Rudy Falagán THURSDAY - MARCH 25
12:18 i get up and go to my room dont take off slippers try and find my nail file but i cant. i go back to mt laptop
12:25 sam leave and announces hes like nicki minaj cuz he just shitted on them. his stomach hurts
12:30 check messages. augustina heart reacted to my images. gay
12:45~ go brush my teeth and put on testosterone. i wash my hands put on my retainer and wash again
12:54 do my eyebrows. sanitize. take off slippers. someone names ian riley is here idk who he is. staying in milners room
1:05 go outside get wayer bring it to room. take off slippers
1:23 goodnight gonna play obey me and set alarms
7:50 goos morning !! i had nightmares of a person with long dark limbs and a white make that had black eyes. it perched on my walls like a spider and was about to attack me when i turned around. my back isn’t safe
7:59 i realize i took off all my clothes last night and i put my pajamas on again. im freezing
8:00 i get out of bed. i fix the corner of my covers and get up put on slippers go to the bathroom. i change slippers wash my hands and take off my retainer and put it away in the cabinet.
8:01 then i brush my teeth.
8:03 i rinse my mouth and wash my face. i put my toothpaste back in the cabinet. i go use toilet paper to open the toilet lid and i sit down
8:04 i pee
8:05 i get up wipe and flush. i wash my hands. i put on my face oil and exit the bathroom change slippers go to room take off slippers.
8:06 i make my bed. urge
8:08 i get back on top of my bed and pull a blanket over my legs. i type this down
8:09 urgw
8:11 urge
8:17 i finish. time to track bans
8:27 finish check in
i did exposures last night. i got them all done
ideas are to work on current exposures, take more breaks, figure out what to eat for breakfast
depression 0 last night 3
avoidance 2 last night 7
rumination 2 last night 7
self harm 0 last night 3
homicidal 0 last night 0
eat dinner yes
brush teeth yes
shower no last time last mon
breakfast no
slept 6ish hours
bans: sanitize submit 12 resist 23
suicidal ideation 1 last night four
anxiety 2 last night 7
8:31 join group. i get an email from snapchat that my account was accessed. i send myself a code to login to change my password and join group
8:41 we finish. i go bqck qnd the code expired so i send a new one
8:42 i change my password
8:43 i go back to my mail and look at my daily assignment list. gonna figure out what i can do for breakfast and do retrain ocd
8:49 finish slice retrain time
8:58 finish retrainocd. my bread ready. i open fridge to use mimis cream cheese bit its black and moldy. i throw it away urge. i grab my butter urge
9:05 finish urge. gonna do fridge
9:09 finish 4 4 3 and three urges. urge
9:11 i wipe off the counter and table. gonna text housemates
9:12 i go to room tqkw off slippers angrily text housemates about crumbs all over the counter
9:13 time to do bathroom exposures but sam just went into bathroom. gonna do clothes
9:18 finish 3 4 3. three urges. gonna sanitize. text housematws more. mimi also hates it
9:20 urge. i join megan’s call. i start cryinf about the kitchen. megan tells me it doesn’t seem like ocd about the cleanliness of the kitchen, but rather my anxiety about it is higher because of ocd. i cry it out. she tells me im doing ok and to give myself compassion.
9:45 we end. urge. i cry harder lmao. i get up and go to my desk. urge.
9:46 i set a timer for 7 minutes and start doing my makeup
9:53 it rings. i set it for four more minutes and i start doing my eyeshadow
9:57 it rings and i get ready for my call with dr wang. i wait
10:00 i join the meeting but she wont answer
10:06 i email dr wang
10:11 i email megan. i start doing my makeup again
10:14 megan emails that she’s gonna check whats up
10:16 she let me jnow that dr wang had to leave for the day
10:20 i see the email and message back thank u. i wish someone would have told me so i didn’t waste twenty minutes waiting
10:30 i finish my makeup. i go to take selfies
10:
11:14 clothes. 3 2 1
11:24 clothes again 1 2 3
11:25 i go join lunch group only to remember that it’s at 11:30 not 11. i leave
11:26 i put on slippers walk to bathroom then do floor exposure
11:30 finish bathroom. 3 2. feel gross but irs ok
11:36 finish sink. 1 2 3. urge urge
11:38 gonna do fridge. urge
11:42 finish. 4 5 4 . 16 urges. urge again. go to room get water glass get water. urge
11:43 go room take off slippers sanitize. grab an ensure. not gonna drain myself from kitchen rn. urge to sanirize feet
11:44 i get on my bed and join lunch group
12:56 leave group. go to fill out exposure logs. we talked about distress protocols. i shared about thinking of a third person helping talk through me breathing without revealing i think of fuckingn r*igen *rataka.
1:00 finish. ive only done like 5 today gonna keep going
1:01 i get up go put on slippers leavw room. sam is outside making food. he asks me where my pants are and i show im wearing shorts. i remind him that pants are an illusion and so is death.
1:02 i decide which exposure to do first.
1:03 i go do bathroom floor
1:07 i finish. 3 then 1
1:09 gonna do sink next. i type this out
1:13 finish. 3 3 1. urge go to room take off slippers. two urges. one more
1:14 update logs. two urges
1:15 join meeting with megan
1:21 end. just check in. gonna put using my laptop for schoolwork as hw for today so i dont burn out
1:22 gonna do clothes
1:25 finish. 4 5 1. urge 3 times one more. gonna pee. put on slippers go outside
1:26 go to bathroom change slippers use toilet paper for lid sit down pee
1:28 get up wipe wipe toilet seat with paper flush bare handed. wash hands ten seconds. sink
1:31 finish. 4 3 1. just gonna go straight into fridge i think
1:32 change slippers go outside. urge.
1:33 smell trash in kitchen. want to die
1:34 fridge
1:37 finish 3 5 3. four urges
1:40 floor
1:44 finish. 5 3
1:47 do sink. urge
1:50 finish 3 4 1. urge
1:51 go to room take off slippers. two urges. i sanitize
1:57 two urges finish check out sheet
2:00 join check out group. so many more urges. i write them down
2:09 we end. urge. somehow attracted to this guy in my group even though he isnt my type. maybe its his voice its very soothing. he seems depressed. i cant fix him but i can join him.
check out:
i did exposures and retrain ocd for today. didnt get it all done
depression 4
avoidance 3
rumination 4
self harm 0
homicide 0
schoolwork for hw and finish exposures
bans: sanitize
resist 68 submit 3
suicide ideation 4
anxiety 4
2:10 i start texting augustina. we talk about cancel culture
2:13 im on instagram and i see peter liked my post. i didnt mesn to click on his acct i was curious to see if it was a mentos follower but it was him and he was hot again. it looks like he broke up with his girlfriend. impulsively with no intentioning i follow him back again.
2:14 i text augustina abt it because i dont know. we talk about him and how i know him
2:19 i check his story and swe that hes listening to bladee. this is a new low in mt life. i send a screenshot to augustina and send a pjoto of him. he has the fuckboy kpop mullet im gonna kms
2:21 augustina texts abt this pro gamer she thinks isnt cute but is smart enough that its hot a lil. i agree with her on the latter
2:30 augustina tells me i dont need a partner and then asks me to watch rwby with her i say yes. we talk abt rwby and how we miss hanging out
2:34 i check insta and see tjat taylor commented on my post. i forgot i promised her s photo of my makeup and she jokes that she wishes i dm’d her
2:37 while still texting augustina i send a pic of my makeup to taylor. she talks about me doing her makeup and her doing mine. unsure if gay or not but im not pushing anything and frankly would be more comfy if we were platonic. back to being a volcel but a simp for a few select people
2:43 augustina and i stop texting for a bit. i go on instagrm and text sam about my behavior. hes working on his poster.
2:45 wendy comes into my room. i also tell hwr about my messy behavior. i explain to her the plot of riverdale and why it’s camp
3:00~ she leaves. i go back on instagram
3:34 clothes 3 1 0
3:36 get up put on slippers go to fridge
3:37 fridge
3:40 finish. 4 5 2
3:42 went outside through hallway back door to get packages. changed from slippers to shoes. bad bad experience. not fun. 6 urges hand sanitize once i got back put on my slippers and put packages in my room
3:43 three urges. bathroom floor now
3:47 finish 2 then 5. stressed. gonna do sink next.
3:48 i put on my bathroom slippers. calmer
3:50 do sink
3:54 finish 2 2 0
3:57 bathroom floor
4:01 3 3
4:02 put on living room slippers walk outside
4:04 i grab the tea mug it has mold on it i go pour hot hot water on it and get the mold off. i keep pouring water and dish soap. i leave it to soak in hot water and dish soap. seven urges. i also clean another glads
4:08 i decide to clean the fridge shelves that are filthy that i am touching. i do that. i want to throw up.
4:14 i finish i throw away the paper towels i wash only five seconds i put my face on my hands ten seconds. three urges. i sit down
4:17 i finish habituating 4 5 3.
4:18 i go to room sanitize take off slippers. my head hurts from my contacts
4:19 i sit on the ground. i check instagram. sam sent me a video
4:26 i do my clotjes again
4:30 1 2 0. i realize im getting brain zaps from withdrawls again lmao but im toonscared to take my effexor im gonna die on this hill fnsnkfkdkfkkgkg
4:44 unpack boxes urge
4:45 chanhe slippers take out contacts urge. head hurts
4:46 toilet paper open lid sir down pee. pur jacket on shower hook. head hurt
4:47 finish wipe flush wash hands ten seconds. go outside urge
4:48 put on glasses. head hurt make pasta ???????
4:49 grab pasta pot water put down urge. tirn on stove. pain head but scared to take effexor. do i just ride tjis out
4:50 type out day
4:58 pasta in pot. too tired for urges. dissociating
5:13 join prof
6:45 sam home from trader joes. i come oht for his unboxing
6:57 everyones steps shqkes the ground and every sound hurts. my head is throbbing
7:36 jamie here. head awful typin hurts hurts my head. sorry sorry another bad day
7:56 lay in room. hurt
8:19 pick up room sanitize. plugged in air freshener a bit ago smells good and i want the room to be clean to match
9:20~ i make it so peter and lily can see my stories again. my head hurts so bad and i want attention
9:22 three urges. take off makwup. came outside to help jamie with her essay. moving my eyes hurts but if i close ghem everything starts spinning and i feel like im gonna throw up
9:23 new urge
9:24 text augustina
11:07 stop texting her for the night. she told me all about smash bros n it made me rlly happy. i love hearing people talk abt things they love !!!!!!
11:12 mom sends me tiktok about what to do when i get the vaccine. i havent told her about me alrdy getting my first shot