9:06 i wake up. my neighbors are plsying reggaeton. its comforting. last night i picked at my scabs and bit at the dead skin. i tried masturbating but i ended up just scratching around my vagina because it felt really good.

my dream is in bits and pieces. the reggaeton is making it harder to remember. there was a moment where tiktok people were bringing back nostalgia toys and i was happy that they were supporting the businesses. i was walking in a park and something was pushed over. my dad bough us a custom statue of him hugging us at a park bench. its me in third grade with my long hair and my brother in first grade and my mom. we sit next to it and he hugs us. he cries gently and we mimic the statue. i dont remember the rest the music knocked it out of my brain

9:07 i split my lip

9:08 i pick at the zit on my face. i open front camera to check it out. my entire side of my face is red and angry and it stings.

9:17 i check instagram and respond to mentos comments

9:26 i check my mail. blick confirmed my order


12:30 i wake up again. i fell back asleep. i spend a few minutes zoning out

12:36 i check my phone and go on instagram. i go through mentos illness comments. people think i made a misogynistic meme. they dont get that i found it but i dont care enough to respond. i respond to dannah’s comments.

12:53 i exit instagram and check mail. nothing new. i go to messages. mimi isnt ready to start star wars until four. spencer and i plan out hanging out tomorrow. augustina sent me a tiktok.

12:58 i type down my dream. i dreamt of an anime where they humanized the solar system and the sun has shoulder length golden glowing hair that fans out and lights up when she has emotional reactions. they all sit at a dinner table together. earth is tall and the moon is short and she has a crush on him but he doesnt know. venus is hot but smokes a lot so they avoid him cuz the air around him makes them cough. jupiter kept changing from being really fat and really buff. there wasnt too much of any attention given to the other planets in my dream.

i had another dream and im trying really hard to remember it but im failing. i remember. i was grocery shopping with my dad and someone else. we were at a mall and there was a movie playing in a theater in the foyer area. my friend wanted to watch but somehow we all are in a convenience store. we buy two things and then my friend grabs a blue candy bar its kind of square and has a waffle looking thing on the label. she tosses it into the shopping cart and we confidently leave. i steal a twix but that happens randomly and not part of the timeline. we go to northgate and are shopping. theres a sample lady but we ignore her to look at a wall of cheese. my dad complains that there are too many options and that this is the problem with smaller grocery stores. i try and remind him that northgate is a chain but we get into an argument. i ask if he just prefers generic brands. we argue and i notice theres swiss slices and shredded gouda and other cheeses. we have a bunch of produce bags in our cart and leave.

theres a guy watching a movie and has three d glasses. he laughs and eats popcorn. i realize its a four d movie as the legs of his seat do the thing like in the mummy ride at universal studios to make it feel like theres bugs.

im at a wedding. someone has purple hair. this was related to the mall but i cant remember how. was my friend the bride ? augustina was there painting. the bride and groom are angry. she has teal hair but it wasnt wendy. she goes to eat at a table with another bride. theres two people on the beach. the wedding happens but not with the bride. she has a girlfriend now. i make out with a stranger i think i dont remember. i dont remember that part well i think at one point i was underwater in a pool.

that’s what i remember

1:12 i finish typing my dream. i remember that at my screenings yesterday they asked the last time i showered. i was honest and said thirteen days ago, and i had to drive to my house in huntington beach because i hadnt showered in over two weeks before then. im scared of the shower. i also did laundry at home because it had been over a month.

1:15 milner is saying their goodbyes before they go on the ski trip with their dad and sister. they walk into my room without asking snd i freak but internally. we kiss our fingers and wave them at each other. i dont touch milner because i havent sanitized yet. milner leaves. my anxiety has risen. i remember i wasnt able to brush my teeth last night. my mouth feels gross.

1:22 i check instagram and sanitize. my lip is so dry again. i drink so much water though.

1:26 i check twitter

1:44 i went back to instagram a bit ago. i announce out loud that i want to kill myself

1:47 i go on instagram. i actively stop myself from posting that i want to kill myself on mentos

1:48 i sanitize

1:49 i stretch and try to crack my back snd fail. my shoulders are tingly now. i check my mail

1:50 i get up and sanitize. i go change my slippers and take my water glass with me

1:51 i go use my shirt to turn on the light and i change slippers and use my shirt to close the front and back bathroom door. i put my water glass on the shelf. yesterday while freaking out i lined the seat with toilet paper to use it. today i compromise and wipe it down with a little bit of toilet paper. if i keep lining it then i won’t be able to stop and i need to nip it in the bud asap.

1:52 i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i brush my teeth.

1:54 i rinse my mouth and wash my face. i think i rinsed my hands i cant remember. i sit down on the toilet and pee

1:55 i get up. i wipe and i dont wipe down the seat. i use toilet paper to flush. im starting my own exposure therapy to get myself used to it. i go to the sink and wash twenty seconds as a compromise to the ritual. i tie up my pants and use my shirt to exit the bathroom. i grab my water glass

1:56 sam is cutting some meat and cheese at the kitchen counter. his back is to me. i use the bottom of my glass to turn off the light. i use my shirt to open the fridge and my bare hand to grab and pour some water. i sip it. i decide to eat the last of the brownie and i use my bare hand.

1:57 i finish eating my brownie. i use my shirt to help bring the tray to the sink. sam finishes cutting his meat and cheese and takes it to the table on the cutting board

1:58 i drink the rest of my water. i try not to use my fingertips instead of running to my room to sanitize. i use my shirt to open the fridge and i grab the milk with my bare hand and use the middle of my fingers to open it. i pour some in my glass and drink it.

1:59 i finish and close the milk. i put it back in the fridge and close it with my shirt. then i decide to get water and i open the fridge with my shirt again. i grab the water with the middles of my fingers and i pour a bit of water in. i sip that to get the milk out of my glass. then i pour more water and drink that. then i pour a full glass of water.

2:00 i drink some water and then close the fridge with my shirt. i realize sam is watching me.

2:01 i go to my room and change slippers and sip my water. i sanitize

2:02 i take my effexor and methylfolate.

2:03 i go sanitize and then change my shirt. i talk myself through touching the clothes.

2:04 i get back into bed and sanitize. i start typing

2:14 i scratch my head. i know i smell.

2:16 i finish typing. trying not to sanitize. it wont hurt me. there is no contamination from my phone. i am talking myself through the maybe game. i imagine my phone glowing with a calm relaxing light. it is purifying me

2:17 i still want to sanitize. im scared if i go off my phone ill immediately sanitize

2:18 im putting down my phone

2:20 i sanitize but going a full four minutes without sanitizing is a huge victory. i talked myself through breathing and i looked at my hands and told myself there was no dirt. i imagined someone holding my shoulders and telling me there was no dirt. i want to sanitize again but im gonna fight it again.

2:23 i go on instagram instead of sanitizing. i can feel the contagion on my fingers but im working on telling myself that it isn’t there.

2:24 i send augustina a meme. i think about hanging out with spencer on sunday. my hands feel better

2:25 i scratch my head and rub my eyes and eyebrow

2:26 i sanitize and go on my laptop no gloves. im going to try something

2:27 if being on a call with friends helps me, maybe playing calming voices will help me. i turn on the great british breaking show to help calm me down from using sanitizer.

2:28 this is the seaosn with ruby. im in love with her.

2:29 mimi comes into my room without asking. she wants to show me a photo of her painting. i sanitize to look at her phone. she says i don’t have to but i want to try. she shows me the car. it looks amazing and i tell her. i hand the phone back and sanitize again

2:30 we talk about her painting. she wants to work on the movie theater more and she knows she won’t finish this weekend. we talk about time and how she can take her time today and it’s no rush. she’s going to go eat and we might postmates something at like 8 or 9 tonight.

2:31 she leaves my room to go eat. i don’t sanitize but instead type out the conversation. i take my time and enjoy watching the bakers. this was my show in high school that helped me with my mental health.

2:35 i finish typing and watch a bit

2:37 i minimize it so i just hear the voices. they calm me down. it’s like when i listen to A.G. Cook in the car. i was right to try this

2:38 i start the Sims up

2:39 i’m going to play the sims now. i sanitize. im going to try and not sanitize while playing so that way i dont jump back and forth between notes. sam is getting a snack in the kitchen and mimi is talking to him about her painting

2:40 the sims open up. the great british baking show voices are so soothing.

3:19 the next episode of great british baking show plays. it is the quarterfinals. ruby won the last episode. i havent sanitized yet !

3:45 i scratch my shoulders and armpits. still havent sanitized. very proud of myself. im going to sanitize and take a break from the sims and check my phone

3:46 i go on my phone. i text with ace. they are having trouble because their mom turned off their music while they were doing their rituals. i send back encouraging messages because I understand how important music is.

3:48 i go on instagram and i crop a meme and post it to mentos.

3:56 i sanitize and grab my laptop charge and plug it in and then sanitize again. my lip hurts. i take a minute and notice how im not dead after plugging in my laptop

3:58 gonna sanitize and then play the sims again and then practice not sanitizing some more

4:12 i scratch my face and head

4:17 i scratch my face head and neck and ears

4:18 i scratch my back

4:20 i pull my laptop onto my back and move back so my back rests against my headboard and has my pillow for support. i sanitize my hands. doing really well ! the tv show is helping so much.

4:21 i text ace back. they say thank you. i tell them to remember that they are not dumb !!!! i start the sims again and scratch my eyebrow

4:26 i scratch my head and face

4:30 mimi calls out to sam that she’s emptied it out. she appears in front of my door with a pile of towels. she must’ve been talking about the laundry room. mimi tells me that she is going to call it a day at 5. i tell her not to worry and if she needs to go outside or take a break after painting before we start watching then it’s ok. mimi laughs and says she forgot she could go outside. she’s been painting for five hours straight. she says she has the idea of putting a mannequin in front of the storefront in her painting and wants to keep including that in her paintings. she walks away to keep working.

4:33 netflix was slowing down my cmputer so i had to exit out its still laging quit a bite. i go on my phone and check instagram briefly before i put netflix on my phone and i go back to my laptop. its stopped lagging now

4:35 i go back to the sims without sanitizing !!!! i push up my glasses

4:53 i rub my hair and the back of my head and my nose

4:56 i scratch my nose and crack my neck

5:06 i hear mimi and sam outside and the sink. i think mimi is washing her brushes. season three of the great british baking show starts

5:19 mimi goes to my doorway and announces that she’s quit her painting for today. i congratulate her and tell her that it’s a really good skill to learn. she asks me if i want to walk around the block with her and i tell her not today. i dont want to go outside today. mimi decides that she’s gonna go for a ten minute walk

5:21 she leaves my doorway. i hear her say that the weather is cold

5:22 i hear the door close. i think she headed out. i sanitize and check my messages on my laptop

5:23 ace texts me thank me and that they love me. i text back that i love them. i love them so much. i hear a door outside again i think but im unsure. i go back to the sims

5:25 mimi appears in my doorway again. she didn’t go outside but rather to her room to change clothes. she says she’ll be back in ten to fifteen and say thank you to me for reminding her that there is an outside she can go enjoy

5:27 mimi leaves out the front door

5:36 i scratch my head and ear

5:40 mimi appears in front of my door. she is done walking and is going to go change and get ready. i say yes i will leave my bed.

5:42 i save and exit the sims. i rub my nose and sanitize

5:43 i turn off the great british baking show. i see that i have a text from sam and a text from ace to me and kon. the sims closes down and i sanitize and close my laptop and move it off of my lap

5:45 i exit netflix and check my messages. ace heart reacted to my i love you text. we text in the group chat about my wholesome thirst about mondo.

5:46 mimi says she only has stuff for gin and tonics. i say i dont mind. sam sent me a text about a lil sebastian crewneck.

5:47 i get up and change slippers and go outside with my hand sanitizer and glass. mimi is making us gin and tonics.

5:48 mimi says she doesnt have lime. i think she says wine and i say i have a bottle of wine and then realize i misunderstood

5:49 mimi brings out ice and worries we dont have enough. i think we’ll be fine. i use my shirt to open the fridge and i pour myself water with my bare hand. i sanitize after. mimi talks about how at some point she’ll switch from drinking gin to drinking water snd i laugh.

5:50 mimi finishes making them and i choose the more square glass. i go sit down on the red chair and mimi beings me the ottoman. she was using it to work out. i say thank you

5:52 mimi asks me to pull up the movie. we talk about how we ignore the new ones. we are starting with the prequels this time around.

5:53 i pull up the phanthom menace. i pull up deinkung rules as mimi sits down

6:08 i was running around i printed the rules for mimi and my’s drinking games. i touched my laptop without sanitizing and i printed. we were out of printing paper so i filled in new paper and pressed continue.

6:09 i go grab a pen dont change slippers i write down the names of the pisodds and hand to mimi dont sanirize

6:10 i start

6:24 we order daves hot chicken. im so fucking excited. im already buzzed because i hsvent really eaten today   i had go transfer money but its ok because my coaxial money comes in soon wooooo

6:25 mimi venmos me. i start the movie

7:00 mimi makes us more drinks. im buzzed. i go up sanitize and eat part of my beef roll cuz my stomach is grumpy. i put it back snd then go grab my water and ger more water using my shirt to ipen fridge but i dint sanitize. thpis cuz im typing super fast. ok ok food coming soon playing now

7:21 i pausw the movie at the podracers. mimi goes to pee. our food is arriving soon

7:22 its been delivered. i go gwt ir. i love being drunk no need to sanitize just fun

7:23 THEY GAVE US EXTRA TENDER ORDER. its mine cuz i paid the tip. i eat my meal fast. mimi says its the best tender she’s ever had. thank u daves hot chicken

7:39 we go back to star wars. mimi heads out to pee. i catch up on texts from ace and wendy. wendy thinks that matt the bachelor is bad at sex and i agree

7:40 we save the extra meal for later. mimi is back from peeing

7:41 start again. podracer time

8:50 we finish episode i. we drank four shots worth of gin. drinking a lot of water. darth maul is so fucking fine i want his ass.