4:37am i wake up fall back asleep

6:49am. i wake up again

6:51 i take off my retainer. i realize at some point last night i got naked. i dont think i dreamt, which is the first time i havent in several days.

6:52 i bite and pick ar my split lip

6:55 i check instagram and obey me. my battles havent reset yet so i’ll wait til 7am and then try and sleep again. i was sleeping so well while in huntington beach but now my sleep is completely disrupted.

7:00 i play obey me

7:05 i finish catching up. i will try and sleep again

7:08 no wait i totally did have a vivid dream. im so fucking stupid. i dont remember it well though. panteha was staying at the cecil hotel and i came to check on them and made them a burger and we became friends, and a bunch of stuff happened and then my family was at another hotel and when we went out my brother got lost and i was wearing my stanford sweatshirt.

7:57 ive zoned out but i cant sleep. it smells like sweat i cant tell if its me or my comforter.

8:00 i check instagram. i post three memes to mentos illness. we are almost at 1200 followers

8:04 i finish

9:42 i wake up i had another dream. i was in big bear with everyone and milner was moving big things. we got in an argument and i exit through a gate and then i posted something mad at mentos and it got 296 likes and people started guessing which admins it was about. i get mad because we don’t refer to admins as numbers and i make a comment about that and people like it. i go to the bathroom in the hotel that my family is staying at but my brother is in one stall and maya mindlin is in the other. i go into the bedroom and mrs. mindlin is there. we list out how many people we saw and i freak out because of covid and we saw too many people. then i was doing an obstacle course and driving through a forest but watching myself do it in aerial view. then i crash the car and start running i am being chased. i run and i pass sam sitting at a table eating either a sandwich or a salad i can’t remember. i ask him about something and he laughs i cant remember. i put on a third layer of disposable gloves and keep running. then new scene and its grace and frankie and theyre talking to graces hot boyfriend from the second to last season and he reveals that he’s a widow. then im there and we talk about ocd somehow. then i see another image of my hands in three layers of clear plastic gloves one is opaque then i woke up. damn.

9:47 i check my texts i have one from ace and one from my brother. i respond to my brother.

9:48 i check instagram. i remember i woke up because i was hungry. in my dream i was frying fish in tempura while talking to sam i just remembered. im excited to also use these logs as dream journals now. suck my dick jon rafman.

9:50 i check my mail. andy has responded to my thesis committee email. im so hyped about these logs rn im wide awake. i was getting tired of them yesterday but ive never looked at my day like this before or recorded my dreams and thoughts. ive tried keeping a diary but it’s never worked. this is the first time ive been able to do something like this. its thrilling that i’ll share it in the future but for now its just a place for me to write things down and to map out my days. its so fun

9:54 i check instagram. i also had an image of me doing my makeup and sharing about my mental health on instagram and turning off comments so it doesnt become a pity party. i think im going to do that today. instagram turned off showing numbers of likes for my main so i feel happy that i can share and not worry about validation. ill just look hot

9:07 i check instagram again and post to mentos

10:00 i check my texts. Julián has sent me more trans impractical jokers memes. i go to post them to mentos

10:03 i sent Julián a meme i made

10:04 dr levy asks to call me about my screening and i say im free

10:06 i text Julián. unrelated but its me that smells like sweat not my blankets. i am sweaty.

10:12 ive been jumping back and forth between instagram texts and safari. i found an impractical jokers confession blog and im stalking it. dr levy texts me and says she is about to call me.

10:15 she calls. we talk about my eating issues. and my drug use. i am honest about doing cocaine and i promise to be sober for the treatment program. i tell her that i can stop the cocaine for good and i really want to try and make that true. i only rarely do it but she’s concerned about my medications interfering and also it being addictive.

10:22 we hang up

10:48 i went through the entire impractical jokers confession blog. it was amazing. i organized a bunch and posted to mentos.

10:54 i stop checking instagram

10:57 i sit in bed and listen to the rain. i sanitize my hands and get up to put on clothes and use the bathroom

10:58 i put on my slippers and sanitize my hands and put on some clothes. i sanitize my hands again and change my slippers and go to the restroom

10:59 i chat with mimi on my way to the bathroom. i change slippers

11:00 i go #1 and #2.

11:03 i order a clear ipad case, keyboard covers for my laptop, and deoderant on amazon. my thinking is that if the plastic case makes my phone feel safe, a case on my ipad will make it easier to use and cover for my keys will make it easier to type

11:04 i go on instagram a bit more

11:05 i get up and wash my hands no ritual. i brush my teeth

11:07 i finish and notice the sink is dirty. there’s no paper towels so i open a new pack and wipe down the sink and throw it away. i wash my hands again

11:08 i consider rebleaching my eyebrows but i can’t find my brush. i instead finish unpacking my toiletries so the bag is no longer on the ground.

11:09 i put on my deoderant and my testosterone

11:10 i wash my face

11:11 i use the hem of my shirt to open the door and i change my slippers. wendy is cooking and i say hello. i put the plastic bag back under the sink and put the wrap from the paper towels in the recycling

11:12 i go to my room, change slippers, and put on my face oil and then sanitize my hands.i remember i have to take my pills. i sanitize my hands again, grab my living area glove and my water glass and change slippers again and go outside

11:13 i refill my water glass using my glove. i talk with wendy. she is making an omelette

11:14 i go back to my room change slippers, put down my glove and glass, and sanitize my hands. i take my effexor and my methylfolate.

11:15 i sanitize my hands and use the hem of my shirt to open my drawer. i put on my sweatpants.

11:16 i sanitize my hands one more time and grab a bottle of ensure. i go to my bed take off my slippers and get comfy. i am quite cold but i forgot to put on my space heater

11:17 i sanitize my hands and retrace my steps and type it all down

11:23 i finish typing. i sanitize my hands, plug my phone in to charge, sanitize again

11:24 i wrap a blanket around my shoulders

11:25 i drink some ensure and then sanitize my hands. my stomach is happy to have nutrition

11:26 i check instagram and send sam the impractical confessions blog. i text cameron after that

11:28 i check my email. i make an impractical jokers meme and post to mentos.

11:30 i sanitize my hands. i drink more ensure. this project is really interesting to me. im a very private person usually so i don’t think people ever really understand what i go through / what my day is like mental health wise.

11:31 nothing happens. i just wanted to write the time down

11:32 i sanitize my hands

11:34 i text cameron about class coming up and about the website

11:36 the rain is making the lighting muddled so im gonna wait to take pics of me tomorrow when i do my makeup for my writing class. i want to look hot when i come out as severely mentally ill

11:37 i sanitize my hands

11:41 i zoned out for a bit. i grab cloudy and my blanket and hold them close

11:45 i check instagram for a bit, check my mail, check insta again

11:46 i sanitize my hands and put on my sweatshirt. i sanitize again and grab my black glove from the side of my bed and grab my laptop with my bare hand. i sanitize again and move it a bit as i pull my covers up around me. i sanitize again

11:48 i put on my black glove and try and use my ungloved hand to log into my laptop using touch id but it doesnt work. i sanitize my hand and then use my gloved hand to type in my password

11:49 i make a new google doc and go to copy paste my notes into it but my notes aren’t fully updated yet. i take off my black glove

11:51 i try to airdrop it and it worked

11:52 i read through the whole note. it’s 7 pages font 9 single space. its really fascinating

12:02 i text sam it and we talk a bit

12:05 i realize we have class and i cant find the link in my notes i text cameron and he sends me the link. it doesnt work but i find it in my email and join class

12:06 i take off my one glove and sanitize my hands. i sanitize again

12:07 i sanitize again and pick up my phone to catch up this note. thomas is walking us through the church using images

12:09 i go on instagram and message ace.

12:11 tom shows us that there are two video screens on either side of the altar. it would be INSANE if i could have both oh my god.

12:12 i sanitize again. i sanitize again and ask a question and then sanitize again

12:13 i sanitize again. i want the altar space so bad

12:14 i sanitize again. i text cameron abt the screens

12:15 i sanitize again

12:16 i sanitize again. still texting cameron

12:17 i sanitize again

12:18 sanitize again. i join breakout room and sanitize again

12:21 i sanitize

12:23 cameron and i discuss the website and different ideas. we decide on having individual themes for everyone’s pages

12:30 i talk about my thesis

12:35 thomas checks in. i tell him i would do anything for those altar screens. he laughs and leaves

12:35 cameron talks about his thesis he has gotten nothing done. the conversation devolves to talking about anime. i dont keep track of how much i sanitize but it was at least once every minute still from what i remember. i finish my ensure bottle as we talk

1:15 thomas checks in on us. we talk about the timeline for the website with him. i sanitize

1:17 i sanitize and tell thomas about my treatment program. we agree to talk later

1:20 we end the meeting i sanitize again

1:21 i check instagram

1:23 i take a pause and recount the meeting to type it down. i have a lot of energy. i might start video editing but i need to find my other pair of gloves

1:25 i go on instagram

1:27 i read about tone indicators on the new york times website

1:33 i check my messages cuz i thought i got a text but there is nothing new

1:34 i go on instagram

1:37 i scratch my neck

1:38 k put on my one black glove because i cant sanitize with only one glove on because i dont want my hands to touch. gonna video edit

1:39 i sanitize my left hand

1:45 i take off my black glove to type better. i correct spelling and capitalization in my script.

1:46 i start to organize the subtitles

1:50 i start to add sound

1:55 i fiddle around to create a background noise for my sim to make it sound natural

2:00 i sanitize for the first time in a while. ive taken off my black glove. im having fun !!!

2:01 i sanitize again

2:05 i sanitize. this is so much fun choosing my sims audio

2:35 i pause editing to text sam on my laptop. he really likes my journal and when he’s done with his work he’s going to come see the video im editing

2:37 i sanitize

2:59 i sanitize my hands and scratch my ear.

3:00 i take a minute break. i sanitize my hands. if i wait too long my brain will freak out and i can’t keep editing

3:05 i sanitize and decide to just zone out for a few minutes. im already exhausted

3:07 dr levy texts me. i will meet with one of the program’s therapists either friday or monday. i hope we can schedule for monday because ren is tattooing me on friday. i go onto instagram

3:09 i sanitize again

3:11 i post to mentos illness. we lost a follower. i wonder what the last straw was

3:17 i post to my private story “im depressed.” i am. i think i dissociated to use my laptop and i can barely feel anything right now. i am numb

3:18 i check my mail. i have two emails to respond to. i consider getting postmates. im so hungry.

3:19 i think im going to try and heat up leftover paella instead

3:20 i get up put on my slippers and sanitize my hands. i grab my purple gloves and my water glass and change slippers and go outside

3:21 wendy is watching the bachelor. we chat about the women tell all tonight while i put on my gloves

3:22 i check and realize the tupperware my paella is in is microwave safe. i run to my room and sanitize my hands with the gloves on and then put a paper towel on top and below the tupperware. i put it in the microwave and decide to not use the tupperware lid and just put the paper towel on top.

3:23 i set the timer for five minutes and sanitize my hands. i take a plastic fork and put it on top of wendy’s tomato case. i go to my room and sanitize my hands, them take off my gloves and sanitize again and bring the sanitizer out with me.

3:28 my paella is done. i sanitize my hands, put on my gloves, and sanitize again and go to get it. i put my phone on top of the napkins so that way it doesn’t touch the table

3:30 i sanitize my hands again and grab the paella with the paper towels so that way it never touches the microwave. i put it down on a trivet and fold the top paper towel to be a spot for my fork. i sanitize my hands, grab the fork and put it on the table, and sanitize my hands again. i move fhe sanitizer closer to my meal and sit down

3:31 i take off mt glovws and sanitize again. i type everything down

3:33 i sanitize my hanss ans begin eating

3:35 its so good. i take the paper towel and move the food closer to me and sanitize my hands again

3:42 i takw a break from eatinf and sanitize my hands

3:43 i play obey me

3:44 i grab the tupperware to get the last of the rice

3:55 ive been watching ramy with wendy. we are urging the wife the cheat with the hot frenchman

3:59 i sanitize my hands

4:00 i move my laptop to the table using my gloves to show sam my video

4:01 i sanitize while talking to him

4:02 i sanitize twice

4:03 i sanitize once

4:07 i start working again. i sanitize. i sanitize again.

4:08 i sanitize again. and again after puttinf down my phone







4:56 i stel away from my laptop because i was panicking

4:57 i lay on the couch and talk with wendy about coffee

4:59 i talk to wendy about presenting this video to my writ 340 class and how they’re the first to see this body of work. i want someone to see me and say “i can fix him.”

5:01 i check instagram. we hit 1200 followers

5:02 i chat with wendy some more. she is gonna go to ralphs. i want to sanitize but i am so tired so sleepy

5:04 i see thomas has sent the imahes of the church. i show wendy the two screens. i list off things i would do to get those two screens: suck dick, drink piss, eat shit, stab myself with a small knife, and other minor injuries.

5:07 wendy leaves for ralphs. i wanna sanitize but cant get up too tired

5:10 i check instagram. dr levy texts me snd i respond.

5:13 i check instagram

5:15 dr levy texts ahain. wendy is finally leaving

5:16 dr levy sent a thimbs up. reanna and their gf are ourside to say hi to sam

5:17 i recognize the screencap milner sends of atla as the train episode

5:19 sam wendy and i visualize a usc website where people can seek out missed hookups

5:20 mimi comes outside from her nap and we chat

5:23 wendy leaves for ralphs for resl this time. sam goes to nap. mimi gets water snd is going to start working out

5:25 i go on instagram and see the after effects projects that i wasnt able to do

5:26 i post to mentos illness

5:30 i post to my prívate insta story. i dont say it but i wish i could talk about how much i want to kill myslef. i need to tell someone

5:34 i think today is tje day i die. i want to grab a knife and stab it in me but im keeping myself from doing that.i just want to be violent right now. i want to hurt myself. i want to kill myself. i want to stab myself and stab someone else. i dont want to hurt them i just want the feeling of a knife sliding into someones flesh

5:36 i feel like im about to kill myswlf and murder wveryone in this house. im freaking ojt

5:36 i scratch my head. im gonna try sanitizing and washing my hands.

5:37 i change my mind if i go to the kitchen im gonna grab a knife. im gonna go to my bed instead and get water on the way

5:38 i got up pjt on a purple glove my esrbuds had fallen to the floor. i want to theow them away. i put them on my laptop. i open the fridge with my gloge and my ungloved hand holds the water and my glove hand pours from the brita filter. it touches but im too tired to care. i take off the glove and sanitize mt hands i drink the water then take it with me to my room where i change mt slippers snd go to lay down in my bef

5:39 i plug phone in to charge too tired to sanitize. i feel safer. i will not hurt anyone or myself if i stay in my bed. i sm safe here

5:41 i check instagram even though i don’t want to be on it right now.

5:42 i play flow. the game has already stopped making me happy. i was happy this morning but now i feel empty. maybe ill cry maybe ill see if i cry

5:53 i zone out i have vision of my avatar face melting for after effects class in time to distorted sim music i want to make it happen i email jean. i want to make it. i lost emotion feel so flat. my energy is gone.

6:01 i. think im disociaying. this is why i dont wan t to touch tecunoloyi i sm poisoned. i feel like i did on zoloft i sm sinking cant breathe trapped in body. i sm underwater deep sitting ay bottom of pool

6:04 check intagram

6:05 obey me time

6:13 done.

6:30 woke up from nap a bit more energy in me but tired still might zone out more

6:34 im having visions of jason briggs artwork blooming bulging stubble prickly masses just congealing into one another. i imagine my face melting again. when i was on ecstasy i had visions of peoples heads being squashed by gravity and turning into red soup. it was exploding. earlier i felt like i was going to explode now i feel like soup.

6:38 check instagram

6:43 instagram again

6:44 text ace. i just tap back and forth on home screen jusy wanna tap no output too tired for output

6:47 i text ace and kon just to get my ideas out about my thesis

6:49 check insta. was gonna post abt thesid but gonna text my brother instead

6:51 check insta. i read back some of today’s entries. i feel like my life isn’t real.

6:53 i open instagram but immediately close it. i decide im gonna try and do this journal until graduation and or graduation of the php program. it needs a finality.

6:55 open instagram immediately close. i finally sit up. i think i will send a copy of this to my therapist

6:56 i text my brother about my thesis

6:59 i read through my log from yesterday. i think this is fascinating

7:22 ive been talking to Julián this whole time. i take a break to check insta then text him some more

7:24 the conversation gets sentimental. i love my brother so much. i am so lucky to have him as a brother. i cry thinking about it

7:25 this is so dumb im crying about how much i love my brother

7:26 i sanitize my hands. i think i finally have energy after my panic attacks today snd i have the strength to cry so all my energy is just pouring out. i was so scared today.

7:27 Julián texts and i respond. i tell him i love him

7:29 i check instagram then jump to tell ace snd kon that im crying and can feel emotions again. ace was sending me grounding techniques earlier.

7:31 i go reread the email i sent to jean to make sure that it made sense. it does.

7:32 i sanitize my hands. i text Julián more

7:36 i sanitize

7:37 i get up put on slippers grab water glass change slippers go to kitchen. i use my sweatshirt sleeve to open the fridge door but my bare hand to pour water into my glass. i take a sip and close the door before i set down the glass and sanitize my hands

7:38 i change slippers and go into the bathroom. i use toilet paper to life the lid

7:39 i pee

7:40 i wash my hands no ritual i use my sleeve to open the door. i change my slippers and go back to the kitchen

7:41 i put on my purple gloves and pick up from lunch. i move my paper towels to the trash and my tupperware to the side of the sink. i was my gloved hands no ritual then take the glass tupperware i almost used today snd put it away. i sanitized my gloves took them off then sanitized my hands and finished my water

7:44 i pour more water with my bare hands and sanitize again. mental breakdowns are very dehydrating

7:45 i drain my water glass. i feel better. i have more life in me.

7:46 i sit down for a bit to text Julián before i move everything back to my room.

7:47 im about to open instagram but i stop. writing it down every time is exhausting but that might make my social media usage more healthy actually.

7:48 i sanitize my hands, pour more water bare hand, sanitize again, and drain my water glass

7:49 i use my gloves to move everything to my bedroom and make another trip for my hand sanitizer. i sanitize my hands in between trips

7:50 i change slippers use my sweatshirt sleeves to lift my laptop and black gloves onto the bed. i sanitize my hands. just assume when i get on my bed ive taken off my slippers




8:33 i do a halfway point render of my files. i sanitize my hands




10:23 i take off my gloves and sanitize my hands. i DID IT. im gonna pass out once its done exporting. i have to. check it for errors i went through once but i wanna see it on its own.

10:25 i check instagram.

10:27 i scratch my nose. my fingers are pruny from my gloves

10:28 i acratch mt chin

10:29 i scratcg my nose and exit instagram

10:30 i scratch my nose again and look at a tiktok ace sent me

10:34 i scratch my head and eyebrow. i check instagram

10:37 i decide to finally check the video. I put a black glove onto my right hand.

10:39 i sanitize my hand and grab my headphones with my gloved hand. i plug them in.

11:00 i go through and balance out the audio channels and volumes. i get a better white noise sample and use it for the background so that way it feels less jilted and more natural. i make it so english is all in one headphone and simlish is all in the other side

11:17 i finish and press export. i take off my glove and sanitize my hands. i was so excited i ended up using both hands and touching my laptop with my bare hand

11:21 i sanitize again

11:24 i try to upload to vimeo but the file is too big. i do an unlisted video on youtube instead. i sanitize my hands three times.

11:31 i check insta and respond to dms from ace and kon as well as one from nat and one from jamie

11:35 i text mentos illness group chat about my video. they are excited to see it

11:36 i text my therapist about the fact that i finished an assignment. she says congrats

11:39 i texted a bunch of people about my video. i havent made a finished art piece in so long. i sanitize my hands

11:45 ive been zoning out i sanitize my hands n go talk to milner abt my art piece they will watch later. nat is watching rn

11:50 i change slippers go to bathroom.

11:52 i pee. i check instagram