12:14 i finish typing yesterday. i have a bathroom exposure to do but im gonna do it when i wake up. exhausted from yesterday. gonna text ace then sleep

12:15 ace is asking abt colored tat ink. i have to order it still. i say ill order it tomorrow. spending too much money this month. so tired.

12:16 set alarm check obey me gnite

12:24 catch up obey me put on vaseline gnite

12:40 tired get up have to pee. go to kitchen. hungry. feed sourdough starter dont use gloves. end up grabbing bowl making sourdough dough and eating it flour water starter salt. yum. go put it away soak bowl wash tomorrow. clean starter jar with paper towel. throw away cover starter back on shelf

12:44 sleepy tired go to fridge drink milk hungry. tastes good. go bed change slipper but remember wanted to pee

12:45 go change slipper bathroom. wendy mimi outside. change slipper go pee like normal person. wash hands ten seconds.

12:47 use shirt to exit go bed change slipper lay down tired. maybe make break tomorrow

12:48 bed

12:56 want cheese

12:58 back in bed. ate last of parmesan cheese in kitchen so good. put in recycling i want pasta now. so hungry. take of slipper dont put on besroom and sanitize

12:59 sleep

7:28 wake up

8:00 wake up

8:10 wakup. had lots of nightmarws

8:11 get out of bed go and change out of yesterday’s pants and underwear. i remember i masturbated last night and thought of a monster fucking a tied down girl. i put my pants on my desk chair and my underwear i toss into the dirty clothes corner. i go through my clean laundry hamper and put on new boxers.

8:12 i wasnt wearing my bedroom slippers last night so they weren’t by my bed. i put on my outside slippers and go to the bathroom. i use my bare hand to do things im pretty sure and i sit down and pee straight away. the lid was already open.

8:13 i finish peeing and get up. i wipe and use the same hand to flush. i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual and i brush my teeth

8:15 i finish brushing and wash my face. i wash my hands ten seconds.

8:16 i remember i wanted to do a bathroom exposure so i put my hand on the cabinet for 15 seconds. i start waiting the three minutes

8:17 i check my phone. i decide to wait until 8:19 cuz i didnt set a timer. im so fucking aware of my hand that touched the cabinet. i feel uncomfy

8:18 i decide to walk back to my room and then i decide to get water. i cant remember if i sanitized in between. i’ve been doing it less and noticing it a lot less. i bring my water glass to the kitchen and practice using my bare hand to open the door. i wipe my hand on me leg and pour water.

8:19 i go back to my room change slippers and put my water on the side of my bed. i get back in bed. i sanitize and check messages. i go on instagram briefly

8:22 ok nightmare description:

beginning was just a dream. it was me and my brother and people i was familiar with the dream but im pretty sure had never met irl. we were in this giant house that i understood to be in my godparent’s house. my nightmare erased a lot of this but there were exposed beams in the ceiling and it looked really cool and low couches and it was all stained a deep brown. we sat at the couches. my godparents arrived. music played. a lot of stuff happened but the one specific memory i have from before my nightmare started was that it was me and some guys who went to a different room to watch tv. my godbrother alex was there. we talked about how when we were little we all watched a movie on these couches. it was a semicircle of dark teal couches next to a fireplace and a monitor high up. it was super tiny. the name of the movie was super obvious at the time but i don’t remember it rn. the guys we were with told us no way we watched it there. then alex and i reremember and there’s a bigger monitor up and to the left of the small one. we say that one is the one we watched on. thats what i remember the best.

beginning of my nightmare i was with mama and Julián in our kitchen at home. they were making a chicken in the silver pot and were stuffing it and covering it in spices. the chicken was open from the top for some reason. the recipe was on the island and they kept working frantically ( wait i have to go to check in will finish later )

8:30 go to check in. i sanitize

homework last night was exposures and bas. i did it all !

ideas for exposures : repeat yesterday’s exposures and sanitize less

depression 0 last night 3

avoidance 4 last night 2

rumination 4 last night 3

self harm thoughts 0 last night 0

homicidal thoughts 0 last night 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time monday

breakfast no

slept 7 hrs woke up multiple times from nightmares

suicidal ideation 3 last night 3

anxiety 3 last night 2

8:46 finish check in and sanitize

8:47 i get up and go to the kitchen. i change slippers and go to get a banana. i peel it and eat it while standing there

8:48 i take the last third with me to my room and i change slippers and get on my bed.

8:49 i finish eating. i go onto my laptop and look at show titles for the show. i decide i like breakout room #1, you’re on mute, and we are so, so tired as my top three. two of them are mine heehee.

8:51 i email thomas my suggestions.

8:52 i go on instagram a little but mainly zone out. my headache sucks. everything hurts.

9:01 back to dream. they were working frantically and telling me to help. i start stuffing it. we stuff it with vegetables and onions until its completely covered and you can’t see it anymore. i realize we are making the barefoot contessa’s engagement chicken, which we haven’t made in years. we put it in the oven to cook

flash forward the chicken is in the same place but now cooked. mama and Julián eat a bit but complain that its raw. i move aside the vegetables and see that it is raw inside it’s sopping wet and raw chicken pink. we stuff it back up and i put a nest of parmesan cheese on top. i think it look’s like reigen’s head

we sit at a table. we each have individual engagement chickens on a plate. mine has the parmesan. it looks like a chicken but i know that it’s reigen’s head. it looks at me i see his face. it smiles and starts distorting and melting it’s terrifying.

new dream i’m in like a series of rooms in a dry desert-like town. very southern california on the way to death valley. im with tom. he says we need more people in ceramics. somehow this dream was tied into the previous dream of the house with my godparents but i don’t remember how. im in a different room ( other stuff happened but i don’t remember ) and i see multiple ceramic rocks on the table. michael is standing next to me. i look at my phone and see and internet blurb about mine. i have teal glaze on it and it congeals and drips down like thick syrupy raindrops. michael’s is like either more green like it’s teal but is a completely different color somehow. his is much thinner and translucent but also in the multidrops coming together. toms is there and pink and super thick. no drops but is puled more like a thin layer of snow on the rock. the internet blurb talks about the conceptual implications of my glaze.

i’m in a broadcast room. tom is talking for the radio about ceramics. a lot more happens that i dont remember

im walking outside. there’s tall skinny aliens. there’s a hill of dry rock and sand.

im in the broadcast room again. i turn and theres a door behind me. it’s a double door and the door disappears and there’s a face. it smiles and spins and melts and turns green and black and starts spinning like a portal and its mouth turns into a scream. it melts onto the ground. i yell for cam and she’s there and listening but after i do that someone steps through the portal. he looks up at me. it’s the boy that’s the devil but he’s taller and a man now. i see the eye. i scream and wake up.

i was awake irl now, and i felt his presence in my room. i was scared to turn around i was asleep on my side facing the wall. i wanted to check the time but i was scared to make any sudden movements. the creature that lives on my back was there too. i was terrified to go back to sleep.

i finally fell back asleep and i’m pretty sure i had another nightmare cuz that’s when i woke up at 7:28 and was terrified of going to sleep again, but i don’t remember.

9:14 i finish typing and decide not to do any hw before my meeting with megan.

9:15 i get up and go to my closet with my bedroom slippers on this time. i grab my medicine container and see i have motrin. i take one back to my bed with me

9:16 i take the motrin with some water.

9:17 so cold. i reach down and grab my betty boop blanket and wrap it around my shoulders.

9:20 i was doing something i cant remember. i join megan’s call. she asks how im doing and i say terrible. i explain im on withdrawls from effexor and have been having really terrible nightmares and bad headaches. i tell her i took a motrin and ate a banana. she’s rlly happy im eating more. she asks if i feel up for doing exposures and i say yes but give me time. she says maybe i can do a mindfulness exercise for rn to rest. i say i might veg out for a few minutes n she says i cant nap but a mindfulness meditation to rest my eyes could help. i agree. i tell her im going to type out my morning some more since that calms me down. she likes the idea. she asks if i want her to email dr wang about my withdrawls and i say sure. i also ask if she could check in that my fluoxetine was ordered in cuz i hadnt seen it on cvs yesterday. she sends the message. she asks if theres anything else i need her for and i just ask about the touching objects exposure on my assignment sheet ( my new exposure for the day is to touch 3 objects in a row without acting on compulsions ). she says a lot of it is up to me right now and whatever i am comfy with. epic.

9:32 we finish. i sit there for a bit

9:34 i text ace and kon. kon sent a meme that someone made about the artist having a nsfw art friend that can draw op fucking someones mom if they ever decide to use it as an insult. kon says im his nsfw art friend. i love the idea. kon also says we should start thirsting for timeskip haikyuu characters except kuroo cuz he looks busted as fuck. i heart react

9:36 i text eloise cuz she’s been on effexor for a while. i ask if she experiences these symptoms when she has withdrawls too.

9:38 i text back the dnd group chat. milner asked if we wanted to have a session this weekend and i reply Maybe cuz i want to go home and see Bo.

9:39 i zone out a bit. effexor hurts. i texted back some people. i messaged booker johnson asking who tf he is lmao. i google death note memes and post some to mentos. i dont have specific times for that.

9:52 ryan the nurse calls. she says my meds are at cvs. i am NOT going on fluoxetine but rather fluvoxamine. i hate medication names.

10:08 feeling so faint. whole body hurts. effexor withdrawls. crazy. maybe make pasta.

10:09 i hold three objects on my nightstand for 10 seconds each without compulsions. i start habituation

10:13 i finish. im gonna fucking kill whoever invented exposure therapy. im still not sanitizing. peak anxiety 2 final 4

10:15 i feel better. i text back a bunch of people. the usc hookup app groupchat, cam about going on luvox and not prozac cuz i expressed my concerns about that yesterday since i had a bad reaction to prozac before, and the housemates about going to target today to pick up my meds.

10:16 sam texts me on the side that he has to go get meds too. he’s free at6pm so we decide to go at 6. i wish him a happy out of touch thursday. i switch back to my laptop to talk about how i feel when not sanitizing

10:18 IM HOLDING OUT I STG

10:20 losing my mind but not anxiety. it’s just more like killing a habit. JESUS CHRIST. gonna get up and go to the kitchen and write down my day gonna leave my room. anxiety now at a 5 or 6. not even anxious i just think it’s darkly humourous and im in disbelief at myself. literally want to write to my therapist that im gonna kill her but its not gonna go well as a joke. i wanna throttle someone rn ( not really ).

10:22 im gonna lose my shit. still not sanitizing

10:24 im gonna punch someone. im in disbelief at myself. just like this is crazy. the way that i feel all of my energy and anxiety directed into my hands. it really does feel like i touched something dirty. usually i can keep this feeling at bay because im touching things for a task with the idea that i can sanitize after completing a task. but this time im fucking losing my shit because there’s no “completion.” i don’t have that safety net. im like not panicking im just reeling. it feels like im playing a sick joke on myself. it definitely feels like there is something i want to do and someone wiht higher authority is keeping me from doing it. this is crazy.

10:28 it feels like im craving a drug. gonna type out my morning to relax but wont sanitize

10:30 im just trying to see if the feeling will ever disapate on its own.


10:30 i come back to my phone and type out more of my day

10:38 i fart twice. might be the banana ?

10:39 really interesting how im unconsciously avoiding touching anything with my palms. i practice touching my arms snd blankets. it helps with the feeling. still hasnt gone away.

10:40 touch the blanket. helps a bit. it’s going away slowly !!!

10:50 i smell bread and butter. im buying bread when i go to target today. and cheese. im gonna try making tuna melts again.

10:56 the feeling is FINALLy pretty much gone. ive been typing out my day. that took almost an entire hour to dissipate

11:00 i pause typing to join my meeting with megan. jameline is leading this time ! i really like her now that i’ve talked with her more. i tell them about my experiment. they think it’s awesome. we talk about my plans for the day and i say im gonna try and focus the most on exposures since the time i have with check ins from them is really important and helpful. they both agree. at the end jameline checks in with megan to make sure she didn’t miss anything and megan say no she did great

11:07 we end. i genuinely feel happy. i write down the meetinf

11:09 im gonna finish typing then im starving im gonna make pasta.

11:12 caught up on my day !!! gonna go to kitchen. i finally sanitize as i get up. i feel my body relax. i did really well rn.


2:09 leave treatment nap now badheadache will do brief update later heaf urt too much to use phone

2:32 update memsona jon slack


3:56 we are getting a graduation irl. i forgot i was graduating. i made it in four years. i really did. if i can just get through these next few weeks ill have graduated in four years. ive worked so hard. to make it happen. ive worked so hard ive been. through so much shit sorry im crying rn if i make typos its cuz i cant see i. im gonna do it. i thought id have to hold a semester so many times. i. i made it im making it. theyre gonna read my legal name out loud. i wanna cry. i really made it happen. i made my name happen. i havent died. im alive. im graduating with my friends. i didnt fall behind. i didnt fail. im almost there. i just have to push hard and get my life back together.


4:00 text dr levy about graduation

4:01 text cam and bacon about graduation

4:09 text ace. crying so hard. theyre the one that would understand the most.

4:16 i caught up in obey me. was crying and on my phone on instagram. i just sat there for a while. felt good to sob big tears that were out of relief

4:20 i got up and walked to my desk. i did my touch three objects exposure holding items with both hands. i did habituation for three minutes. anxiety during 1 after 1.

4:24 i go to the kitchen and wait a minute

4:25 i felt nothing from the objects so i go right ahead and do both hands on the fridge for 15 seconds this time. habituate for three minutes. i start crying again

4:26 start panicking about how it will kill me now that ive been past 10 and how if it wouldnt kill me at 10 it will kill me if i go longer

4:28 walk back to my room and timer dings. go and sanitize twice and log both exposures into my checklist. i am done with objects one more for fridge two more for bathroom. started typing this down n going over what i did while crying

4:37 caught up. headache from crying. texted back dr levy and ace cuz they both said they r proud of me. gonna do bathroom rn. realized i walked into my room with my bedroom slippers. too drained to care. sanitize and leave room. i went to the bathroom changed slippers and did two rounds. the first round i did palms on the mirror 15sec and then habituation.

4:40 i finish. anxiety 3 then 4

4:41 after a break and i recognize ive calmed down i do one more round, touching the inside of the cabinet. i freak but then freak more during habituation

4:44 bad number but i have to stop changing the time when i see it. i come back and write it down. anxiety 3 then 5. i sanitize

4:47 my hands r super tingly from stress. keeping myself from thinking that they r gonna fall off and keeping myself from sanitizing again

4:49 relaxed a bit more. gonna transfer over more of my sim logs and start to do my days as well so i can send to committee

4:50 i have to pee and get water so i get up and go change slippers and bring my water glass with me. i use my sleeve to open the fridge and bare hand to pour water. too tired to fight anything rn. i drink water and set it on a trivet so it doesn’t touch the table. i go use my sleeve to open the bathroom change slippers sit down

4:51 i go #1 and 2

4:53 i get up and wipe and use my nonwipe hand to grab more toilet paper and flush. i go to the sink and wash twenty seconds scrub hard but no ritual. i go to dry my hands but i see a fly and i freak out i change slippers run out the bathroom

5:00 i farted. i think its cuz i ate pasta

5:01 i join class. im basically done with this class and i only wrote two essays


no update today bad side effect brain zaps can barely focus eyes. layinh fown. this is zoloft all over again. gonna email dr davis sdk whst i can do but wait til tomorrow after meeting dr wang. nauseous dizzy want to throw up cant stand up or walk well so sensitive to side effects tjis is not fun. crying quietly so jamie wendy sam cant hear. talking normal so they dont notice. i love crying pretty.


hesd hurt but when i close eyes i jusy see the devil’s eye looking around rapidly like itd trying to find me. i dont know where to go. orange eye red iris bloodshot just moving frantically in the dark. hes gonna find me. i cant run rn.