12:03 i finally get up cuz i was texfinf nat.

12:04 i wash my hands and brush my teeth. too tired to remember rituals or how i flushed

12:06 i change slippers and text with nat at the doorway. i start crying

12:07 i start cryinf REALLY hard i think my energy finally collapsed n everything iwas holding in just erupted out now that the video is done.

12:13 i get more water and sanitixe my hands. i take my lamictal and risperdal

12:15 i get in bed and take off my sweatshirt and keep texting nat

12:17 i stop crying i think ill sleep

12:20 i check instagram. i set alarm for 11:45 i dont want to miss julias class shes so kind. i sleep now

12:21 i take of my pants ahead of time cuz evidently ill just take them off in the middle of the night

10:48 ive been drifting in and out of sleep for a while but finally i grab my phone

10:49 i have a bad headache

10:50 i check my mail. jean responded i’ll respond later.

10:51 i check instagram

10:57 i rub my nose and exit instagram

10:58 i had a dream where it was me my brother my old friend darby and this little girl that reminded me of satoko from higurashi and some other kids and we were on a field trip to some ancient greek city. there was confusion on which dirt road to take but we finally made it with the rest of the class. from there we had to decide where to sleep for the night and the teacher made us not do drugs because we would crash into an artifact and break it. then we played a bunch of games and there was a race amongst the artifacts and it was like a video game we played where we had to collect these black blobs that trailed around like shooting stars. then there was also puzzles to solve but it was meant for another member of the team but i did it anyways and we won with originally 37000 something points but with the boost from the puzzle it brought us up to 38300. then there was a party afterwards and we were in a room with a big window and a big beige leather couch and we were facetiming two guys i think they were either RAs or on another team. they come over and we all drink a lot and dance. thats all i remember for right now there was more but my head hurts.

11:05 i respond to all my texts. ace and my brother rlly liked my video. cam did too. i sent it to sam

11:09 i chefk instagram and comment on a mutuals post. i need to fix an error in my video

11:10 i sanitize my hands. i cant find my glasses. ive sat up in bed now

11:11 a chunj of my left calf is rubbed raw. thats what was hurting me last night. i have no idea how that happened.

11:12 i fins my glasses. i respond to sam. my head hurts so bad

11:13 i get our of bed. i put on my slippers and sanitize my hands and put on new boxers. i sanitize again and change slippers and go get water from the fridge. i just use the hem of my shirt to open the fridge and i grab it with my bare hand. i drink a whole glass kf water and then refill

10:14 i come back to my room change slippers and sanitize my hands. i get bacn into bed and bring my watwr with me

11:15 i sanitize my hands

11:16 i use my black glove to move my laptop to my bed and open it up. i sanitize my hands after i take off the black glove and then use my bare hand to touch id and open premiere and fix the audio error. i export it again and sanitize my hands while i wait.

11:18 i drink more water and crack my neck. cracking my nexk rlly helped with my headache

11:19 i text ace and let them know they can share my video with their other ocd friends

11:20 i tap my computer and sanitize my hands and keep textinf ace

11:21 i catcg up on obey me

11:23 my video finished exporting. i reupload it to youtube. i sanitize my hands.

11:25 i check blackboard. it says we are visiting a guest lecturer for julias class in jeans class. im so tired. i email julia the good news about my video and thaf i will be missing class today.

11:31 i send the email and sanitize my hands and drink some water. i tap my laptop and sanjtize my hands.

11:32 i get up tk go to the bathroom. i change my slippers. i look at milner. their skin is sk white and beautiful. im pale but i will never be that pale. i wish i could be that pale and have my white hair back

11:33 i see wendy in the kitchen. i ask her tk make me a mug of coffee to help with my headache

11:34 i go into the bathroom. i use a bit of toilet paper to lift the lid and i go pee

11:35 i text ace

11:36 i get up wipe and flush. no toilet paper to flush. i pit on my boxers with my other hand wash my hands no ritual

11:37 i brush my teeth

11:39 i leave the bathroom and change my slippers. wendy made me coffee. i take a sip and i feel a lot better

11:40 we joke about the french and gender roles because i overhear the teacher talk about the in her zoom class. i know nothinf about the french

11:41 i go back into my bathroom and decide to rebleach my eyebrows. i go to milners bathroom and grab my leftover items and find my bleach toothbrush.

11:42 i mix the bleach back in my bathroomi put too much developer in so i try and mix the bleach with a bit of it on the side. i wore my living area slippers in milners bathroom but i did so back when i shared with them for a bit so it didnt bother me

11:43 i use the toothbrush to brush it onto my eyebrows. i rinse the bowl and wash my hands no ritual

11:44 i step outside to drink coffee. i can touch it with my bare hands and not sanitize dven though it isnt my water glass. i am very proud of myself

11:45 my alarm rings. i stop it

11:46 i am writing everything down wgen i realize i didnt change my slippers. i go back to my bathroom change my alippers and go back to the kitchen. im not too bothered

11:49 i catch up on writing stuff down. i check my texts from ace

11:50 one of ace’s friends on peach rlly liked the video and couls relate cuz they also have ocd. it made me really happy. thats what i want, for people to understand my work on different levels and relate on different levels. I sit down at the kitchen table while i text ace back.

11:52 i check instagram and respond to sams message

11:53 i chat with wendy about whether she should go lie down or mot

11:54 my alarm rings again. i accidentally pressed snooze instead of stop. i make sure to stop it for real this time.

11:55 i thank wendy for the coffee. its helping my head. ive been cracking my neck a lot and thats helping a lot too

11:57 i go back to my room and change slippers. i sanitize my hands and take my effexor and methylfolate with my coffee. i put my face oil on and sanitize my hands again. i go back to my bed and put my coffee down on the side. i sanitize my hands and refresh my laptop.

11.58 i email my video link to jean and my thesis committee. i also send it to spencer and my therapist. i check my mail and my google drive, but decide to fill out the form erin sent out later on in the day

12:09 i finish typing and sending out my video and sanitize my hands. its a lot easier to use my laptop today. that’s what exposure therapy is all about baby. i am a genius

12:12 i drink some more coffee. ive been narrating my actions in my head lately to help me remember when i sit down and retrace my steps. i feel like i did when i was a kid and i wanted to feel ljke the protagonist of my own novel. right now i am the main character

12:14 i text augustina and ask if she wants to see my video. im rlly happy because i havent been able to make a finished piece in a long time and i want everyone to see it. it’s a big victory for me.

12:15 i notice that what started out as a more objective recording of my day now has a lot more thoughts and emotions. is this what a diary feels like ? this is helping me a lot mentally. i sanitize my hands

12:16 i scratch my head and crack ym neck. i drink more coffee and sanitize my hands again. i want to use my laptop more because i havent been able to use it casually in weeks.

12:17 i consider ordering postmates to celebrate. i cry a bit about my victory. i decide to start my after effects project




12:20 i sanitize my hands and open instagram on my phonw. i laugh at a meme my friend posted to mentos illness. after effects tells me i need more cache space so i have to go get my hard srivw

12:21 i have another sip of coffee and move it to my nightstand. i should have done it a bit ago




1:30 i havent updated in a bit. been working on afterwffects. the coffee is helping so much i should start drinking coffee like its helping my brain a lot. ive been touching my laptop fine. at 1:23 i sanitized and at 1:26.

1:29 i check instagram and send a photo to jean because im excited i can touch my laptop. whoever is posting to mentos is brilliant.

1:31 i go out and talk to sam and mimi and wendy. we talk about how someone should try and get the theorizing ig qccount deleted.

1:52 i talked with mimi about star wars and the mandalorian. we hate the new movies and we talk about how disneyland should open up dexter’s diner. we talk about the disneyland passes getting cut. we plan an indiana jones marathon. at around 1:45 wendy came out and we talked about bill burr.

1:53 mimi leaves to go to class. sam left a few minutes ago cuz i called cgi yoda a gilf. ive been cracking my neck and stretching it out and it feels good.

1:55 i check instagram. i feel myself gettinf tired i might stop after effects for the day but im going to finish my sims face first. im excited to make it melt.

1:56 i was going to get postmates but i remembered i messaged An earlier today about buying a necklace. i cant get postmates and also buy a necklace. i decide to make instant ramen instead

1:57 i get up sanitize my hands and get a ramen from my room. i grab my purple living area gloves sanitize my hands put them on and sanitize my hands again

1:58 i brinf my ramen out and set it down then sanitize again. i open the lid and pour water in the container and then run back and sanitize again. i brinf oht my hand sanitizer and sanitize again. i thought i was doing good today but my stress is back and now i feel the coffee shaking my wntire body. my slippers arw getting contaminated from the ground. i feel like poison is seepinf from the floor up my legs and my legs are goinf to fall off

1:59 i rip a paper towel in half and lay one half on the microwave dish. i see food on the dish and i want to throw up. i put the orher half on top od the ramen and put it in the microwave and sanitize my hands. i put the timer for theee minutes and sanitize my hands. i think mimi cane oht and talked to me but i cant remember. im very shaky

2:02 its done. i had taken off my purple gloves to type so i wouldnt contaminate my phone i have to put them back on. im going to place my phone on the trivet now. i sanirize my hands.

2:03 i pur on my purple gloves and sanitize again. i open the microwave and carefully take out the ramen holding both paper towels so it doesnt touch anythinf. i set it on the counter and remove the paper towel on top. i take off my gloves and sanitize my hanss then rip open the sauce packets and pour them in. i use the glove to open the silverware drawer and grab a pair of chopsticks and place them on top od the ramen and sanitize my hands. i stir the ramen and then lift it and the chopsticks to the table where i switch it with my pgone. i samitize my hands and then my leg which bumped into the table. i sit down.

2:07 i begin eating. thw ramen is super hot i have to wait a minute. i check my messages. nothing new. i check instagram. nothing new

2:09 i open youtube and screenshot my video piece to post to instagram. i try and log into linktree but it doesnt work. i try and login to gmail and it wont update my keychain with my google password. it was a complicated computer generated one so i dont remember it.

2:11 i eat some ramen. its still super hot. i decide to try and reset my password.

2:15 i eay more ramen. still superhot

2:18 i reset my password. i use another computer generated one and pray that irs saved to my keychain

2:19 i click the linktree link and make a password

2:20 i update my links and then write out the caption and post on instagram. i turn off comments because i want to be vulnerable without people saying that im brave or strong

2:21 i text with augustina about my video and thesis

2:41 i finish my ramen n drink the broth. a bit gets on my chin and i use a napkin to wipe it. i feel less shaky than before.

2:43 i check instagram then go back to texting augustina. we talk about obey me

2:46 i throw away the ramen container and sanitize my hands. im getting sleepy. i decide to do my makeup for class because i am presenting today

2:47 i sanitized my hands threw away the lid and packets sanitized again. sorry if the next few steps are a blur im very tired. i put the chopsticks on top of a plate by the sink.

2:50 i think i washed my hands and sanitized and went to the bathroom to put on my contacts i changed my slippers. i realized i didnt have my contact solution so i changed slippers and got it from my bedroom

2:51 i clean my brown circle lenses and put them on i wash my hands. i had put my glasses on my phone so it wouldnt touch the sink and now i tucked them into the collar of my shirt as i grabbed toilet paper and wiped down the sink. i used my nails and the side of my phone to turn on all the lights and stuff and i used my nail to open up the cabinet again and put the case and solution away.

2:53 i go back to the kitchen sanitize then grab the sanitizer and bring it back to my room where i put my glasses on my desk. i sanitize again and grab the red chair feom the kitchen and bring it with me no gloves. i sit down sanitize my hands and do my makeup.

3:17 i finish and sanitize and go to take a video for my instagram story. i spent a few minutes fixing my makeup so it looked good on the camera. i used the new eyeliner ren gave me and its so nice.

3:23 i post a video to my story. i look like a doll

3:24 i post another where i talk about the new post. i can be narcissistic and informative at the same time

3:25 i post a photo to my private insta story

3:30 i sanitize my hands and plug i. my laptop. i sanitize again and let it turn on

3:33 i exit out of after effects because im tired. i save the project first i fant believe i hadnt saved yet oops

3:40 i take a photo on photobooth and sanitize my hands. i am exhausted and i have an hour twenty until my class

3:46 i finish typing down everything. i have to pee.

3:48 i text sam about how dumb artists are who rely only on social media, at least with their inability to understand the general art market and how to function in the more gallery focused art world. a while ago i texted ren about our tattoo tomorrow and they responded and i cant remember what time that was

3:49 i check my mail. my amazon package has been delivered but im so tired i dont wanna move. i feel like a slug. i think its cuz im crashing after the coffee.

3:50 i check instagram and realize that they turned on numbers for likes on my main again. the only reason i posted abt my piece is because i couldnt see how many likes it got. im rlly sad now

3:56 i exit instagram. i want to sleep for a million years.

3:57 im gonna go pee

3:58 i sanitize get up change slipper go outside. i talk with milner abt me crashing from the caffeine. coffee is literally a drug.

4:00 i use the back of my hand to go into the bathroom. i change slipper and pee and the lid was alrdy up so no toilet paper to lift it. i flush and wash hands. no ritual. i use my bare hand to open the door and change slippers and i sanitize when i get back.

4:02 i get on my bed and take a hit of my weed pen and it makes me sleepier. bad choice. i blow some smoke rings. i touched my laptop i feel contaminated but so tired.

4:05 i sanitize.

4:06 i check instagram. bigdickcatboy is hyped about out of touch thursday im so glad. i posted that a bit ago i forget when. i text sam about infographics

4:07 ace sends me a tiktok. its not bad. i text same about angelmami

4:10 i text sam about how sleepy i am. i feel like im abt to fall over

4:19 i catch up on obey me. having trouble focusing my eyes

4:20 i check instagram

4:21 i check the audio of my video on my laptop without headphones. it sounds dope. i sanitize my hands. 39 minutes til class. i just want ti go to sleep.

4:22 i check my email but i dont wait for it to load. im just trying to stimulate myself so i dont sleep

4:23 i take three hits from my weed pen and blow a bunch of smoke rings. theyre so calming to watch. somehow i feel more awake.

4:24 i do poppers

4:25 i check my phone camera to see if my face is red from the poppers. i csnt tell

4:26 i text mimi and ace separately. ace and i joke about me spamming the meme page. i love doing that. i feel a little bit more awake.

4:27 i sanitize my hands

4:28 i get up put on slippers close the drawer where my hard drive was with my leg because i forgot to earlier. i pick up my black gloves and sanitize my hands. i use the back of a glove to close my door and sanitize again. i go back to my bed and sanitize my hands again

4:29 i sanitize my hands

4:30 i set an alarm for 4:55 and close my eyes

4:32 i couldnt tell if those were gunshots or not but i hear a few bangs and then a car speeding.

4:38 ive been texting sam ace and mimi. sam didnt realize my sims monologue was from the AI and not my own actions. he says its metal as fuck. mimi is feeding a cat outside. ace and i talk about modern kin culture

4:41 i check instagram respond to adrians comment then text ace back. wendy is now responding the roommate group chat too. we all love the cat.

4:42 18 minutes until class

4:43 i get off my bed put on slippers sanitize my hands open the door sanitize my hands again and change slippers. wendy and i go look at the cat outside together. we lose our shit its so cute

4:45 i go back in an open my packages no sanitizer. its my keyboard cover, ipad case, and deoderant. i throw away the packaging but keep the deoderant box because i love a good box. also theres no room in the recycling bin.

4:46 i put the case on my ipad. it feels MUCH safer now. i feel a huge amount of stress leave my body.

4:47 i bring everything to my room and sanitize my hands after putting the stuff down on my dresser. i change slippers and close the door with my leg and get back on my bed.

4:48 i type everything down

4:51 i finish typing. i sanitize my hands three times.

4:53 i go on instagram. i read up on nfts. theyve been around for a while im amazed theyre blowing up right now. the art world is tiring.

4:54 i remember i took a class about nft’s in sophomore year of college.

4:55 i sanitize my hands




5:53 i go out to the kitchen change my slippers and sanitize. i go to wendys room and talk about the allegedly bi but confirmed gay man that shes in love with. we take selfies with sam.

6:00 i go out to the living area and hang out with mimi and sam. they are watching real housewives of beverly hills

6:23 i check instagram

6:37 i get up to use tje restroom. i grab toilet paper and use it to close the front and back door snd the toilet lid

6:38 i go #1 and 2

6:39 i use toilet paper to flush and wash my hands. i had put on overalls for class earlier and i stick my hand inside and use the fabrix to open the door. i change my slippers

6:40 i go to my room and sanitize my hands. i notice my laptop is still on so i take off my slippers and dont put on my bedroom. i just take a step and lean forward and close my laptop then sanitize my hands.

6:42 i grab my jacket from the living area and follow wendy to her car. we get in and drive to jamie’s house to clean it. im just going to hang out.

6:48 i check instagram. a meme i posted earlier is doing well. i exit instagram

6:51 we arrive at jamies. wendy pays for parking

6:53 we get to jamies door. wendy has trouble unlocking it. i just kind of watch.

6:57 i help unlock it. we go inside

7:00 i make jamies bed. its nice to be somewhere witjout gloves. for some reason i am doing ok

7:04 i organize her xhair and sit down to read wendy the awful essay used as an examplein class

7:29 i finish reading the essay. its terrible

7:36 i sweep jamies room. its satisfying to clean but im

7:37 i check instagram

7:45 i text ace and kon

7:50 i retie my shoes

7:57 we leave the apartment. wendy runs back in to put away the record she was playing

7:58 i help wendy lock the door because shes having trouble. i manage to do it first try. wendy goes to tjrow away the trash

8:00 we take jamies laundry with us and start to exit the building

8:01 we take the elevator. im terrified of elevators. luckily it doesnt go and we take the stairs instead. i hold onto wendys bag

8:02 we are at wendys car. she has a timy bug so it takes a bit to get jamies laundry inside. i wnd up sitting in the backseat because it can’t fit in the space behind the passenger seat

8:04 we start driving back. i check instagram

8:07 i check instagram again but immediately exit

8:08 we arrive back. milner is outside smoking a cigarette and we say hello

8:09 i usw my sleevw to punch in the code and walk in. i change into my slippers and sanitize three times

8:11 i usw my sleeve to open the fridge and grab a costco tiramisu cup. i grab a fork and swt ir down and then go sanitize my hands. i eat it.

8:14 i use pie dough to gwt the last of the tiramisu. im craving chocolate so bad

8:16 i toss a dessert tamale in the microwave no plate i just need chocolate. i need it right now

8:17 i check instagram

8:18 i check my mail. jennifer has responded and can make the meeting. my tamale is ready

8:19 i unwrap it and put it on the wrapper on the trivet. i eat it

8:20 i finish eating go to my room change slippers grab my water glass change slippers go use my sleeve to open fridge and use my bare jand to pour water. i take a sip then go sanitize my hands

8:21 i pull out three more tamales and toss them in the microwave. im slightly manic right now and riding on the high of not wearing my gloves in the kitchen. im gonna burn out soon but right now im vibrating

8:25 i respond to aces text. im definitely manic i feel like im going a hundred miles an hour

8:26 tamales done

8:33 i ate two pork one more dessert everything. is zooming. my heart is beating at a normal pace but it feels like irs about to burst out of my chest. visually cant focus well i feel like im abojt to collapse. i think this is the moment i die. i just evision everything going dark just everything fast forwards and it goes dark and i die i just collapse on the ground and i die and its dark and im dead and theres nothing and everything is going ro kill me. ive never been more live. i am alive and going to die im going to die i have to stop typing im going to go twxt ace or something because i feel like if i dont thpe im going to die i have to type or else everhthing is going to go dadk this is whats keeping me a live i wont die if i thpe ok im going to go twxg ace im going to go text ace oh mt god oh my god oh my god okokokokokkokk im so svafed im so scared to stop typing in this note i literally i literally feel liek there sre sirens in my head everhthing is happening so fast i am in fight or flight mode i feel like im about to wxplode i cant stop typing i can never stop thping i want to die so bad i want it but im so scared to die i dont want to stop typing ok. immmm going. im   i stopped. im so tired. i

8:37 i feel like im going to fall asleep all my energy is gone. i am a puddle sinking into the floor. the floor is sending germs up my leg. i move to couch now

8:39 im on couch. my heart is beating hard. i feel my body move with my heartbeat i feel it pulse. eyes trouble focusing.

8:47 im dissociating less. i keep having these intense swings in the day. i talk with wendy about the essay and about serial killers snd how they are not attractive. i feel ted bundy standing behind me. maybe its not him but in my head i say it is. he is not attractive. maybe its just an evil spirit following me but i can sense it stalking me.

8:50 i start watching ted bundy documentary again on netflix to confirm that its him haunting me

8:57 i check instagram. i post twice to my private story

9:14 i pausw twd bundy to text ace and kon. i had scratched my head and i let out a small fart while watching but i dont know specific times

9:27 weve been talking about piss kinks and eren jaegar and danganronpa

9:31 i check instagram

9:37 ive been jumping back snd forth between insta and texting. i fheck my mail briefly

9:40 i get up go to my room change slippers sanitize my hands. i get on my bed i realize how tired i am

9:51 ive been dissociating still. i think i was on instagram i checked my mail. im not sure what is happening

9:59 i played ovey me. i switched from dissociating to just being tired. im exhausted

10:03 i cycled from instagram to texts to mail. my leg rested on my laptop and i freaked out.

10:06 i post to mentos illness. ace texted me and i check

10:42 i got high and i forgot to write. sam wendy and i are going to prank mimi snd milner because they went to san diego. my new weed cartridge doesnt fit my battery. sad

11:01 im laying on the couch. i was looking at different new batteries i will get one tomorrow. ren texted me about our tattoo appointment tomorrow. i am so excited

11:02 i want someone hot to be mean to me. ace keeps sending me these tiktoks of hot cosplayers i literally just. i need to be degraded so bad. i want to get spit on.

11:15 been texting some degenerate things to ace. sam wendy and i want to figure out how to get vaccinated while mimi and milner are gone. we are listening to MIA very loudly.

11:18 im not horny but i want to get fucked. i think the music is making me think of warehouse parties and i miss them. i want to feel something inside i miss parties. i want to do drugs with strangers again.

11:38 ive been playing flow. i missed it. MIA is so good

11:44 i finish the courtyard spin pack on flow. its just dance songs playing now. i wsnt to be at a party so so so so bad