7:50 gm.  i feel my lip split again. no dream. i check instagram

8:10 i fell asleep again. dreamed but don’t remember. so tirrd. need to start drinking coffee or something

8:13 urge to sanitize

8:14 admire my nails n get up

8:15 check mail. ok get up time

8:16 male bed. vaseline on lips grab water

8:17 chqneg

8:23 five urges. one guve im

8:31 urge. join group

8:45 finish group

_______

8:48 go outside put on slippers urge to sanitize

8:49 get bread barehanded. put two in toaster. eat butt while i wait

8:50 fridge exposurw

8:54 finish. 4 3 3. urges thruout habituation

8:59 finish bread. wendy comes in accodentally opens my fridge then opens hers. shes gonna tru and make her fancy breakfast with theee minutes until class

9:00 do bathroom. before i go i put my last slice of bread on the toaster

9:01 wendy goes to join class. she saysshe will put camera off then keep cooking

9:04 finish. 3 1. the trash smells so bad today i want to throw up. two urges after habituation

9:05 urge. my toast is done and i put the last of the cream cheese on kt

9:07 finish washing hands ten seconds no ritual.

9:09 walk past wendy getting things from her fridge. go into room take off slippers. i get on my bed and turn on my heater

9:19 finish retrainocd. so cold.

9:21 start meeting. urge

9:32 we finish. want to cry. she says im doing really well. im really happy too. im gonna get through this !!! i want to talk to megan about the sims one day

9:35 finished logging new exposures and setting up chart for today. gonna do clothes next

9:39 finish. 7 6 3

9:43 catch up on obey me. six urges. gonna do clothes again

9:47 finish. 3 6 3. five urges

9:50 went on insta and texted ace. they sent me a tiktok. three urges

9:51 i put on my slippers and go to the bathroom and change slippers again. i do the sink

9:55 finish 5 6 6. constant urge lets say 30 i dont fucking know just repettitve

urge urge

9:56 urge. urge

9:57 check instagram. urge

9:58 urge. this is so fucking interesting compared to the sims. time to do bathroom floor

10:03 finish. 6 5 but 3 once timer ends. urge to sanitize feet 3 times. sanitize hands 1. feet urge

10:04 i put on my living room slippers and wnter the kitchen. the trash smells so bad i want to throw up. urge

10:07 go on instagram text ace and kon. urge to feet and hands. urge hands. fridge time

10:10 finish. 6 6 4. urge feet urge hands twice

10:11 enter room take off slippers turn off heater. feels AMAZING

10:12 grab my sanitizer. sanitize hands then feet then hands twice. being in my room is helping me reset. gonna do clothes at 10:15

10:14 update exposures. 13 left

10:15 get off bed to go do clothes

10:19 5 6 2. 3 urges

10:20 urge. not gonna do it

10:22 post to mentos. urge

10:23 gonna do fridge

10:26 finish. 6 5 2 three urges. urge rn

10:27 go to room to get water glass. take off slippers sanitize grab it put on slippers go outside ur

10:28 get water

10:29 gonna do sink. change slippers go in bathroom

10:33 finish. 3 4 5. urge at the end. gonna do clothes again then floor then fridge then sink. try and do things in between bathroom exposures

10:34 urge. anxiety going up gonna leave bathroom. change slippers leave bathroom

10:35 urge. drink water in kitchen. get more drink more. i drain my glass and get more

10:36 finish more water. urge. i go to room take off slippers. sanitize. urge to. sanitize feet but dont do it

10:37 clothes. using same three objects til i calm down

10:41 finish. 3 4 2. four urges. sanitize and put vaseline on lips

10:42 get on bed update exposures. nine left

10:43 i fart. time do to bathroom floor

10:48 finish. 4 and 2. 7 urges to sanitize feet.

10:50 post to mentos. fart. i go put my bathroom slippers on.

10:51 gonna do sink

10:54 finish. 3 3 1. sam comes and has to shower so i get out of bathroom. change slippers. he is doing pretty much nothing today. 3 urges

10:55 get water and drain it urge. urge to santize feet too. go to room take off slippers and do two sanitize one feet

10:56 get on bed. charge phone urge

10:57 go on insta but exit immediately. go check texts kon messaged. about eren. i want him so bad

10:58 text back. wendy leaves her room comes to kitchen goes back to her room

10:59 urge. update exposures. 7 left

11:00 join meeting and wait for megan. urge

11:01 text with kon about eren while i wait

11:03 check instagram. my water made me cold and i shiver

11:06 email megan cuz shes not there. she emails back

11:07 i realize i forgot to click “ join meeting “. i click and she lets me in. i can’t hear her

11:08 i exit and join back. we laugh about it. she’s really proud of me working with such high numbers. it is hard but it really feels good. im such a masochist LMAO

11:19 we end. gonna take a break before lunch. urge. wendy walks over with jamie. jamie had forgotten to officially change her major after changing it two years ago. we’re all laughing

11:21 i add up my bans 92 urges jesus

9 submits. i am my sim. i am galaxy brain


11:39 been texting augustina and on insta barely. also texted ace. i need to pee

11:43 i was on insta but i stop to text cam

11:44 put on slippers walk through kitchen change slippers enter bathroom use toilet paper to open seat. i pee

11:45 i wipe flush wash hands twenty seconds no ritual. i change slippers and go outside

11:46 wendy announces that i have two packages. one from blick one from macy’s. i’m so excited to paint !!!

11:47 i go in my room take off slippers open macy’s package.

11:48 i take off my clothes and change into my skin colored underwear. no spanx yet. i put it on it fits perfectly. it looks so good. i think i own white leggings i want to find them so the bottom is more opaque. if not ill buy them

11:50 i put on slippers go show wendy. she rlly likes it

11:51 i go back to my room take off slippers and try and take selfies. my belly is a little big and i hate it. gonna lose weight for graduation now. need to lose weight for pictures too

11:53 i take off the jumpsuit

11:54 i put back on my pjs qnd throw my other underwear into the dirty clothes pile. i don’t put on my shirt and just do my sweatshirt

11:55 sanitize

12:00 i finish typing and join group

12:03 i crack my nexk a bunch

12:52 hang up. everyone is so nice i love them sm !!

12:55 put on slippers cross kitchen change slippers enter bathroom. touch sink 15 seconds

12:59 finish 3 4 3. no urge

1:02 one more time !!!

1:05 finish 4 5 4 urge twice urge again. urge. urge.

1:06 change slippers walk and sit at kitchen table.

1:08 do fridge

1:11 worst experience. 6 7 6. i want to cry. gonna sanitize. i go to my room and sanitize

1:12 i open my blick box. im so excited. the panels n smaller than i thought but i don’t give a shit. i can do it to scale then

1:15 bthroom

1:19 finish. 5 then 2. gonna wait here n do bathroom one more time

1:22 start

1:26 finish. 3 then 1. gonna go n do fridge then clothes last as a lil treat. 2 urges. put on living room slippers go outside. sam is heatig up something in microwave. he was gonna get postmates but it would take too long to arrive

1:27 two urges

1:28 jamie arrives. wendy invited her. wendy walks out and talks about her google doc full of dresses

1:29 start. i relax n listen to everyone talk while habituating. wendy is talking abt dresses

1:32 finish. 10 urges 3 5 3. relaxing hearing everyoen talk

1:33 2 urges one more. urge urge urge. i get up n look at wendys dresses

1:35 i enter room take off slippers. the rug feels safe it cleans my face. i sanitize

1:37 i start

1:40 finish three urge sanirize. 3 4 11

1:52 end call with megan three urges

1:54 type in exposures. 3 urges.

1:58 fill out checkout. two urges. recount bans sneeze two urges

2:00 join group. urge twice

2:08 exit. will do check out here later. tired. gonna clean

2:10 get off bed

2:36 sorry i got distracted. printing out screenshots from the sims so i can paint

4:38 was cleaning and painting. sanitized five times washed hands twice

4:49 urge

4:50 urge  ok gonna start tracking day again. got frazzled. i organized all my boxes and cleaned out the space under my desk. i organized my pantry as well and i threw our my room garbage. i had to use my trash gloves but also like. im gonna keep using trash gloves probably those bins are NOT clean. i also cleaned the top of my desk. i got a lot done im so tired. will update megan

5:16 ive been insulting this guy jt for twenty minutes to help jamie feel better. now i hate him

5:17 i pick my nose

5:18 jamie shows me kyle. he’s so cute !! im happy for her i hope he treats her well and dtr soon or else im throwing hands

5:19 i go to the bathroom change slippers sit down and pee

5:21 i flush and wash my hands ten seconds no ritual

5:22 i tell them about treatment. im so tired already. not looking forward to the next few weeks

5:23 sit down on grey couch. start up obey me

5:26 catch up on obey me. i smell the trash and i want to throw up so bad. its awful

5:28 i actually want to die the trash smells so bad. i dont have the wnergy to take it out. gonna move away from it

5:29 i move farther away on the grey couch. feel safer. might light a candle. i ask if i can and jamie says sure

5:30 i go to my room take off slippers grab candle grab lighter. i put on my slippers and take the candle back to the living room

5:31 i light it and sit back down. i go on instagram

5:32 exit instagram. still smell the trash. if i take it out im gonna flood myself but if i ask someone that’s symptom accomodation

5:33 back on instagram. i announce that i love hatsune miku to no response

5:34 not looking forward to starting sims. so tired. too tired to get urges. maybe ill nap

5:35 i lay down. feel better

5:37 jamie’s been reading my diaries online. we talk about her time in the bathtub before our secret zoom meeting.

5:41 ive been on instagram. i ask jamie if i should bleach my eyebrows for scott

5:42 i text taylor about it. she responds immediately and asks me to send pics. she’s been sending me such mixed signals that i’m backing out of the whole thing tbh. i cant deal with that rn

5:46 texting taylor more. idk man.

5:47 i go on instagram. jamie is trying to write an email but there’s too many hyperlinks and she keeps clicking the links on accident. she gives up and deletes part of it.

5:48 jamie thanks me for demolishing JT for twenty minutes. im so glad it helped

5:49 i love my candle. trash smell gone from my area now. i might beable to work on sims

6:10 ive been talking to jamie about my thesis. i showed her the sims house she hadn’t seen it before. she came over to look and she listened for a while. very grateful.  she went to pee right now.

6:11 i update the wickedwhims mod yet again

6:12 i start playing. jamie asks me how long it takes me to record each sim day. i have no clue

6:20 playing the sims. the garbage smells so bad i wanna die

6:21 i text back taylor. i think i accidentally flirted. i text ace and kon about my failure.

6:23 ace says im good. i want to make pasta but too tired to use stove not enough food for delivery i rlly fucked that up

6:24 i text my mom about my jumpsuit in hopes that she will pay me back like she promised.

6:25 i tell her that i need to find my white leggings for it because the bottom is see through. she tells me to buy new leggings but i say no

6:26 i send her a photo of the jumpsuit i took earlier. she says its beautiful. we start a quest together to figure out if i need to wear white underneath or no

6:27 mama says try black leggings. i go to my room take off slippers put on black leggings and try on the jumpsuit. while im walking wendy starts facetiming eloise about JT. apparently he spent the night over with eloise’s roommate. wendy is asking about his dick. i chime in as i am now the most invested one in the room regarding him. i say if i just made fun of him for twenty minutes i deserve to know what his dick looks like. eloise doesn’t know

6:30 i go into my room and take off my slippers. i grab my jumpsuit from the drawer and my black leggings from my closet. i put them on and then try and put my spanx over but it doesn’t work so i just do my leggings. i sanitize

6:32 it still shows. i try and take a few selfies in the mirror

6:35 i send a pic to mama

6:37 i take off the leggings and put on my spanx just to see. then i put the leggings on over it. my tummy is now flat but so is my ass lmao

6:39 i remember i have white boxers and i grab them from my dresser. i put them on over my spanx and put on the jumpsuit. it totally hides the seam. i send a pic to my mom and im happy. i say im gonna come home to find my white leggings

6:40 i take off my jumpsuit and hang it in my closet. i put away my spank and the white underwear and i change into pajama shorts because the pants feel like theyre dirty now that they’re on the floor. i put on my sweatshirt again and put on my slippers and head out

6:41 i come outside. its very quiet. jamie looks sad and i ask what happened on the facetime. i dont think anything did. i think she’s just stressed from work n thinking abt stuff

6:42 i sit down but then remember i wanted to get my charger in the first place so i get up and go to my room. take off my slippers grab charger. my stuffed bear cloudy is on the ground and i pick him up and put him on my bed. i put on my slippers and leave my room to sit down

6:43 i type it all out. ace is texting me and kon about when they fell down rollerskatinf. im impressed they rollerskated in the first place

6:45~ sam is making his poster and comes outside for a second. he complains about the template his professor is having him use being in powerpoint. i tell him about the guidelines on the application and he looks them up. he is glad there’s less writing but has no idea how he’s going to fit his project into three sentences. i don’t know how i’m going to do that either.

6:58 urge to sanitize

6:59 i catch up on my day. jamie is gettin ready to leave. she was concerned she wasnt gonna get work done when she gets back but she decides to go anyways. she’s nervous to go to eloise’s.

7:00 i remember i have to take my medication and i have to watch and write about the videos for surveillance class. i dont wanna do it tonight.

7:02 i blow out my candle. tired. tired. tired. will do videos and poster tomorrow. relax for today.

7:03 i start obey me. i get up and go to get water to take my effexor. two urges

7:04 i turn. someone put my medication off of its dish and onto the counter. i ask and no one knows who. it was on its dish yesterday

7:06 panic attack. urge. urge. urge.

7:07 going to room

7:08 take off slippers go into room sanitize three times so scared so scarws scoarwd acoar scared scared. oh my god. oh my god. what do i do. now im scared to touch my medication. do i not take it. i. what do i do. i dont wanna touch it im scared of touching it im scares i have to take it but i cant i cant touch the container its all ruined its all ruined its gone its ruined its gone its gone i cant cant i cant take it i cant i cant i cant. crying im crying. taylor texted i have ti text back.

7:09 im being very quiet so sam and wendy wont hear im quiet cryinf my face hurts from crying but im not making any noise im seated on the ground my hands are burning. they are burning hot. urge urge urge urge urge urge urge. hot hot. hurts. it hurts my hands hurt. im gonna text ace

7:10 texted ace and kon asking for help

7:15 a fly lands on me and i freak out

7:17 i get ahold of myself and calm myseld down. i sanitize twice. im gonna wear gloves to do my medication or i might stop taking it. im gonna stop taking the effexor i dont give a fuck if i get side effects i can touch it right now.

7:18 check instagram

7:22 feeling better. augustina sends me a meme about maid outfits.

7:24 typed out the minutes after my breakdown. breathing normally. took off my glasses so i couldnt see my dirty laundry. sanitize

7:25 i text the housemate group chat. now im kind of angry. i have to calm myself down

7:26 im looking at texts and remember that sherin texted me yesterday. i text back and start crying again

7:27 i contemplate self harm. not even an urge to sanitize after that my brain is going to a new extreme

7:28 sherin tells me she’s proud of me.  i start crying hard. i feel so small

7:29 everything is so tiring. i feel myself crying from the day. exposures are so hard. im exhausted. im running out of steam in terms of being able to do tasks after program. i think its cuz i cleaned too much today and forgot to set a timer. im so hungry. i have no money from postmates. either i dont eat or i transfer money from my savings

7:31 i cry thinking about spending more money. i ordered an air freshener today in the time i wasn’t updating. i got canvases to paint too and a gel retarder for my acrylics so they take longer to dry.

7:35 i text ace more. im tired. so tired. i have 7 dollars in my account because i bought items before i couldnt cook. i ran out of bread this morning too. im so dumb. i need to transfer money but i already did that this month i think i can’t remember. i think if i cancel the amazon order itll just give me amazon credit not my money back

7:37 texting ace. crying hard. i havent eaten since 8:30am i need to eat but i cant i cant even leave my room rn. i have to do work. still crying. my laptop is outside

7:40 i text my mom asking for her to pay me back for the jumpsuit. i explain i cant cook right now and have been ordering postmates. ive never had to ask her for more money before. i feel terrible

7:42 i go to my bed and grab my tissue box. i blow my nose. im crying again

7:44 i text my mom telling her not to worry. i feel sick. i cant believe i asked her. i csnt do that. i cant ask her

7:45 self harm thoughts again. i want to drag a knife through my skin. more crying

7:47 put on slip

7:53 three urges

7:54 go to grey couch crying more

7:55 ace sends me tiktok of shuichi x kokichi. theyre so cute

7:56 i text ace and augustina that im an involuntary volcel. i have options but my ocd nerfs me and i back out.

7:58 texting augustina makes me smile. she calls me an incel.

8:00 augustina says its not the time for relationships anyways and we talk about visiting each other when the pandemic is over.

8:06 urge. nuggets.

8:19 instagram

8:20 go on instagram. ace says im pochacco for the sanrio post. i think theyre right

8:22 text ace abt my very public diaries. ppl r rlly gonna read them. theyre on my website. damn.

8:23 insta

8:24 bacon posts on his story that he got his driver’s license. i congratulate him

8:30 i ate more chicken nuggets. tired might not update as fast.

8:33 texting ace abr augustina and eating nuggets

8:36 instagram but leave. i need to do obey me

8:49 catch up on obey me

8:50 text augustina about the vampire otome game where all the old famous men from history became ikemen

8:51 switch to sims

8:55 wendy goes to eloise’s. sam walks out of his room to go to the bathroom. his poster is almost done. i say im doing mine tomorrow. he says his has less text than before but still a lot of text.

8:56 sam goes into the bathroom. i remembered that i want to tell him abt the presentation times and we have only three minutes

8:58 sam exits and we chat about it. i google stuff about the symposium

9:03 i go back to the sims. sam goes to his fridge. he talks about how many green beans he is eating. he got the big pack at costco.

9:14 my wrists and hands hurt. i grab a pillow and set it on my lap so it hurts less to type

9:15 sam goes back into his room

9:16 sims time again

9:17 i text ace and kon about netflix partying soon. we text about eren jaegar

9:18 i play the sims and text kon and ace toxic boyfriend eren headcanons as i play. ace hates us.

9:46 ace sends the link on discord. i exit the sims and save

9:50 i join the party. so excited to keep watching riverdale. happy to relax a bit.

10:00 power surge and i lose wifi

10:01 ace ans kom text asking what happened cuz i left the teleparty. i text abt the power surge

10:03 i manage to make it back onto the teleparty. sam goes to eloise’s

10:29 ace pauses riverdale to explain tabs to me. i fart

10:56 we keep pausing every ten minutes to figure out whats going on. ace is also extremely high lmao. i wish i could be high

11:30 we pause and i take meds. i talk with sam. at first i dont want tk do the symposium but now i decide to do it again. im just tired. i have to text back augustiab

11:31 i get up go get water go to room take meds. i go to the bathroom change slippers

11:32 i go #1 and 2. i text back augustina and take the personality test she sent me

11:36 ace texts. my laptop went to sleep and it kicked me out of the netflix party

11:37 i get up flush wash hands. change slippers leave

11:38 go back to grey couch turn on laptop and netflix party rejoins. we start again.

11:40 sam comes back from going to eloise’s. he was helping them makw a puzzle. i say we have a puzzle here and he gets excited

11:56 i get ul and go to the table. i get my water from my room and get mkre water