12:37 i want to stop playing sims but i cant save while the repo person is there so im gonna play until i can save. i take off my pants and rub my thighs. so many brain zaps


1:14 i go takw out the glade air freshener cuz im worried the smell is worsening my headache. im begging the repo person to finish up soon

1:16 i have texts from sam ace and augustina. she thinks she found corpse husband’s face. i respond to her

1:17 i fart. augustina is still awake. it’s 4am for her

1:18 i pick at my back

1:32 i can finally save. i close the sims and put my laptop to the corner of my bed. i take off mt shirt i am so sweaty. i scratch at my back

1:33 i plug in tm phone gonna catch up on ovey me then sleep

1:38 catch up set alarms gnite


7:59 wake up

first dream really hilly place. me snd some other people watch this girl with red braided hair. she has a bunch of dark blue duffel bags like almost black. stuff is spilling out of them and i race over to zip them up even though she says she doesnt need help. ghen all of a sudden i have a dark brown black soccer ball and its rolling down the hill. i get to the bottom and its slightly more wooded in the environment and papa and tio larry are there playing soccer. i go through them and steal their ball while walking and i still only have one ball they combined. i walk down a cobblestone road through the trees to a town and they follow me


the next part i remember is theres a young couple. the red hair girls hair is now brown. theres a boy. music is there. they are just starting dating but are running away from home. the moms are disappointed. the girl waits for the boy and i watch. theres more that goes on but its vague in my head


i think they had sex i cant remember


the girl is naked. shes in a fancy dining area with gold and tablecloths. they eat around her while shes collapsed on the floor


then there’s swimming and scuba diving. people are swimming and going missing. the girl sets off to swim to find the boy. she’s gone for a month. they have her on a list and say theyre gonna close the gates. i say hold on please


some stuff happened i wake up


8:11 i fart open insta

8:13 open obey me

8:16 catch up. eyes r so fucking dry

8:27 i finish writing down my dream i check fitbit. i slept five hours 22 minutes. my sleep score is 67. i woke up five times but only remember one. i got more deep sleep than yesterday but less light sleep

8:29 puts on shirt opens laptop starts check in form

8:31 goes to check in group fills out while im there

8:45 leaves chrck out

hw i was gonna do sweeping, ipad, and go to cafe and drive without gloves

side effects so bad no sleep no recording ipad exposures but i did try

today just want to get through all my exposures and ask if i can meet dr levy

depression 3 last night 5

avoidance 2 last night 6

rumination 4 last night 7 self harm thoughts 2 last night 5

homicidal thougjts 0 last night 1

eat dinner yes

brush teeth no

shower no last time the 15th

breakfast no

slept 5hr and badly

bans track sanitizing

suicidal ideation 2 last night 5

anxiety 4 last night 7


8:52 track down the bans i wrote

resist 15 submit 2 for sanitizing. there were a lot more just tirwd cant find them.

8:53 i get out of bed

8:54 i put on new underwear. i took them off last nifht i go outside put on slippers

8:55 i enter bathroom i pass wendy shes making coffee. i change slippers sit down pee


8:59 sink 5 urges so far

9:02 finish 5 5.5 5. i give in and wipe down the sink with toilet paper i flush it i leave bathroom change slippers. 12 urges total

9:03 i go to my room take off slippers. i say hi to mimi shes painting in the luving room. wendy went inside to class

9:04 i put on my face oil. its so fuckinf dry today

9:05 technology

9:09 finish. 4 5 3. so many urges lets say 20. i dont fucking know im jist trying to ignore them and theres one every second tbh

9:10 sanitize. put aquaphor on lips

9:11 start making bed pur sweatpants in dirty laundry sanitizw

9:13 3 urges. make bed and fold blankets. gonna do clothes

9:17 finish. 4 3 0. 5 urges. head hurt so bad

9:18 put on slippers to walk to kitchen but go to fix bed instead. i sanitize

9:19 i get water. i bring it back take a siland decide to get candle. i go back outside and grab candle and lighter from living room

9:20 i come back light it i get on my bed. four urges

9:42 end. i want to kill ymself so bad. so bad. i wont do it i promise. so scared. megan said try temperature im gonna try it. have to calm down to go outside


10:00 lights flickering. no thsnk you. im gonna believe its tata telling me something cuz thats what i believed when i was little. not a bad ghost. pullinf a shion rn


10:18 bleachinf my eyebrows. paranoia bad. sorry not updating well everythinf is scary

10:20 grabbinf painting supplies. gonna paint


1:01 end group. i started seeing the ghosts. theyre not real theyre not real. theres 3-5 of them. if i look at them they have black eyes and a mouth and their heads start shaking. theyre very blurry. they look like gaster from undertale. irs the ones from high wchool. i dont want to hallucinate. im so scred. i did my makeup i dont want it to run but ive been crying all day. i need to cover my paint

1:03 i spray my paint with water. dr wang had me take .25 mg of risperdal. please kick in im so scared. the ghosts are right there. texting dr levy we r gonna meet


vanilla neopolitan h


7:36 eating in n out n watching drive to survive with mimi. risperdal kicked in. still going through it but a little better. gonna start recording again.


i met with dr levy and it was good. i did my makeup again. i painted more. im gonna get oils because the acrylics r Not doing it for me. im getting a free tattoo from an apprentice soon that i saw on an instagram ad. i just want a new tattoo i dont give a fuck. its one of the few things that wakes me up


7:39 i finish my burger and drink my milkshake

7:47 i catch up on obey me. i go on instagram

7:49 i alternate sipping between my smirnoff ice and my milkshake. i gave up and decided to drink alcohol

8:17 i catch up on emails. i request a LAA sash. i check my details for the scymposium. looks like they accepted my project. anxiety. i start to fill out the appointment details for quest but i need to get my insurance info. tired

8:24 mimi gets up to pee. i should get my insurance info

8:48 we end the episode to switch to the race. i get my insurance info from my room dont take off slippers and i go back and sit in the red chair in the living room and fill it out for quest and book my appointment for wednesday at 4

8:53 start up the race

8:56 i order the yearbook and let my mom know

9:34 playing sims. bad brain zaps again. so tired of this

9:37 i check instagram. check texts

9:53 very bad brain zaps

10:11 i get up to get my lqptop charger. wendy and sam arw in the kitchen. i didn’t know they were there. they are talking about the vaccine. i try and talk but its really hard cuz brain zaps and evergthing is faltering. it really does get worse at night

10:12 i went to my room dont take off slippers grab laptop charger bring it out. i move my laptop to the grey couch

10:14 verstappen close with hamilton i know who wins but this fight is so good to watcg

10:28 race ends. that was WILD. so excited for the season. head hurts so bad. augustina texted me and i reply back its abt obey me

10:35 i check insta and i post abt my talk tomorrow. i send the link to slack

10:37 mimi and i agree to watch one more ep of drive to survive i get up dont take kff slippers get pgine charee in room phone charger

10:38 i come out also bring water glass mimi is filling up brita jn sink looks like she finished it up with her glass

10:39 i plug i. phone lay down. side effects so bad less scary just have to wait it out. physical is easier than mental side effects

10:45 i sit uo and it hurt. type down tnight. i think abt the brita and its poisoned. i need to work on tbinking that the water isnr poisoned because i need to drink water and take my pills. i need to put my testosterone on too

10:51 i get up get water go to room take pills come back finishw ater sit on grey couch again. i am not poisoned. side effects hurt can barely sit up

11:01 resting head against back of cabinets on grey couch. i think wendy is back there she closes the cabinets. hurts my head so much

11:13 cabinets again. constant head pulsing and brain zaps. feels terrible

11:16 get up get more water. its milner they are cooking pasta and watching supernatural through their headphones. im hungry again. it might be because effexor was lowering my appetite that now i want to overeat

11:27 we finish. i turn off tv. we talk abt grosjean’s crash

11:28 hurts. i get up pass milner loading dishwasher. i go into bathroom and pee. i poop. i check instagram

11:36 i get up flush brush teeth wash face

11:38 i put on my testosterone wash hands

11:39 i go outside get more water go to room sanitize

11:40 i go ohtsjde see green beans on the ground. wendy comes out of her room and we discuss them. milner joins and says its their beans. we talk about how many beans that fridge holds and about my artist talk

11:44 go to living room get technology bring to room sanitize

11:45 go get more water i bring old glass from milkshake to sink and put it to soak chz milner ran dishwasher

back in room sanitize close door take off slippers

11:46 i change clothes im running out of shirts to wear. i need to shower and do laundry so bad

11:48 i finish water go to bed plug in phone i check obey me

11:49 hallucinations again but faint. no faces just ghost outlines. bad brain zaps. im in control and thats what matters

11:50 i press my back against the bed. feels safe