1:43am going to start writing down my day again. just needed a break because my side effects were still bad. doing better now. going to sleep.

11:32 i wake up. i dreamed but i dont remember. i check instagram

11:38 i text ace. we r playing 8 ball. mimi and i text about watching drive to survive season three and star wars episode 6 this week.

11:39 i check my mail

11:44 i catch up on obey me. i remember i masturbated last night. i thought about an ugly guy fucking a girl again. i have no idea why i keep thinking of that.

11:45 i reflect on not taking notes yesterday cuz of my side effects. that was the first time i truly hadn’t taken notes in 19 days. it was weird because i missed taking notes not out of panic, but because it really did cause me to be more mindful of my actions. i ended up sanitizing a lot more after treatment than i probably would have if i was taking notes. my ability to stop and not freak out means this isn’t a compulsion, though, so i’m glad i tested that out actually.

12:06 ive been on instagram

12:10 i catch up on obey me. i stare at my ultra rare cards of lucifer.

12:12 i text kon to check in on them. they got some really triggering news yesterday and were doing badly.  i check instagram

12:13 i hear milner sweeping and i get worried. i have to sweep too for exposure therapy now there wont be anything for me to sweep

12:14 i get up and go to my clean laundry hamper. i pick out a pair of boxers and a shirt to bring home with me. i also put on a new shirt and throw my old shirt into the dirty clothes corner. i see that milner is sweeping their room and not outside.

12:15 i go outside change slippers. i eat some of wendy’s brownies. i decide to try and 3/4 my effexor dose this morning. i use the teaspoon to take some of the mini balls i got out of the gel capsule and pour them in a shotglass. i grab water barehanded for all steps and pour water in

12:17 i try and stir it around to dissolve. i let it sit

12:18 sam leaves the restroom and says good morning. i try stirring some more

12:19 i use the back of my wrist to turn on the light and close the door and i use toilet paper to open up the lid. i sit down

12:20 i pee and write this all down

12:24 i get up and wipe and use my nonwipe hand to get toilet paper to wipe down the sink and more to flush. i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i brush my teeth

12:26 i finish brushing my teeth. i rinse my mouth and wash my face. i grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and toothbrush charger to take with me home. it feels gross so i set them down and use a paper towel to grab them instead. i leave the bathroom using my shirt hem to open the door.

12:27 i set the bathroom stuff down on the counter and sanitize. i go to open the cabinet under the sink when i realize almost every single cabinet door has been left open by someone. i ask aloud what happened and milner walks over.

12:28 milner has no idea. they throw away their parmesan cheese and are going to shower. they say love you and then leave. i say love u too.

12:29 i direct my attention back to the cabinet. i dont touch any of the open cabinets. i use my shirt hem to open it and my bare hands to find a plastic bag for my toiletries. it feels gross. i find one but knock another to the ground but i pick it up and put it away and close the cabinet with my leg then go to the table and sanitize. i put my toiletries in the plastic bag

12:30 im sad im sanitizing so much while im away from treatment. i have to be more mindful. i go to check on my medication. it hasn’t dissolved. i stir it to loosen it up and take the shot of water. it doesn’t get all of it

12:31 i grab water all barehanded and take another shot of water. i get more of it. i take another shot and finally get it all. my phone falls down onto the ground from my pocket

12:32 i grab my phone and sanitize it and my hands. i move the shotglass and teaspoons to by the sink and i sanitize again.

12:32 i go to my room change slippers and put on my face oil and vaseline on my lips. i go to try and find my red bag to put them in but i can’t find it. i change slippers and go out and see it on the ground. i pick it up and take it to my room change slippers.

12:33 i take out the stuff i got at target on thursday ( cant remember how much i was able to write on thursday ) and i put it on my desk. i close a desk drawer that was left open yesterday. i grab my chargers and put them in the bag and my medication as well. i put my clothes in ans decide to take a pair of overalls too just in case i need to leave the house.

12:34 i change slippers and bring my bag out. i put my laptop in my bag. i grab my sanitizer and plastic bag and take them to my room. i change slippers and put my sanitizer on my desk and put my face oil in my plastic bag. i change slippers and leave my room

12:35 i grab my red bag and make sure i have everything i need. i go to walk out of the house and use my shirt hem to open the door. i hear milner showering. i change into my red slip on shoes and leave

12:36 i get in my car sanitize

12:37 start typing

12:39 i notice my hands are peeling really, really badly so i stop typing and peel off all the big flakes so my mom wont notice

12:42 i start typing again

12:49 i brush the dead skin off the seat and onto the car floor.

12:53 i finish typing. i turn on my car and turn off wifi to set up spotify. im sweating its hot out in my car

12:54 i start driving. i put the volume to 14 and cam’s playlist on, not a.g. cook.

1:00 i sanitize while waiting to turn left on expo

1:03 i sanitize and start chewing gum while waiting to enter the express lane

1:?? i can’t take it anymore and i put a.g. cook on and turn the volume to 29 (my favorite prime number) when i pass by the 710. i had started panicking about wanting to leave the treatment program already because i was scared of the people there.

1:38 i sanitize at heil street

1:43 i arrive home and sanitize. i get out my things and go to the door

1:44 i find my keys at the bottom of my bag after struggling a bit and then open the door. bo races to greet me. hes so cute.

1:45 my dad and mom walk up and i hug them. bo is pawing at my leg for me to pay attention to him again

1:46 i enter the kitchen. mama tells me that she drove up to LA today to get bagels because she read about them in the ny times. she says i can have one

1:47 i slice one and put it in the toaster. i go to pet bo. mama asks how my program is doing and i tell her it’s going well.

1:50 my bagel is ready and im about to put it on the cutting board but my mom makes me get a plate because she doesn’t want something warm on the plastic. it was instinct from not using plates in LA.

1:51 my mom gives me the butter and cream cheese to try. i try the butter on the bagel first

1:52 it’s the best bagel i’ve ever had. i butter the rest of the half and eat it. my mom cuts herself a bit from the other half to eat. she tells me about the hour wait and how you can’t order plain bagels there, you have to get toppings

1:53 i put cream cheese on the other half and eat it. for the last 1/3 i put butter AND cream cheese on. i ask if it’s ok if i use the same knife and mama says yes.

1:54 i finish and go to take my stuff upstairs. mama puts the plate in the dishwasher and puts plastic wrap over the butter. i go upstairs and see bo in his bed looking at me and wagging his tail.

1:55 i go into my room qnd open the door. i call for him and he jumps onto my bed. i sit there too and open my laptop

1:56 i plug in my charger for my laptop. my mom comes over and sees i’ve gotten into bed and can’t believe i came home just to get into bed. i say it’s cuz its the one place bo can lay down with me and she says that doesn’t matter. i text ace and kon abt eren

1:57 i’m closing tabs on my laptop to clean up my browser from clutter. i check my mail. my mom grabs her class rings and comes to show me them. we talk about her getting me a class ring

1:58 i pull up the usc rings and show her the options. my mom talks about how she got my dad a class ring for his birthday when they were dating and how she had to prove to the school that he was a graduate. we talk about ring sizes and my mom says i sized mine all wrong. oops. it’s ok.

1:59 i print out the ring sizer that finally loaded from the usc site

2:03 mama leaves my room to go on her walk. bo presses up against me and falls asleep. i hear her ask papa if he bent his ring and he says something i can’t hear. mama comments that he has a bag for his class ring. “fancy” she says

2:04 papa is vacuuming upstairs. he brings me the ring sizer paper and asks if i want the door closed or open. i say closed since bo seems comfortable and won’t get up soon

2:05 im on instagram a bit

2:12 i text ace and kon more about eren jaegar. ace hates us for saying these things

2:18 spencer invites me to the prussia discord server. i join and get welcomed. i go on instagram some more

2:35 i post an intro to the server from my phone. i try and change my nickname but it doesn’t work so i go back to my laptop

2:36 spencer and i chat in the server

2:43 we’ve been chatting. i zoned out. spencer and alex are watching strawberry panic and spencer sends me the link in case i wanna join today. i say maybe but i’m busy with the sims

2:44 i start typing down the day

2:53 bo curls around my leg even more. i love him

2:58 i catch up. sims time bye bye not gonna jump back and forth just gonna play hopefully

3:58 i take a break from the sims and cuddle with bo. jon texted me

4:04 i go downstairs to drink some water. im hungry

4:05 i grab a half bolillo and i put it in the toaster. i grab a plate for it to remind myself that plates are safe to touch. i take the butter from the bagel out and cut a few thin slices so itll soften faster. i grab a glass of water and drink it

4:06 i take it out and put it on the plate. i put the butter onto the bolillo and fold it in half so it melts. i eat it. it’s so good.

4:07 i finish. my dad walks up and asks what i’m doing. i tell him abt the bolillo and he likes my idea.

4:08 i take my plate to the sink and scrape it and rinse. i ask my dad if the dishwasher is dirty and he says yes. i put the plate and the knife in it and close it.

4:10 im still hungry. i go and see the fudge sauce in the pantry and i check if we have one in the fridge. we do. i also see the potato chips. i take a new knife and take out some fudge and put it in the bowl. my dad asks what im doing and i explain how sam and i keep talking about this

4:11 i tell my dad about sam’s thesis. we talk for a while

4:25 my dad asks if i want to kick the soccer ball around later. i say maybe but i want to get more work done

4:27 my mom calls and i miss it but i immediately call back. she asks what im doing and i say im eating chocolate potato chips. she jokes and asks if im on my period. we talk abt dinner. she lists off options and i say mussels. she’s almost home and will talk with my dad about it

4:30 my dad comes up with mail. he shows me the insurance statement for the php program. april 30th is the last day that insurance covers the program, and they can reapply but they might get rejected. anything after that is out of pocket. i have to get better enough by april 30th to leave treatment.

4:34 i drink more water and go wash my plate and knife from the chips. i put the fudge and potato chips away. it’s so nice to be able to wash dishes.

4:35 i walk upstairs and grab the ring sizing paper. i look for scissors and go to my mom’s room. i realize ive been barefoot for some time and it makes me happy.

4:36 im cutting out the paper and the front door opens. my mom comes home. she talks with my dad about going to costco to look if they have mussels. she comes upstairs and asks what i’n doing in her office. i show her the ring sizing paper. she goes to her room to change from her walk

4:37 i go to my room with the cut paper and i measure my finger. i’m a 6 and a half. i announce to mama and she says that makes sense.

4:38 bo has taken over my bed. i move him to the side but he still somehow takes up 3/4 of it. i let him. i cuddle up with him for a bit

4:42 i take photos of him and post to my private story

4:44 i send a photo of him to ace. i go on instagram

4:50 i figure out who moe is, the person always messaging me. it’s an old friend from csssa who changed their name. i find their photo online so i recognize them. it feels good to realize i dont have a random stalker or anything lmao

4:58 i have a headache. oh no

5:03 i text ace and kon about eren jaegar. i start to write down the past while

5:10 mimi texts. she wants to watch drive to survive and episode 6 this week but is gonna be in san diego to get a new retainer and wants to spend time with her mom so it might be a while. i say of course

5:12 i cuddle with bo for a minute. he grumbles a bit but he lets me

5:14 head killing me. more sims brb

5:15 in the hour i left my laptop without charging it fucking ran out of battery. it was at 100%. im so tired. i hope my game is ok.

5:16 it boots up and i log in. i dont think i have brain zaps my head just hurts like a mf

5:19 the sims restarts. i probably lost all my progress lmao im just gonna fastforward since i paused when my sim woke up

7:14 i start washing. theyre super clean adn thwres not a lot of bearss

7:19 i finish washing muscles. mama comes and gets them

8:43 ive been talking. will update later. drank some wine. gonna play more sims. so many texts i gottq catch up i pet bo for like ten minutes n lost so much track of time

( i then continued to play the sims until past midnight.

summary of the night: mama cooked mussels. i helped clean them and the set the table for dinner. we finished a bottle of red wine - i had two glasses. we talked about me getting a job and about mama’s friend alan. we also talked about the guy who actually took out the broken mussels while getting mama her order a whole foods. we talk about mama going to get drinks with her friends but the names matched up with two of my aunts so we got confused. the conversation turns to trying to track the lives of our extended family members and the status of my friends from middle and high school. then we finish dinner and mama brought me a cake slice that she got from whole foods. papa takes the mussel shells to the trash and i help pick up dishes. i wipe crumbs off the table and clean the counter. we talk about the bachelor finale and about our time on designer’s challenge. mama asks me to give her the unlisted youtube link and i say sure.

we finish cleaning and mama asks papa about worms for the compost. he says he can’t find any in stock when he goes to get them still. he’s trying to find red wrigglers. mama and him talk about it while i head to the family room. i set up my laptop there and lay out a blanket for bo to lay on cuz he’s technically not allowed on the couch. this is a loophole that only exists while i am home.

bo jumps up and i see my laptop died from battery again. i forgot to save the sims but luckily the game is still running when my laptop boots up. i immediately save my game and keep playing. i watch tv with my parents but that continues in my note for after midnight. i try not to use my phone too much with my parents so this unfortunately does not have the timestamps like usual !!!! )