12:30 i blacked out. i painted my nails. idk when i started. they look. i got frustrated. im still new to the tiny brush. i want to get better my left hand is a little better with the tiny brush. i leaving two on my right hand plain cuz i fucked them up with the cotton pad. too tired i have to stop ive been here for a very long time. i am having bad effexor side effects   hard to move my eyes. paranoia bad. really really bad like really bad. scared to move or else someone will kill me there are ghosts in my room with knives they are watching me the one on my back is wsiting there are some under the bed i am not safe here. i am not safe. i dont know where im safe i want to go home i want to be a kid i just want to go home please. i cant be alone i cant do this every time im alone i want to kill myself im being chased and theyre gonna kill me and my only escape is to die because they cant get me if im dead but what if they follow me


crying again. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry i cant do this im gonna live i wont kill myself i promise i just dont know what to do the paranoia wont go away is it me being off effexor i dont know is this withdrawls i dont know i dont know whats going on i think im overstimulated from the day unsure just. so many brain zaps. luckily my muscles are in control


getting better.  mind calmed down but brain zaps still. ghosts aren’t gone. i see them out of the corner of my eye. i know theyre hallucinations but if im not careful i believe it. i have to be careful. i cant give in i need to be in control. im so scared of me breaking one day. it feels like theres tiny rudy trying to hold closed a door thats bursting open. my biggest fear is one day i cant separate truth from fiction. some days its really hard and i dont know what is real and what is paranoia or ocd or i dont know.


i dont know i just. sorry this isn’t going by minutes i dont even lnow if im in my day logs right now or another note i just. i want a hug but i dont want anyone to ever see me like this. i cant have someone see me like this. theyre going to slap me i remember my mom slapping me to shock me back into reality one time. she was really scared and never hit me ever again. i was just spinning out of control and didnt know what was going on and i dont know i think about that a lot. it scared me to have her hit me. i dont lnow. i dont want to get slapped again if someone sees me like this theyre gonna slap me.


i just need someone not a ghost someone that wont kill me but i cant trust. people. i want ace or cam or kon here. theyre the three people i trust theyve seen me through so much. i want my mom. i want a hug i want to have someone else in charge please. just for a bit. but i cant because its symptom accommodation. i have to do this alone. i cant ever bring someone else into this i cant do that to them. no one should ever have to go through dealing with me i can never put that burden onto someone else. i cant do that.


my biggest fear is i find someone i like and then my paranoia or ocd takes over and i think theyre posioning me or


i fcxxnfx.   jjj i cant. im so tired im so tired

i dont want to scare anyone. i have to be quiet. i cant scare anyone. i dont want to. i have to be quiet and smile and hide everything because when mental health gets scary its not quirky or fun anymore online or i ksut cant i cant laugh


i literallt feel a knife at my throat. theres a ghost holding a knife at my throat. trouble breathing gagging hang on


rubbed eyes eyeliner everywhere. scared to sit up. so many brain zaps. i hate medication. im feeling more sane but ohysically shaky rn. i have to take my other meds but oh fuck im really shaking. my eyelids are spasming sometimes. ok


these are withdrawls still i think. i just want this to be over. i had such a good day i had a really good day yesterday. what if i drive home again i need bo i need. i need something by my side. i dont know.


crying still gonna get up. breathing steady. knife at throat still a hand on my shoulder. ghost hand lmao. when i close my eyes i get brain zaps blinkin is ok tho


12:52 i post a meme to mentos illness. it helps calm me down. my legs are shaking idk if i can get up


1:05 been playing obey me. plug phone in to charge. now that i know im 100000% experiencing withdrawls i feel better. ive been thru it before ill be ok. shaky n hard to walk but i can get through this. why is coming down from 10mg effexor almost as bad as 37.5mg. and also why does it feel the same if not worse as the comedown from the time i did ecstasy. brain hurts so bad i wanted to play the sims but i just want to curl up and cry more. everything is zooming in and out visually like different objecrs come into focus i have tunnel vision kind of i cant tell but when i move my eyes i get brain zaps Anyways. definitely more coherent now that i was last time i went througj really bad withdrawls but also i havent tried talking to anyone yet. i did ok while with cam. unsure. gonna get into bed cuz paranoia is getting bad and having my back exposed is just gonna cause me to go crazy again and i need to stay sane i have to stay sane.


1:15 caught up on obey me texted sam. he sent me a song im playing but audio isnt reaching my ears. im dissociating i think. my phone is the only thing in focus. it hurts if i look elsewhere. u


1:17 turn off song it was by doja cat. audio was freaking me out. i need to get water with my pills im worried im gonna be overstimulated if i see someone else or hear someone talk. im gonna put down my phone and try and get water


1:25 put on slippers water come back slippers off take pills. i put on my fitbit snd get in bed i fart. so shaky. hard to put caps back on pill bottles just really physically week rn but i think im just drained from my panic psychosis lil event or whatever. not withdrawl just weak. this is all just a bad combination

1:27 brain zaps crazy snd my whole body has very minor shakes. i can feel my muscles zapping a bit just like a shake but nothing moves. like they pulse

1:29 try an open fitbit but app isnt loading. gonna give it a min then try again. i get it fitbit. take ur time its ok rn

2:08 finish typing out all the missed moments from yesterday. being out of treatment on the weekends is nice because i can take my time and record my emotions more. during treatment its so much that i just want to pass out afterwards. gonna try fit bit again then sleep

2:14 it syncs. i had to reset my password. they added mindfulness to fitbit. will try later. goodnight

11:43 i wake up a bit

11:48 i wake up. i hqd threendreams. give me w bit

11:49 i check my sleep on fitbit. i woke up five times. only one was pretty long and that was at 7am. i also barely got any deep sleep which might explain why im less relaxed

11:52 i go on instagram

12:00 i go on obey me and catch up

12:18 go on twitter

1:09 lmao i had fun i went on a rabbit hole sbt lil nas x’s music video.

1:10 i text back elisa tell her that 1:30 is fine for her to come over

1:11 ok my dreams. i text back spencer rlly fast about hanging out


the first dream it was again in an outdoor space full of concrete bridges and overpasses, but these were straight and shorter compared to the long sloping ones in yesterday’s dream. i was trying to get a haircut. the color blue was very present. there was a lot but i think my friend robin from primary school was there before she transitioned in college and was just standing there. i was racing around trying to find naras, an instagram account that i reslly like. she was running around and i kept racing on bridges trying to see where she went. she had on khaki and blue flowing clothes


the other two dreams are blending together in my head but they were doing that wjen i woke up snywsys so im just gonna describe what i remember clearly so im not making things up


i was making bread with rosemary and chives and other spices. i was in charge of this. there was a group of people and a movie and a boat on a dark river but i wasnt on it i dont think. i had small plastic containers and was piping the dough into them but they were too small so i switched to a bigger container. it looked delicious


i literally cant find coherent sentences for the dream before that like i have vague sensations but no real memory. so these dream logs r kind of subpar im sorry abt that !!! sometimes when i remember multiple dreams i have primary and recency effect happen for sure


1:19 i finish writing down my dreams i need to get up

1:20 i get up put on slippers and go to check my sourdough starter cuz sam said it smelled weird. it smells normal and i grab some bread flour and feed it. i pour off the top layer and mix it around and then put the plastic wrap on and wash my hands. three urges

1:22 i go to the bathroom change slippers. urge. sam didnt flush and i freak out i flush wash my hands no ritual six urges t sanitize

1:23 change slippers to to my room take ofd slippers sanitize freaking out. i start to pick up my room and put away my clean clothes from yesterday and throw my dirty clothes into the pile. i organize stuff on my dresser and put my makeup away

1:29 elisa arrives. i put on pants and a mask and come outside

1:35 fixinf printer stuff. she kept accidentally pressing cancel so i went over and fixed it

1:39 the test page ckmes out. looks good

1:44 elisas computer refuses to print so i have her email the oages to my laptop because i have no idea what to press on hers. i being my laptop from my room urge to sanitize

1:47 i print out the first page it looks good. i start watching a deepfake compilation

1:51 i print out three more of that page

2:04 still printing. i post a video of bella the cat on is tagram and show her to elisa. sam is tryjng to order postmates but his favorite diner is closed. i tell them about milner hearing my panic attack last night

2:06 sam goes to shower

2:14 we start another round of stickers. i check instagram while elisa does the setting on her laptop - we got it to work finally

2:28 was on insta. final stretch of sticker printing. we did a lot today !!

2:30 textinf ace and kon about eren jaegar

2:44 i went to the bathroom and peed. i also got sam some tylenol for his headache. he ordered his milkshake. i want postmates so bad. sam brings me a package. it’s my on kawara shirt !!! i love it sm. nat also sent me a postcard

2:50 i order uber eats and use my 30 dollar off coupon. i check wescom and i saw my mom sent me money for dinner a while ago. my total comes out to 11 dollars so i can put that money into my savings

2:52 we print out the final stickers. elisa printed out a giant one for me. very excited. idk where the hell im gonna put it

2:57 elisa finishes and leaves. i need to brush my teeth finally. i check my mail for some reason

2:58 i get up and go read my postcard. urge to sanitize. i take off my mask now that elisa isnt here

3:38 my northern cafe arrived and i ate it. i started patining my nails again. i dont remember well. sams postmates came but didnt have his milkshake. i look up how to make soup dumplings. maybe i will make chicken ones since idk where to get pork bones and i can get chicken at costco

3:39 i check mail ring sizing tomorrow

3:41 i want to kill myself

3:47 four urges to sanitize. sam brought m milkshake so good. gonna watch f1. i.


effexor withdrawls bad i feel so bad. again it took two days idk why

3:49 its on at NIGHT. two more urges as i turn off tv. one more. so much harder im so depressed i like. i havent been depressed like this in a while.


3:57 i check mail. i need the qr for my vaccine appt on tuesday so hopefully they send it tomorrow

3:58 i chrck instagram. gonna edit more of my headshots

4:24 my memory is so bad today. i was editing photos. i went on instagram a bit. i dont know. i keep zoning out nothing feels real. i feel like im going to die today

4:28 catch up on obey me. paranoia bad again today. there are beings standing behind the couch lmao. im getting brain zaps. im so tired. at least im a bit more aware of the ghosts not being real rn.


4:32 the ghosts are not real. theyre not. i have to remember that theyre not

4:43 been texting ace and kon and theyre calming me down. sam threw me a mustard packet and it bounced off my nails and flew a few feet. i sat in my shame for a bit then picked it up and sucked it dry. i used to eat mustard like this all the time. its so good



6:10 stuff happened but im just. so suicidal rn. not gonna do anything but litrlly thinking abr suicide and self hadm constantly. scared to go outside scared to exercise to feel better just. head hurt. gonna play sims


618 been crying on and off past few hours. crying again. i dont know whats real whats a dream whats paranoia anymore. my dreams are too vivid i just dont feel like i sleep anymore


i want to kill myseld


6:20 trying to make plans so i look forward to the upcoming days. text augustina about watching rwby. text sam and wendy and milner abt puzzle


6:22 i want to bake something but scared of kitchen. im so tired. i need to drink water


6:39 they added a dust option in the sims. i buy and download it so ill let the notes know for the sims diaries that the feature has been added. texting papa about the spam emails with his name. he says to block it and i do.


6:41 milner apologizes abt the pot ( didnt type but there was a pot in the sink and i got water and couldnt refill the water. i say its ok !!! i didnt mean it bad i truly just was apologizing for myself not being ablw to move the pot


6:52 playing sims. head hurts so bad. brain zaps constant


7:35 made shikamaru nara edits with lip bite

7:51 made attack on titan edits. i want to kill myself


9:03 im having visual hallucination of flashing lights on screen


9:24 ace posts discord link to netflix party. im having vocal zaps now i make loud gasps like hiccups. huge wave of zaps. feels terrible.

9:29 i join the nextflix party. head hurt

9:32 we start wtqching riverdale. i feel so awful physically. whole body zapping


10:58 crying so much today so scared. terrified im so scared. i want to collapase in someones arms. i want my mom. i talked withdr levy anout meeting shes busy in the afternoon i have to talk to megan anyways i just need. i need someone that knows me rn. im so scared. im so scared i cant do thos. i cant do it


i keep thinking shadows are ghosts. my brain hurts so bad. hurts my eyes to move. scared to go outside or to be by my roommayes i dont want to scare them. i have to have my bck against something.


im so fuckinf scared im so scared. my room isnt safe nowhere is safe im not safe what do i do im so scared


11:23 end riverdale. crying again


11:34 #1 and 2 in bathroom. textinf sam about mimis painting. itll get better im sure. i took some magnesium so maybe that will help me calm down. i want weed or alcohol so badly. just anything. anything to help me not think


11:50 in bed. brush teeth wash face. come back organize some more. now that my room is clean im freaked out about organiziation. everything has its place visually