7:56 woke up at 11 and 2am im p sure but i slept twelve hours had three dreams

first dream i was in LA and i drove my car to buildings that looked like tuscany apartments. i got out and went to the metro but it was an orange line. i sit in the near empty train but it doesn’t move. im wearing my mask its covid era. i step out. spencer and my brother and someone else show up. we all get on the train together. it crowds up really bad and i get anxious. i say i can just drive us there and ask about parking. spencer says there’s a parking lot but then says something else i don’t remember. the train finally moves and makes a wide u-turn before heading in the opposite direction it was going north but now south. it takes a while but we get off and start walking. kanye west joins us. its in bits and pieces after that but we walk through a construction site and my brother and i say something. he spins around excitedly. theres construction workers on scaffolds up above. kanye west and i talk and decide to date. we walk through the site and the dream ends.

another dream was brief but i put a wig on mama’s face on an app and show her. it’s brown with bangs and slight purple at the tips. i raise my eyebrows at her. it means she wont have to dye her hair. she doesnt like it. it turns into a brown wig with bright pink and blue highlights. i wear it and it has two braids in front and i tie up the back. i wear wig glue so the back looks natural but someone insults it. i photoshop doxmontoya’s face onto a brown wig.

another dream im in the car with mama and papa im in the backseat. this one i dont remember well. we were going somewhere i think to pick up Julián or mana was complaining that he wasn’t there with us. at first i was in the front seat and eating kitkats that were on the ground ( still in packages ) but we arrive home and papa joins us and i get in the back. theres a bunch more candy but the ones i think are twix are these weird moon pies that taste awful. i see a bag of cheetos that i know are Julián’s but i eat them anyways. i lick the dust off my fingers. we are driving through the neighborhood. at one point i get out of the car and walk. the trees are beautiful theyre the short kind of palm trees.

another dream im with papa driving up to stanford. we drive up and its night. im in the backseat in the minivan again im on my phone. i remember that jwest was reading me something about the discovery scholar. i google how much it is to go to roden crater and it switches between 6000 to 9000 dollars. i think of my land art idea and want to do that for it. the prompt changes from an artist statement to begging for a project. we drive through what looks like berkeley and to a gas station. he’s trying to find parking on the street but i point out the gas station has spots so we drive there. its a huge parking lot for a gas station. papa gets out to go somewhere and get directions. there’s a security lady in the gas station and sees him leave. we were parked on the east edge of the lot but suddenly we are on the south edge and facing the window. i look at her and she sees im there. my dad accidentally turned on the headlights so i turn them off. i play love live. its not eli but its hiyoko grown up from danganronpa. i have an ssr and am trying to idolize and theres a new option to use different sr or higher cards to idolize her. i google and it says its possible now that there’s so many new cards and it’s a really detailed article like i remember words and pictures from it after waking up rn. i go back to the app and click on the card but it won’t let me idolize just level up. papa comes back and we drive to a best western but it’s in a really old building and he tells me to be careful when we exit the car. we go inside and theres a girl with braids and a beanie and a security outfit on the first floor. its more like a hallway and leading up to some stairs. she argues with my dad that this is in fact a best western. she points at his directions. we walk upstairs i wake up.

7:57 i check instagram. i respond to messages on my main. ace has posted to mentos

7:59 i check messages. ocone has sent me a car with a hentai bumper sticker. theres a girl on the sticker lifting her shirt but she’s nippleless. ace sent me tiktoks and also sent kon and i tiktoks. sam sent me a tiktok. i reply to everykne

8:00 i start typing my dreams

8:14 i check my mail. i see that the teams links from yesterday are the ones we are using all week. i hope they don’t get buried. i type again

8:23 i get up because i’m worried i won’t brush my teeth in time for check in. i change slippers walk over change slippers again and use my phone edge to turn on the light.

8:24 i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i sit down

8:25 i pee. i type a bit more of my morning but when i stop peeing i get up and wipe right away. i use my other hand with toilet paper to flush i don’t wipe the seat

8:26 i wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i brush my teeth

8:27 i only brush a minute this morning cuz of time. i wash my face i dont remember if i was my hands after. i use my shirt to open door change slippers and leave

8:28 im back in my room change slippers put on face oil and some concealer and get on bed

8:29 i grab my laptop with my bare hands and move it over. i sanitize then switch to my laptop to type out the rest.

8:30 i join. i dont have my gloves on but i sanitize

8:31 i sanitize and put on my gloves and sanitize again

8:32 i sanitize. i dont want people to see so i stop

8:38 i share my check in for the day

my homework was my checklist and using my laptop more. i did both.

depression 1 last night 4

avoidance 3 last night 7

rumination 3 last night 5

( i didn’t know whether to count how i felt after i showered or not )

self harm 0 last night 4

homicidal thoughts 0 last night 0

i did not eat dinner last night. the last time i ate a meal was 1:30pm with the dan dan noodles

i did brush my teeth

i did shower

i did not eat breakfast

i slept twelve hours but woke up twice

suicidal ideation 1 last night 4

anxiety 4 last night 6

8:41 i push up my glasses and i realize people can see my gloves. i get embarrassed.

8:43 i leave. im gonna practice typing on my laptop more rn

8:44 imsofucking cold but my favorite sweatshirt is on the ground. im gonna work on putting it on

8:45 i sanitize

8:46 i end up grabbing a different sweatshirt. im too tired. im so exhausted. flooding myself really didn’t help yesterday. i want to tell megan about it lmao

8:47 i input my checklist

8:50 i finish. im gonna go back on my phone and update my times then do the retrain ocd

8:51 im back on my phone. i sanitized. im hungry.

8:53 im gonna drink an ensure

8:57 i finish typing. i start drinking the ensure. my body is so happy.

9:03 ive been on instagram. i pick at my lip again. i split it this morning on accident. i open obey me and announce out loud that i want to kill myself.

9:04 i drink more ensure. my lip stings

9:06 catch up on obey me. ace texts me and kon. kon sends us photos of xii’s blog. he’s been erenposting again. insane content.

9:08 i text back ace and ocone. im gonna do retrainocd

9:17 finish retrainocd. change words so now my ten are: contamination, death, stove, technology, germs, laptop, trash, shower, microwave, creature. neutral words remain the same

9:19 finish my ensure. still hungry but at least it’s something. kon texted

9:20 kon texted about how all everyone wants is eren smoking weed and violently fucking you. i say that’s all he deserves to be. ocone texted epic about me sleeping twelve hours. im gonna look at the worksheets that are part of my daily assignments

9:30 i did well i used my laptop without gloves for ten minutes before sanitizing. im so exhausted. i might nap before group. filling out worksheets rn is so tiring

9:32 im gonna do a meditation

9:36 i do the meditation megan sent me. it actually helped. its never helped before. damn.

9:38 kon sent a gif of eren beating up armin.

9:57 i finish my meeting with megan. i tell her about my day yesterday and being exhausted. she thinks we should work on being balanced and i agree. i don’t know how to do that i feel like everything is 100 or 0 right now. i practiced using my laptop without gloves and i can do it if i dont lift my finger from my trackpad. im gonna try fixing up my portfolio rn.

10:00 i check instagram

11:14 been workng on discovery scholar application, distress packet and exposure hierarchy


1:02 finished group. so tired. one hour left. will do summary later. so tired.


1:21 finish daily tasks. meeting with psych at 2. might nqp. gonna fill blanks later and not worry about how detailed. gonna play obey me and zone out for a bit

1:35 get text from megan while playing obey me. i go onto teams i forgot i had one more meeting with her today

1:36 i join teams. she laughs when i tell her. she’s excited that i did all my tasks for the day and wants to figure out what homework to give me. she asks what i have planned for today and i say going to class and going to costco with my roommate. she’s worried about costco but i’m out of chicken nuggets and i say i’ll be ok with sam.

1:40 we decide that my homework is going to costco, attending class, and eating dinner since those are all exposures for me. my job is to try and do as few compulsions as possible.

1:46 we finish. i go back to my phone and catch up on obey me. i also go on instagram and text ace and kon about armin and eren fighting. i work on my portfolio for discovery scholar

1:58 i get ready for my call with dr wang. i sanitize

2:00 i join. dr wang immediately comments on my split lip and i say it’s dry. she’s worried im not drinking enough water and tells me to take care of myself. it kind of means a lot for her to say that. i make a note to drink more water.

2:26 we finish. they’re going to start me on prozac which i tried a while ago. we talk about my fear of the kitchen and my belief that ghosts and people are goinf to kill me if i go outside. it turns out this is not social anxiety and might be straight up paranoia. i text ace and kon about it cuz i know they struggle too.

2:43 i finish my portfolio and exit. i added photos of afk installation, my sim ocd video, and my thesis. i will add my sim avatar tomorrow

2:44 i dick around. i dont remember what i did

3:30 sam is done with class. i decide costco is gonna be too much so i will skip class so i can handle it. i go pee too tired to remember steps ( this is 1:10am me writing ) then we leave i bring no gloves


4:21 we arrive at costco. i accidenfallg took a wrong turn cuz waze didn’t realize i was in the express lane. we pull up to the gas station.

4:23 a spot opens up and i drive up. i sanitize and get out it takes me a minute because it doesn’t recognize my membership card at first but it finally does.

4:24 i start gas

4:25 it finishes and i take it out. i tap it to prevent spilling but a little bit spills and i freak out but i tell myself its ok. i get back in the car and sanitize.

4:26 we leave costco gas and drive back out into the parking lot

4:28 i find a spot and pull in. sam and i get ready to get out. we leave and walk over

4:29 entered costco. sam has never been in one since he was 6 years old and he is losing his mind

4:30 we go to the alcohol section and sam is so excited and gets two bottles. then we go down the meats section and he gets us each a container of parmesan cheese. i go get bananas and we go to the back where sam gets a thing of tide pods

4:32 i get my chicken nuggets. all is well with the world.

4:34 noticed how bad my hands are peeling. my mom says i have beautiful hands. it makes me want to cry seeing how cracked and peeling they are rn.

4:44 bad number. my mom texted me and i dont check yet

4:46 sam leaves to go find sparkling water. i wait for him

4:47 the people in costco are trying to kill me. sam left me im not safe. theres a ghost behind me the creature on my back is there i feel it hes watching me. sam where are you im alone im alone gonna text my mom back

4:48 i go to text my mom but i get a text from sam that he found the water. i text back that im gonna go to him.

4:49 i go a little faster to get to him and we meet halfway. he has sparkling water and la croix and theyre really heavy so i help him. we go back down the aisles and through the snacks

4:50 i see a bag of chile mango and i get so happy. i grab it right away. i also get nutrigrain bars in case i cant cook and need a snack

4:58 we go to the checkout line. i teach sam how to line everything up that way they dont have to individually scan.

5:01 we successfully leave costco

5:04 go to costco food court. sam gets a chicken bake, a soda, and a churro. i get a hot dog. i show my membership and sam pays with his card.

5:07 we get our food and go back to the car. it’s a slight decline by the food court and sam has to keep the cart steady while we organize our food. i joke it’s like that meme image where all the superheroes are trying to lift jesus’ cross and he goes “heavy, huh ?” he laughs.

5:10 we get back to the car and start unloading

5:11 i text taylor why im not in class in case she got worried

5:15 we finish unloading. i organize the food in the car and sam takes the cart back to the return area

5:17 sam comes back and we begin eating in the car. i love their hot dogs so much. im in heaven.

5:20 finish eating

5:21 cameron texts me. it’s a photo of an among us tshirt. i text back excitedly

5:22 texting my mom and relaying a conversation between her and sam about costco. sam is amazed mt mom and dad go every week

5:28 driving back. i text mama ttyl. sam waits to eat his churro until we get home

6:05 we arrive home. one person honked at me because i switched lanes when there was space and then i saw that they just wanted to do an illegal left there. three cars sped past me and the other cars on the street while we drove back ( we took the streets and not the freeway on the way back ). we listened to the sophie playlist and were mainly quiet except for commenting on the design of some of the buildings. sam was on his phone and it was really peaceful. a good drive. i haven’t sanitized yet. i did get intrusive thoughts at the end but i usually get them and am used to them. i think about cars crashing into me or parked cars suddenly joining the road or pedestrians. normal stuff just really nonstop and scary images in my head.

6:32 i sit down. im not gonna fill in today. im so tired. yesterday was exhausting.

6:33 lmao im gonna write it down

6:42 i scratch my face

6:48 i pausw writing to go on instagram

7:20 i was in an instagram rabbit hole. i stalked ella emhoff. wish i was white and skinny and cis. i respond to ace’s message

7:21 i check my messages and ace texted ten min ago that they were ready. i text back that i didnt see. gonna start a zoom now

7:22 i start a zoom and send the meeting id and passcode because ace logs in on their PC

7:26 ace joins. they have their new cat ear headphones on !!!! theyre so cute i love the color

7:27 ace asks how my day at treatment. we talk about it a bit.

7:34 it takes us a few minutes to get the volume workin on danganronpa but we finally start. the lag is rlly bad as always but i have so much fun it doesn’t matter. it’s just fun to play with ace

7:40 i pick at the scab on my leg and bite on the dead skin. i have to stop doing that but its so hard to not do it and im tired today.

8:11 i have to on instagram sometimes to distract myself from the laptop but im doing well. not wearing gloves no sanitizing. doing okay. i love playing with ace. theyre my best friend

8:13 i sanitize. ace and i joke about cucks. i joke about becoming a cuck but im not sure with who. maybe ill put out an open call

8:28 i catch up on obey me and check instagram briefly. we r talking abt how much we love gonta and keebo. i want to be tsumugi’s reply guy

8:29 i sanitize. i move the laptop to my lap. slowly getting more comfy with it. i hate my brain

8:30 i google keebo’s free time events so we can get the right presents. it’s free time in the game

8:42 i check my mail. jwest sent us a few photos from round table. i miss being in a classroom with everyone

8:46 we talk about how we hate kaito’s facial hair. i can’t remember if kon hated or loved it.

8:47 we text kon about kaito’s goatee. he hates it.

9:40 we’ve just been playing and hanging out. we get to the end of the free time for the first day and we decide to stop so we can play among us with kon


9:43 we start call



11:57 ive been on a call with kon and ace. ive been drawing for them so havent been by my phones. ive sanitized three times. we played among us