1:15 ace pauses to get ready for bed before we watch last episode of riverdale season 1. i cant wait for this show to get more insane. i text sam abt it and go on instagram

1:22 kon leaves netflix party i text. im so tired i mifht fall asleep during this roisode

1:34 ace mkes a new teleparty cuz kon kept getting error messages and we statt the lasy episode

2:08 finish szn 1

2:20 gnite

9:09 sake let bo out if toon. out of room. i go downstairs with him in case he needs to be walked but he just goes to the family room and i go back upstairs and fall asleep again.

11:17 dream star warss but jared leto was in it. i had another dream before this but i cant remember it well but this one i do. we had to cross these giant concrete bridges that looked likenfreeway overpasses my mom me this woman this alien jared leto n some other people. we were all going through it it was like a maze and finally we get to our destination. then its my mom and i leading the group and this rich girl through a city that looks part like mid city los angeles and part built by legos. we cross a bridge made of grey legos and find ourselves on a street. we walk down it and pass strip malls and the street is filthy. my mom and i explain that this is one of the best restaurants in town and we discovered it recently, but we have to get there early. i realize that its very early in the morning and the sky is grey and faintly pink.

we bump past a few people until we see a giant overpass above us. we make a right and see a crowd of people. they’re all here and there. the’s the pupusería in the middle right, a much larger vietnamese massage parlor with giant flashing neon signs to the left, and a fancy hot tub store to the far right with a kind of diagonal front. theres a white lady with her hair in a bun and a grey pencil skirt ushering people in and out, and there’s two potted plants that rise up tall one on each side of the open double doors. from what i see in the inside there’s hot tubs and a beautiful tiled floor. it looks like living spaces a bit. a man in a suit walks out he’s kind of short and wide but i dont see he face. he looks at the crowd of people in disgust.

we walk through the weirdly organized crowds of people to what looks like a small line. the pupusería has red lit up words that says the name of the food that flickers a bit. somehow these are different than normal pupusas and its not “pupusa” up there. we also used a different word while talking but i can’t remember. we ask the people that are sitting at a dark green picnic table the one that has the surface that’s kind of all woven together so there’s holes in between the plastic crisscrossing. its a latino guy with a black sweatshirt and cap and a latina with brown black wavy hair. they say they’re in line and point behind them. we realize the crowds of people we walked though were actually a giant line that snaked in and out of the parking lot that wasn’t a parking lot it was just a really bit sidewalk and there was the street. we walk to the back. the rich girl is complaining and i tell her it’s worth it. i have a flashback to coming earlier with my mom at sunset and it being way less busy. there we talked to the workers and they were really kind. it was a stand inside that looked like the meat and masa building in el torro in santa ana.

while waiting in line we see two people exit the pupusería and holding the food in their hands. it’s a cross between a pupusa and the red pork arepas my family makes when we have too much filling left over from tamales. the red is staining the dough. it looks delicious. some other stuff happens in line but the details are blurry.

we don’t ever go into the store and i dont think we even went that far in line but we get our pupusas. i get bean and cheese and we start walking back down the street. it’s delicious. when we finish eating our trash disappears.

we start to cross the grey lego bridge again that reminds me of the double decker bridges in berkeley. we cross up on the top but we hear noises and look down. there’s this woman in a grey pantsuit and with shoulder length slight wavy hair. she looks like a younger allison janney. jared leto is with her in his joker makeup. they yell out that we got separated and we all try and crisscross to find each other on the bridge before giving up. the bottom part is a dead end so allison and jared have to go back to the beginning and climv up in order to meet us. jared give this giant laugh with his eyes open and his mouth stretches oddly wide and his entire face wrinkles deeply from the effort. it’s terrifying.

we walk to the other side and we are in this circular room with what looks like a very fancy scientific version of a souvenier stand. reminds me of what a disney gift shop has. there’s star wars aliens everywhere and they are collecting miniature vials with characters faces on it. i rush to find a seat as jared and allison join us and we throw a bunch of the vials and look around. there’s some that are blue drawings on a white label with character names below the oval portrait and its all these knockoff less important characters. i recognize some of them as hanging out with us in a previous, larger group. i recognize in another group with the same strategy as us one of the aliens from the mos eisely cantina. we are trying to find jedi i find guigon jin and am trying to find yoda. we all want yoda. the jedi have flat shaded color portraits so its easy to find.

the timer rings and we grab whatever vials we had and run to the other half of the room and jump off the ledge where it drops suddenly. we are swimming in water and there’s kelp. there’s vials floating in the water and we have to catch the ones that match what we’ve collected. it gets blurry after this and other stuff happens and i wake up.

there’s an entire section that i can’t remember but this was my dream. now i know that the only reason im not dreaming or remembering is because im getting up earlier for treatment. i forgot to write this yesterday i think but i found my fitbit charger and plugged it in to charge yesterday so i can start tracking my sleep again cuz its REALLY interesting to me how vivid my dreams have become.

11:20~ i roll to my side and realizes bo is by my side again. he wakes up a bit but then goes back to sleep.

11:24 i think i was checkinf messages but i get up. i hear mama and papa downstairs and i say loudly im awake and im gonna brush my teeth. i go to the bathroom find my toothbrush and toothpaste in my bag and brush.

11:26 i finish. i look and see that my eyeliner has rubbed off but i look really hot still.

11:27 sit down on toilet pee

11:29 i get up flush wipe seat wash my hqnss head downstairs. mama is looking for her small black wallet and is asking us where it is. she is looking through the secretary. i say no. she leaves to go upstairs to look and papa goes through the secretary too. he stops and i look. he had knocked over a doll i made in fourth grade and his hat fell to the ground so i picked it up wnd put it back on the shelf.

11:30 mama announces that she found it. she comes back downstairs and starts organizing her purse. she tells me she’s about to head out and asks me if i want breakfast. i say ill cook it myself since she’s about to leave. my dad says theres brioche so i decide to make french toast. mama talks about how she’s going to joshua tree for a hike she saw on tiktok.

11:31 i get the ingredients and start making the batter. mama says they ate them with chicken sausages do i want some and i say sure. i say two please and she shows me the size and i say ok four. she tells me to add buttermilk to the batter so i do. i keep making the french toast and my dad and i tell her to stop cooking and go already. she talks about the guy on tiktok that showed the taco place we went to last weekend and how he was talking about this churro place in north hollywood with mexico city style churros. she wonder how he has the money to eat out so much and i have no idea. my dad and i tell her to get going so that way she gets to joshua tree with enough time to hike. she says ok and we have a big big hug. it feels like she’s about to cry. she says thank you to me for coming to visit.

11:40 i finish making the french toast and sausages. i move everything to a plate and sit down and get a glass of milk. i made the rest of the loaf so like four slices of french toast.

11:42 start eating

11:57 finish eating. i ate it all. i text cam and bacon aboht being late cuz im seeing ace and then text wce that im awake n ate breakfast

12:00 i picked up the trash and threw it away. i paused on washing dishes because i got brain zaps while putting away ingredients

12:02 i lay down on the couch but bo is super excited wnd running around everywhere. i play with him and i fill up his bowl with water. i pet him for a few minutes. he burrows his head into my chest while i pet him. i love when he does that.

12:04 hes still excited and im not sure why so i go to the laundry room and grab the blue blanket and place it on the couch. bo jumps up but he just wants to attack the envelope on there. i move it to the mexican dresser and he jumps off the couch, now uninterested. i start typing my dream down more cuz i started earlier and then stopped to eat. i start obey me but pause and go to my texts. jamie asked me to send her usc ucla yuri and i say later. i check instagram briefly

12:10~ my dad asks what my plans are and i say ill wash mt dishes in a second. he says no worries and he goes out and says he’ll be back soon

12:20 i go upstairs and lay down again. i went upstairs because i heard bo barking snd i wanted to check on him but he calmed down once i was there with him. i go to my room and get under my covers snd he comes snd joins me and curls up by my leg

12:21 type out dream and day.

12:48 i hear papa fome back inside

12:50 bo races off my bes and downstairs snd gruffs at my dad

12:51 i catch up typing. i realize i left a lot out from yesterday night but who gives a shit. no one is reading this anyways tjeres no way. i go on instagram and look at tattoo artists. tjats gonna be me one day

1:04 i remember i have to go on obey me. i get the bonus and also start a lonely devil trip for paws. im gonna get all of the lucifer urs and this is where i start.

1:20 i catch up and go to messages. augustina swnt me a youtube vid.

1:21 i make my bed and go to the bathroom where i do my eyeliner. i get a spot on one side right as i begin so i just rub it off qnd do the other side next.

1:24 i finish and pack up my toiletries and put vaseline on my lips. i check to see if i have spare toothpaste here and i don’t

1:26 i go back to my room and make my bed. i look for my white leggings but i realize it wasnt leggings i had, but a white shirt. i have to buy new leggings

1:29 i text ace that i’m ready and to not rush. i start putting away my stuff in my bag and organize it. i put in my earrings and i remember i brought the choker i bought with ace and i try to put it on. it’s like a centimeter too short for my neck i wanna cry

1:31 i stretch it with my hands a bit because it’s cheap soft pleather. i google how to stretch it and people say hot water

1:32 i go to the bathroom and stretch it while running it under superhot water. it works a little

1:36 i put it on and it squishes me a lot less. im gonna just let it sit on my neck and stretch out that way.

1:37 i come outside and i sit by bo on the ground. i put my leg on him and he doesn’t care. i type stuff out qnd contemplate going to target but i need to wait til next month before overstepping my budget. my mom sent me money for the jumpsuit but since i took money out of mt savings for the jumpsuit im not spending that money !!!!

1:51 bo wiggles out from under my leg and goes to enjoy my bed all to himself. i stay there for a bit. i go on instagram

2:07 ace texts me that i can head out. i say epic and i go start gathering my stuff. i go downstairs and my dad is there i tell him im off and he wishes me well. he wants me to send him my resume so we can go over it snd then also my linkedin so he can work on that too. im so tired but i say yes ill do that and we can work on it when im not in treatment and not working on school or my thesis. i dont say the last part out loud i just say yes we can work on it.

2:21 i get out and get in my car

2:23 drive and text acw that im omw


while driving i get off the freeway on long beach boulevard. i have to turn left and its the worst fucking street to turn left. theres a nonstop stream of cars. a car comes behind me and starts honking at me to go but i literally cant go. they arent as far up as me so they cant see that literally theres no fucking space. i look in my mirror briefly and i see them clapping their hands at me to move. they honk at me even when there is traffic right in front of us as cars pass by and start to pile up at the intersection at the red light. finally there a break and i turn left. the red car speeds past me and i dont look at them. they go weave in an out of other cars on the road. i stay where i am. theres a puppy in the car in front of me and he looks so happy sitting in the middle of the front seat and going to the window. i pay attention to the puppy instead.

3:04 im in the area but trying to find parking still i text ace after trying the third spot thats slightly too small. i walk out and im in the red by like two feet like CMON.

3:07 i find parking finally and parallel park quite well woooooo. i text ace and get our of my car

3:08 i walk and see them walking missy. we walk missy together.

3:19 i go inside qith ace into their apartment and pet missy. we watch tiktoks together

3:51 i send one to cameron of a buff guy dancing in cat ears. i tell him to recreate it for his girlfriend. he says its an excellent idea

3:54 i notice the time and we race to get to the cat cafe. we walk to my car and ace lets me know directions to the place

4:06 we park and arrive and walk over. we didn’t have a reservation but she’s so nice and they have room so she lets us in and we just have to make a reservation for tomorrow and she will move it today so we can go in rn

4:08 i finish registering online. ace finished a bit before me and she lets us in.

4:28 ive been spending all of my time with this cat bella. she doesnt like moving so she’s perched up high and lets me pet there. sometimes she gets a bit manic and starts to play with

4:50 the lady announces that the hour session is over. i love bella so much she was my favorite cat

4:54 we leave we decided to get milkshakws cuz we planned to do thqt yesterday while watching riverdale

5:02 we arrive and park a bit aways at the free parking lot. we walk to johnny rockets on 3rd

5:06 we enter. its a bit confusing but we find the counter. ace orders for their mom and them and wants to pay for my food. i let them. they always pay for me i want to treat them one day !!!!!!!! i have to figure out when but i’m buying tattoo ink and am gonna tat them soon so im not letting ace pay for that, it’s a thank you gift for all the food over the years

5:08 we finish ordering and sit down to wait for our food to go so we can get back to their apartment. i say excuse me and i go to write down the past few hours my fingers are Flying

5:15 i reply to wendy’s text to me and jamie. she wants to record the next episode of our anime podcast i say fuck yes.

5:30~ we arrive back in the area bur there’s no parking. we circle for a while

5:44 i finally find parking. we get our of the car and organize our stuff and go to their apartment. their mom is still home and i say hi

5:45 i realize my phone is in the car. i go out to get it. i walk through a family talking at the gate and say excuse me.

5:46 i find my phone it fell to the side of the drivers seat. i walk back

5:47 i arrive back at the apartment with my phone. i say excuse me and walk again through the family talking at the gate. i go inside

5:50 we organize our food. i go wash my hands in ace’s bathroom.

5:53 we start eating. i eat slower than i normally do so i don’t wolf it all down.

6:03 i finish eating. ace is scrolling on lex. i go on instagram

6:07 kon texts askinf to play among us. we say yes but we r abt to start our nails

6:09 i start texting dr levy. shes askinf how im doing. i say ok and talk a bit about gow im tired

6:10 kon sends us a cringy tiktok. i send it to augustina

6:12 she texts me back and calls it cursed. she’s doing an entire group project by herself right now. i hope that she’s not getting overwhelmed

6:14 i stop texting dr levy. trying not to get emotional in front of ace. i tell dr levy thank u for checking in on me and it means a lot

6:15 i start filing my nails and trimming my cuticles. i take my time

6:58 i finish my cuticles snd ace starts theirs. i text kon

7:03 i finish my base coat. asked asked me to help with their cuticles but their nails are totally different than mine and i freak out about touching someone else. too close i dont want to stare at someone else’s skin. i say i can’t do it cuz i dont have enough practice whi h is true

7:04 the blinds move behind me because of the wind and i want to cry. the creature is on my back again. i keep seeing flies. touching aces hand flooded me so much idk why idk why. i feel the creature on my back

7:15~ ace is done and we start painting each other’s nails. its fun. ace isnt super good at it but its so relaxing i dont care. i want to get my nails done with cam soon cuz i never get mine professionally done n it might be fun.

7:50~ our nails r drying and ace is looking st the tiktoks that kon sent them. theres an attack on titan one with a pic where levi looks FINE and i ask ace to screenshot and send and they say no

7:56 i text the groupchat asking kon to send it to me and they text it. i screenshot the pic. hes so hot. im losing my shit and ace refuses to engage.

8:00 i finish texting about levi and ace still refused to respond when i show them the pic irl. i check my nails and they are dry so i start heading out. i say bye to ace and head to my car

8:03 i start driving. i have a hard time driving. lights r intense and i feel my brain twitching. my muscles r still and i focus on concentrating. i didnt do music cuz i had six percent battery so i turn on the radio and it helps a little but not really. i just put it to the kcrw music hour and dont touch it. my eyelids kept twitching

i have more thoughts about an art piece set to ag cook’s airhead. i cry a little. just overwhelmed

8:32 i do a terrible parallel parking job but i dont care i text cam that im there

8:35 i try wnd fail calling her a few times but i figure it out n call her on one percent battery. she comes to get me

8:37 we r in her apartment. i ask for water and she gets it for me. she feels bad because she didnt have it ready for me and i tell her to stop worrying about that !!!! but i wlso get it. she also makes me a very small margarita. i say yes to having it be very small. she was watching tiny meat gang before i came over and shes valid. i text ace that im back safe and they say yay


we talk about a lot of things. treatment and Catholicism and her having one class to take after this semester and feeling like a failure because of it. we talk about cleaning compulsions and also what it feels like living alone wnd how its scary for ocd. i show her my headshots and we talk abojt makeup. we talk wbout impractical jokers getting into the nft market. we talk about my meme account and what ive been posting. i tell her abt the trend of putting the lip bite mouth on anime characters qnd show her one of levi. i also show her the photo of levi from earlier and she agrees that he’s fine as hell


we talk about my makeup and gender identity and her relationship to femininity and my own specific experiences with makeup. we talk about bathtubs and needing a bathtub to relax in. we talk about how we need a speedrunning rosary competition amongst minority grandmas. we talk about how vivid my dreams are.


somehow the conversation turns to conner o malley i dont remember why. wait i do. its cuz cam and i were talking about impractical jokers and she brought up her obsession with gary vee. i say his image is used in a conner o malley video and she has no idea who that is. i say pull him up and it takes a few minutes for her to sign into youtube on her tv but it works eventually

9:38 showing cam conner o malley

10:48 we end. we watched so many videos.  we talk about how he’s friends with joe pera and she cant believe it. she’s only seen joe pera clips but i tell her to watch the whole show so she can see conner in it too. we talk about brandon wardell

10:54 i get ready to head out. i say bye to cam and head to ym car

10:56 leave cam’s place

10:59 arrive home safe n text cam im safe

11:02 i go inside put down my slippers and change from shoes into my slippers. i gather my stuff go inside my room and set it down in my room. i take off slippers and i sanitize and plug in the air freshener for a bit.

11:03 i put on slippers cross kitchen go to bathroom change slippers. i go #1 and 2 and type out the past few hours


11:13 im gonna rush hour the sims this weekend because i need my sim to die becausd i wsnt to make after effects videos SO BAD

11:14 got up flushed wash hands change slippers back in room

11:15 take off slippers close door and cry really hard. worried milner will hear i put on slipper go outside change into shoe go outside and cry by the side of the house

11:17 milner comes out they heard me i say i wsnt to be alone they go back inside. i move even farther sway ourside the house to cru