how much i sanitize but i gave myself a break on that. i wasnt doing it too much while on calls or using my laptop but i still did it pretty regularly. thats ok. ill count tomorrow and be gently with myself about it. i want to make sure that it doesn’t become a compulsion to count. right now it isn’t because sometimes i forget or usually i live out my day and then i take a break and write everything down - i dont have to stop and immediately write it down or something bad will happen. it’s just nice to keep a log.

switching to my phone for the end of the night. im going to keep this under march 12th just so its all in one place even if it’s technically the 13th. heehee im breaking my rules.


1:24 sanitizing turning off light. not bothering to write anything more tonight. i missed a lot of things but i was crying a lot and panicking and i needed a break. so tired. gonna sleep in hopefully. good night. i hope people dont read this. idk why im writing this down. but whatever. maybe ill post and lock it so no one sees heehee. i dont want people knowing this shit about me but i promised to write it down. stop reading this and go read about my sim instead he is much more interesting