Rudy Falagán MONDAY - MARCH 15
12:13 im stressed out. vibrating. i sanitize
12:14 i start typing. wendy comes over and we talk about how the star wars movies are really bad. its so fun.
12:16 she leaves and i keep typing
12:26 done typing. i feel gross. i have to check obey me. i scratch my neck. i touched too many things today. i want to cry. putting myself through exposure therapy is exhausting. i hope having people help me makes it a bit easier.
12:28 i dont know if i can do it. so what if i cant go grocery shopping or shower and i just had a panic attack cuz i touched a plate. its fine i just need to. finish my thesis. i just need to go. keep going. i cant sustain this. im so tired. im so tired. im so tired. im so tired. ace is texting. so tired. sleep
12:38 i catch up on obey me and sanitize. even my phone is hard to use rn. so tired. check mail texting ace about higurashi
12:46 been on instagram. text ace about how im scared for tomorrow. im scared to sleep. my ears are burning hot
12:49 textinf ace. set my alarms for tomorrow. crying hard. wendy on facetime with jamie. shes always awake idk how wendy does it
12:50 i text ace goodnight. gonna turn off light sanitize then sleep
1:04 i just read a bunch of creepypastas. now i wont be able to sleep. i cant stop thinking about the creature on my back. he isnt there right now but he’s in the corner of my room. he’s crouched. i can feel. if i close my eyes he will attack. i think ace is asleep. wendy is awake but will she hear if i die.
1:18 wendy texts roommates if we’ve seen her package. i started watching the ted bundy miniseries on netflix again. it actually helps me believe less that he is stalking me because i think its funny how glorified he is in this one.
1:31 i finish episode one and go on instagram. creature still in corner about to jump
1:58 texting ace about the creature. ace says the presence isnt the creature but its them astral projecting to protect me. im going to imagine them there and my dog on my bed. goodnight im gonna try and sleep
2:55 cant sleep. too warm. took off all clothes. change slippers went outside to check heater but it’s off. grabbed more water bare hands for everything. gonna sanitize n sleep. put on my big shirt to go outside but im taking it off again. im sweltering. dreaming of someone protecting me from the creatures in my room
7:45 wake up. took me a Long time to fall asleep after my last entry. i had a dream but i’m stressed and can’t remember it i’m so sorry. maybe it’ll come to me later today but my mind is racing from therapy starting.
7:50 turn off alarm
8:00 turn off alarm
8:15 ok. gonna get water. i check instagram briefly and ace messaged me but i dont respond yet.
8:16 changed slippers got water shirt for fridge handle. mimi was making breakfast n i said good morning
8:17 went to bathroom used nail for lights and stuff. washed hands ten seconds no ritual then brushed teeth
8:19 finished and rinsed mouth and washed my face and washed hands ten seconds no ritual. sat down on toilet and peed
8:20 got up wiped used new toilet paper to wipe seat and flush then washed hands ten seconds no ritual
8:21 used shirt to go outside and changed slippers and turned off light with nail. i said good morning to mimi and we chatted very briefly about starting our day. she was eating breakfast
8:22 i go back to my room and turn on my light. i go to my bed and sanitize my hands then go put on my face oil then come back and sanitize
8:23 i put my black glove on my right hand and use it to log in. i take it off and sanitize twice.
8:24 checked emails. have two emails for times today so im gonna use the most recent link
8:27 i jumped up to use my vaseline then went back to my bed
8:28 i open up photobooth to see how i looked then raced to my desk no slippers to put concealer on my acne scar
8:29 there’s two links to use for group check in this morning so i choose the most recent one and it was the right one
8:31 im let into the group. scared
8:32 everyone seems nice. i sanitize
8:41 a summary - i wasn’t sure if i had to fill out check in before or during group so i did it as we talked and tried to follow along. they let me go last in reading my check in. they were all really nice. i think i sanitized five times but i tried really hard not to. and two of the times i managed to just tap the head of the sanitizer instead.
check in:
depression rating: 0 last night: 3
avoidance: 3 last night: 4
rumination: 5 last night: 5
self harming thoughts: 0 last night: 1
homicidal thoughts: 0 last night: 0
eat dinner: yes
brush teeth this morning: yes
shower within the last 24hr: no
last time i showered: 16 days ago
did i eat breakfast: no
last time i ate breakfast: not sure how to answer the question. ate dinner at around 9pm
hours slept: 5 or less
suicidal ideation: no
depression: 3 last night: 3
anxiety: 5 last night: 3
8:42 we end. we go off to our individual exposure times and i write this down. i sanitize. spencer sent me an image from their discord and i react.
8:49 i fart
8:52 i fart
8:54 i check my check-in page and write down the date, 3:15. i sanitize
8:57 i sanitize
8:58 i sanitize
9:02 i finish writing this down. i check my daily assignments.
9:03 i open my mail. i plug in my phone to charge and turn off low power mode so it stays on. i sanitize
9:06 im reading the ERP handout she sent me. i fart. i don’t sanitize when switching to my phone
9:10 i finish reading. i sanitize. my hands sting.
9:11 i set up my RetrainOCD app that megan sent me. it takes a bit because i have to download some stuff and make a login
9:15 i write down 10 threat words:
death, grime, trash, poison, technology, hair, contamination, creature, shower, germs
10 neutral words: psychic, rain, light, dog, paint, book, elephant, paper, earring, bubble
there were 320 trials and I had to press E and F depending on which letter flashed on the screen in between words. they either appeared above or below the plus sign in the middle. my vision is pretty bad up close because i need new glasses and my astigmatism got worse but i managed. i think i got 3 or 4 wrong. my reaction times definitely slowed for the threat words
9:29 i finish. i was rushing at the end and got 2 wrong definitely because of that. i was worried about how much time had passed and that i’d be late for megan at 9:50. i was lucky that it only took about 15 minutes. i start typing it down and sanitize
9:36 i finish typing that down
9:37 i start building my exposure hierarchy list
9:43 i sanitize. my anxiety is getting bad. im taking a break before 9:50 when i see megan. i want to sanitize again but i’m working on not doing it.
9:45 i fart. pizza made me gassy ;( i pay mimi back on venmo
9:46 i wifi request everyone on venmo. i check instagram
9:48 watching kit fisto fancam. go to google to find kit fitso shirtless fight
9:49 exit to get to teams meeting with megan. sanitize. i join
9:50 megan lets me in
9:51 megan asks me if i’m ok with the person shadowing her joining us for therapy sessions and i say ok. we chat a bit about what i did this weekend and she’s glad i did some fun things.
9:53 the person joins. she looks really unhappy and bored and it freaks me out but i stay quiet. i regret letting her on the call. megan goes into more assessment questions. i respond that i have not been in a domestic abuse situation, and that i do not have problems with drinking. we talk about if i have homicidal ideation and i say no. i think that was it
9:58 we finish the assessment. megan talks to me about the app and reading and i say i did them already. she laughs when i tell her that i wasn’t sure how much i needed to have done for our meeting. we talk about the exposure hierarchy and i ask her questions. i ask if i need to rank them right now and if there’s a limit as to how many i put down. she says not yet and no limit. we talk about ranking in terms of anxiety before and during the task and to consider both. i ask about anxiety after and she says to consider that too. i ask if there’s anything specific to do if i need breaks or finish a task today and she says to do something enjoyable or try and do an ADL ( activity of daily living ) that i haven’t gotten to yet.
10:09 i finish with megan. the rain is making me cold as hell. i sanitize and wrap a blanket around my shoulders and get comfy for the mindfulness activity she put on my task list. i start typing it out
10:10 i fart
10:18 i finish typing. i look at her email and my schedule for the day
10:20 megan emailed me the anxiety scale for my hierarchy list. i email megan back thanking her and also asking about the lunchtime hang-out email i got and just checking that it was mandatory
10:22 i check instagram
10:24 i go to my exposure hierarchy doc again and try to think of more. i sanitize
10:26 i fart
10:29 i sanitize
10:31 i go to take a selfie on instagram but im so fucking ugly i can’t. megan emails back that lunchtime hangout is optional.
10:32 i’m trying to think of more tasks i avoid. there’s a lot. i fart. i hate being gassy.
10:36 i take a break and go on instagram
10:41 i check messages. i need to get my medication delivered to me or at least try and go to cvs
10:42 back to exposure list. i sanitize
10:44 ive sanitized three more times. i want to sanitize again but i stop myself
10:45 i fart. this is so hard. i actually want to end it all.
10:48 i sanitize. i held out for a bit there !!
10:50 i check instagram and send a meme to ace. wendy is getting very heated on her zoom call and i can’t tell if it’s excitement or frustration. i scratch my eyebrow
10:52 i see an insane comment on mentos illness. i text ace about it. hierarchy is hard. have to take a lot of breaks. anxiety about it + anxiety from computer = bigggggg anxiety
10:54 i sanitize
10:55 i go to web registration and drop after effects. i email jean about it apologizing. this is really for the better. i need to focus on my treatment
11:00 i fart
11:01 i finish and sanitize. i’m so shaky rn. i don’t feel good about dropping because I don’t like giving up.
11:02 i go on my phone and find the mindfulness link megan sent me to do
11:03 i start
11:07 i complete the mindfulness activity. i get antsy but i do it. i tap my laptop to wake it up again and rub my finger against my leg but it still feels dirty
11:08 i scratch my head
11:10 i go on instagram
11:12 i pull my laptop closer to me and plug in the charger. i sanitize
11:15 i start ranking my exposure hierarchy. i sanitize
11:25 i went to art 362’s google drive to see what readings i needed to do for tomorrow but i forgot there’s midterm presentations
11:31 i sanitize
11:39 reading through the first week of my diaries before i sent to thesis committee
11:41 i scratch my head
11:51 i pick my nose. dont need to sanitize. my diaries r rlly fun to read. im gonna send to my thesis committee after group therapy. gonna do sims day 2 as well
11:52 i sanitizw
11:54 i fart twice. six minute til group. ive made docs for day 2 and 3 of the sins
11:56 i make a google drive for my logs
11:58 i realize i made my docs in the wrong account. im just gonna remake them i think or ill fix it later. gotta go to group. ace texted but ill text back after group
12:00 i sanitize twice and join
12:03 marcus from the IOP program came to give a presentation he was not prepared for as part of his social anxiety exposure therapy. it was about disc golf and i found it really interesting but he only had three minutes.
12:21 we are playing kahoot i sanitize
12:37 i wanna kill myself. i wanna kms so bad. i need to be over. i need to done i want to get oht i want to get out i want to kill myself please end it end it all please
12:50 we finish kahoot. i had a rlly back tick and couldnt stop tapping my finger the entire time
12:56 we end group. i was put on the spot at the end and i just said hello. i got 2nd in kahoot for both rounds. lily is leaving. the rule is we can’t contact the person until we leave. im gonna start going to lunch groups so i feel less alone and can meet more people.
12:57 i fart
12:59 losing my mind. so stressed. today is so much. im shaky baby. i want to throw up. my room is so cluttered. im freaking out. augustina texted im going to respond to her and ace who texted a bit ago.
1:00 augustina is texting me about greg lindquist. i am ecstatic. im glad i got over being down bad for her already. that was a shit few days there. i can’t be a straggot right now i have to get mentally stable first
1:01 i text ace about the insane comment on mentos. i check insta and the conversation went even crazier. i screenshot and send again
1:02 jay texts mentos. i sent the message to Julián and i screenshot his text to me and black out the rest then post to my insta story. i look at the anakin fancam i posted this morning. he’s so fine
1:11 i check my mail. i need to finish my google drive as my own exposure therapy
1:17 ive been on instagram i fart
1:18 i fart again. i hate how pizza makes me feel but its so delicious
1:19 i went outside my room i put on my black glove on my right hand and changed slippers and took my water glass with me.
1:20 i used my glove to pour myself water. i decide to eat my leftover dan dan noodles so i take out the container. i hesitate setting it down because of the dirty table contaminating it but i do. i go and grab a plastic fork. i wore only one glove to keep me from sanitizing and it sucks but its smart.
1:21 i open the noodles and sit down and eat
1:24 sam comes outside his room and says “wait” then he opens the door and exits the house.
1:25 i finish and throw the container and fork away. i go to my room and set down my water and hear mimis voice. i come back out and see her with grocery bags. i say hi.
1:26 im about to go back into my room but i decide i need to practice being outside of my room when stressed. i stand there and talk with mimi. her graduation gown arrived. she rented it just in case there was an in person event. i hadn’t done that a) i forgot b) i assumed it would all be online. mimi says she can keep the tassel but gets disappointed that it’s just plain black with no 2021 on it.
1:27 i tell her i quit after effects and she’s excited. she says the joy of quitting a class is good but i only feel sad. i really want to be in that class. i just can’t. mimi talks about how her critique is on wednesday now and how she had to sit through three hours of critique without talking about her piece. welcome to art school.
1:28 i decide to go back to my room because my energy bar is so close to running out. so tired. i change slippers take off my glove with my shirt so i dont touch it and then go on my bed and sanitize.
1:29 i start typing but then go on instagram to distract my brain cuz im stressed
1:34 off insta now and i keep typing
1:41 caught up. four minutes til meeting with megan. i have questions for her about exposure hierarchy and about stress if not doing responses and how that factors in. i sanitize and go on my laptop
1:42 i go and start moving sims logs to my drive folder
1:45 i sanitize three times and go to my therapy meeting with megan
1:46 meeting still hasnt started
1:47 i hear wendy come out. she sam and mimi are making lunch and chatting. im so stressed out
1:48 i check my email and i have one from megan. teams is down and she will be calling me shortly to wrap up my day. s
2:02 i sanitized four times
2:21 i sanitize finally. i finished the ocd checklist. im gonna nap
2:22 i sanitize and close my laptop i lay and pull my covers up
2:54 ive been texting papa and ace. read covid updated on new york times. so tired. set alarm
( 4:18 me writing this wonderful flashback ) i woke up at 3:45 and i was on instagram and texting my brother. at 3:53 i went on my email and found the zoom link for alicia. i sanitized and wore my black glove to open and click on my laptop.
4:00 i join. we discuss me dropping my class and an incomplete class i need to email thomas about. i learn there is a commencement book. i look at it and see a link to a form to file a name change.
4:04 we end. i take off my black glove and start looking through my files to find my name change form. i run to grab my wallet and grab at my clothes on the ground to find it no gloves no slippers i find it. i take a photo of my license. i go back to my bed and sanitize i crop it and airdrop it to my laptop. i attach it and write the email and send.
4:10 i sign the safety release form megan sent my mom and i.
4:11 i send a booster email to jwest about applying for discovery scholar.
4:12 im bouncing off the walls
4:13 i sanitize and change slippers and go outside. i want to talk with someone. i don’t remember if i touched the door or not. there is no one outside and i stand there looking around
4:14 i go to the bathroom i change slippers i think i touched the light cant remember. toilet paper to open seat and i sit down.
4:15 i go #1 and 2. i check instagram
( end flashback )
4:18 HELLO !!!!!!!!!! HUGE BURST OF ENERGY. i feel neurotypical. this is joy. this is gonna last like ten minutes i am Vibrating i am seeing color anew. everything is wonderful.
4:26 ive been typing. did you know 1 in 50 adults have ocd ? thats fucking crazy. i hate that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not alone and i want to help others it was so nice today seeing other people with ocd and knowing they were all here too. i am so happy. i smell so bad i want to shower maybe if im manic like this i can shower what if i shower right now no towel i can do it i can do it im doing it im doing it im doin gir
4:39 i want to die i want. i want. i i i i i djdjdjjd i i. nnnn. jnnbn ndjdjjdndnd d d dnd. i. i did d dnndd i did it so hard so bad feel so bad so cold so gross it hurt ir hurt im so cold co cold i did it i did it in cryinng. im in bed im crying that was so much i cant do it i cant do it i cand do it i did it but i cant do it i want to die i want to die i want to sie im so dirty again im so dietyy im sirt im dirty im dirty
i sanirize six times when i got to bed after i start typinf its not. its not exposure properly if i sanitize but i need it i need it i didnt mean to flood myself i just. i smelled bad and my brain gets impulsive when i get energy and i just jumped in i jumped in the shower and there was so many water droplet and i saw my hair and i felt my body and i bumped the wall and i wanted to cry i washed my butt and i had to do handwashing ritual in shower i saw everything i couldnt look down i was so cramped i wanted to shave but couldnt i couldnt do it i was in i couldnt stay in i condition wash it righr out jump out so dirty its so dirty the shower is so dirty it will never be clean its so small so dirty so small bad bad bad bad bad bad and then i only had small towels i use kitchen towel thats for handwashing to wipe myself i see myself in mirror all my acne scars on my back im so ugly so ugly im fat and ugly i dont need to be alive i dont want this body i hate this body i hate my fat i hate my skin im so ugly why am i so ugly i go go go go go go go my clothes are on the ground theyr edirty theyre poisoned they will kill me they are so gross so gross so gross i manage to put on my sweatpants and i grab my boxers and underwear with paper towel i change slippers run to room change slippers throw them in dirty clothes corner run sanitize three times i put vaseline on lips oil on face im freaking out i find tshirt i put it on im shaking i start crying now i am here. i sit down
4:46 im vibrating im tremblinf so bad. im poisoned im goinf to die. im goinf to die. the shower is gonna kill me its gonna kill me its gonna kille me my hands are burning theyre stinging theyre gonna fall off theyre gonna kill me im gonna. im gonna text ace im gonna breathe. im so scared of dying. im so tired. so tired.
energy gone. stop vibratinf. everything slowed down. so slow. my hands burn so much. it hurts. i’m going to go text ace just to say i showered.
4:48 i hear sam go to the bathroom. we share. i forgot. dirty. hes dirty. too much dirt and germs. i see it in the water. i see it the water is dirty. i hate it. so tired. so tired. insane thirty minutes. dissociatinf. muscles slow. brb.
4:57 texted ace. energy back. texted my dad about my class. sam and i are talking about harry styles’ outfit. i ask claire if he’s bi or not and they say yes. his grammys outfit deserves biphobia.
4:58 texting claire. so tired. im vibrating still i have shivers all over my body. i feel like im about to combust.
5:08 been texting claire. im so tired. sam and i are texting about entertainment 720. we wanna rewatch parks and rec. i wanna light a candle in my room but irs outside and i cant handle leaving my bed rn
5:10 i have to condition my hair i forgot
5:11 i get up and grab my leave in conditioner no gloves. i rub some into my hair. i walk over to my mirror to make sure it’s consistent. my hair color hasn’t faded much but then again im barely washing it.
5:12 i sanitize. i put on my outside black glove and make room on my desk. i go change slippers and go and grab my candle and lighter from the kitchen. i bring it back to my room change slippers and light it.
5:13 i take off my glove using my shirt hem so i dont touch it. i go back to my bed and sanitize. i move an earring that is on my bed to the side sanitize touch my charger sanitize plug my phone in sanitize again.
5:14 i type down my recent leave of absence from my bed.
5:17 i finish. the candle smells good. if my room smells good i think it will help me. my muscles are all cramping from stress. i wrapped a blanket around my shoulder cuz i was cold.
5:37 ive been on instagram. i made a meme about showering and posted to mentos. my candle smells good. i texted dr levy. i cried. so tired. need stimulus
5:39 i forgot to take my effexor and methylfolate. ill take at night or later. so tired
5:46 i caught up on obey me. i have so many chats to get through but maybe later. ace texted me im gonna check
5:47 ace sent me a tiktok. i say katara is homophobic for sure
5:55 sam sends me a cryptic video. i love it. i text ace more about the tiktok they sent me. i go and watch an attack on titan tiktok for no reason.
6:36 i catch up on the new obey me event. its a lucifer ssr and i have reason to live again. i wish i was a different human being. my back is so scarred. im so ugly.
6:37 i text ace about gonta and about playing more v3
6:38 i go onto mentos. a follower congratulated me on showering. that meant a lot. the candle smells nice. im so tired
7:03 i take the usc survey so i can tell them theyre transphobic
7:05 on instagram
7:07 cracked my neck a few times and stretched it out
7:11 ace texts me about playing v3 tonight. i say yes but then remember about my laptop. too tired.
7:13 i send email to julia about knowing who went tomorrow so i can watch their videos. i want to still give people comments even if i can’t be there
7:16 i fart. i send the email
7:17 i text ace about maybe me trying to watch from my phone.
7:20 i want to eat but i used all of my energy up in the manic showering. cant move well off my bed. im just so fucking tired and all my muscles are sore from tensing up.
7:21 i unplug my phone and sanitize my hands. i move the charger out of the way and dont sanitize
7:23 i blurt out loud that i want to kill myself
7:25 get up grab water go take effexor methylfolate lamictal risperdal.
7:26 i change slippers and go outside but everything requires touching something. im hungry. i change slippers go inside
7:27 i go to closet on the ground are my snack bars. theres one left. i eat it and sanitize my hands. i take my water glass and change slippers and leave
7:28 i went to get water. change slippers use shirt open door napkin to grab water. consider eating straight butter or sugar to satisfy cravinf but too much touching. i put water down go bathroom. wrist for light change slippers wash hand ten seconds no ritual.
7:29 i sit down and go #1 and 2
7:30 i get up wash hands no ritual the towel is still wet from when i first wash hands too tired to freak out but uncomfy. i use shirt to open door and change slippers grab water leave
7:31 change slippers go to room. change slippers put water on nightstand sanitize twice. move earring sanitize.
7:32 decide i want light off get up go turn off with wrist come back get under covers. start writing. so tired. so tired
7:38 finish writin. mama text will check. she says hi. using last of todays energy to text back like nothing is wrong then ill pass out. so sad i didnt get to write down my dream. gonna get up earlier to write it down before check in tomorrow. dreams are important. mine are so vivid. they remind me how alone i am like physically isolated. in my dreams i touch things and i touch people. cant do that. in my dreams im free. in the sims i dont touch people. we sit far apart and talk. only if they hug me. otherwise i am safe. i love my sim. we are one.
7:35 mama asks to call i say yes
7:36 we call
7:55 hang up. i sounded normal. laughed and stuff. talked about my day i said i had a good day. talk about bachelor finale. too tired to say more gonna text ace they mssgd while i was on call
7:56 ace says yeah tomorrow good to play. sleep time
7:57 set alarms. ace say goodnight. gnjte love u all