Rudy Falagán WEDNESDAY - MARCH 17
12:03 i sanitize. i go to write my artist statement for my discovery sxholar application
1:02 i finish my draft and send it abd my portfolio to jwest. i sanitize and xlose m laptop for the day
1:03 thpe out brief summary. sorry for gaps in today so tired
1:11 finisg type goodnight sef alarms
good mornin !
7:48 awake eo tired.
7:50 turn off alarm. sleep
8:00 turn iff alarm. set for 8:10. eyes so dry.
8:06 i wake up for real. i check instagram, then mail, then instagram again
8:07 i check messages
8:19 i get up put vaseline on lips change slippers and go to the bathroom change slippers phone for light. i pass mimi eating yogurt and i say good morning.
8:20 i go in use toilet paper to lift seat go pee wipe use toilet paper to flush go wash hands ten seconds no ritual. i brush my teeth
8:23 i finish i wash my face change slippers use shirt hem for door and leave and go to room
8:24 i put on face oil and more vaseline i go to my bed to type. i pull up the meeting and sanitize. i do my daily check in form
8:30 i realize i forgot to put concealer on my zit so i run over and put it on
8:31 i run back and join the meeting.
8:41 my turn to check in
(5:57 me filling this in:)
homework: went to costco and ate dinner and did my best to balance my energy
i did skip class, but it was mainly because i knew i would burn out
ideas for exposures are touching a kitchen appliance, practice putting away clothes, and using my laptop without sanitizing
depression 2 last night 3
avoidance 3 last night 4
rumination 4 last night 3
self harming thoughts 0 last night 0
homicidal thoughts 0 last night 0
eat dinner yes
brush teeth yes
shower no / last time monday
eat breakfast no
slept 7 hours but not restful
suicidal ideation 2 last night 3
anxiety 2 last night 4
i think i sanitized once during group
(end future me typing)
8:44 finished check in gonna eat breakfast then write down
8:45 i grab ramen and bring it out with me change slippers
8:46 ramen in microwave. wendy awake she tired. she says good morning. she had a project she was working on and a presentation she forgot about so she stayed up until 2:30. she’s making coffee
8:49 ramen done. i grab it by the paper towels and bring it to the counter where i add the sauce packets and stir
8:50 i take it to the table and put it on the trivet. i let it cool a bit. wendy shows me that part of her chapstick broke off and got stuck in the lid
9:02 i finish the noodles. i drink the broth
9:03 i finish the broth and go on instagram
9:16 i finish on instagram
9:18 sanitize open laptop read what exposures im doing sanitize again
9:20 joined call with megan. told her about missing class and told her about costco and the paranoia. we talk about doing exposures today and i say i’m anxious but determined. my exposures are to touch the fridge five times for ten seconds each. the way it works is that we have exposure time, then three minutes of habituation, then a small break, then do either same exposure or different exposure and make sure we aren’t white-knuckling the experience. i say let’s do the fridge first because i’m trying to think of where i feel safest putting my laptop down.
9:30 i change slippers and we go to the kitchen. i ask if it’s ok to put my laptop on a trivet on the table because touching table + laptop open + touching fridge is like three exposures at once. megan says its ok because she wants me to focus on the fridge
9:31 i start. i use my bare hand and hold onto the fridge handle for ten seconds. i start crying. we go do habituation and i apologize for crying. i’m panicking but trying to cry pretty still because megan and the therapist shadowing her ( julie ? ) are watching. im trying to let my thoughts flow past me and they are, but my state of anxiety remains high and i cry more.
9:34finish habituation. megan tells me i dont have to apologize for crying and i cry more. she asks how im doing and i say i’m probably at a 7 but not showing it because im on camera. she asks what i think about that since i put it as a One on my hierarchy chart. i explain to her that in the grand scheme of things it’s low compared to everything else, and how if I truly tried to list my one’s i would be on my bed doing nothing. she laughs and i do too. the mood is lighthearted.
9:39 megan says we are running out of time but i can have julie ( i will fix her name later ) stay with me to do more. at first i say no but julie speaks up for the first time and says it’s ok if i need help. her voice calms me down and doesn’t stress me out like i thought it would so i say ok. megan leaves
9:41 she asks if i want to do the bathroom cabinet or the fridge again and i say cabinet to give me a break from the fridge. i ask to wait until 9:45
9:45 i move the laptop and trivet over and changes slippers and set it on the sink. i used my elbow for the light and i ask if the bathroom fan is too loud. she says it’s ok.
9:46 i take a piece of toilet paper and close the lid so i have somewhere to sit during habituation. i take a deep breath and start. it’s a little easier. we start habituation
9:49 i finish. i cried again. i change slippers and we exit the bathroom. we talk a bit. my anxiety is lower than the fridge but i just feel disappointed in myself and sad that my OCD is this bad right now. she tells me it’s ok and that’s why i’m here, and my determination to get better is a good thing and i’ll get out of this. i agree.
9:52 i decide to do the fridge again. i take a second and hold it for ten seconds. we start habituation
9:55 we finish. i was crying again. when she asks how im feeling i explain how i was feeling not anxious as much as just sadness. my battery might be depleting. i talk about how much i cry now and she tells me that there are actually different types of tears and scientists can determine them through a microscope. i think that’s cool as hell. i talk about how for a period of time i felt really numb and couldn’t cry when my depression was bad and how i’m relieved when i cry now. she says crying’s a good thing.
9:58 she asks if i want to do the fridge again. i say yes but can we wait until 10:02 and she says sure
10:02 i get up and go to the fridge. i touch the handle for ten seconds. im close to crying. i sit down and habituate.
10:05 we talk. i cried at the end. my anxiety jumped up a bit but more sadness and a bit of dissociation. i don’t remember too much. i said i feel like im a kid holding on to a balloon and if i let go i’m going to dissociate more. we talk about strategies and i say that my main ones are grounding myself in my chair and counting my breaths.
10:11 i do the fridge again. i habituate. im dissociating more.
10:14 we talk. i feel more numb so my anxiety is low but i express to her that it’s probably better to switch gears and go back to the bathroom for a bit so i don’t become fully numb. she says maybe i can imagine tying the balloon to my chair to keep me more grounded and help with the dissociating and i think that’s a good idea.
10:20 we do the bathroom again. i change slippers. this time i do my hand on the mirror instead of the handle and it’s definitely worse. i hold it for 15 and then sit down and habituate
10:23 we talk. i change slippers and leave the bathroom. i talk about how my anxiety increased which is a good thing, but it latched onto my grounding techniques which wasn’t fun with my dissociation. we talk about different techniques and discuss a few, but the 5 senses one is always bad for me because i think of smelling / feeling contamination and counting objects i start seeing everything as dirty. i talk about how instead i count wrinkles on my hands and she thinks thats a good idea
10:28 she asks if i want to do more or take a break. i ask to take a break and say i’ll work on some other stuff before tackling exposures again.
10:31 we finish for the time being. i go to my room sanitize get on my bed plug my lqptop in sanitize
10:32 i text the group that im done and i sanitize twice. im gonna write about it now ! i feel ok. i feel proud
10:40 i fart
10:50 i pause typing and check mail then messages. augustina sent me an lgbt birthday card she found in a store. it’s so bad. she knew i would hate it lmao
11:00 i pause typing and join my meeting with megan. i update her about my cycle of anxiety to dissociation and how im gonna do other assignments for now. she agrees and says we can even do some for homework if i dont finish. i wanna get everything done but i might tell her im gonna try and leave something undone for homework to deal with my anxiety abohr completion
11:06 we end i go back to typing. her name is jameline ! i tried.
11:20 nap
11:38 wake up
(5:29 me writing)
11:40 i dont remember. i got my times mixed up. i think i typed stuff out on my phone about my day
11:45 i join lunch group. (i wrote names st first and im deciding to censor them for certain parts of these logs) three girls are there and we chat. we talk about caffeine and how it affects ocd. one of the girls says she’s gonna get discharged in a week and we all hope the best for her. her insurance isn’t paying for treatment. we talk about how rogers might not work for her IOP so she has to find different places n the other girls offer suggestions
11:51 she gets a text. her insurance dropped her today. today is her last day. she’s close to tears. i feel like i’m intruding. i’m not gonna say any more of what happened. i send her my love.
11:59 we go to group.
12:00 it’s a mindfulness group. the girl breaks the news. staying silent on this part too
12:11 we do a guided meditation together. i think the girl left to go figure things out with rogers.
12:23 we finish. we talk about it. gonna not use names or specifics here too. some people had difficulty. the people with adhd speak up about how mindfulness is hard for them to concentrate.
12:30 someone reads aloud a pdf about mindfulness and grounding techniques. i don’t like it but one of the other people does and i think that’s really interesting
12:40 we look at a pdf of different mindfulness exercises and discuss. someone brings up having conversations and being mindful about them is how they practice mindfulness. i have a revelation and share my thesis and how i didn’t realize it was actually me practicing mindfulness this entire time. one of the girls thinks it’s really awesome i’m an art student.
12:47 we look at different grounding techniques some more. we talk more about different strategies for grounding ourselves. i want to share about how my obsessions about touch and grime make it hard to do many of these sensory grounding techniques but i decide not to.
12:59 we end group.
1:04 i get out of bed and change slippers and go to the kitchen. sam is there making pho. i bring my laptop out with me and set a timer then do my last fridge exposure. i don’t cry cuz sam is there but i do panic. i do my habituation for three minutes
1:06 sam talks to me so i give a brief response. he tells me he thinks he’s post gay. i ask what that means. he says he wants attention from men but when he gets it he’s indifferent. he hated most men. i nod and continue my habituation
( pause 5:30+ me speaking. here is something i wrote down: )
1:08 manic manic
( back to future me speaking )
1:08 finish and i write it down. to celebrate i promised myself i could have a slice of the cake i bought at costco as a treat. i don’t sanitize and use my sweatshirt sleeve to open the fridge and bring it out. sam is getting a spoon and i ask him to not close it yet and i grab a fork. it’s just me so i eat straight from the cake and have a slice. it’s SO GOOD. i’m so hyped for the day. i write down peak anxiety as 2 and final anxiety as 5
1:11 i finish my slice and my energy grows. i wanna touch more things straight away. i leave my laptop in the kitchen and bring my phone with me to the bathroom i change slippers
1:12 one round of exposure i touch the side of the cabinet 15 seconds. i start timer for habituation
1:15 i finish. i have so much energy i barely pay attention.
1:16 change slippers go back to kitchen i mark down my peak anxiety as 1 and final as 2. i sit there for a bit. can’t remember if i talked.
1:18 i go back to the bathroom change slippers and hold the handle again fifteen seconds then habituate. i try and stay more grounded this time. i noticed i have a habit of picking my peeling skin as a distraction and i stop. my anxiety increases
1:21 i finish. i go change slippers and go out to the kitchen again and sit down and type my exposure. i list peak anxiety as 2 and final as 3. i recognize im entering mania and i decide to not do the last bathroom exposure until later.
1:24 sam comments that he put too much water in his pho and now has too much broth. i laugh
1:26 i go back to my room change slippers get on my bed
1:28 i get ready for my meeting with megan. i sanitize twice
1:30 i join. i tell her about my giant energy boost and how i did the fridge once and felt it happen. i went and did the bathroom twice but felt like i wasn’t actually present and i wanted to wait until i was down in energy to finish. she was rlly happy i sensed that. we talk about homework. she wants me to eat dinner again. we talk about my fixation with prime numbers for volume. i say how my brother and i both do it so i’ve done it for years and get anxiety when it’s not prime. my homework is to watch tv and at a nonprime number. she says 30min but i ask for 20 since some of my shows (anime lmao) are 20 minutes long. we talk about maybe me sweeping. she thinks about setting a timer for five minutes and having me sweep is a good idea. i say yes and maybe designating an area for me to sweep would be helpful. i say the kitchen is pretty closed off and is white tile which will help, since when i’m on the darker laminate i freak out that i’m missing dust. we decide to set a timer for 5 minutes and i’m only allowed to sweep the kitchen for that amount of time. at first she asks if maybe i should only do 2 minutes but i’m worried it’ll just make me sweep faster and become more frantic to finish it all in time. she sends me my homework. she tells me to keep waiting down my manic energy and that i did a good job today !
1:45 i say bye to her and jameline and exit. i just sit there vibrating and moving the mouse around. i text ace and kon about eren jaegar. i slap my hand against my bed to get energy out and i swipe erratically on my phone.
1:46 i finish the thought diffusion reading. i’m sitting there vibrating. i think i went on instagram for a bit. i kind of blacked out in my memory in terms of compared to the rest of my day
( it’s now 5:56. i finished catching up)
(5:17pm me speaking rn)
1:57 i go catch up in obey me and get the 12-2pm energy gift.
2:00 i join check out group. i’m one of the first few people there. it’s my first time in check out group so im nervous.
2:10 we finish and chloe asks if we stay on a bit. she says she doesnt mind if we leave but i stay on a few minutes. im losing my mind not doing something so i message in the chat that i’m leaving and i send my love. i hope that things go well and i wish i could’ve known her better. i write down her contact info for when i get out just in case so i csn reach out and see how she’s doing
2:16 i leave the group. checkout:
i worked on exposures with the bathroom cabinet and the fridge and did some worksheets
i did make progress !
depression 0
avoidance 2
rumination 5
self harming thoughts 0
homicidal thoughts 0
rumination is higher than a 4 because i’m bouncing off the walls with energy.
homework i will sweep for at most 5 minutes in the kitchen, eat dinner, and watch tv at a nonprime number.
suicidal ideation 4 because intrusive thoughts
anxiety 3
(end 5:17/5:23 me typing)
2:18 MANIC still manic i cant do ocd cant calm my energy down just sitting here vibrating my muscles are cramping everything is jumping cant still sit sit still. i love everyone what if i kill myself killing myself might be fun i wanna do something i WANNNNNNNNNA DO AOMSTHINF FNSNDNDNF I WANNA DO SOMWTHING I WANNA DO SOMETHIN BUT I CANT I CANT i cant do anything ocd related i cant deplete my battery like i normally do im just i cant i csnt push myself i have to stay in this im ducking in fickkdkfkfkfkfkdkkdkfkf IDNKSKFKDKFKKFKFKFKFJFJDJDJ energy ENERGY energy typing is helping calm me down gives my fingers somehting to do i kight play sims i mught play sims i hace one more exposure to do but i need to i need to wait wait till less bouncing off walls is this mania i only ever last a few hours i feel myself calming down while typing i jist need to use my energy it wont gondown gonna go to fams might drink oooooops ooops but one dirnk one drink keep it secret shhhhhhhhhhhhh drink drink will be so fun love cam and bacon love everyone maybe ill kill myself want to tell everyone that maybe ill kill myself but not Kill myself just kill myself you know just ljke do it hst do it but not out of delression i just want to do somethinf i wanna do something maybe i dont want to self hadn but maybe ill go ourside but ourside is scary outside scary savry scary maybe ill go our i dont know i dont know gonna. watch som goona gonna thpe dag type day and watch sim i feel my body relax but my momd isnt my mind isnt relax.
i didnt have time to write oh t my dream foday but basicallllllllllllly. i dont remember a lot anymore just bits and pieces. my mom and dad were there. edgar was there. erin and michael was there maybe ahhyun and griffin cant remember well it was challenge with costumes we had to run around change costumes for thenes also there was an aquarium room ? you run around put together costumes i made a maid outfit and another outfit and we all laughed and my mom had to drive to a location i drove too and we were there and something happened. i dont remember. i had my nail brushes i pulled them out abd wad trying to find the right brush. other studf i dont remember. sorry it was more vivid this morning ill try qnd wake up earlier and rememver next time eooooooooooo wooOOOOOOOOOO
2:18 i text ace and kon cuz i have the compulsion to tell right now and i tell them im experiencing a brief form of mania. ace and kon both understand wnd they remind me i can play games and stuff to help my brain calm down. i go to type out a bit of my day bjt then i switch to instagram
2:30~ i see another post about the massage parlor shooting and i go online to learn more finally. its really really devastating and i’m rlly sad that people rnt labeling it as a hate crime. it seems like its just blanketing over the fact that he targeted massage parlors.
2:40 i text augustina because i know she was rlly having a rough time and i let her know im thinking of her and if theres any way i can help let me knoe. i go back to reading but she quickly texts me back. she says shes doing ok and distracting herself and is gonna avoid social media. i tell her if i see any photos of cute dogs ill send them her way. i wish i was there to give her a big hug n help if shes crying. not romantic platonic like i just rlly want to be there for her because she’s always reaching out to me and itmeans a lot !!!
2:46 i go back to reading bur stop because it’s not right for me to just read the same articles over and over i want to pay respect to the families and not try and sensationalize it in my head and instead reflect on it and what it means. i cgeck covid updates but im stil manic and have trouble focusing
2:51 im typinf on here and my breathing has slowed but im still mentally vibrating and im typing so fast and i have a lot of just tapping and stuff and i would be running around if my body wasn’t so tired. i feel like im gonna sleep i might sleep i already had very little energy and its kind of dying down my brain is awake but my body is finally tired again like it was earlier. tiredness and exhaustion from the day is finally getting to me. gonna jot down lunchlater so tired now nap goodnight
2:53 sanitize
4:10 had so many dreams. nightmare. nightmare. i woke up and i was in my room and then i woke up again and again and couldn’t leave my nightmares are always ljke this gife me one second
4:11 text housemates apology if i screamed cuz in the last loop of my nightmare i started screaming in my sleep and wendy and a man came and woke me up and he was the devil and i forced myself awake rn because i was worried i screamed.
4:12 check mail i got my name changed on my diploma !!!! gonna mf celebrate i text cam and bacon the good news and also tell them to watch out for the devil. im kind of manic still but i just want to cry. my nightmare just kept waking me up into another nightmare there is no end.
4:16 i get up and spill my water all over the floor. my limbs are so heavy. forcing yourself awake Hurts. ineed to fharge my phone
4:27 ive been on instagram i charge phone i text Julián. he says deven asked if he could talk to me about nfts and my brother hit him. i laugh. soencer sent me a cryptic image of someone from american dad. wendy walked by and i asked if someone had been in our house. her friend was and i was relieved. i was worried i was having extremely lucid dreams / hallucinations as i was waking up.
4:31 spencer texts me. its a version of germany from hetalia. its cursed. we text that we will hang out on sunday since cam and i are hanging out today.
4:33 i go back to instagram but exit out. i dont wanna be on it more today. too many posts about the shooting and i want to be respectful to the women who died. it’s very few ways to help being shared and i’m not contributing to the infographic mess.
4:34 i putvaseline on my lips. ok my dream. it was levels and levels of me waking up and walking around the house and then realizing it was a dream and waking up. a few levels that i remember:
augustina was having a hard time and i go out in the kitchen in my bedroom slippers and get a glass of orange juice. cam is there and i talk about how i wish i could fly over and give augustina a hug. some stuff happens i realize im dreaming i wake up to next dream
another level i wake up and theres a placard on a tall dresser next to my bed, my bed has moved to the right side of the room and the tall dresser from mama’s room has appeared on the left ( directions coming from me facing my door rn ). theres a picture frame too teal border and a photo of a tree. the placard is electronic and reads that deven has joined jextraz’s meme page and his description says “ hey guys ! im interested in real estate and gallery design “ and i freak out. the meme page is just photos of trees. jextraz goes on his story and i look at it and he did a face reveal. it starts with him looking doen and looking up. he is a paler version of my crush from middle school ( he was tan because he was a swimmer ) and had the super straight black hair that sticks straight up in a little triangle. he had deep brown eyes. when he looked up his hair revealed that he had an eye with orange instead of white and a red iris that blinked around and then stared at me and i freaked out and woke up. i knew it was the face of the devil and he was stalking me. the devil was a twelve year old boy.
i kept running through levels of my dreams and he would force himself through doorways and look up at me and i would scream and wake up. i became vaguely aware that i was in bed asleep and couldn’t move and it scared me more. i was in and out and being asleep and i heard wendy and someone outside and i freaked out cuz i couldnt tell what was real. the door open and his faced peeked out and looked at me. i started thrashing and screaming and wendy and her friend ran in but it was a guy i hadnt met. they shake me awake and im crying and i look at the guy and he looks up at me and its him again. im so sedated and i force myself awake because i need to escape.
im actually awake now and i feel him staring behind me. he’s here but im too tired and i felt myself burst through so many layers of my dream i like shot through a skyscraper’s worth of my houses and i feel him trying to catch up. it will take him a while. im so tired. limbs heavy. heart hurts. i think my manic energy all went into that dream.
4:40 screenshot postmates discount. one from earlier is hungry25
4:47 finish typing. body hurts. sam came by and asked who my ketamine connection was. its ren. wendy also has one but sam trusts ren more so i might text them and rex about it later. wendy’s friend who is another Cameron stops by and gets his monitor from her outside. sam got a package
4:48 sam talks about how he has so many mothballs and they chewed through his nice sweater. muscles hurt so bad. i feel the creature on my back.
4:49 text my brother. he is sending me jokes about nft’s. i havent written down lunch yet. i might go back but im so tired n shaken i think i forgot a lot.
4:50 i go on instagram and exit out. its instinctive. i should go do my last exposure. i think ill sweep instead
4:56 i wqs googling effexor and vivid dreams but i cant concentrate
4:58 texting brother abt vr porn. go instagram exit out immediately
4:59 milner returns from skiing !!! they are gonna vandalize a car that blocked the driveway. wooo
5:01 i get up change slippers go outside
5:02 start. i get the broom take off the dustpan and start sweeping. it starts out natural but then wendy walks through snd i freak. milner walks in and asks for a hug and i say i have to do this exposure first and they say ok. wendy says she can help sweeping but i tell her no i gotta do it on my own. their feet scare me they r walking on the dirt.
5:07 finish. i sweep up what i got. anxiety during 3 anxiety peak 5 at the end.
5:08 move to trash and brush off the hair snd dust. i dont sanitize and put the broom away and sit down
5:09 compliment wendy’s hair. we talk about how milner put w bunch of lipstick on the person’s car that blocked the alley
5:10 i realize i have to get out the alley somehow lmao
5:12 i finish typing stuff down. done with habituation now too. stressed and vibrating. i cant sanitize my hands yet. im gonna cuz i have to change clothes but i held back for five minutes !! im gonna go use my laptop and write down my check in and check out before i change clothes to provide a buffer
5:13 i change slippers and go into my room i get on my bed
5:14 i open my laptop and finally sanitize. i make myself only sanitize once. i feel FILTHY my hands look caked in dirt in my head like i see them blackened in dirt adn grime i just have an overactive imagination.
5:15 i go and add my check ins and outs to my day.
5:21 i text cam that im doing exposures n writing down day then ill be On my way! soon. she says dlnt worry. kon sends photos of drawings of reiner. ngl im horny for that white man
5:23 i wipe my nose and freak out cuz of my dirty hands but don’t sanitize
5:25 milner says bye they are leaving for a few hours to see a friend in their bubble
5:26 kon texts back also thirsting for reiner
5:34 wendy is going for a walk. she walks past my doorway and stops to stick her tongue out at me. i stick mine out back
6:00 i finish typing out my day. jesus christ thst took a while
6:02 i check texts. bacon’s at la barca LMAO. i text cam im omw
6:03 i take off my sweatpants and fold them and put them on my bed so they don’t get contaminated. i take off my shirt and throw it in the dirty clothes corner. i smell like sweat so i do deoderant ten times on each armpit. i grab a clean shirt from my laundry hamper and put it on and i open my dresser with the hem and put on a new pair of pants. i grab an overshirt from my clothing rack. my hands feel so dirty
6:04 i grab my bag and toss my phone in it. i close my laptop and go grab a mask. i exit the room and change slippers and use my sleeve to turn off the light
6:05 i have to pee i put my bag down on the table and go use my sleeve to turn on slight and close door i change slippers use toilet paper to open lid sit down
6:06 i pee write it and my previous actions down. dont wanna miss too much
6:09 i get up and wipe
6:13 i get out the gate only to remember that there’s two cars blocking our side of the
6:16 finally get out of the alleyway
6:19 arrive park go up call cam. she answers and i say im here. we squeal at each other
6:27 im with cam. i take off my shoes and go to the couch. we are talking about day. not gonna update a lot spend time with her.
(11:31 me going thru the day cuz i spent time with cam and enjoyed my night)
cam and i talked a lot. we talked about my treatment day together and the stuff that was going on. we talked about her own ocd and how she’s having trouble with cleaning again and right now has a bunch of religious rituals that she’s dealing with. she makes us margaritas and theyre delicious. i tell her about my exposures and stuff. we talk about that for a while. i share with her my nightmare and some of our other dreams. cam sometimes dreams of her and her dead friend hanging out and going on fun adventures. that makes me happy to hear. it makes cam happy. we talk about how cam go into sherlock and how i used to run a sherlock and dr who fanblog on tumblr.
8:00~ we go to the kitchen. cam made crawfish beignets. she has a plug in georgia that mails her cajun ingredients thanks to her mom. she heats them up. she also made jalapeño aoili. cam’s mom will send her ingredients sometimes because at some points cam will only eat one type of cereal for a full week. the beignets stick together so she cuts them funny but we don’t care. she puts them in the microwave. the kitchen feels safe here
8:10~ we talk about my ocd and her ocd. i share with her my statement for my discovery scholar application. i start crying. im writing about how as i learn more about my ocd i see how my entire practice has been shaped by it, and how all those times i had beat myself up as a failure was me not realizing how much my brain was working against me. i write about things that i haven’t told my professors, and things i lied to them about. cam puts her hand on my knee and it’s comforting. i explain my thesis more to her. she thinks it’s really good.
8:30~ she cleans our dishes. we talk about how she used to use a bar of dish soap and it didn’t work. cam has a fear of textured plastic and so it’s hard for her to use a lot of cleaning supplies so she finds alternatives. cam now has a bottle of dish soap because the bar wasn’t working. she comes to sit down again and we talk about our families and ocd tendencies we notice.
9:00~ we decide to go watch sherlock. cam pours me more water. she gets mad at herself when she forgets to offer me water but i truly do not care. cam and i sit in the living area. we decide to watch girlfriends instead. i ask cam to put the volume at a nonprime number for my exposure.
9:30~ i practice putting it at a nonprime number myself. it’s terrifying but i do it !!!!
at one point in the show willie talks about wanting to date a fictional tv show and cam says its me. i tell her that if i ever dated a voice actor i would Never confuse them with their character. i show her gundham and ryoma’s voice actor. he’s so fine
10:00~ i text ace asking for the tiktok of him saying “ hey girlie, hold still “ in ryoma’s voice. it makes cam and i Feel things. we keep watching girlfriends. we realize girlfriends is 8 seasons long. when we exit the show finally we realize we are only at the end of season 3. we have so much to watch. we talk about how bad a show girlfriends is but how for people of color you take what you can get. i talk about how i remember the george lopez show and how the only daytime latino representation i remember as a kid was sofia vergara on modern family, which was kind of racist.
10:10 i get up to leave. i tell cam ill find out when modern family started. i use my sleeve to open the door as well as the gate to her apartment. i go to my car walking fast and get in my car and sanitize.
10:14 i get home and sanitize. i go inside and immediately go to pee. i have a headache. i change slippers and go inside and use toilet paper to open the seat and i finish the roll. i put in a new roll as i sit down and pee.
10:15 i text cam while on the toilet about danganronpa
10:16 i get up and wipe and use my nonwipe hand to grab toilet paper to flush. i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i dont want to touch my toothbrush so i dont brush my teeth. i use more toilet paper to grab the roll and i change slippers and go outside and i throw it in the trash
10:17 im in bed. i hear wendy talking to someone on zoom about our hookup app idea. i get up and go to her room. sam comes in with me too.
10:18 we talk with her and her friend about our idea. the plan is to make a very bare bones website where seniors can look up people who’ve signed up and “ friend “ them. only if they match can they get their contact information / see who it is. it’s tinder but you can intentionally seek out the people you wanted to bang or had a crush on. its a junior we are talking to and he loves the idea. we are calling it senior SCramble and i’m doing the logo and visuals. we talk for a While. we brainstorm people. wendy has the idea of copying fyre festival marketing and using hot people on the instagram to get people to join. we r geniuses.
11:20 i go back to my room change slippers get in bed before i realize i forgot to take my pills. i get up change slippers bring my water class use sleeve to open fridge bare hand get water back to room take pills. i take off my slippers but don’t change.
11:21 i go to my bed and catch up on obey me. i spend devil points to get more energy since i missed some today
11:24 i start writing out what i did with cam
11:30~ i run back put on my outside slippers and go to wendy’s room. we have the idea to organize it like a directory. i go back to my room change slippers this time and get back into bed.
11:35~ i text ace and kon about attack on titan. im gonna draw more tomorrow. i keep typing
11:44 i pick my nose
11:53 genius idea about our app. sam barges into our rooms. his idea: one week in, people have the option to turn anonymous OFF and so they can see everyone who has liked them. the catch is that the people that liked them can now also see that they specifically liked them. its insane. wendy texts it to the group chat. shes making a slack and is gonna make NDA’s. we’re making it happen.