12:07 in bed. hurts. took tylenol earlier it helps. i hate this stupid fucking body

12:22 catch up obey me. mihht wait 20 min for one more battle. saving stored ap for last push tomorrow in paws and then going all out for demon vouchers in paws 2. ssrs dont matter anymore

12:33 check instagram. check obey me. seven minutes

12:39 chrck insta check obey me. thirty seconds

12:41 set alarms gnit


7:52 wake feeling ok ? havent tried to move yet   chek insta check mail

7:54 check fitbit sleep score 81. slept 6:5 hours

8:16 catcg up on obey me. grinding in Paws to get max points for today

8:18 fill out check in form

8:25 put on slippers go outside. wendy is getting coffee from the pantry and mimi is eating at the table. i say hi. wendy calls me gayboy. i laugh. i go to the bathroom change slippers

8:26 i sit down and pee i get up wash hands. brush teeth

8:27 wash face go change slippers go outside to room

8:28 take off slippers close door. i make my bed and get on it with my komaeda blanket and check mail

8:30 i join group. the he / they says hi and chooses me to go after him. i love attention

8:44 we finish. i dont feel Awful from vaccine but i did drop my phone in the bathroom from a muscle spasm which isn’t fun

8:47 i write down check in:

hw i did ba’s

ideas for exposures are slim. vaccine hurt but i want to get a few done

depression 0 ln 3

avoudancd 3 ln 2

rumination 2 ln 2

self harm thoughts 0 ln 0

homicidal thoughts 0 ln 0

eat dinner yes

brush teeth yes

shower no last time the 15th

breakfast no but will soon

slept 6:5 hrs and slept ok

suicidal ideation 0 ln 1

anxiety 1 ln 2

8:50 track sanitize

submit 0 resist 22

8:53 go to check on dough. no one outside anymore

9:02 finish setting starter to proof. it got a nice rise to it. wendy came in for a bit and then mimi came to sit down and paint

9:05 i go and clean up all my tabs on my phone and set the over to 450

9:06 i go to bathroom dont change slippers take temperature just in case

9:07 no fever. i grab tylenol cuz im getting a bad headache. i go to my room grab water glass go outside fill it.

9:08 i take tylenol i go back to my room with water take risperdal morning dose too.

9:12 i get on my bed. feel sick like sniffly. happy i dont have a fever. feel awful but im gonna try and ask to do exposures

9:20 join meeting with megan

9:29 leave meeting. feel physically worse but i told them yes exposures. paranoia is ok hands cramping so bad. put on slippers and go outside. milner turned off the over but its ok its still hot i turn it on. they apologize and i say i totally understand. milner is making coffee at the counter and mimi is painting.

9:30 i score the bread and put it in the over. milner asks what im baking and i say sourdough bread. i set an alarm for 9:50

9:31 i walk over to entryway. play a bit of obey me then take off slippers

9:32 start

9:36 finish 3 3. wendy comes outside to get food. she says the house reeks of weed. it’s all milner no one else smoke not from a pen indoors.

9:39 i walk past her by her fridge and take off slippers go to room urge

9:40 start clothes

9:44 finish. 4 2 4 urge

9:49 been on instagram obey me and checking mail. we r getting more likes on insta and its v surreal

9:50 alarm rings. put on slipper go outside. take lid off bread. she’s rising beautifully. wendy is outside making an omelette and and steps aside so i can open oven. mimi is painting and milner is watching their phone at the kitchen table

9:51 start floor

9:55 finish 4 1. ask milner to wipe off counter where coffee spilled. two urges

9:56 i watch them use their bare hand to scoop it in. i set alarm for bread. urge

9:57 urge. wendy is in a class and the people are acting on zoom and doinf Terribly. milner and wendy talk aboht the teacher

9:58 take off slippers go to room do clothes

10:00 milners alarm goes off idk for what

10:02 finish 4 2 0. muscles hurt. urge

10:03 urge. check obey me. 3hrs to get 80ap - 30 = 50ap. i’ll have 14 needed ap but i should be able to get at least some of it through friends sending ap and if not ill spend dp. it’s 1dp for 10ap so worst comes to worse i spend 1 or 2 dp

10:06 get up try technology. lifht candle

10:10 finish 3 1 0. urge

10:13 leave room gonna do floor

10:14 start. milner asks if im ok and i say im just pacing for exposure therapy

10:18 finish 3 2 twelve minutes till bread is done >:)

10:20 take bread and put it on oven rack for 10 more min. urge

10:21 back in room gonna put sweatpants on then do more exposures

10:22 eat york patty urge. start clothes

10:26 finish. 1 0 0. urge

10:27 i go and update my exposures. done more than i thought !

10:29 i smell my bread so i run over and take it out and put it on a tray to cool. urge. i turn off oven

10:30 entryway baby

10:34 finish. 2 1

10:37 email tom. urge. go to room take off slippefs

10:38 start clothes

10:41 finish. 2 0 0. urge

10:42 check obey me. i got 5 ap from friends. 9 extra ap i need.

10:44 more calculations cuz my last ones were off. 82 ap needed now. 2hr 30 to get 52 ap. 12 ap per hour. need 20 extra ap so 2dp

10:49 tech

10:53 finish. 1 0 1. two urges. why does no one like my art ? or they do but i can’t tell anymore. i feel small.

10:55 post to mentos. one more exposure then meet

10:59 finish 1 0 0. urge. put on slippers run to kitchen get bread eat run to room. urge urge

11:00 updating exposures eating bread. urge

11:01 join meeting

11:07 end. doinf well on exposurss. three urges. gonna have a snack and then finish floor

11:47 i ate bread with sam and wendy instead. go to group lunch no one there i just go on instagram

11:50~ brooke arrives ! i teach her how to do eyeliner

group notes: 


not trans enough and lying about my identity somehow


it is not someones job to console me. i do not want to be aburden. i cant imagine believing what anyone tells me


what is a cis person to tell me i am trans enough ?


what is a transfem or someone who has been harassed more than me to give me a gold star ?


if someone like ace or claire tells me i am doing ok, they also dont know the experiences of other trans people and are in no position to deem me “Trans” enough

somehow i need to figure this out myself. or look at a third person out there. maybe the doctor at st johns dr tran 

1:02 finish group. get all points for Paws today before the lonely devil ticket ends. brain zap bad

1:04 text renzel and cameron abt website and jamie about scabies

1:07 catch up on insta message back dannah nat and taylor. augustona texted gonna reply after doing floor

1:09 start floor

1:13 finish floor. i ended up walking and getting more bread during habituation oops. i eat it and finish the loaf

1:14 washing dishes. wendy tells me my bread is god. we talk about things i can bake with the startwr

1:16 i finish dishes and run to my room take off slippers urge to sanitize start meeting. did i sanitize ? cant remember

1:28 end meeting. megan and margaret are proud of me ! gonna do tech exposures for the rest of the day

1:29 start. touch monitor this time

1:33 finish. 4 3 1. urge. i go to my laptop to loon at gdevelop 5 which is what augustina used to make her game

1:41 start again. touched my headphones this time

1:45 finish. 5 3 0.

1:48 last round. touch monitor

1:51 finish. 3 2 1

2:14 end group. shut down laptop give ut some time

2:41 play wordscapes nap

5:54 wake

dream about a wedding. dont remember this one. there was a fight. something something next dream

a girl was wildly pregnant and on her own she was blonde teal shirt long sleeve shirt had a ponytail. there was a game similar to friday night funkin that played over everything and it was very fast. i was sitting on the passenger side of the car and then struggling to play but then i realize i could move to the left side of the car and play to that side of the drivers seat so i do. the girl is at home alone and her aunt and uncle and cousin come over her aunt is also immensely pregnant and responds sadly to the girl’s pregnancy that she brushes off. it’s a house layout similar to mine but all white and pale blue and they walk down the hall towards the front door. there’s the kid with playing with toys on the right side of the house on the floor there is sand on the floor.

then it changes at some point and it’s me and not the girl i’m not as pregnant but i need a baptism for my baby shower. my mom and dad and i are racing through a church where there’s a dull glass tile wall that goes down into a faded teal basin dug into the ground. it has a shape like a popsicle mold and there’s a drain on the ground slightly yellowed. i say that if the font was filled with Real holy water then it WOULDNT BE DIRTY. my dad shushes me.

we cant baptize me because there’s people around but we race to the bathroom for some reason. we are looking around. my dad goes into a toilet stall my mom has a broken showerhead and is pointing it at the stalls then at the sinks. the sinks are all full of water have like the basins and then this metal riddled like swiss cheese with big holes that comes up the sides and with a small dip in the front to wash your hands. my mom points the shower head at the sinks frantically and the water level goes down. she says go go go go go and i pull down my pants hoist myself up so im floating. i somehow stay floating and grab like a pinky-size baby plastic jesus with blond hair, like the jesus that is in the nativity scene we put out at christmas. i swallow it and pee and the dream ends

i spend the next several minutes in and out as im still half dreaming but trying to put together the facts of my previous dreams. by the end of the last dream i was lucid dreaming but couldnt change anything just watched

6:00~ milner mimi and sam are arguing about mimi getting the vaccine. she’s refusing to get it and keeps saying she wants to wait til the 15 even though she’s already eligible. she wants to do it through kaiser. theyvare trying to tell her that the amount of steps to get it right now is the same amount of work and maybe even less, and that if she tries and gets the vaccine the day its released for all adults then she wont be able to get a appointment for a While. she might not be able to participate in celebrations for graduation cuz she wont be vaccinated in time. mimi says no well i don’t care. milner tries explaining that they just got their first dose and everyone in the house will be vaccinated except mimi and we want to be able to do stuff without worrying about mimi getting sick. mimi doesn’t get it. she says she will want to do the one-shot vaccine cuz we all have to get it in the fall again like the flu shot. we explain that’s not how it will be every year and the main focus is getting the death rates down and it might be longer until we get the new version of the vaccine. i cant tell if she agrees or not.

6:06 sam goes back to his room and i text sam about it. he agrees that it’s dumb. he’s at his writing conference rn and hates it because the best part about the conference is the fact that they gave him and ghe other students a free dinner. he’s eating undercooked ramen in front of his laptop rn.

6:18 mimi texts me abt watching more drive to survive and i say yes. she’s getting a snack and says she will knock on my door when she is ready.

6:21 i text ace. they got new cards in higurashi. theyre all so cute. i catch up in typing out my dream and conversation i overheard. gonna check obey me. so out of it still. muscles better but arm fucking hurts

6:41 i decide to try showering. i gather items. i go out and see my LAA sash has arrived so i take it and open it. nice. i plug in my air freshener

6:43 i put on slippers go to the bathroom change slippers. turn on water so it warms up

6:44 start showering. i manage to do all steps including shaving my underarms without panicking

6:52 i finish showering and moisturizing and all that. i feel better. i was really really sweaty and me smelling bad was causing more distress than the shower itself

6:57 mimi says time to watch i say hang on im gonna do a task and she says cool ill do some work

6:58 i start putting away laundry. mimi announces she loves being barefoot as she goes to get her readings

7:19 i finish. it really did take 20 minutes. i sanitize and unplug the air freshener

7:21 i organize my items and take the trash from the packages out. mimi is doing her readings outside.

7:22 i go back to my room grab my laptop and chargwr and water glass and bring it out. i quickly put away my candle and lighter.

7:23 i come outside get water. mimi and i are gonna start soon. i sip my water and say let me type for a sec she says sure. i sit down at the kitchen table to type

7:29 finish catching up. body moving slow. brain zaps

7:30 i move my stuff to the couch. i ask if i can open a window and she says yes. i open the one on the right side. it’s a bit dirty. urge. i turn on the fan as well and turn off its light

7:31 i go back to my room sanitize. i look at myself in the mirror. feel fat. im wearing a tank top and shorts and its the first time in a while i’m not in an overly baggy tshirt. i ran out.

7:33 i come back and sit down on the grey couch and navigate to netflix. mimi had turned on the tv already but her phone wouldn’t connect to the roku as a remote

7:34 i start drive to survive. all my muscles r so sore

7:38 muscles hurt.  maybe i should make nuggets to get not just bread in me

7:43 j smell the trash. awful

7:53 get up close trash lid. urge

8:07 pause so mimi can make dinner. we talk about f1 vs indy car in terms of speed. i try and explain how one second is huge in terms of acceleration difference ( f1’s 2 vs indy’s 3 to get to 90km/hr. ) she says i know a lot but i really dont. i am baby fan and know so fucking little lmao.

8:13 i check instagram. im hungry.

8:18 smell trash again. wanna cry. mimi comments that the fireworks are back

8:20 catch up on obey me. arm hurts. hungry.

8:24 check instagram. text sam back.

wendy comes out of her room. she has showered and her hair is wet. shes getting food

8:25 i ask if i should make nuggets mimi and wendy say yes. i get up and i go to get water first. i ask who’s tupperware it is and mimi says it’s pretty much all hers and she will throw it away. she thought it was me and my parents were sending me food and i said im not allowing them to do that.

8:30 i go sanitize and start doing my nuggets. i put them in the toaster oven

8:31 i go wash my hands in the bathroom dont change slippers

8:32 i come out put away the foil and move my water to the kitchen table. i sip and go sit down. i dont know how to talk to my roommates abt my ocd

8:36 check insta but then go to check texts from sam

8:40 i check mail. eloise arrives and i open the door for her

8:41 eloise comes in and comments that it’s hot in here and we agree. wendy spilled beans in the kitchen. i sit down at the grey couch again and start the episode again now that mimi has finished and is eating her meal on the beige couch.

8:48 talking to wendy and eloise abt jamie and jt. apparently he isnt treating eloise’s roommate well.

8:50 wendy and eloise and i discuss jack coming to visit while he’s here from chicago. as wendy jamie am and i are the Jack Fanclub we are very excited and i am trying tk give wendy hope that jack is coming over here because he is in love with her

8:54 eloise and wendy are talking about dating more. they always talk about dating while not dating anyone. tired

9:04 call eloise out on saying soemthing transphobic and she denies it. i tell her she did and to not say it again. i get my nuggets

9:05 still really mad about eloise. she literally said that guys cant have pussies. im so mad kdkdkdjdndjjfjf its fucking trans day of visibility

11:59 went in room. threw away nugget foil texted with ace a lot. went on call with them to work on their resume. posted on my insta account abt being trans. saw alan wagner is trying to come back. tired. ended call with ace a few minutes ago. talked with sam abt gender. gender is a lie. gonna type in exposures and either do sims or go to bed. so sweaty. might turn on fan