6:30 wake up check insta

6:40~ papa comes into room asks if im ready to go in about ten minutes

6:45 i get up go to bathroom get ready

6:46 i pee and finish wipe flush wash hands

6:47 i brush teeth

6:49 i finish walk downstairs

6:50 papa gives me directions and i get in the car and head out

7:20 we finish at elmore toyota

7:22 we get back onto mcfadden. papa asks if i want a donut at first i say no but he’s getting one so i change my mind and say yes. we decide to go to k&m

7:24 papa asks if i slept well i say no. i had a dream but no time to write it down. ill write down what i remember later

7:52 we r home i finished eating my donut. in bed again bo at my feet. also ate my concha. fatass

8:16 was on insta just caught up in obey me

8:32 on insta

10:50 woke up. toyota called my car is ready. i say can i come by later they say yes sean is here til 6. in bathroom rn pooping

brooke texted me idk if i respond but i will wnd just keep it cordial. i messaged again about the apartment

11:36 its funny but because my life is going well rn i dont feel the need to write it all down




11:02 (pm) jon rafman followed me ?!

11:29 im going crazy over housing. its all ive thought about all day. im in really bad distress. im gonna take notes now just tracking the obsession. its very mental in nature so theres not anything tangible like hand sanitizing but all im doing rn is keeping myself from looking up more apartments. if i get the urge ill write it down

11:30 it feels like if i dont do it ill die. i want to cry. im not going to die. i cant live alone. like i really really cant. im not mentally able to live alone. not without someone nearby. maybe ill find a place in the usc area so i can see my friends still in the area. but i cant be alone. ill kill myself if im alone. thats not a joke. like i Will spiral. rn im here with my parents and bo by my side and im on the edge of breaking down over a problem that i have over a month to solve but it feels like i have to solve it Now like i need to solve it right now or else everyone will die. its all going to collapse everything is going to collapse its all going to fall im so alone im always going to be alone i have no one to look forward to in life im going to die alone in a room alone with nothing there i was meant to die i will die soon im not supposed to be alive im not supposed to be here i should be dead im supposed to be dead i wont find a place to live im going to kill myself one day and ill die ill die ill die i have to stop thpingm i cant stop typing i cant stop typing if i stop something bad will happen i cant stop if i stop imgoimg to look at apartments and if i do that ill die im going to die i cant look i cant look this is what i didnt want i wanted to be ok i was so confident j could live alone but i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant do this i cant be alive i have to stop typing i have to stay a livebut i have to keep typing to stay alive i cant stop i cant stol i bdndndndnsjsjahshhahshdnd di have to stop i have to stop but i cant slow down i cantx slow down my typing i cant slow down im so so so so so so so so scafes im sofnksmsjdnd im scares im scafes imdnndnd im scared im scared id dnndnsnsnsbnsjwndndndndnndnsndnsnsnsnsnsnnsnsndnsndnsnsnsjnsnsnsjsjsjs b shsjsjsjsbsibsjsjsjdjd. fhe TAPPING the tapping is soothing its calming me down the tapping as i type its calming me down i cant stop typing or else the tapping will stop and ill be alone with my thoughts and i cant be alone with my thoughts right now i dont want anyone to read this please dont eead this please dont read this i shouldve killed myself maybe if i go to sleep ill die my phone is lagging the tapping isnt in sh c anymore it feels like my heart is faltering everything is based on the rhythm of the tapping its calming me down its calming me down im gonna crrrrrrrrrrry im gonna cry in not im not gonna cry the tapping is slowlinf down be ause because my phone is lagging it is calming me down i am crashing i am crashing i am crqshing.      i am crashing. i an typing much slower now. it isnt lagging my body shut down my brqin is shutting down. bo is asleep in front of me he is peaceful. i am so scared. if i live alone i will die. i dont know. i might be ok. but it is a very slim chance that i will be. i need to talk to dr levy. i see her tomorrow at 4. i need to pick up my medication and wash my car tomorrow. i will return my book this weekend.




i think the smartest plan is keep living by usc and by cam and everyone so im not alone. i have to look in the area. i cant go off somewhere all by myself.




my brain perked up. bo is chewing on his leg to scratch an itch.




i posted to instagram earlier that having ocd and having a compulsion form is like scratching an itch but you have to scratch harder each time for it to have the same effect. you scratch and scratch until it bleeds but if you stop the itch only becomes worse.




its the hinamizawa syndrome. i am suffering from delusions still. if im not careful i will fall prey to them. i need to lower my medication dosage




11:47 my parents come talk to me. worst comes to worst i move back home. they say dont worry. i say ok.

11:48 i turn my phone onto silent so the typing stops. now i feel a rimging in my ears. im breaking out into a sweat. i feel like im underwater. bo is chewing his claws.