12:14 i check obey me

12:25 i finish obey me and scratch my neck. its stiff qnd i try and crack it

12:26 i crack it

12:39 we finish the documentary. i get up and walk through the kitchen to my room. i stop to get water all barehanded

12:40 eloise found an image of a guy or a friend that found shrimp tails in his cereal box. i take my methylfolate risperdal lamictal in my room. i come back out.

12:41 i’m standing outside my door debating if i should we sweep or not n

12:43 i ask if i can sweep. sam says yes. he then goes into the bathroom

12:45 i start. i’m sweeping the entryway

12:50 i stop. i finally have a chance to look at the image eloise sent me. its insane. i dont run to my room to sanitize

12:51 i talk about the guy that fucked the mcchicken. sam comes our of the bathroom

12:54 eloise leaves and sam goes to bed

12:56 i change slipper and go into the bathroom dont use my hands

12:57 i open the lid with toilet paper. i see a hair that isn’t mine and internally i freak out. i brush it into the bowl with the same toilet paper and i stop myself from cleaning it. i sit down and pee

12:58 i finish peeing. i stand up wipe and use more toilet paper to flush. i go and wash my hands ten seconds no ritual. i brush my teeth. i notice how dirty the sink is its so dirty i freak out i want to get out

1:00 i finish. i rinse my mouth and wash my face. i want to try and put on my testosterone but i freak out so much more

1:01 i try to grab my face oil but it falls on the ground and i gag and cough. i want to throw it away but it’s eight dollars. i use toilet paper to pick it up and i flush the toilet paper. i wash my hands. i think i use my face oil i can’t remember i was panicking. i wash my hands again dont pay attention time i think five seconds i just need to get out of the bathroom as fast as possible. i know i have to add this to my exposure hierarchy now

1:03 i go into my room change slippers. i sanitize three times

1:04 i change my underwear and shirt. the texture of the shirt scares me but i force myself to keep it on. i’m panicking

1:05 i get into bed and sanitize my hands

1:07 im so ugly and gross. i need to shower but i just. i feel my hair i hate having body hair but im scared of shaving now because then i see all the hair and the shower is too small for me to shave in i just i need to get out of this bathroom and into a bigger one.

1:11 i finish writing tjis down. im so stressed. gonna take deep breaths set alarms then sleep. everything is so dirty im dirty. dirty i need to get clean. i want to peel off my skin. i want to claw off my skin. 1:12 i check my mail. jwest submitted at 11:51. i breathe a sigh of relief

1:13 i email her back

1:15 i finish emailing. i set alarms goodnight. check insta brieflt turn off light gnite

8:10 morning ! dream i think but hsrd to rememberb i made nfts. we had to find the most unique fixture and i chose three bodies melted into one. our teacher chose a lamp hanging from a ceiling in the middle of a strip mall

8:15 pee

8:20 leave

8:28 finish filling incheck in

(8:48pm me filling this in:

hw last night was sweeping, volume at a nonprime number, exposures, and eating. i had a bit of avoidance but i did it all

ideas are me working up to showering and picking up my room

depression 0 last night 2

avoidance 2 last night 5

rumination 2 last night 5

self harming thoughts 0 last night 1

homicidal thoughts 0 last night 1

some of them are higher than a 4 because of the discovery scholarship

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time last monday

breakfast eating rn

slept 6.5 and i slept ok

suicidal ideation 1 last night 2

anxiety 2 last night 5 )

8:29 eat banana

8:30 join group

8:31 finish banana

8:42 end group

8:43 scratch underarms

8:45 floor exposure

8:48 finish 3 0

8:49 change slippers and exit room. bring my banana peel on its paper towel and throw it away. want to sanitize but don’t

8:51 start fridge exposure

8:54 finish 0 and then unsure if 0 or 1 but anxiety on the rise about dirty table

8:55 i wipe off the table with a paper towel ripped in half and i pick up the half eaten cheese biscuit someone left on the table with the paper towel and throw it all away. my hands feel disgusting. i want to clean the table and sanitize so bad

8:57 i change slippers and start the bathroom cabinet.

9:00 i finish. 0 0. i learned finally how to wink with my right eye it’s taken months of practice

9:01 i scratch my ear. i open the fridge barehanded and grab bread and take it out. i put two slices in the toaster and eat one slice plain

9:03 finish my slice. i check my email and megan says there’s a therapist shadowing her again. i say sure she can be on camera. i hold three objects for 10 seconds each

9:07 finish. 0 0

9:08 i get my toast out of the toaster and onto a paper towel. i grab cream cheese from the fridge barehanded

9:09 i grab a knife using my nail to open the drawer and i put cream cheese on my bread. i eat

9:13 i finish eating. i go and get plastic wrap barehanded and wrap up the last of my cream cheese. i use a napkin and my paper towel to wipe up any crumbs and throw it away. i put the cream cheese away barehanded

9:14 i go to my room and grab my water glass from the edge of my desk. i go to the fridge and get milk barehanded

9:15 i finish my milk and drain the glass. i fill it with water instead and drink as i go to my room and change slippers

9:16 on bed

9:18 i smell so bad

9:19 i finish typing here i go to plug my exposures in

9:20 megan

9:35 finish. her vacation went well ! we talk about my homework and the anxiety i feel about finishing. she tells me to keep an eye on it. we discuss the effexor withdrawls.

9:37 walk barefoot 1min

9:41 finish 0 0. set alarm 10am goodnight

9:55 i didnt nap but zoned out. feel better

9:57 catch up on obey me. i fart

10:00 went on insta. watch hxh dance video. i need to lose weight

10:01 text back ace abt dream making music. i bet it sucks

10:02 augustina sends me a reddit video from tiktok cringe

10:03 get up and walk around bedroom floor no slippers for one minute

10:07 finish. 0 0

10:08 dont use slippers in room but go put on living room slippers and cross kitchen to go to bathroom. i use shirt to open door toilet paper for seat sit down

10:09 # 1 and 2. check insta immediately exit

10:10 i get up wipe and flush. i go wash my hands ten seconds no ritual then touch the side of the bathroom cabinet for 15 seconds

10:13 finish. 0 0. i get up and wash my hands ten seconds n clean under my nails

10:14 i exit and go get my water from my desk. i bring it back out and sip

10:16 i go and rub my hands all over the fridge for ten seconds

10:19 i finish. 0 0. i grab my water refill barehanded then go to my room and get on my bed. i want to do retrain ocd

10:20 i check and my meeting is at 10:35 not 10:30. nice

10:21 i start retrain ocd

10:29 i finish. it makes me dissociatw a bit just cuz my eyes unfocus. gonna take a break n fill in exposures

10:31 i fill in. gonna do more. touch 4 objects 10 sec dont use slippers either

10:35 finish. 0 0

10:39 bathroom floor one minute

10:44 finish. that one sucked. 2 5. i go and wipe my feet with my hands and then sanitize my hands. i fart. i text spencer

10:45 join call with megan

10:57 finish. updates exposures

10:58 touch clothes on the ground for 10 seconds each. i challenge myself and touch a sock

11:02 i finish. 4 and then after anxiety peaked at 5 finished at 2. but now its a five again. i wanna hand sanitize so bad.

11:05 sanitizw so i can move on. i touch four objects this time technology and put my hands on my face

11:09 finish. 4 and 6 cuz of face

11:10 sanitize. i go to log it in and realize i wasn’t touching technology. i was supposed to touch clothes on the ground. oops lmao.

11:12 my face burns i want to sanitize wash it so bad. i use my sanitized hands to rub it and it feels better

11:13 change slippers touch sink

11:16 finished. 4 and 7. cried and gagged

11:17 changed slippers came to room took off slippers and got in bed. sanitized twice and filled out chart

11:19 check instagram. comment on avery’s bday post. love him

11:24 im laughing like a crazy person. i finish. 3 5 i go to my room take off slippers and sanitize

11:27 i email jennifer. she’s proud of me and i say thank you

11:28 clothes time


11:39 finish ramen cooked for 3min

11:40 sanitize

11:45 join lunch hang out group

12:00 we leave

12:01 we join group therapy

12:21 i crack my neck hard

12:24 again. helps with my headache

12:27 milner comes and kisses me on the head. love them

brainstorm in group:

who accommodates my symptoms and how they can be better supporters of my ocd

my roommates - this one is super hard because allegedly milner took the kitchen chore from me but they also rarely clean the kitchen so sam does it sometimes and wendy does it ( she’s also kitchen duty )

• what i can do is i don’t know. i need help on this one. i think a sanitary thing that i do at home too is just clean the stove if i get food on it at home and clean the counters at night when i cook, so maybe if i cook more then i clean if i make a bit of a mess rather than leaving it for someone else to take care of
• also with sam taking out the trash maybe the next time i notice the trash is full i take it out myself ! just more of instead of avoiding it in the moment i can help out more around the house

my mom - telling me i can come home at any time because she knows that my ocd is worse in LA

• right now i just tell her no, and she knows better not to offer it but sometimes she still does but prefaces it with saying that i don’t need to respond, she just wants to say it cuz shes a mom

ace - letting me tell them compulsive statements

• they do really well in not interacting with me when i do that and i tell them not to do that, maybe ill ask that next time i need to say something they need to tell me no. it used to be a thing where i would need an outside person to tell me ‘stop’ or ‘this thing won’t hurt you’ and i’m getting better at doing it on my own now but i think now that i’m stronger i’m doing it more on my own and i need to keep it that way !

cam - letting me come to her house instead of coming to mine and cooking for me

• i invite her to my house and cook for her occasionally so that way we trade off instead, or i help clean after we eat at her house that way i’m not sitting there letting her take care of everything

12:58 end group. start crying a little. its so nice to have people that understand. we all just talked about how we came to rogers. and how a lot of us felt defeated and tried so hard to hold out. idk it just meant a lot. crying now a lot



1:01 go ourside change slipper touch sink

1:04 finish 2 then 6 right after then 3. texting kon and ace. XII WAS IN THE PSYCH WARD LMAOOO

1:07 bathroom floor for a minute

1:11 milner comes over. they r wearing overalls ! they offer me orange slices yay

1:12 finish. 5 or 6 then 3. i close the door and pee use toilet paper to open lid

1:13 i get up wipe flush. nothing specific. i wash hands ten seconds no ritual. i wanna start sink again but i’ll wait a second

1:14 its only been two minutes but im gonna do one more sink soon. i fart

1:15 sink time. 15 seconds

1:18 finish. 5 then 6 then 3. wash hands. i gagged a lot. ten seconds no ritual

1:19 walk outside. sam is emptying the dishwasher. milner cut up orange slices on the cutting board.

1:20 i sit down n eat one. i complain about exposure and how i wanna throttle megan’s neck but as a joke but i can’t say that

1:21 fridge time

1:25 finish. im going fucking kill something ( not reall im just WHY TF AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF ) 4 then 5 then 3

1:27 i get on my bed and cough / gag a lot. i sanitize and fill out my forms

1:31 i log onto megans meeting and wait. im gaining weight i can see my face get fat

1:43 end. will fill in later one more exposure. ok so we just went over my exposures and i explained my new three number system to include the hands on my face. we discuss my hw and what to do and so we change it from sweeping to putting away clean laundry. we want to come back to sweeping in a few days. she says i’m doing really great and i’m really happy !!! i am also going to start officially tracking bans now so now its for program and not just for here, and i track urges as well

1:44 i go outside and put on my slippers. i hear stomping around and realize it’s sam doing laundry. we talk. he wants to get his life together but also has to work on his thesis. he wants to eat

1:45 wendy arrives back from the mall. sam asks her what she got and she says a face cream and a new tank top to work out in. sam is taking food out of the freezer and finds a brownie in tupperware. he asks what it is and wendy says it might be a pot brownie. i philosophize about the brownie. sam says Much to think about

1:46 start fridge. rub for ten seconds

1:48 finish fridge. 4 then 4 then 3. sam thinks i should make nfts and i agree. i joke that people should dm each other “ hi can you please. can you please sell me an nft of you cumming with the sound on please “ urge to sanitize

1:51 typing stuff down. feel calmer. have to go fill out check out form.

1:52 urge to sanitize. i take of my slippers when i get to my room and get on my bed

1:53 post to mentos. my teeth hurt from tension i think

1:56 check mail to find homework for today. not too shabby

1:57 fill out form. urge to sanitize. i cough. still getting over my exposures i think

1:58 wanna throw up so bad.

2:00 join group. urge to sanitize

———- ( to track bans now


2:02 wendy is walking back and forth to her room unsure of what she’s doing. i hear sam cooking in the kitchen

2:08 leave group. check out:

i worked on exposure, retrainocd, and thought diffusion. i did all my work during the day !

depression 0

avoidance 2

rumination 4

self harm thoughts 0

homicidal thoughts 0

i will watch tv with nonprime volume number, and put away clean laundry  )


2:10 urge to sanitize

2:13 urge to sanitize. made a google doc so i can update it there. x is to resist y is to submit on there. i sanitize. so much harder when you’re thinking about it

2:14 go on instagram

2:18 i fart

2:19 urge to sanitize

2:39 been on instagram. check messages

3:04 been on instagram screenrecording videos. texting sam and ace and kon. sam is sending me memes for mentos and im posting. we are talking abt his youtube history

3:05 check obey me

3:08 check mail

3:10 try and check instagram but the app doesnt seem to be working

3:33 instagram. zoned out for a bit that was nice. gonna put away laundry then play sims. urge to sanitizw

3:34-3:43 constant urge to sanitize as i put away clothes

3:43 sanitize

3:44 sanitize

3:45 bathroom toilet papwr for lid. instagram and mail while i pee

3:46 got up wiped flushed washed hands ten seconds no ritual. change slippers go outside sit in living room

3:47 might go into the backyard to get fresh air i thibk the ramen made me feel Terrible

3:57 calmed down. in living room. might take my laptop out to work here. what if i die right now

3:58 i feel spiders on me

3:59 i feel fucking awful. either im gonna eat chocolate or im gonna make pasta to calm my stomach down idk yet

4:00 eating chocolate cake. used shirt hem to open up fridge and also drawer to get fork

4:02 maybe ill watch the next round of videos

4:03 text kon and ace about eren jaegar

4:05 put cake away barehanded urge to sanitize

4:06 go to room change slippers get laptop water glass urge to sanitize change slippers go outside to grey couch in living room. lay down urge to sanitize

4:08 message ren asking for tattoo touch ups maybe no ill ask in a week when my bipp is more healed. i notice my leg hair. i want to die

4:11 zoning out. check instagram. laying down on grey couch. i want to do drugs so bad. just to feel something other than bad

4:19 texting kon abt eren jaegar

4:21 check mail. read email abt usc opening up. i think we’re being too optimistic lmao. sam exits his room to go to the bathroom. he’s been writing

4:23 sam and i talk abt usc opening up. we talk abt how everyone we know is getting vaccinated and how mimi is the only one in the house without her first shot. i cant wait to go get brunch with cam and bacon. i sit up against the wall. sam goes into the bathroom. maybe ill bring out my blanket

4:24 i get up go to my room without changing slippers and grab my komaeda blanket. i get the urge to sanitize when i turned off the light in my room. i go back out and sit down

4:26 i hear sam flush. he walks out and into his room

4:27 milner exits their room. they are listening to a podcast about aretha franklin and getting something from the pantry. it’s kind of loud

4:33 i catch up on obey me. so tired. milner is watching tv now

4:34 they get a phone call. they throw something away and i smell the trash. i want to throw up so bad but i shouldnt force myself

4:35 milner realizes im there n gives me forehead kiss. they are rewatching supernatural


4:38 on laptop. now. went to sams room and asked if i could work and he said yes. he shows me the air freshener he got. no wonder it always smells so nice in his room. i need to get one

4:39 i need to lose weight for my graduation outfit. i start up the sims

4:40 they updated the game. i go to google and i download the newest version of wickedwhims. i tell sam about wickedwhims

4:41 i exchange files in my mods folder to update it. i click enable mods in the sims game options and close the game

4:42 i restart the sims

4:43 i literally cant wait until i can play for fun i wanna use university and star wars SO BAD. ok going to sims notes for now if anything noteworthy happens ill update here


4:46 my computer is lagging bad

4:47 i save and exit the sims. i scratch my underarm. i check messages but there’s nothing new

4:48 i force quit the game

4:49 it restarts

5:04 i scratch my back

5:16 i fart

5:27 sam gets up and goes to the kitchen. he’s been reading a book about the emperor he’s studying. i fart. he checks his laundry and then comes back saying it’s not dry yet. i go back to the sims

5:54 sam got his laundry and is folding it and putting it away. he makes it look so easy

5:55 i check my messages. ace texted kon and i abt danganronpa

6:08 my back just cracked so nicely. ace sent a comic of nekomaru and fuyuhiko

6:15 comic was Insane. insane comic

6:30 my battery is running low so i go to my room. i say bye to sam. he says jay will be here soon and he’s gonna go for a walk

6:31 i leave sam’s room and go to my room. i take off my slippers and plug in my laptop into its charger

6:32 sam’s room smelled so nice so i organize my candles and light them so my room will smell pretty. seeing my empty floor feels amazing

6:33 i start to pick up the last of my clothes. i also organize my recycling and start to put away objects. i get the urge to sanitize 3 times in the beginning.

i keep myself from touching technology objects because i know that will tire me our. i also stop myself from sweeping or putting my dirty laundry in my hamper

i make my bed for the first time in ages. it feels good. i also organized my makeup counter. i feel so much better in a neat room. cam could come over now !!!!

6:54 i have myself stop. i take my mac and cheese boxes that i got at target and put on my slippers walk and put them in the pantry. then i come back and take off my slippers and sit on my made bed.

6:56 sanitize twice and sanitize my feet

6:58 i fart

6:59 urge to sanitize

7:00 urge to sanitize my feet and hands

7:04 i feel my whole body relax. i want to organize things a bit more tomorrow too.

7:09 been on instagram. i fart. the ramen got to me ;(

7:16 text ace and kon about cleaning my room and about my love for gundham tanaka. i tell them about my candles

7:17 i text sam askinf abt his air freshener. i want to get it cuz it calmed me down so much. i scratch my arm. i check obey me

7:20 i catch up on obey me. i go to check my mail. casey sent us info about the artist talk.

7:21 i go to instagram to post info but linktree won’t let me sign in. something’s wrong on their end. ill wait so i can put the rsvp link there n then announce it. i scroll on insta

7:25 i get off instagram.

7:27 i wish i had windows that opened in this room. urge to sanitize. open sims again

7:33 i fart

8:02 i scratch my chin. urge to sanitize

8:06 i scratch the back of my head. i pause from sims and check messages

8:08 kon sends a meme and i post to mentos. we’re 2 away from 1,300 followers. i go back to messages. ace is sending us danganronpa 4 komas. theyre all so cute

8:17 i screenrecorded two asmr youtube videos and posted to mentos. sam texted me the info on the air freshener. ace sent me another 4koma. gonna start sims again soon

8:18 starting sims. my goal is to start working at my desk again maybe ? i just like my bed so much. that’s a really good goal i think since right now i dont work there cuz all the technology is there

8:29 another break from sims. i text augustina all my ideas about how the game mirrors my ocd. i want to eat but im not hungry and i don’t want to gain weight but my appetite is insane. i need an appetite suppressing medication please. maybe ill sleep early

8:47 on instagram posting. i should go to the bathroom and drink more water. im full but im so hungry. what do i Do. urge to sanitize

8:53 i fill in my check in from this morning. i text ace about wanting to be in love.

9:04 ace sends me screencaps from the komahina dj theyre reading. those two boys r so in love.

9:05 talk abt painting my nails like komaeda. ace says junko red. i say yes.

9:06 i move my laptop to the ground and set my betty boop blanket down and relax. i get the red nail polish

9:11 painted one hand red

10:31 finished nails. the right hand looks a lot worse with the detail but im getting there. i did better than expected for sure

10:32 check mail. i want to finish up the day in sims but i have to pee and i JUAT FUCKINF FINISHED PAINTING MY NAILS U STFG

10:44 ok theyre dry now im gonna pee i hope they stay

11:07 7 urges to sanitize. peed got water took pills closed door. another.

11:11 pull laptop closer. text ace. tired. gonna finish sims and sleep

11:42 finish sims until i wake up on day 10. unpluf laptop move to side

11:43 check messages. reply to sam and ace. im hungry. i hear wendy outside

11:58 im back. ate tamales. too tired to elaborate. gnite