1:27 update exposure logs. head pain. finished presentation for scholarship have to check tomorrow colors ok. head hurts. took pills brush teeth put on testosterone in bed. organize room is nice and comfy. air freshener so nice. feel clean but also now worried abt actual dirt ruining the clean air. sanitize once. no urges jusy pain. gonna sleep

1:29 coughing. nauseous. i hate effexor. why dr davis put me on this want to jusy sleep all day but exposures tomorrow. heas hirt so bad alarms gnrie gnite

2:13 head hirt cant sleep

3:30 eep sleep

7:50 wake augustina texted me. head hurt less

7:51 fart

7:56 obey me but hasn’t reset yet

8:10 other alatm wake up. hesdache

8:11 instagram. get up make bed. go put on slippers leave. wendy in kitchen i say good mornig

8:13 bathroom change slippers. pee

8:14 wash hands. brush teeth

8:17 wash face. change slippers

8:20 back in room take off slippers. make bed better

8:23 two urges. one more

8:29finish tallying bans and chrckout form

8:30 group

8:45 finish

hw was finishing exposures snd doing schoolwork

i got half my work done just headache

goals for todsy is more clothes touching, sweep my floor, try snd finish exposures during treatment

depression 1 lsst night 2

avoidance 1 last night 3

rumination 1 last night 1

self harm 0 last night 1

homicide 0 last night 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time the 15th

breakfast no

slept 4.5 hours. bad. dreamed but can’t remember it.

tracked sanitize ban submit 3 resist 25

suicidal ideation 0 last night 1

anxiety 0 last night 3

8:49 out of bed do clothes

8:54 finish 3 3 1. pick nose

8:57 put on slippers go outsidr. wendy using blender. i do fridge

9:00 finish. 3 4 0

9:01 wendy more blender. head hurt noise hurt

9:03 floor

9:07 finish 2 0

9:08 check instagram

9:10 sink

9:13 finish 4 3 4

9:14 in room slippers off. unplug air freshener cuz hurts head. gonna use it sparingly. sanitize

9:16 play obey me clothes time

9:20 finish 3 3 2. sanitize

9:31 finish meeting woth megan. update exposure logs

9:35 finish. head killing me. clothes

9:39 finish 2 2 0. urge obey me tiem

9:41 exit room put onf slippers to prepare for fridge. wendy moved back to ger room so im alone. urge

9:42 start

9:45 finish 4 4 2. three urges. one more

9:48 play obey me. floor

9:52 finish 2 0. augustina texted me

9:54 augustina and i text about georgenotfound. his accent is what carries him. kon sent ace nd i a video ans i say its eren jaegar

9:55 sink

9:58 finish 4 4 2. three urges and one more

10:01 play obey me. floor again

10:06 finish 1 0. augustina and ace texted

10:07 i text back

10:09 sink

10:12 finish 3 2 1. urge

10:13 text augustina abd kon back

10:14 i check instagram

10:15 i play obey me. urge. bathroom floor

10:19 finish. 1 0. i put back on my slippers

10:20 i text kon back. i fart

10:21 i check my mail. i see the assessment email. ill do it after my meeting with megan. i scratch my belly

10:23 sink

10:26 finish 2 1 0. two urges but barely. i change slippers and exit the bathroom. two urges now that i’m out of it. good to know

10:27 urge

10:28 another urge

10:29 fridge

10:32 4 4 0. huge drop this time. felt good

10:33 take of slippers go to room. urge. i think ill sanitize. i sanitize and get my water glass put on slippers

10:34 i go to kitchen qnd ger water. i go back to my room take off slippers grab a nutri grain bar from my closet and eat it as i put on my slippers and head outside again.

10:36 i finish it and drink water

10:37 i throw away the wrapper and my old bananas. i only ate three before they got too ripe for me. next time wont buy at costco

10:38 fridge again

10:41 3 3 1. urge ( these r urges while doing it not after )

10:42 urge but barely

10:44 check instagram. urge

10:45 urge. i go to room take off slippers about to sanitize but i dont. another urge. actively fighting is hard. clothes time

10:49 finish. 4 3 1. urge during and after. totally manageable

10:51 text ace and kon and check instagram. urge. put on slippers and go outside

10:52 i learn how to use the heater. wendy and milner are talking abt theater and lack of diversity

10:53 wendy grabs food from the freezer and it falls to the ground. she goes back into her room. milner goes to shower

10:54 i do fridge

10:57 finish. wendy’s ta canceled class but she still has one more. i had one urge while habituation. 2 2 0. its so fuckinf cold i cant even think abt germs im freezing

10:58 take off slippers enter room. freezing. put on socks. oh yes

10:59 i turn on my space heater and start filling out exposure logs

11:01 i pause filling out logs and join megan

11:09 we finish. chat about how im doing. might change bathroom floor exposure now that im getting a lot of 0s. also started planning out weekend homework ideas

11:11 gonna do last round of clothes n then the last round of bathroom !

11:15 finish clothes. 3 2 1 urge. i sat in front of my space heater to habituate lmao

11:18 put on slippers and exit room to go to  bathroom. i dont take off socks but do floor. i can feel the ground anyways and it seems to make no difference

11:22 finish floor. 2 0 no urges

11:26 texting ace and kon. sink time. urge

11:29 finish. 4 3 3. four urges one more.

11:30 sanitize ans chicken nugget time

11:31 put on slippers go outside grab tray from toaster over. run bqck to room to sanitize and bring it out with me. grab nuggets from freezer and grab foil from drawer.

11:32 put foil on tray and sanitize. organize nuggets and put in for eleven minutes. sanitize

11:33 i decide to do starter cuz i havent in a few days and its dying. i take it out and pour the dead top layer into the sink. i use a paper towel and wipe the sides of the jar to get rid of more dead stuff. i wash my hands ten seconds

11:35 i keep doing it until i smell no more dead stuff. i wash hands ten seconds then go get flour and add 1/2 cup flour 1/2 cup water. i stir with a chopstick and wash the chopstick

11:38 i wash hands ten seconds

11:39 put plastic wrap over starter wash hands ritual but just a count of ten for each step

11:40 finish sourdough and put flour away

11:41 a plaster chromatica oreo falls and breaks off the fridge. i ignore it for rn cant deal it with it lmao

11:45 nuggets done. i join lunch group. we r all chatting. i mainly listen. they talk about trader joes and i enjoy the conversation while i eat nuggets

11:52 wendy comes and says hi to everyone.

11:54 i finish and move my laptop back to ym room. i turn off my space heater

12:00 we are told to get to group. we join

1:01 group done. someone else is also dealing with contamination and she sounds so tired. i understand. we filled out weekend planning forms. i start the assessments

1:14 i remember to fill in my exposures

1:15 i join my meeting with megan

1:30 finish megan. we decide hw for the weekend and she tells me im doing really well. that means a lot. we decide to change the bathroom floor exposure to being barefoot in the entryway, and we’re adding touching technology items to my exposures which will bring me up to 25 exposures in one session !

1:35 finish assessments

1:41 catch up on obey me. go on instagram

1:45 do retrain ocd

1:56 finish retrain ocd. start to fill out check out form

2:00 join group. add up bans while we wait for people

2:11 end group

i did exposures and assessments today

my numbers went down a Lot so i feel good !! so tired

depression 3

avoidance 2

rumination 1

self harm thoughts 4

homicidal thoughts 0

hw is sweeping, going to the cat café with ace, and practice touching my ipad

sanitizing ban resist 38 submit 8

suicidal ideation 3

anxiety 4

2:14 i get out of bed. my joints hurt

2:18 on instagram. text wendy about my wendy hui moment cuz the depressed person in group said he was a he / they and i was like........ i can fix you

2:24 augustina posted her finished painting. its brilliant.

2:25 wendy asks for deranged star wars memes. i send her like 30

2:40 send videos and photos of bo to my mom and brother. text my mom that im coming over today.

2:43 i go put on slippers and get more water outside. i eat a chocolate. sam is in his room studying

2:44 i sanitize and look under the cabinet for a plastic bag for my toiletries. it takes me a bit but i find one and i go to the bathroom don’t change slippers and put my toiletries inside

2:45 come back to room take off slippers and put down bag. i remember i have to pay a bill so i find the statement

2:46 i call

2:51 we finish. i type it diwn

2:55 finish typing. i also have to wash dishes and get my testosterone today. i dont wanna avoid it so much that they return it again !!!!

3:02 i fold up my throws. i want to find a bin for them to place under my bed. i also email dr wang about the fluvoxamine and i forward dr. davis’ superbills to my dad

3:23 im packing up and i realize i dont have my apple pencil. i start looking for it and i touch everything. go out in the living room, in my drawers, in my TECHNOLOGY drawer, on the ground. sanitize seven times

3:16 i find it. i had texted wendy if she had seen but i was looking through all my bags and i remembered it was in my tan one. i also found my nail file. i attach it to my ipad and i sanitize twice. i go outside put on slippers. milner is outside and i say hello. i go in bathroom change slippers wash my hands ten seconds then use toilet paper to lift lid sit down

3:18 i go #1 and 2

3:20 i get up wipe flush wash hands ten seconds. i change slippers go outside and wash my dishes. sam comes out to throw something away. he is singing romans revenge by nicki minaj. earlier he had posted to his finsta the question of if you ever felt the urge to listen to a song after youve masturbated. i said no on the poll and in his story he said he had the urge to listen to romans revenge recently. so i ask him if that’s why. we talk about the topic for a bit

3:24 i finish washing my dishes and i wash my hands twenty seconds no ritual but really hot water.

3:25 i go back to my room take off slippers sanitize get on bed. i lay and type it down

3:30 i have to email tom

3:32 i email tom. exhausted. no testosterone pickup. gonna leave for home soon. i need to cuddle with bo

3:57 i was on insta and i got a text from the trojan league lf krange county asking for a headshot. i remember i have to do the scholarship today still

3:58 i go outside put on slippers go to bathroom dont fhange slippers put on contacts. sam also needs a headshot but is gonna wait until his computer is done backing up. i have to work on my script anyways so its chill

4:00 i go back to my desk and start doing my makeup. i end up taking a while

4:45~ i finish. i guess it really did take a while. i put on my jumpsuit over my sweatpants. i look for an’s necklace and i can’t find it and i freak. i look everywhere

4:55~ i find it. it takes a while it was in my tan bag i looked pretty much everywhere else until that. touxhed a lot of dirty clothes. sanitized twice. wendy is cleaning the toilet. she stops and goes to her room and i ask for her phone to test out the camera and she says one sec. she tore her nail while cleaning and its bleeding. sam and i offer her a bandaid and she goes to clean her finger. i take her phone and go outside, sam is watching his computer back up on his hard drive because if it falls asleep all his progress is lost

5:05~ i go outside take off slippers put on shoes and start taking photos. i first take a photo on wendy’s phone but next i take videos on my phone for my instagram story. my eyeliner is impeccable today

5:18 wendy comes out. she has me move to the blue wall to take photos and she snaps a bunch. then she take a bunch of sam too, who threw on a polo and joined us outside. sam and wendy say i look really good and i show them my sweatpants underneath and they laught

5:25~ wendy airdrops me the photos. i go back inside put on slippers and go to my room. i take off my jumpsuit and hang it up and put on an my tan and denim overshirt and pants instead. i move to my desk and move over technology sanitize set up laptop and move my makeup light to test lighting

5:30~ i start typing out my script and timing myself. my video has to be two minutes max

6:14 i start recording myself. i mess up a few times but im at just under two minutes. i keep trying

6:31 i finish and i got over my pdf too. i also upload the files

7:02 my video uploads and i grab my stuff and race out the door. dont take ant slippers except living room

7:04 i leave. sanitize once

7:49 arrive at home. takes a minute to get my keys but i open the door and walk in. leave slippers in car

7:59 i go inside. it’s quiet and my mom’s light is upstairs.

( i say hi to my dad and bo. i work on symposium )

been working on symposium will write doen my steps in a second

( i break to make pizza with family )

8:56 submit symposium. finish pizza go to libing room

9:18 here on ground. bo on my lap. peaceful. watching bad trip. mama loves eric andre

9:43 i get up on the couch i was on the ground with bo. ace and kon are ready to watch riverdale. i need to go upstairs

10:02 ace sends link on discord. i say give me a few minutes and i go move my laptop and stuff upstairs

10:03 i hear my mom. in the two hours we watched that movie on a friday night she got 45 emails from her boss on things she has to do this weekend. shes so overworked. they paid the last of my tuition so i hope that soon she can quit or find a better job because they’re working her to death right now and its terrifying. i need to get better and find a job so that way i can help take care of finances and she can quit her job. i need to take care of my mom

10:10 i went pee and put on a sweatshirt and sat down. i join the teleparty we r waiting for kon

10:13 i tell ace im gonna take my pills and i go downstairs to get water. i see my dad wiping down the counter. he tells me not to worry and that my mom just has a lot of work right now. i say im not worried but i know he knows im lying. im just trying to stay calm or else i’ll panic

10:14 i go back upstairs. i pass bo he is sitting by the dining room table just hanging out with my dad while he cleans. i go to my room find my pills and take them. my methylfolate risperdal and lamictal

10:15 i text ace that i’m back. ace goes to take their meds now while we wait for kon

10:18 i hear bo come upstairs. he jumps onto my bed and i move my blankets so he gets comfy

10:19 we start riverdale. bo starts licking his paws eagerly

10:29 ace pauses for a sec and says brb. theyre back within the minute. i fart

10:33 ace rewinds cuz they were talking to missy

10:36 i remember i dont have my nail brushes i forgot them. bo stops licking his paws and looks at me

10:37 he starts licking again

10:43 thirstinf over jughead

11:15 ace pauses again.

11:53 i go get water